[brennlee]

Is it normal for someone in a committed relationship to fantasize about someone else when they are with you, in bed?

My boyfriend told me the other night that he has thought about someone else a couple of times and when I asked more... he said he has always wondered what it would be like to have sex with her. (She is not single she is in a "bad" marriage) When I tried to get to him to open up more he basically dropped it and shrugged it off. He said I have met her but I can't remember what she looks like. He commented that I said she looked like a hooker and the christmas party I met her at. He also mentioned she had enormous breasts, but that is about all he would say... and now he won't talk about it at all.

Now I am wondering how many times my face and body are replaced by her in my own bed :(

[Choux]

It is very normal for individuals in a sexual relationship to fantasize about having sex with other people than their partner after some time has passed.

It is really important not to press for details about revelations like this-just let it go. As you have learned, pressing for details causes a lot of problems that can never be resolved, never. The passing of time may ease your discomfort, but any facts, or supposed facts, only make the situation worse.

Everyone needs their private self... private from everyone... most people want that private space, the private self where not so socially accepted stuff goes on!

I think at this time you want to up your sexuality a couple of notches... where you are now may be a little too passive. You'll feel better about yourself, too. I'm not talking about faking anything; I'm talking about plugging into some of your primal emotions. :)

Best wishes,

[Synnen]

He was an idiot to TELL you about it, but pretty much everyone fantasizes about others occasionally.

Let it go.

[smoothy]

Yeah... I agree... fugedaboutit... most people do it and its not unlike dreams. Thinking about someone briefly does not equal any desire to pursue them. And the fact he mentioned she looked cheap (looked like a hooker) speaks volumes. He should not have mentioned it.

[kp2171]

I don't care if my wife is thinking about the ripped guy at the gym from the previous morning... if she's with me, looking me in the eyes, driving me over the top, its fine.

Now... why he told you about the girl... just not sure about that. My cousin talks to his wife all the time about their "list"... whod theyd jump into bed with in a moments notice... but really... how did this topic come up?

[brennlee]

I asked him because a couple of weeks ago, Because he was looking at me really intensely (during sex) then he shook his head like he wanted to get an image out of his mind. I asked him about it later, and he said he was just feeling really into the moment, which of course did not jive with what I noticed. I almost thought at the time he was thinking something horrible, and was trying not to!

Then I started thinking... maybe he was not thinking about me, so I asked him if he ever thought about anyone else... he said no at first, then out of the blue a couple days ago while we were being intimate he tells me. Of course I couldn't sleep the rest of the night :( and now its all I worry about. I am sure he doesn't even realize its impact on me.

I think maybe what I noticed was him "trying" not to picture it, but when he confessed to me he said he has thought about it a couple of times while being with me, and then when he went into more details I got a little worried. I mean its not like its someone he can't actually sleep with like Pam Anderson or on some fantasy list (he mentioned Sandra Bullock as being on his "list" once! ) lol

[brennlee]

****And the fact he mentioned she looked cheap (looked like a hooker) speaks volumes. He should not have mentioned it.*****


Actually he said that I said she looked like a hooker when I met her at this party. I don't remember meeting her, which is typical of me - I miss the ones I should be paying attention to apparently. Although, he did not deny that she looked like a hooker :D

[hannah_nicole]

I would be very hurt to find out my partner was thinking of me as someone else. If he was just thinking of a porno he's watched or a scenario in his head and still acknowledging me as his sex partner NOT envisioning me as someone else I wouldn't mind so much. Still I don't want to know he can keep that to himself. I have never fantasised about someone I know while with my partner, or even when without him I think I would feel guilty! But everyone's minds work differently sexually, & mine doesn't work like that!

[brennlee]

I would be very hurt to find out my partner was thinking of me as someone else. If he was just thinking of a porno hes watched or a scenario in his head and still acknowledging me as his sex partner NOT envisioning me as someone else I wouldnt mind so much. Still I dont want to know he can keep that to himself. I have never fantasised about someone I know while with my partner, or even when without him I think I would feel guilty! But everyones minds work differently sexually, & mine doesnt work like that!

