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tears_of_sorrow · Jul 31, 2008, 11:07 PM

Hello, I dated my wife for about 3 or so years and we haven't been married quite a year yet. Things aren't always the greatest, but aren't always bad. But recently she started talking with one of her x boyfriends that in the past she has cheated on other guys with to be with. Well her and I talked about it, I told her I was uncomfortable with it and she tole me after we talked and agreed that they would stop talking. This guy just got divorced and I have been told he wants my wife back. Well I just found out that he has contacted her again, and when I asked if she had contacted him back, she told me no, then after I saw a look in her eyes and a hesitation in her voice, I called her out on it and she told me she did talk to him. I told her I couldn't handle the lying and she don't see where it was a lie that hurt anything. She says that if she told me truth id be mad, wich I would, but not as mad as being lied to. I am lost her, I love her a lot, she means a lot to me, but I am scared I may lose her to him, she says it won't happen, but she has alos told me she is afraid to hang out with this guy because she feels she would feel the way she used to around him and it may allow her to cheat on me. SO if her and I agreed that they don't talk, and she still is behind my back, what am I supposed to do? I don't want to lose my wife to a affair, I don't want to lose her at all, But in a since, I feel she will resent me for not letting them be friends. I am so lost right now, I just need some advice. Thanks for your time. Josh

starlight1996 · Aug 1, 2008, 01:08 AM

Josh if your wife is talking to her ex that is not always a bad thing, but if she still has feelings for him that another problem all together. I suggest that you remind her of the reason she is not with this guy anymore, and to remember the reasons that you and her are together. If she loves you she will do your wishes and stop talking to her ex.

Romefalls19 · Aug 1, 2008, 05:49 AM

I don't know if the bond you guys have is all that strong. I know plenty of friends that talk to their exes and don't even begin to worry about cheating or having feelings again. If she is not respecting your stance on them talking, then you may need to rethink this whole marriage game.

enigmagnetic · Aug 1, 2008, 07:56 AM

You've got a real problem on your hands. Go to a marriage counselor with her immediately. She needs to hear from someone else that what she is doing is inappropriate and damaging.

MsMewiththat · Aug 1, 2008, 08:03 AM

This is a real problem. She is like a alcoholic hanging out at the bar. She knows that she has a problem and she is already setting up her defense. I submit she isn't ready to be married. I don't even think there is anything that you can do to attempt to convince her not to do it. Of course you can tell her how much you love her and that you don't want to lose her, but stress that you have expectations and boundaries as well. She has to own this one. Unfortunately the more you try to get her to leave him alone the more you may push her his way. She has a decision to make and some real soul searching to do. I don't even think it has much to do with not loving you. She loves you, she just has to resolve the feelings that she has for this other party. Good Luck God Bless.

erin7799 · Aug 1, 2008, 09:10 AM

You have EVERY right to not want them to be friends. She's already told you that she can't be alone w/ him for fear she'd do something. So, she basically told you that she's not to be trusted around this guy and you've got nothing to worry about? I'm sorry but sometimes NO just has to mean NO. You are her husband. She needs to respect your wishes when it comes to this one. And if she doesn't then it becomes a question of her respect for you and the relationship. How committed is she to it? To You? You should never be worried about her being mad for making her choose. You have every right to say No in this situation. And if she continues to do so you're just going to have to figure that one out on your own. You'll know what to do. If it's going to hurt you then why would she want to do it? And honestly, you're not hurting her by not letting her talk to this guy.

talaniman · Aug 1, 2008, 06:08 PM

when I asked if she had contacted him back, she told me no, then after I saw a look in her eyes and a hesitation in her voice, I called her out on it and she told me she did talk to him. I told her I couldn't handle the lying and she don't see where it was a lie that hurt anything. She says that if she told me truth id be mad, wich I would, but not as mad as being lied to.

So she has already lied about it, and that's not a very good start with working together to solve this problem.

but she has alos told me she is afraid to hang out with this guy because she feels she would feel the way she used to around him and it may allow her to cheat on me. SO if her and I agreed that they don't talk, and she still is behind my back, what am I supposed to do?

You sit back, relax if you can, and let her do whatever she is going to do. No way can you do this for her, and she needs to deal with this as your wife. She knows how you feel, and if you both have laid the boundaries, then you trust her as your wife, and deal with whatever happens. You have no control over her, and what's the whole point of marriage if it can't pass the tests, and conflicts, that life throws at you.

If she crosses the boundaries, she pays the consequences of her actions, like any one else.

You don't waste time trying to guard your wife, as to be she is supposed trusted. If you can't, then she isn't really your wife. And then you are wasting your time.

liz28 · Aug 2, 2008, 11:21 AM

If you already stated she has feelings for him and might cheat,I don't understand why would she even consider being friends with guy. I have a few exes as friends and nothing goes farer then us being friends.

It seems to me your wife is setting her own self up for this marriage not to last. This guy is her drug and you know the only way to help someone abusing drugs is for them wanting to change. She don't seem to want to change. So I guess you must sit back to see what happen or try to help the marriage by enrolling counseling or maybe talking to the friend. Set a date to hang out and get a feel for the guy.