[hjpan]

So you're saying I'm screwed?

Not exactly screwed... Tal knows more :D

Ask him xD

[ISneezeFunny]

hellonasty...

Just exactly what do you want from this? Ask yourself this. Really, what do you want from this?

[hellonasty]

I want to have my girlfriend back with me. If I change things I want to see if it will be better. There is so much at stake and so much of my heart invested that I would try near anything to get this back on track again.

[ISneezeFunny]

I'll be absolutely honest with you (maybe even brutal... I'm having a rough one today so bear with me).

... MOST of us that come here asking the question "My girlfriend needs space" (and trust me, there are about... mmmm... 20 posts like that a day) want what you want. We want the girl back. Here's the catch.. it's unlikely. It's not impossible... but it's highly unlikely. The relationship ended for a reason... a reason that the girl has. It could be a new guy (probably happens 80% of the time), it could be because she's bored of you, it could be because she knows it's just not working out anymore (which I think... MAY be your case). Whatever the reason may be (and often times, it's not what the girl SAYS it is... ), there's a reason that things ended. Until that reason is fixed, the relationship isn't going to get mended.

Imagine a car with a bad battery. You keep trying to start it, and sure, the engine may turn once or twice, but it'll eventually sputter and die. Many think, "If I can just get this engine started, the battery'll eventually charge itself and I'll be ok." Some also think, "If I get someone to jump start the car...it'll be ok." And sure, it IS OK. Heck, you may even get to your next destination. But you know what, next time you turn off the engine, your car won't start. You have to get to the matter of it, and that's... to get a new battery.

Your situation is FAR more complicated than others... as you two share a home, a business, pets, etc. etc. etc. It's basically a marriage. Even then, as complicated as it is, the problems and solutions are basic. If you truly believe that you need to fix yourself, that has to happen first. Having your girl back won't fix you. At this moment, I know that you think, "If we try again, I'll work it out," and this may be true... but it happens very rarely.

Most of us needs a good kick in the butt (like... a breakup) to get ourselves into shape.

We cry. We mourn. We don't eat, sleep, or do anything for a while... but eventually, we realize we need to fix something, so we start doing things. Some of us join gyms, some of us get new hobbies, new jobs... heck, I bought a new motorcycle, quit my job, and bought a restaurant.. . mostly because of a breakup.

That's just it. Having a girlfriend won't fix anything. If anything, things will go down the same spiral and things will end worse than it ended the first time. Right now, you have to get your mind off the girl. You have to do things for YOU... which means, if you see a problem in yourself, then you have to fix this FOR YOURSELF. Don't do it for the girl, and certainly don't do this to get the girl back. Why? Because it'll backfire. You'll fall into the same routine because you didn't do it for you. It's like dieting for the beach. Sure, you work out for a little bit... you look great at the beach... but after the beach season, you eat the same crap, stop working out, etc.. . it happens. It's not "you"... it's just being human.

I asked you what you wanted... and you said, "I want my girlfriend back." Let me ask again... what do you want for yourself? And if that answer has ANYTHING to do with a girlfriend, I suggest you think harder. What do you want... FOR YOURSELF. You want a better body? Better job? New haircut?

[hellonasty]

I want to be happy again, with myself, I don't like who I am right now and who I might be becoming.

I have my own business (that she works for) and I just got a new haircut. I want to get in shape.

I don't want to be afraid of what might be the inevitable.

[hjpan]

After my break up of one year four months relationship, I binged on food and starved for couple days. I couldn't eat, sleep, concentrate, think, feel etc. The devstation was so awful that I wanted to quit school and take time off, but I didn't.

2 months have gone by after the break up.

Guess what? My ex told me shot got a phone as a telephone marketing and QUIT HER JOB 2 days later!. That was one of the issues that came to my mind: MY EX IS WEAK IN ALL ASPECTS. She asked me to help her be a vegetarian and I told her to eat healthy as in rice, egg, veggies, fruits etc. Well, I don't know what happened but she gave up ON THAT AS WELL.

Since then, I've thought of myself as a successful parent, billionaire, professional doctor/therapist, attractive handsome guy etc. I imagined myself driving in a tuned up Mazda RX-7 and a Lamborghini...

Now, I am going to go to advanced technical school for training. Next summer, I MIGHT go in the National Guard for training and return to university to pursue a degree in psychology & possibly human development.

My ex? I wouldn't know. I'll probably see her in San Francisco with her "friends" in the streets or partying.

