[imogenheap]

My girlfriend and I were high school sweethearts and we've been together over 10 years, and we've been basically married for 6 of those. She was raped immediately prior to meeting me, and told me that it happened shortly after it did, when we were at the movie theatre just before the previews started. I didn't know how to react, and being in high school, I just let the movie start without saying much more than "I'm sorry." Someone else she knew told her to tell 3 people, so I was one of the three. She told a family member as well, who in turn told her paretns and it sent rumors flying through the family, complicating things, and everyone denied it, including her. But those who were close know that it happened and it was a problem that needed to be dealt with. Being in high school, she had to live with the person who raped her, so she basically acted like it didn't happen. She would lock her door, only change in her room, take showers when she was the only one home, etc. We talked about it another time back then and I think I asked questions that came across that the threats made against her didn't make sense. E.g. She'd be thrown from a window. But the window had a large piece of heavy furniture in front of it and I said "that just doesn't make sense." It was insensitive and I have never apologized. It has been one of those things I let go, hoping that I would not make it worse. I mean obviously if you're being threatened with rape you don't stop to think of the mechanics of the threat, you just react. As time went by I asked her "how do you live with him? How do you act like it just didn't happen?" and she would comment "what choice do I have?" Not much else was said after that. She also began being bullemic (by choice) around that time and has been throwing up her food 4 or 5 times a week if not daily for the last 10 years. She says she does it to lose weight, and can stop when she wants. She has stopped many times as well, when we were trying to have a baby, for example.

My problem is that we react in very different ways. She is a very secretive person, she keeps all her emotions inside, she doesn't seek help from others, and she prefers solitude over solace. Before I met her she didn't like affection. Through our relationship, she has become much more affectionate, letting people hug and hold her, kiss her, and now she takes and gives hugs to our friends, which she didn't do when I first met her. I, on the other hand, am needy and insecure, afraid that people are going to leave me. This comes from a history of fathers and step fathers leaving and my mom dying when I was a 16--it seems everyone I've ever loved has left me. I have been working on those issues myself.

We have had a batch of problems that I don't know how to react about, and there is all this baggage which I fear is coming to light from our past. Things that she said she forgave me for she is bringing up now, 6 years later... and asking questions about why I did the things I did. I know I caused her a lot of pain and heartache by thinking of only myself and not of her. I'm afraid she sees history potentially repeating itself, and it's possible she feels inadequate like she is not enough for me, because I have attractions to other people and, with permission, I would act on it. She is hurt by me wanting to act on those desires, and is afraid that I am going to ruin her friendship since the person I am attracted to is a good friend of ours.

There is a whole mishmash of squabbles here and there that also are factoring in, plus tremendous stress from her job and from my school, but that is all minutia compared with the two huge issues. I don't know how to deal with the baggage and be what she needs. The way she deals with a problem is to repress it, keep it bottled, and try to pretend it doesn't exist. When we have a fight, there comes a point where she says "I'm done" and she shuts down and then the next day pretends like there was no fight at all. Nothing gets dealt with, but when we fight my way, I tend to go off into crazytown by making accusations in the form of assumptions, waiting for her to contracdict me--when really that makes her feel like everything she tries to is pointless since I look at things so skewed. When we have a fight, my reaction is to talk it out and communicate everything, to get to the root of it, to ask questions, to spend hours stating assumptions and having her refute them because she won't just tell me what the problem is. I have asked her to tell me when I start to do that... make assumptions and not listen, and have a skewed view, and so far she has pointed it out two or three times. I think we can get over that together. But when she's upset and I don't know what's wrong with her, I have to guess at it and I tend to think it's my fault. Then I get upset and she feels the need to comfort me, so the problem becomes about me when she was the one upset in the first place. And she is left with no way to deal with her problems.

