[blabla1981]

Hi. New here. I've been reading this website for a few months now way back and it helped me. But here is the thing :

I'm 27 years old. I have been with the same girl for almost 4 years. She is now 22. We worked together on the same job, I was here boss and there were a lot of problems at work so we fighted a lot. Eventually, she found a new working place. Things looked like they were getting better. But in the last three months problems started to occur. We started to argue about everything. We even went on a vacation together and all we did is fight for 5 days. Eventually we decided to take a break to see what will happen. Slowly but surrely, we decided that we should take a bigger break for two months or literally brake up. Two weeks after that decision my girlfriend told me that she found someone else and that happened a week after we split. We decided to have a talk about it.

This is summary of the conversation :
The girl told me that she didn't love me for a year now. She was with me because she thought that I was the perfect man for her. She struggled to bring back the love that she had for me in the last year or so, but that she wasn't able to do so. In her mind she knew that there was never going to be a man more perfect for her. When I asked her did she ever cheated on me, she said No. And I trust her, I knew her to well. The thing that happened with the new guy happened after we have broken up. He is a coworker at the place where she works. I met the guy, no resentment what so ever. He was great towards me, he never tried to do nothing in front of me. It turned out that the kid was in love with her for a longer period, but that he didn't made any moves on her until he found out that we were now officially over. When I asked her if she felt something for him, she said I like him, he is interesting, but I'm not in love. I just need to move on. She repeatedly said that she never cheated on me, that she stood by me because she thought I was the one. She still believes in that, but the love is gone. She believes that all the atraction that we had, the passion was lost when we worked together and that she couldn't struggle no more. She still believes that I'm the perfect man for her.
On the other hand, she also said that it was too early to think about getting married, that she wanted to go out, to have fun because I got hold on her when she was 18. I agree with that, I got her too young so I stopped the process off her growing up. As I said, she knew that she wanted to be with me, but we both knew that it was to early for her to get stuck with kids and everything.

The thing is, I took this very easy. I don't know why that happened. I was totally cool with the breakup which I think took her by surprise. I know that there is still atraction there. Before we got together we were brilliant friends. We were best friends in the relationship, not just lovers. I want to keep her in my life, I know that she wants to keep me in hers. It took her a lot of courage to do what she did with the thing that she stuck by me because she believed in us.

Now this is the moment of truth. I know how it feels to be hurt. I already had a long relationship and I got through it eventually. It took some time, but I did. But this one somehow I want to be done with, I want to move on with my life, but how to keep her as a friend and everything. Trust me, this is not love speaking, this is friendship talk. I know we can't be lovers again and it hurts, but I don't want to lose her. To be honest, I don't have the problem with the looks, personality and everything. I still have a plenty of women around me, but this one is special.

And the worst part of it all : we live in the same neighbourhood and the dude just moved here??

Now what??

I need to know, how to heal and should I be friends after all this?? And how to deal with the thing that there is a huge chance that I will see them around in the next period in my hood?

Thanks a lot for info that you can give me

[blabla1981]

I forgot to add. I throw parties here, big raves that she is going to. She even promised not to come so I can forget about the feelings I have for her, that she will give me all the time that I need to get back to myself, the man that I was before the problems started happening. She said that she wouldn't even call until I call her back, just so we can still be in each others lives.

Any help about this, opinions...

[JBeaucaire]

You two have closed the book on a relationship that ended normally. Nothing spectacularly bad happened, and that's good.

Until you are well into your next few chapters of life, I would not foster a friendship with this person. You are right to feel that you should be done with her... at least for many years. You need to fully and ACTUALLY move on.

It's not wrong to have an ex you no longer have in your life. It's not rude, it's not hard to understand.

Say what you will as you finalize your breakup, then stop communicating. She should not be invited to anything you are in charge of, and if she invites herself, stay calm and do not talk to her. If she forces you into a conversation, simply reply to anything she says with "I'd rather not talk, I know you understand. Have fun."... and walk away.

[blabla1981]

The thing is we finalized the relationship, but the thing is that I think that eventually the feelings that she had for me will come back. I don't know why, but I'm certain of it, I know her too well. I don't want that to happen, but knowing what has been happening and everything, I'm totally sure of it. I don't want to go through the same thing again.

That is why I'm totally confused about the whole thing. It really hurts what's been happening and knowing that she is now with someone else. But knowing everything, it won't be long until the tables start to turn again...

So, should I still continue to be friend or it's better left in the past?

[JBeaucaire]

Left in the past.

[blabla1981]

Thanks a lot for this, I needed it :)

Now back to the recovery...

[talaniman]

I think that eventually the feelings that she had for me will come back. I don't know why, but I'm certain of it, I know her too well

Leave it in the past where it belongs. Don't complicate things that are really simple. Move on, and leave her alone, it's that simple.