[Guidostern]

Well, I was engaged to the most wonderful woman I could have ever asked for. She gave me the ring back a couple of months ago and then we started working on it again. About three weeks ago a lot of messed up stuff happened and we broke up. I came back and then we started working on it again.

Now, three weeks later she has started a new job, just three weeks ago might I add and is already seeing another guy that she met at work. Yeah, I did a lot of messed up stuff, and I'm not a good guy at all. Now that I'm putting everything I have into this she is ready to go out and take this break, while seeing other people... this is so hard for me because we have been together 5 years next month.

She told me tonight that the passion and fire that she was looking for, she found in herself. I'm so lost, I quit my job two days ago and now I'm stuck 500 miles from anything I know as family. She told me that she just needs some time, and then maybe we'll work things out, but I have to stay in Texas and everything.

I don't know what to do, I'm lost and it sucks so bad... I know I sound like a baby, but she's the one and only thing I thought I would never lose, and now I have lost her... and there's nothing I can do about it.

What should I do, how do I go on with my whole life falling down around me? I already know that most of you are going to say, just go on and do not contact her, and I know all that...

[armylove]

Hey don't be so hard on yourself life does go on. That happened to me as well with my fiancé we where together for nine years he was in the marine corps well things didn't turn out the best when he came home. So found him in bed with my best friend one day when came home from work cause I was sick so you its hard but you will be fine just keep busy and get drunk if you need to and vent with a strainger at a near by bar so they can't judge you , sounds crazy but it worked for me. Now ingaged with an army guy who wants his space at this time, why? I have no idea well never was looking for relationship I work two jobs to keep busy and out of seeing my x who is now married and working on there second baby! Well you so anyway sorry just having some probs with my army man so let me ask u what does he mean by wanting space for a while to regroup? Just hang in there u will be OK trust me I thaught I was going to die but hey I found myself in love again but who knows what the other is thinking. She will always have u in the back of her mind no matter what trust me I still think of my x but I'm deeply in love with a someone new. Just keep busy you can do it:)

[cat_eyes21]

It sounds like she's fed up. We get tired of hearing Im sorry or I won't do it again. Most of the time when guys do start to act right its already too late. I don't want to add insult to injury but from what it sounds like, you already drove her away. Its really sad because you love her. Try to earn her trust back or just simply take it slow. Remain friends and try to show her how much you have changed. You have spent 5 years of your life with her don't be afraid to talk to her and tell her how you feel. But your actions will have to speak for itself because she's tired of being sick and tired.

[talaniman]

You don't need my advice, just heed the suggestion you have been telling others, and try to be good to yourself, as you heal.
Much Luck

[ylaira]

I don't know what you mean by you're not a good guy but I hope you will learn from this.

[Guidostern]

I'm trying so hard to practice what I preach... with her, it just doesn't seem like it can work the way that I know it would in my inner self. I know that life goes on and eventually things will work in my favor, but dang, I just don't know anymore.

[talaniman]

Rebuild your life without her in it, start with a job, and go from there. How many people can get a fresh start with a clean slate?

By the way, don't even try the guilty stuff as she was as whack as it comes so don't go there.

[Guidostern]

She's so flaky... she tried to make out with me a little bit ago and then was telling me that she loved me and wanted me to come sleep (as in sleeping) with her. I laid there for about an hour and couldn't fall to sleep so I'm back in the living room until I get tired or she comes in here wanting to know why I'm not in bed... I don't get any of this at all... everything has just fallen apart in less than 2 months... I got to save this one because I didn't work on my marriage that I had and then found out after the divorce was final that if I had just said something then it would have lasted... I don't want this one to go down to foolish pride.

[talaniman]

This may be a good time to review your other posts.

[Guidostern]

I know, I have read all of them... I'm trying really hard to do this, but my emotions are all out of whack... I mean, I'm a guy and I'm having emotional problems?

She told me that she wasn't getting what she needed from me... when I asked her what exactly that was, she said that she needed security, and a guy who could take care of her if needed. She knows that I am capable of this... she says that it has nothing to do with our sex life.

