[kcook]

Well it has been 13 days with NC. Wow it has been gard. I really want to talk to him so bad. I just want him to tell me that he is sorry for the way things happened I guess. Of course on my way out Friday night I saw him and his guy friend. I heard them calling my name from his truck as they passed us (my kids and I). I was looking out the car the other direction and never looked over. It was just sad because my kids were yelling... it A & K . They were close to him and his friends, so that kind of sucks cause it is really been hard for them to miss him too. I haven't done anything stupid... however when I was drinking that night I realyy had a hard time not calling or saying something stupid. But I did make it Yah! I just got angry that he had to yell to make sure that the boys and I saw them. Aren't I the one that is crazy and he is not attracted to anymore? Why in the world would he try to make sure I saw them... or maybe it was just his friend. If I really didn't like someone I would just try and sneak by. Who knows. I just think too much. I know his friends really like me and they have even told me that I deserve better. How sad :( . All I know is that I really miss him. He needs to get his together.. I know. Just can't he realize what he is missing... I miss him and I got so much less, compared to what I gave. How he can't misss me and be sad I just don't understand.

[Chery]

It's hard I know. You never will understand him, but why should you even want to? Do you really want to be with a guy who says you don't attract him anymore? Even if he did answer that question in a thousand words, you'll still not understand or believe his reason, so just leave it alone and concentrate on healing and looking forward. You are dwelling and that's not going to do you any good.

Good luck.

[Sammie66]

I don't believe in this "we don't fit".

I broke up with my ex a few times because of cold feet because I was worried she'd be the only girl I was with. But when the opportunity came, I didn't want anyone else and realised that she was the one I wanted. Now she ended it with me because she decided I didn't love her and I'm stuck feeling like my world has ended.

Communication is the key.

[kcook]

Well I am putting a message on here so I don't text him. I live in a small town and was having good luck avoiding him. But now this is the 2nd time in a few day I saw him. Nothing big, nut when I went to lunch today I saw him driving the other direction on the road. We passed, but I didn't look. I mean I saw him coming and tried to look straight. I am sure he saw me. Funny though he was suppost to start a new job... and I found out today that was just a lie too. He just cruises around, helps friends to make a little money on the side and hangsout. WOW!! It is weird to think that I had a whole different view of who I thought or maybe wanted him to be. Anyway, seeing him sucks. It makes me want to call and say "I miss you, etc" but I know it is stupid. I hope that he thinks about me as well when he see's me. His loss, I know but I still want him to realize it. Thanks for listening. I really don't want to break NC and sometimes I really do think I will.

[Homegirl 50]

I'm not understanding this. You said there were red flags from the beginning, so there were some problems. You finally got a clue and broke up with him because you guys were not a match.
You were probably feeling a bit lonely and missed him, but he is the same immature man he was before. He gets mad and says he has no feelings for you because he is immature, he is exhibiting those same red flags that had been coming up all along.
Be glad he's gone, find someone on your level and don't ignore red flags. They pop up for a reason.

[kcook]

I know reg flags should never be ignored. I went into it just for fun I guess. I mean we really have had very different life experiences. I was married for 12 years and had the "picture" we all strive for. That two was ripped away when my hushand left. It took several years to be over that. But I finally did... with Aaron. I guess sometimes I think it was because there was no life stress. It was just dating. When the reality set in as to what I wanted to move forward with that is when I really started to analize. See since I have been nmarried and divorced I don't want to settle ever again (I did that for 12 yrs married to a control freak/narsasis). So maybe I got cold feet and that is why I broke it off. When I see my future for the boys and I, I want the dream. I know it probabaly won't be that easy, but I don't really want to compromise. I am not a control freak, however I do expect my partner to be giving it his all at this point in life. I also ALWAYS think that if I can just help them see what life is worth they might be happy. Maybe I should start looking for someone how does the same for me, huh!