One of my good teachers from high school, who is a Command Sergeant Major of the US Marine Corps and organized plans in 'Nam war, told me this:

Listen up carefully. You need to stay in school for your education; I don't care where you get it as long as you get that education. Why am I saying this? Look at the people around your, especially your graduating class seniors and friends.. many of them go to college to party, drink, sleep with random girls, and do drugs. They graduate as drunks and dopeheads, but you, my friend, stayed in school & got your education. You want to know what is the difference between you from college and others from college? What ever you learned in college STAYS WITH YOU FOREVER. Nobody can ever take your intelligence away.

[ISneezeFunny]

Ah, now we're getting somewhere.

As far as the happiness, you have to tackle that head on. What's making you unhappy? The stress of the business?

You want to get in shape.. . so get in shape. Go to a gym. Start running.

You don't want to be afraid of what might be the inevitable... no one does. No one wants to be afraid of what might happen, but, take it from someone who's been at that same spot of the impending breakup... it happens. We get over it. We heal. We move on.

I understand that you're focused on this issue, and it's tearing you apart (I know, I've been there)... and it seems like your life's absolutely meaningless... but, you have to get past it. There's really no other way. The more you're away from this, the clearer the situation becomes. You ever wonder why people give good suggestions that they can't follow themselves.. It's because they're unbiased when giving their suggestions.

As tal said, take a break. Distract yourself. Go find some buddies to hang out with. Don't sit there and dole on this issue... it'll drive you insane (again, been there) and you won't even come up with an answer afterwards.

[hellonasty]

HJPAN: is that post directed at me? I'm not in school anymore.

[hjpan]

I want to be happy again, with myself, i don't like who i am right now and who i might be becoming.

I have my own business (that she works for) and i just got a new haircut. I want to get in shape.

I don't want to be afraid of what might be the inevitable.

Get in shape? hah?

Run on treadmills: 8-12mins/day.
Dumb-bells: 3 sets of 8, 2 sets of 12, or 4 sets of 6.
Curls: 3 sets of 10
Pull-downs: 2 sets of 10
Sit-ups: 2 sets of 25
Flutter-kicks: 2 sets of 25
Push-ups: 1 set of 20

EAT: rice, veggies, soy products. (I'm a vegetarian)
DO NOT EAT: JUNK FOOD, high fat meat.

I did this for about 3-4 weeks... lost about 10-13lbs.

[hjpan]

HJPAN: is that post directed at me? I'm not in school anymore.

That's what a typical person would always say..

"I'm not in school anymore."

But you're WRONG. You just got dumped.. you're LEARNING THE EXPERIENCE.

This is what my teacher meant "education." Sure, he was a Command Sergeant Major of US Marine Corps and fought in 'Nam, but he's been through college and knows a lot. This is his genuine experience of saying "everyone learns either in college or out of college."

[hjpan]

ISF, help out hellonasty..

I got to sleep~

[hellonasty]

ah, now we're getting somewhere.

As far as the happiness, you have to tackle that head on. What's making you unhappy? The stress of the business?

You want to get in shape. ...so get in shape. Go to a gym. Start running.

You don't want to be afraid of what might be the inevitable...no one does. No one wants to be afraid of what might happen, but, take it from someone who's been at that same exact spot of the impending breakup...it happens. We get over it. We heal. We move on.

I understand that you're focused on this issue, and it's tearing you apart (I know, I've been there)...and it seems like your life's absolutely meaningless...but, you have to get past it. There's really no other way. The more you're away from this, the clearer the situation becomes. You ever wonder why people give good suggestions that they can't follow themselves...? It's because they're unbiased when giving their suggestions.

As tal said, take a break. Distract yourself. Go find some buddies to hang out with. Don't sit there and dole on this issue...it'll drive you insane (again, been there) and you won't even come up with an answer afterwards.

I know you said not to mention anything about my girlfriend... but seriously.. the problems we've been having even before this break have made me unhappy. The business pressures are making me unhappy too. But I can deal with that.

Right now I'm scared sh!tliess, and here's why. Not only am I losing my 'soul' mate and gaining a huge amount of paranoia but.
1) we live in the same place together. I don't know when to pack it in.
2)We share an office together that is technically mine, she does a lot of work for me and I need her. She's great at what she does. And if I get rid of her she will be financially ruined. But if I keep her I will be in hell and run the risk of losing everything. What am I suppose to do for that?

The REAL problem is I can't bare to look at her as all I feel is sadness. She says I don't have to leave the house but I feel so helpless here. I just want to crawl on my hands and knees. I can fight it and stay strong, but as we all know it doesn't last long and we end up falling to pieces in minutes.

