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hellonasty · Aug 2, 2008, 05:09 PM

A lot of these topics here.

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 10 years. We had taken space apart a couple of years into our relationship and didn't end up speaking for over a year. In that time we both dated other people and did not speak a single word to one another (she said she wanted space) until one day she sent me a message. We quickly met up- and got back together almost instantly after both of us realized that taking that break was a mistake and that we do want to be together.

Fast forward to now. A house,a successful business and office together, dogs and cats and a thousand more memories and we're back here again. She wanting to take space.

She says I've been negative for the last year or so and is tired of us arguing and isn't sure that we should be together if we both make each other upset- so she wants to do some soul searching. To get herself back in check- to be able to be herself again. As some people experience when you get into a long term relationship you tend to change a bit. Become somewhat domesticated... lose contact with some friends and have different outlooks on life- as a couple and sometimes you feel crowded. It happens.. Ideally it only happens on a small scale but sometimes it happens on a much greater scale... like in her situation.

Her thinking I'm not very nice and negative is the worst thing out of all of this.. Having a business has really changed the way I am and my tolerances and my life drive. I'm not violent and I don't call her names but I am fairly negative as of late- so she has a perfectly valid point. It's damn tiring hearing your other-half being negative all the time.

This all started with a pretty big fight the other week. It got way out of control and I think it sent her over the edge. So here I am. A sobbing little (I never sob) and a girlfriend whom I love more than anything not sure if she wants us to be together. Not because of not loving one another but because she doesn't want us to keep making each other unhappy (read:me making her unhappy with negativity). We're suppose to be a family and families shouldn't make each other feel bad.

I'm not sure what to do. I fully encourage her to go out (but of course that makes it seem like I'm giving permission. Which is bad) and have fun with her friends and family. Go dancing.. dinner.. whatever she needs. Somewhere along the lines my negativity must have given the impression that it's not cool to go out without me. Of course I would never ever say such a thing.. or even think it.. but maybe my body language read something else.

I'm just worried that she will realize that perhaps she doesn't want me or that she doesn't love me or god know what other horrible conclusion. I'm realistic. I know what could happen. I've ended up talking with her about our state of affairs a few times (a day- bad, bad, bad) about how I can't stay here if we aren't together and she said she doesn't mind if I'm here and to stop being so pushy as this is part of the problem.. she feels crowded. And it's driving her crazy!

Things haven't been so well for her professionally and other stresses are building up too- I think I put her over the top.

So she's not ready for me right now. And doesn't know if she ever will be(I've heard this before in the heat of the moment). What do I do? I'm trying to really read between the lines here. To see if there's a chance.

Do I chill out and take it easy? Not be so stressed around her? Act like a friend, again? Even if I move out- we still share office space together that is dependent on me.

I really feel like I'm stuck in bad place.

hjpan · Aug 2, 2008, 05:12 PM

Stop working and take her on a 3-5 day cruise around Hawaii or Carribeans

hellonasty · Aug 2, 2008, 05:13 PM

I tried! She is so stressed about her work and getting by that she doesn't want to go away. I'm sure me being negative is not that appetizing either.

hjpan · Aug 2, 2008, 05:20 PM

Originally Posted by hellonasty

I tried! she is so stressed about her work and getting by that she doesn't want to go away. I'm sure me being negative is not that appetizing either.

1. Buy tickets to cruise
2. Show up at her house and go in
3. Do not talk to her/respond to her when she questions your presence
4. Put the tickets in her hands and whisper "I know you're in a bad mood and stressful situations. Please take this and let yourself be merry."

Now, there are two outcomes:
5. Your girlfriend kisses you and you two make love

OR

5. Your girlfriend puts the ticket down and walks off

I hope it's the first five.

gg23 · Aug 2, 2008, 05:23 PM

Man, you must be in a tough place. I would say just try to give her space. It's a hard thing to do when you love someone very much, but sticking around would only make things worse. And please stop worrying and wondering what she will decide, because you cannot control her decision. If she wants to be with you, she will and if she decided that she wants out, there is really not much you can do. You can't make someone love you, or you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. I don't know your situation, but it could just be that she is stressed out and really everything is just getting to her. And you arguing with her and being negative probably didn't help. It's seems that she is just stressed out.

gg23 · Aug 2, 2008, 05:25 PM

Step back a little, be reserved and let her come to you. All the best

hellonasty · Aug 2, 2008, 05:30 PM

Originally Posted by hjpan

1. Buy tickets to cruise
2. Show up at her house and go in
3. Do not talk to her/respond to her when she questions your presence
4. Put the tickets in her hands and whisper "I know you're in a bad mood and stressful situations. Please take this and let yourself be merry."

Now, there are two outcomes:
5. Your girlfriend kisses you and you two make love

OR

5. Your girlfriend puts the ticket down and walks off

I hope it's the first five.

If I feel I'm making ground with her where she warms up. I'll probably take her to Thailand. Or ill take someone else if she rejects... ugh.

gg23 · Aug 2, 2008, 05:32 PM

Take it slow as your are walking a fine line

hellonasty · Aug 2, 2008, 05:37 PM

Originally Posted by gg23

step back a little, be reserved and let her come to you. all the best

This is so true. But damn, is it ever hard. She called and let me know she's going out to dinner with her sister and then going out to dance.. just having a good time for the first time in while. I shakily overstep my (new)boundary and ask if she thinks she'll be home tonight. She's says probably unless she drinks too much(she never ever drinks anymore) in which case she'll crash at her sisters(stupid responsible drinking).