[Homegirl 50]

Yeah! Life is too short to settle for something you know you don't really work.
You know this already, you will be fine.
I wish you well

[hjpan]

Sounds like a pansy.... he loses his job AND decides NOT TO TRY anything for a while?

There is no reason why he needs to fix himself. If I was the girlfriend, I'd get his @ss in the employment magazine or on the curb....

you don't deserve to be treated like trash.

[kathym72]

Ok, so I dated this guy for a little over a year. I knew there were some red flags from the beginning, but I let myself ignore them. I always tried to help better his life...etc. Well he lost his job a few months ago and decided that he was not really going to try anything for awhile. I am extremely motivated in life to have nice things and work hard for them. So after several weeks of trying to push him to fix himself and him doing nothing I broke up with him. Well about ten days later I took him back again and within a week I felt the same way. Well another few weeks past and we talked and he said he thinks about me all the time, but he just needs time to fix things on his own and he is not happy with where he is in life. Of course at this point I now feel like I miss him more and more. I try to talk to him about relationship things and he freaks. I want to repair things and it seems like the more I talked about it the farther away he got. Well in our last conversation I was very upset because I miss him so much. He got really rude to me on the phone and said I am driving him crazy. Of course it just go worse from there. He ended up telling me that he is just not attracted to me anymore, thats why its done now. I just am confused. I know I initiated the breakup, but I guess really to motivate him to want more and take on my values. It;'s like he doesn't want to grow up and he is 30. I am the first girlfriend he has ever had, he just screwed around girls before(strippers, bar girls etc.) but never cared about anyone. He used to tell me all time how much he cared about me and how I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He even told me how much he he still thinks about me the day before he said he is not attacted to me( What?). How can he switch from one to the other that fast? Or is he trying to just say things to hurt me? I am afraid that he is just going out and being a pig again because that is easier than having a relationship. I am so confused....anyone got suggestions on why he says he misses me...but then when there are expectations he is not attracted to me anymore? Very hurtful thing to say and makes me question myself. Why?

You deserve better than this. Don't ever let anybody bring you down like this. I'm sure you can find happiness with somebody who won't cut you down.
From the sounds of it, he may be messing around, however unless you have proof, don't assume anything.
Please, don't let him hurt you anymore, move on, you can & will find a man to love & respect you. Kat

[Chery]

I know reg flags should never be ignored. I went into it just for fun I guess. I mean we really have had very different life experiences. since I have been nmarried and divorced I don't want to settle ever again (I did that for 12 yrs married to a control freak/narsasis). When I see my future for the boys and I, I want the dream. I know it probabaly won't be that easy, but I don't really want to compromise. I am not a control freak, however I do expect my partner to be giving it his all at this point in life.
I also ALWAYS think that if I can just help them see what life is worth they might be happy. Maybe I should start looking for someone how does the same for me, huh!

It's time to stop 'expecting' anything from anyone else in your life except from yourself... for you and your children!

In my opinion, there is more to this than what's on the surface now.

The title of your thread was the beginning -
Now, you tell us that your ex-husband was a control freak.. but if he hadn't lost his attraction for you, this relationship would probably still be going on.
Afterwards, you looked for the opposite of him and this did not work out for you either. But you want him to miss what you had and hope he thinks of you (sounds like role changing, but with the wrong man).

Of course it hurts when we get rejected after giving and giving - it makes us mad and sad and brings out thoughts in us that get us confused. Concentrate on your healing no matter how long it takes.

And let your children help you to get their mom back. At this point you don't need another man to distract you from this healing and it will enable you to bond with the kids more. Spend as much quality time with them as you can because, like it or not, one day they too will be grown and gone.. but not because you don't attract them anymore.. it will be because they have a life to live that was nurtured and guided by you. So be the best mom you can be right now and while healing, think of exactly the type of partner you want for yourself later. The kids don't need any other role-model but you.

