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KissMe10der · Jul 31, 2008, 10:14 PM

Ok, I know this is going to sound so stupid.

Yes,I have posted that there is no passion in my relationship. We have been talking about it a lot since my Question. He agrees, that it has been a long time since we have had intercourse or any heavy petting to me... (5-6 weeks?) But, nothing has happened. I mean I know he is working on it, he kisses me longer (Not just the peck) just a couple seconds longer.. and with a tiny bit of tongue... So, I know he is working on it.

Well, my problem is... I can't lay next to him at night without becoming irratated. I want him, and feel like I can't do anything about it. So, I leave the bedroom.

How can I get this off my mind? Im OK, when Im not laying there dwelling that he is only a couple of inches from me and I just want him to take me... :(

Masturbation doesn't work, its not the same. I am not out for the BIG O! Lol, I just want the physical touch and passion of him not being able to resist me.

But, what are other ideas on how to keep this off my mind. So I can sleep while he sleeps?

starlight1996 · Aug 1, 2008, 01:17 AM

Originally Posted by KissMe10der

Ok, I know this is going to sound so stupid.

Yes,I have posted that there is no passion in my relationship. We have been talking about it alot since my Question. He agrees, that it has been a long time since we have had intercourse or any heavy petting to me... (5-6 weeks?) But, nothing has happened. I mean I know he is working on it, he kisses me longer (Not just the peck) just a couple seconds longer.. and with a tiny bit of tongue... So, I know he is working on it.

Well, my problem is... I can't lay next to him at night without becoming irratated. I want him, and feel like I can't do anything about it. So, I leave the bedroom.

How can I get this off my mind? Im ok, when Im not laying there dwelling that he is only a couple of inches from me and I just want him to take me... :(

Masterbation doesnt work, its not the same. I am not out for the BIG O! lol, I just want the physical touch and passion of him not being able to resist me.

But, what are other ideas on how to keep this off my mind. So I can sleep while he sleeps?

My husband and I have been married for thirteen years and have never went no more than two days without being with each other we are even going to further our relationship farther because we love each other and have full 100% faith in each other. We have never been unfaithful, but my question would be why is he not having intercourse with me. When my friends old man started withholding sex from her, she found out he was having an affair. Lots of luck

KissMe10der · Aug 1, 2008, 01:23 AM

Im sorrie, but you don't make sense.

You said you have 100% faith in him, but you bring up he isn't sleeping with you and bring up a friends husband cheatin?

For one, if you are having problems please start your own thread. This really doesn't help me.

littleme · Aug 1, 2008, 01:33 AM

Honey I can't imagine what a hard situation this must be for you... are you sure you want to stay in it? It's a good thing that he is trying but is it enough for you?
If it is, will it help if he holds you at night and you cuddle or will that make it more frustrating for you? You could sleep in separate rooms if that's the case (maybe he will miss you that way too and speed things up for him)..
Finally, can you subtly encourage him to try harder, its sex with the woman he loves after all, how hard can that be? :-)

KissMe10der · Aug 1, 2008, 01:38 AM

That's a good idea about sleeping in separate rooms. But he won't go for it, if I ask to. He would take offense to it.

Lol, I know this is stupid... but he isn't all about sex.. (Good Man!! ) But sometimes I wish he was more about it. LOL

I know its his job, and everything all the stress. But its hard to lay there and think about how he is next to me... and I can't touch him the way I want to..

littleme · Aug 1, 2008, 02:08 AM

I know! Just be patient I guess... esp since there is more to the relation then sex... every now and then try something small, if he doesn't seem intersted back up with no hard feelings and not even talking about it... hang in there if he's the one you want :-)

KissMe10der · Aug 1, 2008, 02:13 AM

Thank you littleme. He is the one I want. Its just tough sometimes.

Getting frusterated leads to horrible thinking. I had even asked him if he wasent attracted to me, and started balling. He told me, its not that.. just he is tired. But he acknowledged that he could see how I would think so.

N0help4u · Aug 1, 2008, 09:36 AM

My x husband was the same way. To keep from crying and sleepless nights because I couldn't even give him to give me a hug or cuddle I always just slept on the sofa.
I even still joke 4 kids = 4 times.
But what kind of real relationship is that? It is not fair to you. Trust me it will not get any better. He has it his way and why would that change? Your wants are not what he is concerned about. You can talk until you are blue in your face but I hear it all the time they do not and will not change on any permanent level. He may go through stages where he tries because you are ''nagging'' but the second he feels he can revert back to taking you for granted he will.
You need to make some quality decisions like is this the way you want it the rest of your life?

littleme · Aug 1, 2008, 11:21 AM

I don't think he is taking you for granted... he may just be not a very sexual person, you have different sex drives and yes that might not change in any real way...
Only you can decide if that is enough for you or not, you did say that he has other qualties that you really like and you do trust that he is not cheatting on you... so your choice, whatever makes you happy :-)

Choux · Aug 1, 2008, 12:27 PM

Resentments are the death of sex and love.

