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littleme · Jul 31, 2008, 09:54 AM

Hey everyone... I just want to probe in the male psyche here and see what might make a guy act in this way so here it goes... bear with me on the details :-)
My exboyfriend pursued me for four months (messages,calls, sweet stuff)and then he finally got me and we went out for about two months. During those months, some days would pass where he would be distant and not answer to my texts or phones(he's a hairdresser by the way and works full time) but then he would go back to normal and what always made me hang on was how great we were and how much fun we would have when we were together.
I guess I became more clingy when we started actually dating and would call him and text him a lot more than I did before. But I mean that's normal right, he is my boyfriend after all and I can call him more than I would call a friend(I would do that a lot more when he was distant, instaed of giving him space I would cling until I felt things were back to normal)...
Anyway I guess that, and the fact that he had so much work pressure at the salon and financial pressure as well, finally got to him because he told me that he sees me as afriend and would really like it if we can go back to that. I told him I would need time before I can see him as a friend and he was fine with that but told me to please not disappear...
So around thirteen days after the break up, I call him just to say hi and he was very nice. Asking about my work and stuff and he told me to pass by the salon sometime... five days after tha I sent him a text asking how his Sunday was going and suggesting that he take advantage of the sun and tan, a cute message I though... he did not reply!! Two days later, I saw him on msn so I sent a hi with a smiley and no answer!! He hung around online for like 10 min and didn't answer me!!
So needless to say, I am back to embracing the no contact rule... I am not going to go on being ignored this way... if he wants to be my friend he can call me, right?
But my quetsion is: why didn't he reply? If he says that he wants to be my friend, why is he acting like he hates me? A friendly reply to a message does not mean that he wants to get back to me so why won't he just do that out of decency and respect for the friendship we had before we stared dating?!
Sorry if that was too long but I am just frustrated with the entire thing! I should not be contacting him anymore right?

Rockstar714 · Jul 31, 2008, 10:13 AM

Sometimes saying "lets just be friends" is a cop out and means "i don't want to see you anymore, but I'm trying to be nice about it"

Don't contact him anymore and move to the next guy.

Romefalls19 · Jul 31, 2008, 10:37 AM

Rockstar is right, it might mean, "yea it's over, don't talk to me anymore"

talaniman · Jul 31, 2008, 10:41 AM

Basically you have asked this question in another post, and its best to wait for someone to be ready for friendship, and not push it, as people have to heal, and move on, and that takes time and space. Give them all they need and move on yourself.

Rockstar714 · Jul 31, 2008, 10:44 AM

Plus you guys only dated for 2 months. Its not like it was years and years and years. AND you changed after you guys got together, you said it yourself, you got more clingy, which is why he backed off from you. Before you were dating he liked the girl that wasn't clingy, then when he got you and you held on he freaked out and wanted to end it, which was why he was distant.

He'll need time, and if he wants to be friends leave it up to him.

littleme · Jul 31, 2008, 12:26 PM

When I asked that question before, I hadn't texted or msned him yet... I had only called and things seemed fine, he was real friendly on the phone...
But I guess you guys are right, he needs to forget the clingy person I had become at the end... it just hurts that's all... its not that what I want him back but I thought at least we could go back to being friends and I thought he wanted that too... I guess even that is too much for him at this point... can a person switch emotions so fast?

Rockstar714 · Jul 31, 2008, 02:04 PM

Yes, they can switch emotions that fast.
I've gone from hating someone to being their best friend over night just because they redeemed themselves with me (I'm talking about a coworker I couldn't stand)

talaniman · Jul 31, 2008, 02:34 PM

Rockstar is very right, people can change pretty fast, depending on the motivations. Your guy was probably freaked by your change, and needs a lot of time. I think you need the time to figure what motivated YOU to change.

maxim_r · Jul 31, 2008, 07:34 PM

Most likely he has found another woman and doesn't need you to meddle right now. He was pursuing you for 4 months because when you left him it was a blow to his ego and he didn't have anyone else lined up yet. Now he's probably found another girl whom he likes, which is why he told you he just wants to be friends. And they are probably getting even more serious, which is why he cut you off.

It sucks, but that's the only thing I can think of that would explain his behavior. Sounds like he used you until he found something he thought was better.

littleme · Aug 1, 2008, 12:09 AM

We weren't dating before he was after me, we were just friends so I don't think it's a blow to his ego... but I do think he found someone else... why does that mean we can't be friends though?

ISneezeFunny · Aug 1, 2008, 12:26 AM

Well... are you OK with seeing him with someone else?

Also, I'm sure his new girl (if he has one... not saying he does) wouldn't appreciate you being his friend, right?

Almost everyone needs that period of being left alone after a break up. If he wants to be your friend after some time, he'll let you know. By wanting to be his friend, you're only pushing him away.

talaniman · Aug 1, 2008, 04:35 AM

Why does that mean we can't be friends though?

Because to be friends takes two people who like each other, unconditionally. You can't force it.

littleme · Aug 1, 2008, 06:44 AM

I know I can't force it... and I guess I should him give space but I am impatient person and want things to happen fast... I want to move into the friends phase fast even though that seems to be impossible :-(
I still don't get why he doesn't want to be even friends... I know that sounds immature and childish but why? I mean we were such good friends before everything happened and ist not like I did something major to hurt him or something or is clingingness that bad in a giy's book?

talaniman · Aug 1, 2008, 07:02 AM

Is your impatience hindering your ability to empathize with others?? A relationship break up requires mourning, and healing at one own pace, and in ones own way. Back off, and be patient, even if you don't get what you want.

ISneezeFunny · Aug 1, 2008, 07:03 AM

Clinginess is the devil in a guy's book. You've become "that girl".

I got to ask, why do you want to be friends with him? Is it to try and get back with him? Is it... really simply to be friends with him again?

littleme · Aug 1, 2008, 11:15 AM

He's the one who broke up with me, so what does he have to mourn for? I have no choice but to be patient because to insist on the friendship is to cling more and that got me nowhere in the first place :-)
I want to be friends though because I miss him as a person... I don't want to get back to him because part of me knows that we would never have worked out long term (too different) but I still want him in my life... I know it will be difficult at first but I just want to try and see.. I guess he doesn't feel that way... its been a week since I texted and he hasn't reacted yet :-(
Also, he's my hairdresser... I realise there are a million other hairdressers but he was good... I guess I can't go to his salon anymore either, yeah?
Thanks for the advice guys, I truly need to hear this even though it might not be what I want to here :-)

MehrabH1023 · Jul 27, 2010, 04:06 PM

I know this sounds weird but even though I'm 15 I went through the same thing, I went out with my best guy friend and yes a month and a half later he broke up with me. He was distant sometimes and I guess I started talking to him even more after being with him and I guess I clinged, then he broke up with me when he was going through some issues saying he couldn't devote himself and he needed some space and it would be better if we were 'just friends'. But later as I (stupidly) tried to fix our friendship by trying to be close as we were before going out, totally destroyed it. Now we really aren't friends anymore but I think there's still hope for that one day we'll be friedns again I mean it was his words when he said time heals everything...