I don't know how to let her be upset and to stop making things about me. The last few days she has been wanting time alone a lot. I have been doing my best to give it to her because I love her and I want her to resolve her issues. A good friend of mine says to give her space when she needs it. It's very hard for me to do that, but I am willing to do anything and everything to make the relationship work. Two days ago she took off work an hour early to "go to the store and get some stuff" and I offered to come with her and she said no, she needed to get out of the house. I let her go and it was probably an hour and a half she was gone. Then, yesterday she wanted to work upstairs in the office instead of in the room we both work from, and I let her. I did ask why and she said she needed the printer, so I let her go. I didn't go up there once and probably 6 or 7 hours passed. Then, later that night she had to go again, in the car this time, and she was gone for almost 2 hours just driving. Today she seemed good, and I thought YES we're finally having a good day. She hasn't slept a full 8 hour night in months. She proably hasn't gotten more than two or three hours of sleep each night for the last 2 months or more. I was talking online to our friend and wrapping up work and she said "I thouht you were going to sleep." I wasn't. I said "well, I will but not now. I'm not tired" and she had her computer up but she fell asleep. I shifted and wook her and she woke up and started talking to our friend online as well, and working some. Once I was done and started shutting my computer down she took her pillows and computer and said that she would be up in a few hours to work anyway, so she was just going to go up to th office and she would sleep in there and then work. I resisted by saying that I thought we'd sleep together and that I'd like to hold her and be with her. She said "we were just together for several hours." because we were both on our computers working and talking to our friend on the computer. I said "not really" a and she said "well, that's not my fault." She went upstairs and I tried so hard to let her. I have having such a hard time with giving into her needs for space, but I am trying my best because I know it is important to whatever she is processing in her head. I went upstairs to tell her that I know I should have gone to sleep after she asked me and I told her I was sorry. She repeated it was fine. I told her that it wasn't fine that I didn't listen to her and that I ignored what she wanted. She just said it's fine. I left her up there and came downtairs to go to sleep. She came back down about 2 hours later and I thought WOW it worked! She's coming to bed and everything is OK. But no, she was leaving me a note and didn't expect me to be up. The note says she's going out for a bit to get some peace. She loves me, and thanks me for understanding. She'd be back later to work and sweet dreams to me. With much love, and a big smiley face. It was too much for me to take. She asked if I wanted a kiss and I think I must have said yes because she kissed me and she was about to leave when she turned back and saw my confusion and before she could say something I said "I don't understand. I thought I gave you space. I mean upstairs, you can be up there." and she just said she knew and she was going to be back later. I have no idea what to do or how to react. I just let her go and I am going to not call her or bother her anymore tonight. This is uncharacteristic of her. Also, we were away from each other because we each had surgery in a different state and she had to do a follow up and I had to do my follow up, but we fought when we were away because I was dying without her, I missed her so much and I had the impression she didn't miss me when she did. She was very upset about it. And her surgery and me acting the way I have recently brought back all the issues of the rape and my past infidelity and she was asking me all sorts of questions about it, drunk. When I got back I saw she'd had 1/2 a bottle of vodka and she cut herself intentionally (she said she poured some of the vodka on her cut so she didn't "really" drink 1/2 a bottle). She never drinks, so her being drunk or drinking at all is a huge shift in personality. Further complicating this, our friend whom we've both gotten very close to recently has a pattern of drinking away problems and cutting herself, so I am wondering if she just thought maybe that was a good way to handle a problem. I don't know but she acts embarrassed of it and like it didn't solve anything. Yet she hasn't found anytning else that does as far as I know.

I guess the advice I am asking is how am I to react to all of this, aside from taking all the steps I can to show her I love her and I do not want to be with anybody else, thinking before I speak so that I am not hurtful, and definitely giving her space when she needs it, regardless of how I feel. I need help knowing what is right and how to deal with this myself while still letting her deal with it and still being there for her.

Sorry for the length, but thank you for everyone who will read this and offer helpful advice. I am in need of some serious help, so thank you all so much.

[N0help4u]

When she asks questions about why I did the things I did from years ago tell her that you have learned from your mistakes (if you have).

You say you would act on your desires with her good friend if given the opportunity yet you say you are the insecure type. As an insecure person you should realize exactly how it would feel if she had the same feelings for your best guy friend. If you feel you can act on those feelings with this girl maybe you do not love your girlfriend like you think you do.

You have too much here. What I mean is you are bringing up things from years of hurts and all. While they lead up to who she is and who you are you need to let it all go. Then you need to deal with specifically what are the issues right now.

She goes in a shell when you argue
You accuse and go off the handle when you argue.

You need to both calm down and give it a half an hour or so and then calmly state your side and let her state her side. Then give each their turn to defend where the other has it wrong. NO accusing.