I think the only hope for your relationship is for both of you to go to a couple's counsellor and get EVERYTHING out on the table. Don't be afraid of the truth, be afraid of conscious and unconscious anger-it will "kill" you.

My best regards to you in the future, :)

KissMe10der · Aug 1, 2008, 12:37 PM

You think he resents me?

Hmmm, I guess I could see that. With me being spoiled and coming from a good family. Yes, I agree with him. Money doesn't phase me much, its not the important to me. I haven't had to struggle much, as he has.

We were talking about me going back to school yesterday.. Everything Im interested in.. He mentions the money. Money seems so important to him.. Im not like that, if Im doing something I enjoy that's all that matters. He hates his job, but he makes good money. He said even if you liked his job, and was dirt poor he wouldn't be happy.

Can't win either way with him... Any suggestions?

Part of our conversations is we desided he was to cut back on the money talks. He is working on it. It bothers me, that that's his main concern in life. Is that he sees what he could have, but doesn't. He needs to be happy in the moment. Im here... I need his attention.

I know if this keeps up, its not for me. And yes I will move on.

kp2171 · Aug 1, 2008, 12:42 PM

my partner and I are on completely different "sex" schedules when it comes to time of day... she loves morning, I love night. I'm more sexually driven than her, she isn't neglectful, just less driven, partly due to her strenuous schedule.

one thing I've had to do to keep my mind at ease is to change my routine to be more like hers, and to change my thinking, though this is something that perpetually needs work to some degree... meaning you don't throw a switch and solve the problem.

my schedule change is connected to the fact she is an early riser.. has done more before 6am than the army. I'm a night owl. So I set up my day to make me more awake when she is and more tired when she is. Part of that is making sure I'm up a little earlier than id like... that often means I get in some exercise early in the morning... not a bad outcome. I'm forcing my body to be tired when she is tired. Its easier to fall into bed and not be mr pi$$ypants (yes, she's called me that jokingly).

now... exercise doesn't lower my libido. If anything, it cranks it up. The more confident I am, the stronger I feel, the more playful I seem. So that doesn't solve the issue of not having any touch.

the change in thinking has several components. She's a nighttime book reader. Used to drive me insane that she couldn't be attentive at night for half an hour but she could read for an hour before passing out. I had to finally realize this was her decompression time. It wasn't "available" time for intimate connection most of the time. She's overly tired at this time and even her skin is hypersensitive, and not in a good way. At best, shed be "servicing me"... and ill admit, there are times when that's been enough to keep me from breaking a sink in frustration... not that I accidentally did that one after leaving the bed pent up... went in the bathroom, splashed water on my face, and grabbed the sink and lifted in frustration, not thinking it would break. Well, not thinking at all apparently. It did. Oops. Dumb man lift big things. It didn't look too bad glued together until I did the remodel. =)

off topic I am getting.

so... I had to have a talk with her and a talk with myself. To her, I said something like "i know you are tired at night so this is what I need. I need to kiss you, and sometimes five or ten minutes of kissing that doesn't lead to sex is exactly what I need. I might jump at the chance for sex if you are interested, but I can sleep better knowing you've engaged me, even for a little time. Even better if sometimes you follow up the next morning, when you are primed, with a continuation." for the most part, it works. she is still tired and not exactly in the moment, and i can get some touch and attention, a little "win", leave the bedroom and putter for a bit... do a crossword, read a book (i dont like reading or working in the bedroom... i think it should be for sleeping, sex, and time together)... and then come to bed later after ive seen her light go out.

and to myself ive had to repeatedly understand the reality. i chose to be with a wonderful woman who excites me sexually, but whose sexual rhythms are different than mine. i have to accept i am going to be the initiator much of the time and that means im going to be turned down some of the time. i have to understand what helps her be more receptive... such as a clean house, finances in order, privacy, time alone that i planned, a hot bath, etc...

most of the time im going to be doing most of the work. weve found some middle ground by my going probably 5 steps her way and shes come probably 2 steps mine. its still good and still worth it to me.

all that noise and im not sure i answered anything. i guess in the end i decided all i can do is all i can do... that includes bending her way in ways i can and asking for the things i need and picking my battles.