That is why I am upset :(

[hannah_nicole]

This is a really hard situation! I know exactly how I would feel if I was told this (and would be appreciative of a white lie should I happen to ask) The way you are feeling probably won't go away until you give it time, but let him know how it has made you feel and hopefully he will get a clue and do something to reassure you that you are his special one and only and he desires not to chase this - or any other - woman.

[Tralyn]

I think this is very normal. I think he told you because he feels he can be honest with you but was probably really afraid to admit it at first. Sounds like this chic put the goods on display. Well... those images don't really leave their minds right away and many men have many, many sexual images just stored in that mind of theirs. Believe me, it's not only your man.

Would it make you feel better to confirm that it's only a passing thought, a visual - not something he would actually act on? I think that's an important distinguishing point here. Other than that, if it's only a fantasy - do let it go. It sucks, but you can't change what pops in their heads.

Maybe some spicy time with fun clothes (or lack there of), even roles... between the two of you would shift the mindset. :p

[brennlee]

Thank you hannah-nicole

[brennlee]

I am afraid its not just a passing thought. I think If I said... Ok go do it he would.

[Synnen]

Then either you work it out with him by COMMUNICATING how you feel to him, and getting him to talk with you

OR

You give up on this relationship entirely because you can't trust him.

Honey--you HAVE to let this go, or it will destroy your relationship. Talk to him about it, tell him how you feel, and then LET IT GO.

Your own self-doubts will kill EVERYTHING about the relationship if you don't.

[Tralyn]

Then either you work it out with him by COMMUNICATING how you feel to him, and getting him to talk with you

OR

You give up on this relationship entirely because you can't trust him.

Honey--you HAVE to let this go, or it will destroy your relationship. Talk to him about it, tell him how you feel, and then LET IT GO.

Your own self-doubts will kill EVERYTHING about the relationship if you don't.

This is totally right, I completely agree. You have to realize that you can't approach something like this with the fear of what if you said ' go do it '. Why would you possibly say that? Just to see his reaction or? That would be incredibly detrimental to your relationship and would pretty much say to him that you don't really care.

Yes, you have to communicate with him - WITH HIM, not AT him - or if you can't and it's just burning inside you and in your head (I do know how that feels) you are going to strangle your relationship. Or.. Let It Go.. no matter how hard. Perhaps communicate then let it go. If it's going to be a creeper point though that you just cannot drop and keep bringing up it's going to ruin what you have.

[smoothy]

Me and my wife are able to joke about who we would do if we weren't married. My list is a quite a bit longer than hers however.

Some couples are secure enough to joke about it while others aren't.

[kp2171]

Syn is spot on in her post.

Yes, he's an idiot for telling you her image was in his head. Open communication doesn't mean you say every dumb thing that comes to your mind.

But really... you are losing sleep and worried like mad because of this?

Different people have different levels of security concerning a mates attraction to another person... but you either need to shake this off or talk it out hard... because what you cannot do is sit and stew and fret and choose to stay but still punish him.

There's points in most relationships where you must accept places where you aren't overlapping... and that means don't torture yourself or him any more, if you stay.

So time to step up and really talk this out... and then let go one way or the other. If you no longer can be with him, its your call. If you think you'll never be able to trust him, its your decision. And he also should understand where you are. He should get to choose to leave or to be with someone who doesn't trust him.

You've had answers here... now its time to find out from him and from yourself.

[brennlee]

THanks for the answers.

[brennlee]

I guess I am having trouble leaving. Two failed marriages does that to someone. I love him but I get the vibe its not reciprocated. I don't know why I need absolution, I just wanted to know I was not jumping the gun.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

My question to you would be what is that is going on with relationship that this is giving you such an uneasy feeling. Are you not feeling loved, appreciated, valued, cherished enough? Are you not getting all you need / want in the passion dept from him? Then that is what needs to be addressed.

As to this woman he lusts after, is she someone that he would run into often? At a minimum, you two need to reach an agreement that he stays away from her. His having a "friendship" with someone he admits he's that sexually attracted to & that dresses like a hooker is just asking for trouble.

Good Luck!