I do know that I haven't been the most reliable person in the world, especially recently. I haven't exactly trusted her about some things and I did some #@*&ed up things that made me lose her trust completely. I haven't been making speeches or anything, but how can she just throw away our engagement and the last 5 years?

I know that I sound crazy because I can give other people good advice on what to do, but when it comes to my relationship, I feel like this isn't supposed to happen. I gave this girl my heart and soul... she means everything to me... While yes, I could live without her, I don't want to and that's what sucks. Like I said before, I can't just give up on this... it means too much to me...

[busterite]

I don't know what you mean when you say you messed things up but one thing that's for sure is that by guilt tripping yourself you won't change anything, you will only bring yourself down and make your situation worse. You need to focus on your actions going forward and not look back. This is the only way to make clear decisions on how you should deal with this and have no regrets. You need to be honest and calm with her and let her know how you feel. But your mind needs to be clear before you do that. But first she has asked for time so you need to give this to her, because the harder you try the further away you will push her. You need to find a way to calm down. I realise you are far away from family and friends but you need to find a way to vent. Either that is over the phone, through this site or even going away for a couple of days. You also need to keep yourself distracted and busy for now.

[Guidostern]

I am trying my best to look at this from a calm point of view. I'm looking at it right now as I had 5 years to do what she needed me to, and she's obviously not getting what she needs from me. I completely understand giving her space... but it's kind of hard given my current situation. Yeah, I can get another job and move out, but I can't exactly move out right now because my next pay check is going towards bills that I have and other stuff. I noticed the harder I tried, the more distant she got. When I quit talking to her about it, she was very calm and collective. I have done nothing but set and think about how I can fix this and what I need to do in order for everything to go back to the way it was.

The bottom line is, I betrayed her trust. No, I didn't cheat or anything like that... but I've got to earn that trust and respect back before this goes anywhere... and I know that. I have been trying to pick up on old hobbies and other stuff, and it does the trick for a little while. Then it all comes flooding back... I write a lot when I'm down or frustrated and that's helped some because there have been certain things that I had never let go of, and now I have.

I'm not over exaggerating or trying to guilt trip myself. I know that she's to blame too, but it was my actions that caused about 98% of this and not hers. She says that she's just as much at fault too because she's not good with communicating. About 2 months ago when she broke off the engagement she told me that she couldn't handle the risks that I take with my job. I made a promise to her that I would find another job and I did. She then told me that she was getting bored... she missed the "new" that we once had when we started dating... I started being creative and things started to flare back up and were good again. Then I pulled a "stunt" we'll call it since I'm too ashamed to even say what it was that I did... and she asked me to leave. I left for a week and then came back to pick up a few things and she insisted that I stay. I went back to work like normal and everything seemed to be moving along. I guess last week she said that she was still confused, so I gave her plenty of space this last week (she wanted space, but wanted me to stay). I did that by kind of "moving" into one of the other two bedrooms. That actually worked for a while... we started being intimate again and things were moving up, even she said so... then she starts this new job this week and suddenly she's texting this other guy every 15 minutes and sits outside in the driveway in her car when she comes home talking to him on the phone... I don't understand what the H happened, or how to fix it.

All I know is I talked to my older brother (we are exactly alike with the way our lives have gone) and he told me that if I loved her, I would fight for her and not just let her go like I did my ex wife... So that's what I'm trying to do. I'm being civil about it, making sure not to invade her privacy or anything like that. But I have to fix this, this is the woman that I honestly expected and wanted to spend the rest of my life with...

[talaniman]

You never know if she is the one until your old and gray and she is still there. For now share the blame because as I read it, she has made as many mistakes as you have so check your math.

I know how you feel about her, and that's the problem, as I see no equality, no sharing, and caring through honest communications, and you sure ain't working very well together.

You've already proved she ISN'T worth fighting for, and you shouldn't have to, you should be building together, not trying to convince her to stay. Sorry guy, but given the history, your better off by yourself, and building a happy, healthy life.

What kind of female texts other guys, and lives with someone. She is a cheater in the classic sense of the word. That's why there is no communications, she does that with others. Make it simple, Disappear from her life, and let her new job pay the bills. You have already paid enough tribute to her, its time to pay yourself with some love and common sense, and dignity and self respect for yourself.