i completely get what you say about being a "problem solver"... if hitting an orgasm was all we needed, we wouldnt be in relationships. im the easiest partner ive ever had. =) its about connecting sensually. and an orgasm thrown in there as much as possible is nice too.

if i spend time rubbing her body down to get rid of stress, if i find the pressure points in her feet that help her sleep, or work that place in her lower back (i might have to straddle her to get the best angle tho) thats problematic, its a way to get skin on skin and get the body sensitized. its a way to build up sensual tension. it might not come through at that moment.. but it tends to be a good way for me to put "pennies in the bank"...

so i know you are trying to find ways to curb your cravings, but does he at all enjoy a back rub or shoulders? can you slip in the shower with him and help him wash his hair, shoulders, etc... again... im asking about building tension, not doing "this" to get "that" right away.

so... now I wake up at 5am to wake my partner with kisses down her body. I don't want to be awake then, but I've tried the other way (less sex, less intimacy) and being a little tired isn't the worst way to start my day. Perhaps you could think about when he seems most responsive. Also think about how to surprise him... such as a slip into the shower. I know... you are still doing all the work to set it up. Sometimes its like that.

as for being a problem solver... the first time my partner asked me to bite at her ears and chest while she self stimulated was maddenly erotic. So if hitting the big O isn't your primary goal, fine... but having your partners mouth on your or hands on you when you get yourself off isn't the worst thing ever. Something to think about. And if he changes his mind and decides to engage you, you'll be primed and ready to receive him.

I hope he has half a clue. All you can do is all you can do. If nothing improves, at some point you accept it and stay or you have a really serious discussion about sexual compatibility.

KissMe10der · Aug 1, 2008, 12:57 PM

Lol, in my head I have just threatened to grab my vibrator and use it next to him while he sleeps... making loads of noise to see what happens.

It just sucks, when I put on makeup and do my hair.. and maybe do sutle things like "forget" to put pants on.. walk up to him and talk.. he doesn't second glance me.

My ex's would react by grabbing me and pulling me close... but he stays in place and just talks. I didn't want that!! Lol, I don't do it for that. I could careless about the silly conversation I started.

kp2171 · Aug 1, 2008, 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by KissMe10der

and maybe do sutle things like "forget" to put pants on...

=)

when my partner does this and says "oh no. my pants fell off" it's the cutest thing. Or maybe the cutest is when she immediately after asks "why havent yours fallen off too?"... and then "they still arent off" in the seconds I'm scrambling to get them off... that's probably right up there too.

silly pants. Silly gravity.

KissMe10der · Aug 1, 2008, 01:41 PM

LMAO, that is cute.

Choux · Aug 1, 2008, 01:47 PM

I think you both have resentments... you have to put them all out on the table, in my opinion. :)

Resentments = no love and bad sex.

greeneyedgirl12 · Aug 2, 2008, 07:44 AM

Originally Posted by KissMe10der

Thats a good idea about sleeping in seperate rooms. But he wont go for it, if I ask to. He would take offense to it.

Lol, I know this is stupid... but he isnt all about sex.. (Good Man!!!) But sometimes I wish he was more about it. LOL

I know its his job, and everything all the stress. But its hard to lay there and think about how he is next to me... and I can't touch him the way I want to..

Oh my god we have the same boyfriend. I hope you're not from Oklahoma City. Seriously, I have the same problem. We've only been together for 2 months and he has zero interest. We have had sex once and had heavy petting once. We are 27 years old, this is not normal, so if you find the answer let me know because I feel you. I lay next to him and want to punch him in the face I'm so frustrated and he says the same things, 'yes I'm attracted to you' etc.

For both of us I wonder if our boyfriends have had some really bad sexual experiences, like a girl who made them feel really bad and now they have such anxiety about the whole act that it's not even enjoyable so why bother.

Justme76 · Aug 5, 2008, 09:54 PM

I was in a similar situation where my guy had a hard time kissing me other than little pecks here and there and the sex wasn't that great. I thought it was something I was doing wrong or he wasn't interested. I was really interested in him and thought I would give it a chance to change. After a few months I finally decided to ask him what the problem was and told him how I felt. Come to find out he had a claustrophobic issue with getting his face close to anything and was embarrassed to tell me. He felt like he wasn't satisfying me so I started making comments about things I would like him to do to me and things I would like to do to him. Needless to say he finally came around and things couldn't be better. Maybe you should talk to him and tell him how you really feel and how his lack of affection bothers you. Communication is a necessity, make comments about things you'd like him to do to you and things you like to do him. Be patient and he will come around. If not, you need to decide if its worth staying around. Good luck and I wish you all the best.