[arle]

Threads merged


So here is the breakdown (its a long one). Over 6 months ago my g-friend caught me chatting to some girl online and showing intention to meet for coffee. I would have never gone through with it but I was just curious. Anyway, 6 months later it was still affecting our relationship until I couldn't take it anymore because she could not get over it. We broke up for 3 weeks and then I saw her with a guy friend of hers alone at a bar having a drink. I guess I wasn't over her because I got very jealous for one of the first times in our relationship and I got back together with her the next day. We both agreed we could work on things and now I see myself 100% committed while she is not. She says that me breaking up with her really affected her and that she is not sure about the relationship anymore although she is constantly telling me she loves me and I can see it clearly that she still is..

The other night we were going to meet up at night but she told me it was girls night out because her and a friend of hers had just gotten a new job and they wanted to celebrate so they were going to meet me up later. I told her my phone was going to die so we should meet up now but she insisted that it was girls night out so we decided that she should just look for me a the bar I was going to be at. 2am came around and she had not showed her face so I went home. She called me 30 min later but I was asleep and was texting me the whole night saying that she was worried. I called her around 4:30 am to explain that I was tired and that's why I didn't call her when I got home but she was upset. The following night she is going out to dinner with a friend of hers and says she will call me after. 12am I call her and she does not answer. I call her at 1:30am and still nothing and at this point it starts to get to me so text her saying why is she ignoring my calls. She calls 5 min later and she is in some loud bar or club and I get pissed. She says that she was out just like I was and I basically tell her to go have a fun time tonight. I then text her telling her that she is making no effort whatsoever to help this relationship and she starts going on about how I had done it to her the night before. I tell her that if she was so upset we could have talked about it but that I was the one who was upset right now. She says fine and we don't speak the rest of the night. She texts me the following night at 4am to say "hi". I don't respond and she calls me the following morning. I tell her that I went out with some friends last night and that Im going to the beach, she tells me to have a good day. Anyway she doesn't call that day nor the following. Should I just keep the distance from her for a bit or tell her how what she is doing is affecting me?

[Romefalls19]

You guys both sound highly immature and are going tit for tat. There is no excuse for this from either party. You come off as too clingy one night, and then the next so do she. Both of you sound insecure with each other, and as much as you can say, neither has forgotten the past. You virtually cheated on her by trying to meet up with another girl, then you ended it because she couldn't get over it? Bro, no wonder! I wouldn't get over my girlfriend(she would be my ex) if she was trying to meet another guy for "coffee."

This relationship is so flawed that it's not going to work out, lack of communication, trust or boundaries of any sort

[Andrew916]

Wwell it sounds like your night out got a snow ball rolling. This whole ordeal could pick up speed and size VERY quickly. It could soon be out of your hands and capacity to fix. If you want this relationship to work- sit down and TALK. It's like you two are just trading blows. One of you will have to break this cycle if you want to survive. It's really that simple. Do nothing and you'll lose. Do something while you still can and save it. DECIDE

[erin7799]

Yes you should probably just distance yourself for now. She probably does really love you and she is probably still extremely hurt by what you did. Maybe you didn't actually meet up w/ the other woman, but the intention was certainly there. Although physically you weren't w/ the other woman, you were still cheating on your girlfriend. Just because it's talking, it's still inappropriate to do when you're in a relationship because the intention was there to meet her and you were thinking about this other woman in an "Im going to date her" sense. Sounds to me like she is punishing you in a way for what you did. She wants you, but she wants you to see that she can be OK. w/out you. I'm just saying. This is what it sounds like. You should just probably let it go for a little bit but definitely let her know. You both have to be willing to move on from this. You have to make her aware that you will NOT do that again and mean it. She also has to FORGIVE you and mean it in order for it to work. Because if she continues to play games and throw it in your face, you will not ever move on and she'll never be able to mend her broken heart. Hope to all works out for you!

[arle]

I know it seems flawed but it wasn't this way prior to all of this drama, plus I love the girl. I guess that's why it is so hard to let go of. I am trying to fix things but she doesn't give me the chance to because she keeps doing things to upset me. The tables have turned and now I feel vulnerable in this relationship

[Rockstar714]

I know that if my boyfriend was talking to another girl online or in person, I'd probably draw away from him and end the relationship.

YOU were looking for the greener grass on the other side. SHE caught you, and now you want to keep her. YOU screwed up, she realized she doesn't have to be treated like that.

I know its hard to let go because you love her. But she can't get over what you did, and she shouldn't have to. Let her go. The relationship will never be the same.

[Andrew916]

Rockstar has a good point. Even if your relationship does recover, it'll never be 100% the way it was before. She'll definitely have trust issues and it's that trust that makes up the foundation of a relationship. Without it- you'll have a terrible time.

[chuff]

For the love of all things holy. I couldn't even finishing reading this. It reads like a bunch of middle schoolers. You both sound so insecure and needy. Your right, she is playing games but it's up to you to either man up and not put up with it, or walk away. If this is how she can treat you and you let her, what do you think she's going to do.

I understand you love her, but she obviously does not love you back. So you can hold on for all hope or you can save yourself from what she is putting you through.