She feels inadequate because you are attracted to other girls and her best friend to boot.

You need to put the shoe on the other foot and realize how insecure you would feel her wanting your best friend.

Listen to her and quit ignoring what she wants and stop over analyzing everything and having the idea that 'you let her'. It sounds rather controlling like as if she would have to have put up a fight to get her way if you didn't 'let' her.

It sounds like you are both reacting to each other to fight for what you expect from the relationship instead of just loving each other.
I don't think she is ever going to get over your desire for other girls or your infidelity, at least not until you get over wanting other girls.

I think you could both use counseling for your own selves AND for your relationship

[talaniman]

You both should be in couples counseling immediately. No stop at go, or excuses about money, or anything that prevents you to be guided through the healing process.

You both have to many issues to deal with this alone. Get help!

[imogenheap]

Thank you both for your input. I realize I forgot to mention that I'm also a girl--I think it somewhat changes the dynamic. There's obviously more to the story... like we had an open relationship when I was unfaithful to her all those years ago, and she approved and even encouraged me to do it. She wants me to be happy, at her own expense. I didn't see that then. I wanted to believe her when she said she wasn't hurt or jealous or bothered, when I should've known she had to be--what person wouldn't be? In the 6 years that have passed, I've only been with her and I've only wanted to be with her. I'm not out there wanting to be with other girls all the time or anything... But over the past few months, a girl I go to school with has become extremely flirty with me (she is just a flirty person, btw). She and her husband and my girlfriend and I have become very close as friends and we often talk about sexual things. After months of everyone telling sex stories and all of us flirting with each other, I just became attracted to her and when I asked my girlfriend how she felt about it all she said it was only human nature and it was fine to talk and flirt. My girlfriend does her own good bit of flirting, as well. The difference is I'm actually attracted and not just joking and playing like they are. I told my girlfriend that I didn't want to go down the path we were down before (when we had an open relationship 6 yrs before) and that I didn't want to hurt her now. She insisted that everything was fine, that she wasn't hurt and that she didn't care. Nothing has happened, and nothing is going to happen. She just knows I wanted it to and that alone is enough to hurt her--but I just realized she lies about it because she wants me to be happy and for me to make the choice to choose her and not anyone else. I do choose her. I've had a huge change of heart and if this other girl was completely naked asking me to do things to her, I'd send her away. Nothing is worth losing my baby.

Sorry to give more story (b/c you commented there were too many issues already!), but I am just sure that this has brought back the pain of the past in addition to causing new hurt. I don't know how to show her that I'm not that person anymore and that I don't want to hurt her. When the four of us have hung out recently, I have sat silent when I could've responded to sexual jokes/comments that our friends made, and usually I add some dirty response that everyone laughs at. Our friend likes to be looked at and always wears low cut shirts and likes to show them off--she makes sexy faces and stuff at me while leaning over and stuff and she's told me she wants me to look. Lately I haven't been looking. We played pool and I actually spent the whole game walking to the opposite side of the table so that I would not be in view of the goods. Lol. I know that there are other problems than this one that my girlfriend is dealing with--the surgery she had was required because of the rape and she'd needed the surgery for ten years but she had just been living with the physical effects until she couldn't bear it anymore. Then she found out she had precancerous cells and that has to be scary. Plus her parents gave her zero support about the surgery and got mad/hurt that she had to leave town 10 days early for her follow up appointment (where she found out about the precancerous cells!). And her work is insane right now--she has been working 16 or 18 hour days for months. I think it is just a combination of everything that is getting her down. But what scares me is the cutting herself and the drinking, because it is sooo out of character for her. The only thing I can control is myself, and my actions right now.

You hit the nail right on the head when you said I should stop using the word "let her" about her leaving for space and such, because in the past I have always fought. I'd cry and beg for her to not go and tell her I knew that the second she left she'd get into a car accident and that would be over. Not wanting to hurt me, she would stay and then I guess not deal with her problems. I am learning that I have to let her deal with things in her own way and I have to give her the space to do that. So me using the words "let her" actually fit because if I didn't keep my mouth shut and not fight her or ask her to stay, she wouldn't go. I'm just growing up enough to realize she needs to, and the way I feel about her leaving to think or do whatever she does isn't important because what's important is giving her what she needs (Even if that's being away from me!). And also, I usually cry and come unglued at this kind of stuff, but I have been trying to let her focus on herself and I have been trying to not take away from what she's going through by letting her see how everything is affecting me. She needs to worry about herself for once, and not worry about me, you know? Honestly I just don't know what to do to because I can't change the past, but I don't know how to show her that I am different now and that I won't hurt her again. I'm just having a hard time standing by and letting her resolve her issues, but when things seem to be getting worse instead of better I don't know whether I'm making things worse by keeping my distance...