[busterite]

[QUOTE]I noticed the harder I tried, the more distant she got. When I quit talking to her about it, she was very calm and collective[QUOTE]

Of course she would be. She is texting this other guy right in front of you and can get away with it. Now she knows she can walk all over you. She knows she has the final say here and she is enjoying it. With this sort of attitude do you still think it was 98% your fault? People don't change overnight so maybe you are refusing to recognise that the mistakes might have been equal from both sides?
I don't think you can fix anything here because she is not giving you a chance to fix anything. She is waiting for you to leave first so that she won't have to blame herself for making the choice, just in case she regrets later.
My advice would be to write a letter expressing your honest feelings. Let her know what she means to you. Admit your mistakes but don't make any promises. Tell her she is free to make any choice and that you will respect it as difficult as it might be. Give her the letter and then leave her alone, just disappear. Let her make the decision as to what she really wants. That way you will not have given up. But this is ultimately her decision and the way she is acting is disrespectful towards what you had. This is not the right time for immature games, you need to be honest to each other.

[Guidostern]

I will let you all know what exactly happened which is so bad... it's what happened that ultimately caused us to split and I'm embarrassed and ashamed.

I came home from work, if you have read my previous posts, I am a law enforcement officer, well was until earlier this week... anyways, I came home from my tour and we got into an argument. I was doing something that I have done a thousand times before... removing my service pistol from my belt. Well, when I was doing this she was setting on the bed and the pistol went off in the bedroom. The round went right through the bed about 5 feet from where she was. It was an honest accident and I later figured out that the safety on my weapon had actually malfunctioned, which is what caused this to happen.

Anyway, now because of this she doesn't feel safe with me. I assured her it was an accident... I'm a cop, why the H would I even attempt to try and do something like that to her?

So, that's what happened top to bottom... no one else knows about it.

[busterite]

now because of this she doesn't feel safe with me.

And you think that someone that doesn't feel safe with someone would have the courage to live in the same house with them, while txting and talking to another guy right in front of them?

I understand this was a great shock to her and she might have felt that you were acting irresponsibly but this is not the way one would react to it. I think it is easy for someone to judge between an honest mistake (which thankfully did not cause any injuries although it could have) and an intentional act. If she really thought you could hurt her like that she would not be staying in the same house as you.

If it was really that and there hadn't been anymore things before that and if she really loves you then she will want to be with you again but I feel you really need to be honest to each other as to what has caused all this. I think you should sit down and have an honest conversation with her. Maybe she is still mad at you, in which case you should let her vent.

[Guidostern]

I let her vent last night... She told me that she's quit talking/having anything to do with this other guy. She told me that he was just after her because he noticed that she is vulnerable. She even went as far as to prove to me that she's blown him off.

She did tell me a few things that made me very angry, but I was still calm and collective. She told me that this other guy tried to put his hands on her when she didn't want him to, and that she was only "talking" to him. Now, I know that it's a slim chance that I should trust her, but she hasn't given me any reason not to for the last 3 years.

We put a lot of the past aside and started talking about what needs to be done in order for this to actually work. Yeah, I'm still in one of those scared and fragile moments, but she told me that she's starting to feel more and more safe with me every day because she knows that I would never to anything to hurt her... plus, why would I?

Yes, she does really love me. I'm not one to show my feelings very often and she's upset because I don't. She told me that she misses the excitement that our relationship once had, and thought it was coming back until this incident happened. I just sat and listened to her yell, scream, and break down crying. I understand what I need to do to fix this, it's just going to be very hard.

[talaniman]

So, that's what happened top to bottom... no one else knows about it.

It was an accident, for as much as it scared her.

I understand what I need to do to fix this, it's just going to be very hard.

You can't fix her, she has to get over it, and work with you. Your responsible for your actions not hers.

[Guidostern]

I know, and I realize that it's going to take a long time for her to get over this. I'm just reeling over everything that has happened. She is still very hesitant to let me back in. I got to do everything I can to earn back her trust.