You just wrote the tables have turned... and the moment, and I do mean the very moment that happens that's the moment you have to either get out or get used. Right now you are getting used and you can't do a damn thing to save yourself. You will only teach her you do not appreciate or put up with games by ignoring them and walking away. To do anything else plays into her and will only keep her going and you being vulnerable.

[plonak]

I didn't read all the posts here so sorry in advance if I repeat anything..

VERY immature behavior on your part.. the fact that you were talking to the girl online just to see where it would go is so dang stupid.. my ex did something like that and he said the same thing as you "I never would had gone through with meeting her, I just liked the attention" stupid stupid stupid.. all guys should read this. That's a sure fire way to lose your girl stop going online getting yourself in trouble, if this girl is smart, she'll stay far far away from you

[Andrew916]

There's a reason they're called EXCLUSIVE relationships.

[arle]

She had trust issues from the beginning because her ex cheated on her with her roommate. She caught me because she logged into my email and read my emails..

[Andrew916]

Well that confirmed her fears didn't it? I'm beginning to think more and more that the hole is being dug deeper.

[Rockstar714]

Now she has even more trust issues. Her last boyf cheated on her, you were thinking about it... I feel sorry for the next guy.

Face it, you betrayed her trust. She will never look at you the same again. I think this relationship is beyond repair, sorry to say it, but you confirmed her distrust in guys. And I know from experience that trust is a hard thing to regain.

My current boyf was cheated on by his last 3 girlfriends, he's only had 4, I'm his 5th. Every time we have an anniversary he brings up that by now he's been cheated on and he wonders when I'll cheat on him. We were best friends for a year, and we've been together for almost 10 months. He still doesn't trust me. He probably never will, and I have to deal with that, knowing that even though I have never betrayed his trust I have to live with the repercussions of his ex's mistakes.

[Romefalls19]

Rockstar, I agree with what you said completely! It is beyond repair, trust was violated way too much for one person to take.

But with your boyfriend, there are a lot of things he can do to repair the damage that was dealt to him from his exes. I was the same way as him, cheated on by my first love, then my recent ex emotionally cheated on me, and now my present girlfriend, well she has won all of my trust by proving she was not like them. In time he will learn this:-)

[Rockstar714]

Every time he says it I just tell him to shut up. :) (But in a nice way, of course)

He just has things he needs to get over, and I've told him this. And every time he starts I tell him again.

[arle]

Threads merged

Hey guys, this is my second post. I've been dating this girl and I love her a lot. The first 6 months were great and she is one of those girls that are worth keeping. Anyway, the relationship has started to spiral down because I was being mischievous on the computer and caused her to be insecure. We had some ups and downs but then we started arguing a lot. I broke up with her because I couldn't handle the stress of fighting but then I got back with her a month later because I missed her a lot. Now she says she was really hurt after the breakup and she is not feeling the same about the relationship anymore although she tells me she still loves me.

She has started playing games by going out with her friends to bars and clubs and not calling (which is the reason I originally got into a fight with her). Anyway I started NC and she started calling, txting, etc. So thurs. comes around and she calls me and it sounds like she is really missing me so I tell her "Do you want to talk about things" She doesn't engage so I tell her how I feel about her going out with friends to bars/clubs all the time and that if she wants to do that it is fine and that she should take her space but if she wants to be with me she has to stop doing things because it upsets me... Wow, what happened next left me very confused. She threw it all back in my face. Tried to turn it around on me.. Anyway we argued, I told her to come meet me up at a bar I was at because she was with her friends nearby. She didn't call till 4am (was asleep). She called the next day and left me a message and I called her back, we both pretended like it never happened. I called her on sat to ask her what she had done on Fri and she was out to some club with some friends after she told me prior to that that she was going to do something low key.

I have put down the line and I have kept moving it because I love her but that is the last straw for me. I love her and I do want to get back together with her but I can't take this mistreatment anymore. I messed up in the beginning but I have been trying to make things work again by building up trust and just treating her better but now the tables have turned and she is the one who continues upsetting me. What frusturates me the most is that even after dating for over a year she can't give me the curtesy of just telling me that either she wants to continue or its over. I don't plan to call her at all this week but my question is that if she doesn't call at all after a week should I just continue NC or should I just talk to her about it and come to a civil resolution with her. I want to be with her but I can't continue like this. Regardless what happens, this girl is a great person and I consider her a great friend. I don't want it to be one of those breakups where we both have a grudge but the ball is in her court now. Help?

[notbigthing]

U should talk to her, and work things out, you are not a game, tell her you are upset by what she did, whether she want to change and being together or split up.

[Romefalls19]

Obviously this relationship is over, both parties are going tit for tat. You started it, she continues it.. How much longer are you going to put up with this abuse. Never put in more effort than the other person, a relationship is 50/50. A great quote about this is "When dealing with commitment, you're either in or out. There is no such this a life in between"

[hjpan]

Find a new girl.

[arle]

Yea I already know you all think I should get a new girl.. I will if needed but in regards to what to do now is, should I call her at the end of the week to officially resolve things or just go NC?