It's a really bad situation. I understand people can make any situation sound bad like it's the end of the world.. but right now I do not know what to do in any respect.

I understand taking time for myself and working on these things. But I'm getting more and more paranoid as the days go on and I feel like I can't get out.

When I was younger and had my heart broken I always wished I was older so I could just go and do things to forget. Now that I'm older I wish I was younger so all I had to do was stop calling.

This sucks.

[ISneezeFunny]

I can only imagine the stickiness of the situation that you're in. Like I said earlier, this is more than "just a relationship"... it's a marriage and a working partnership rolled into one nice mess.

If she asked for time off... there's really nothing you can do but give her time off. You know that calling her will only make things worse. In the meantime, you have to give yourself time off. You have to just grit your teeth and get out of the house (and get out of your head). Call up a few buddies, and distract yourself. By worrying, you're not fixing anything, you know that. What she feels is out of your hands, and you know this as well. I know it's impossible to do, but try to look at this as logically as possible. What can you gain by sitting there and constantly worrying about what may or may not happen?

[hellonasty]

You're right. I can't gain anything from sitting around this. And as this is going on I think I am becoming a control freak and possessive and crazy.. in my head. I feel like if I stick around nothing bad will happen and she won't be with someone else.. even though I know that is an insane way of thinking as it's very easy to meet up with people elsewhere. And I'm freaking out that she's trying to meet this person I mentioned earlier and for some reason refuses to tell me about it. And I have no idea how to flat out ask her and even worse I don't know if I want the answer!

[ISneezeFunny]

Yep, I know exactly what you mean.. . I was pacing back and forth in a library at 4am... wondering if she's sleeping with a new guy.

... it made sense at the time.. . but now, I look back and think, what... the hell... was I doing? I could have slept.

If she's going to meet someone new, she's going to do it... you sticking around won't do anything for that, if anything, it'll just make YOU the bad guy and you'll only end up being far more hurt than ever.

This idea of "NC" is so that you don't drive yourself crazy... and just let nature take its course. If your girlfriend wants to meet someone new, she'll meet them... regardless of what you do. You know this. If she doesn't want to meet someone new, then again, she won't... regardless of what you do.

You can't ask her about another guy. That'll only make you the bad guy and make you the "crazy jealous ex". You don't want the answer, then don't ask... whether you like it or not, the answer'll come to you eventually.

Right now, the ONLY thing you can do... is to get out. Seriously. Get. Out. Distract yourself. I know you don't want to... I know you think sitting there will shelter you from the "bad things" that may happen... but the truth is, it'll happen whether you like it or not.

If the world's going to end, you might as well have a beer in your hand and laugh with your friends while it's happening, don't you think?

[hellonasty]

ISneezeFunny: I hear you. And I believe it. I could pack up and leave tomorrow. I could just not go into the office for awhile, or ever. I'm close to breaking...

I'm talking with her sister right now and she is begging me not to leave. She says my girlfriend doesn't want anyone else and she just needs her space to feel better. She needs me here to be supportive of her and that if I bail now that will be it.

So confused.

[ISneezeFunny]

Your response would be...

"I have to do what I need for myself."

I don't suggest "packing up and leaving" or even "closing your business"...eventually, if it comes down to it, then fine. But right now, small steps. Grabbing a beer with your friends will suffice.

If your girlfriend needs space, you give that to her. When she figures her stuff out, she'll come back. If not, then I guess you have your answer.

And if "giving her space" will result in "the end"...well...then that was a poor choice of words when she asked for "space"... wasn't it?

[hellonasty]

I wish I could do it like you mentioned, I really do.
A large part of me wants to pack up and go... and the rest of me is terrified.

[talaniman]

You ain't listening are you? No on says pack up and go!! The suggestion was to back off the situation, and change your focus to give you a real chance to see what's going on.

Your female wants you to stop acting like a paranoid freak and relax!! That simple, get a life outside your relationship, like a bowling league, so you can relieve some pressure, and stress, in a positive way, and not throw those bad vibes at the ones close to you.

Now get it through your head to pro actively try to be a better, more positive, relaxed person, to the people around you.

You are your biggest problem, and your best solution! Don't think just do it!

[hjpan]

I wish i could do it like you mentioned, i really do.
A large part of me wants to pack up and go.... and the rest of me is terrified.

Have you not NOTICED that your girlfriend isn't leave you?

She JUST wants some AIR TO BREATHE.