[N0help4u]

Yes it does sound like as in your original post that she says things are okay and then sulks silently and resents you for it. That is why you need to get into counseling. You are both inadvertently playing games with each others emotions instead of coming right out and stating what you want.

[imogenheap]

You both should be in couples counseling immediately. No stop at go, or excuses about money, or anything that prevents you to be guided thru the healing process.

You both have to many issues to deal with this alone. Get help!

I wish we could go... but she was forced to go to counseling as a child and her psychologists betrayed her trust by telling her parents everything that was said during sessions, and her parents bugged her room and really invaded her privacy because they have their own issues. Long story short, she doesn't believe in therapy and she will not go, under any circumstances. She thinks she can solve everything herself.

I am going to go to counseling myself, though, because I need to work through my problems and also I need to show her at minimum that I am trying everything I can to fix my own issues. So I have been looking at psychiatrists (I think I may benefit from some mood stabilizers) and I do plan to make changes in myself. I just don't know what those changes should be yet, but I know my priority is to stop thinking about myself and not hurt her.

Thank you for your helpful comments.

[N0help4u]

Well your therapist should be able to give suggestions that you could use to help get her out of her shell even if she refuses to go.

[Romefalls19]

If she won't go to counseling I don't see this working out. You can go to better yourself, but if she refuses help then nothing more can be done

[talaniman]

Not to be judgemental, but that novel you wrote has very little facts to judge anything by, and I'm afraid this whole saga is dysfuntional, and needs a professional to unravel it. Now you can be offended, but not trying to be harsh, but your in way over your head here. Your friend needs immediate help, and that's what I gleaned from your posts.

[imogenheap]

No definitely not offended, talaniman. Like I said, I know I need serious help. ;) It will be fine in time, and with effort on both of our parts. And I know things could be worse, too. I appreciate the time you guys took to respond.

[iwantt0kn0w]

Ok, you two are stuck in a love/hate addiction, and you both get off on it. It sound like you love to play “a victim” and the other one likes to play “a paranoid lunatic.” Hey guys, there is some hope. I was in the same hell hole until it ended up with me almost committing a suicide and my ex almost incarcerated. The truth is, we (my self and my ex) are good, smart, educated, kind, hard working, law abiding people…acting like two immature idiots.

You see, he had his baggage. I had mine.

Neither one of us ever dealt with our: daddy issues, bullies issues; sadistic neighbor issues, worthlessness issues. So, we got together like two lonely kids would. Oh remember all of the times when you two were perfect for each other , when you would cross the mountains and swim across the rivers for each other? That is unhealthy and sad behavior. How can we love somebody if we don’t love our selves; who can fill that void? Are we really supposed to be so desperate, needy, and enmeshed?

We go on with our lives hoping that somebody will love us, that somebody will see how great we are…while we don’t even show our real face…not because we don’t want to, but because we don’t even know who we are.

There is a better life. There is happiness for all of us. I promise. I have seen the darkness of bottoms and I have seen the peak of highs. But, but there is nothing like letting go of their bs, their shame, their guilt, and our self punishment. There is a such fulfilling and complete life- when you have a self love and acceptance.

It is not you fault nor it is theirs. We have all been repeating sick sad cycles of pain and denial. But, you can get well. If you are willing, you two can be happy- alone or together. There are so many rehabs (yes I said rehab, you have a love addiction) where you can go for help. You can start reading a self esteem book, a self empowerment book, you can say your daily affirmations, you can tell a story, or try a good trauma psychologist; not a counselor, a psychologist, the one that cares. There are a lot of “confused” therapists, got to be careful out there.

It is a long slow process. But, one of these days, a light bulb is going to go off in you head, and you will say: “thank you God for making me happy and alive.”