My stomach sank... even though I know she'll be cool and won't mess around(I hope at least).

Aside from taking back time to be by herself and not being so cuddly (while she figures this out) she talks and acts exactly the same. It's only when I ask "where are weeeeeeeeeeeee????? wah wah wah " do things get all shaky and she sketches out.

gg23 · Aug 2, 2008, 06:59 PM

It's good you know what makes her tick. So don't ask. Withdraw your attention a little. You might be surprised at what could happen. And maybe she would find her way back to you and she will be chasing you... it's hard, yes, but whoever said that relationship was going to be perfect?;)... expect good things and don't think too much about her leaving you. Focusing on something and trying to fight something only gives it power to persist... I am sure you have heard of that before?. what you resist persists... I would suggest you pick up a copy of the secret... or go to... www.thesecret.tv....and read the stories on there...

ISneezeFunny · Aug 2, 2008, 07:20 PM

I feel that taking her on a cruise won't help... if she's "sick of you" (which is... what I'm assuming by her telling you she needs space), locking her up on a boat for a week won't do anything but drive the both of you so crazy you'll want to jump ship. Take it from personal experience. Do not... go on a boat when things are going badly.

It's like every relationship, but... this time, it's more of a marriage than a relationship. You two share a house, a business, and pets. That's a marriage.

I think you two need to sit down, really talk this out, perhaps get some counseling. Most of the time, I'd just flat out and say, "give her space...and you go ahead and live your own life as well" but this isn't that easy... as you two are basically... married.

Try to bring up the counseling, not just together but for yourself as well (negativity... etc.). Try to work things out together. If things don't work out in the end, then... well, we'll go from there. But for now, since you two share so many things together, I feel that ending things will be much more significant than just "losing a girlfriend"

hjpan · Aug 2, 2008, 08:13 PM

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

I feel that taking her on a cruise won't help...if she's "sick of you" (which is...what I'm assuming by her telling you she needs space), locking her up on a boat for a week won't do anything but drive the both of you so crazy you'll want to jump ship. take it from personal experience. do not...go on a boat when things are going badly.

It's like every relationship, but...this time, it's more of a marriage than a relationship. You two share a house, a business, and pets. That's a marriage.

I think you two need to sit down, really talk this out, perhaps get some counseling. Most of the time, I'd just flat out and say, "give her space...and you go ahead and live your own life as well" but this isn't that easy...as you two are basically...married.

Try to bring up the counseling, not just together but for yourself as well (negativity...etc.). Try to work things out together. If things don't work out in the end, then...well, we'll go from there. But for now, since you two share so many things together, I feel that ending things will be much more significant than just "losing a girlfriend"

Maybe a personal cruise?

ISneezeFunny · Aug 2, 2008, 08:14 PM

Ah, that's more like it. Time off from each other?

Sweet...

hjpan · Aug 2, 2008, 08:32 PM

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

ah, that's more like it. time off from each other?

sweet...

Yep :)

talaniman · Aug 2, 2008, 09:20 PM

If after 10 years you have recognised that she needs a break, give her one. Most guys go fishing, golfing, or bowling ,enough to give there female a regular break, but if you haven't been, its obvious you need to. It also makes YOU feel better, and don't have to be a sourpuss, in your own home. That you can control.

hellonasty · Aug 2, 2008, 10:14 PM

Thanks for the advise everyone. I'm just going to have to take it down a notch.

She just called me to let me know what she was doing tonight and where she was planning on going. Which was nice of her-- I went out too... that seemed to make her happy. I'm reading into things too much I think... But I figure if she's volunteering this kind of info like who/what/where... she must still have something in her heart for me. Otherwise she'd just tell me to Eff off and let her live her life. Though I'm still paranoid something bad is going to happen, even though she's been 100% loyal to me over the years... I guess in a time like this a bit of paranoia is natural?

ISneezeFunny · Aug 2, 2008, 10:20 PM

Paranoia... vomiting... crying hysterically in odd places... acting out... yeah, pretty normal.

talaniman · Aug 2, 2008, 10:21 PM

I guess in a time like this a bit of paranoia is natural?

Not when it affects us in a negative way its not, that what may be at the heart of your problem. That's something to deal with proactively.

ISneezeFunny · Aug 2, 2008, 10:26 PM

Got to agree with tal. Whenever you feel like you're paranoid (I know... you really don't notice that you're paranoid until someone tells you), distract yourself. It's a slippery slope that can only get you in trouble.

hellonasty · Aug 2, 2008, 10:26 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Not when it affects us in a negative way its not, that what may be at the heart of your problem. Thats something to deal with proactively.

I'm trying to keep it to myself. I'm not really a jealous person, ever in fact. But right now I'm feeling pretty low and I'm not sure we're even together.. so her going out drinking and crashing at her sisters place makes me a tad nervous. But yes, I mean, she will do what she wants to and me being paranoid isn't going to change that.

I don't let her know I'm paranoid. I just wished her a good night out and that was that.