[MDGadgetGuy]

Hello Everyone-

I am a 47yo single gay white male who has been in relationships before but currently am not in one. I fell in love with and dated a guy who I met at a friends house a few years ago. We began a relationship but have had some ups and downs. His mother recently got very ill with Cancer and died a few weeks ago. Although I knew her, my friend spent a lot of time at her side and ignored everyone else ( including me) in his life. Although I realize he is dealing with the pain of his loss, I also feel I still need comfort and physical intimacy from him. Unfortunately because of the way he acts towards me lately, I have come to feel that we were only in a relationship because it was what I wanted. What is hurting me now is having to deal with my desire to hug and comfort him and my need for him to be close to me.

I recently met another fellow who I became very intimate with upon first meeting. Although the feeling is mutual, he is heading back to Kuait and I probably will never see him again.

I feel a void now in my like that I have no one to get physically close with. I have friends but I can't see myself finding comfort in their arms. I really need to deal with what is happening in my relationships and the loss I am feeling by his mother's passing. I guess I really need someone to hold me and reassure me and feel this need particularly intensely right now.

I have good days and bad days however today is an exceptionally bad day. I fear I will never meet anyone to get close with and often feel like retreating into myself. I hope this pain subsides because I don't know how much longer I can bear it.

[0rphan]

Your friend has a lot to deal with right now and obviously wants to be left alone to come to terms with it, some people are like that,we deal with losing a loved one in different ways.

To expect physical intimacy at this sad time I feel is asking too much right now, this will be the last thing on his mind.
I feel, it's that you are missing most... you have by your own admission been with another guy even though you are in a relationship.. be it up and down, you have still been unfaithful.

I think you need to be less selfish about your needs and consider other peoples needs, especially your friend who has just lost his Mum.

Go out meet people and get on with your life, if and when your friend is ready he will contact you.

[MDGadgetGuy]

Hi Orphan- Perhaps you misunderstood me. My friend who lost his mom and I are no longer in a relationship. Our relationship ended over a year ago however we were occasionally friends with benefits. I would never cheat on a partner. This is something I feel very strongly about.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

I am a 47yo single gay white male who has been in relationships before but currently am not in one... What is hurting me now is having to deal with my desire to hug and comfort him and my need for him to be close to me... I recently met another fellow who I became very intimate with upon first meeting... I really need to deal with what is happening in my relationships and the loss I am feeling by his mother's passing

Your post is contradictory. You say you are not in a relationship, then talk about your boyfriend not being physically comforting enough to you as he was dealing with his mom's illness & death so you found someone you immediately "got intimate" with whose leaving for his job.

Does your old boyfriend know the relationship is over, because it's not clear that you broke it off with him? Or that you cheated if he thinks you guys are still a couple? Even if you had an agreement to have an open relationship, the fact that you had sex with someone else a few weeks after his mom died because he was not putting out isn't going to exactly be news that makes him rush into your arms for comfort.

You do need to deal with your relationships & it sounds like you are stuck in a rut of "what's in for me?" which other than casual sex isn't going to be anything but a bad foundation for true intimacy which does leads to consistent physical closeness at a level you are seeking.

If you keep acting selfishly you are going to be very much limiting or flat out eliminating any deep relationship & will find even a bigger lack of closeness physically or otherwise. Your post is all about you with a marked lack of empathy or understanding for a partner you have been with for a while (not clear exactly how long that has been). Instead of trying to ease his burden & grief, you went out & found someone to make YOU feel better for the moment.

Dealing with the death of parent is a very hurtful, time consuming thing to have to handle, so it's not surprising he has not been interested in being physical or give you assurances about the relationship at all during this time. You didn't give him much of a chance to deal with his exhaustion or grief over his mom's death before deciding he doesn't really want to be in a relationship with you & finding someone else to play with. That is some stinkin' thinking & may not be true, he may just be too overwhelmed to deal with much until he gets a bit more than a few weeks past her death.

It sounds like you may be depressed which is manifesting itself by wanting to be physically close to others at all costs. You may want to talk to a dr about that to see if some med's could help. That can aid you put things into better perspective. Depression makes everything seem as worst as possible & makes the lows feel overwhelming. Have you had a problem with depression before?

[0rphan]

Hi MD GadgetGuy,

My sincere apologies to you... yes I did read it wrong, glad to hear you don't do that sort of thing.

[MDGadgetGuy]

Hi BetrayalBtcamp-

I believe we have gotten off to the wrong start. I am not currently in a relationship. The friend who's mother has died broke off our relationship some time ago. I did not have sex with this new person I met, we just hugged and talked. I was hoping to get to chance to date this new guy but we were just like two ships passing in the night.

Part of me want to help my ex through this pain and part of me needs comforting from him. I would like to state for the record that my friend does not know about any of these feelings. I have been very supportive of him and offer my home to him anytime he needs to get away. I still feel connected to him emotionally but he keeps me at a distance. He doesn't talk much about his feelings but he does tell me that he loves me.

What I suppose I am looking for is a way to view this situation in a more positive light. I still love him very deeply and wish we were back together but his life was even more complicated before his mom passed away and I am frustrated on one hand wanting to be there for him and the other wishing he wouldn't push me away.

He was very loving in the past but somewhere along the way things changed. I can't tell if he was that way towards me out of kindness or was genuinely into me. I guess I will never know. He comes from a very troubled life and his mother and I developed a close friendship out of our caring for him. I do miss her as well and feel bad that she had to deal with cancer. I know that she would want me to take care of her son having left him knowing he has problems. So, I feel obligated in a way to get him back on track. It's just the distance he has imposed on us and my internalization of this.

I guess it even helps to talk with strangers about it.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

Thanks for the extra info, MD, that does make a huge difference. I apologize for my comments since they didn't apply at all to you.

It sounds like you have 2 basic issues here, the desire for simple human touch & maybe a close relationship? Obviously a long distance relationship may fill the need for one but not the other. And it's not surprising you are yearning for some comforting touch, humans are designed to want that.

This may not be exactly what you are looking for, but have you heard of cuddle parties? If you google: cuddle parties you will find a lot of info.

Also, this will explain the basics:

Cuddle Party - A boundary-appropriate workshop and social event for exploring touch, affection and communication

[talaniman]

Seems you would be comforting each other through this time of need, but I think it selfish, you put your own needs so high on the list, when your friend has suffered such a loss. (And you). I would hope you put your needs aside for a bit, and be a friend.