We cannot control what others think and do, just what we do.. and we all know that we will see people on the street - don't let them bother you so much in the future.

**I'm in a bit of pain right now, but I hope I was able to make myself clear**

I think you and the kids need long talks together, with or without professional help - to make your home environement stable without needing any other man in it as a priority (in your thoughts of a 'happy family').

Good luck.

[kcook]

Well 21 days NC and doing somewhat OK. Been staying busy with the kids camping and going to the lake. It is not so bad when it is the weekend, nut when I am at work and slow it is very hard. I think about him a lot. I try to change my thinking every time.. but it is hard. I often wonder what he is up to and wonder if he misses me. I also think that I make my own reality up about how he feels and what he really is up to. I just wish I could stop feeling sad and get to the mad stage. I should be mad, because the relationship was like 90/10 (I gave alot). That's why I guess I keep analyzing it. I know he didn't give me much and so I shouldn't miss him that much. But I did EVERYTHING for him, so how could he not miss that. I know that is not the way relationships are, but that's just me. I give a lot when I am with someone. I need to find that balance, but it is just my nature. I don't know. I just wanted to write here so I didn't break NC. Guess it is just like a rollercoaster, huh! Thanks for listening.:(

[JBeaucaire]

We are SOOOO with you. Keep the faith!

[Homegirl 50]

It takes time. You have gone 21 days, you can go more and it will get better.
Hang in there, check in here when you need a boost.

[Chery]

It is a rollercoaster and I'm glad you come on here to vent. That's important. There is no patent regarding the time it takes to heal - that differs with each one of us, but you can read the testimony of many on this site that you too will survive.

It hurts like heck, but try not to dwell on it. When you catch yourself, during the day, play with the kids. At night, you can get up and sweep the floor (even if it's clean) - use that broom to distract you. You can also wash your hair... there is an old song ''Wash that man right outa my hair'' literally. Change the color scheme of your eye make-up so that you will see a new you in the mirror. That helps you notice the change you are going through, but in a positive way - try it - it can't hurt.

Instead of remembering all that you gave - decide on all that you want from now on. Set that goal.

Don't worry, you'll get to the mad stage soon enough, but then don't take it out on yourself, the kids, or even that jerk. You'll need a plan to keep busy during that time, so keep on writing it here or in a diary and let it all out.

Vent all you want dear, it's part of the healing process.

Good luck, and we'll be here for you.

21 days - coping with ANY addiction - is a good step forward, keep it up.

[kcook]

Well I drove by his house this morning on my way to work and guess what. He had a over night visitor. Why is it that they always have to move on so quickly? It hurts and makes me feel like I meant nothing to him. I hate this. I feel so sad, even though I know I deserve better. Help!!

[Homegirl 50]

This validates that he is not good enough for you, that he is not for you. He can move on because he was not sincere about you to begin with. He does not want a mature relationship.
I know it is painful, but be glad you have seen this guy for what he is. You already knew, but you took him back.
Hang in there, it gets better with time.

[Romefalls19]

Homegirl, you're missing a key point in this. STOP driving by his house, this is borderline stalking now, which is a crime. You drove by his house for the sole purpose of checking up on him. How do you ever expect to heal when you are doing this childish things?

Then, to claim he was not sincere is a harsh accusation, along with saying he doesn't want a mature relationship? How does this OP know it was a girl? If it was, it could have been a friend, nothing more.

[kcook]

Ok, I am not a stalker. I can chose to drive the long way to work (not going by his house) or I can go the easy way(by his house). I have been trying to go the other way, but you know I got sick of making my drive longer. I do think Homegirl was right. I know all his friends and that car was not one of them. I also know it isn't by business. However, I am venting here and trying to deal with my sadness. I am beginning to see that the person I thought he was, is not the person he is. I have found out from friends that this is reallyhow he is. I was the only "girlfriend" he has had and he is 30. I guess he just likes that kind of life. The girls that don't expect anything. It just hurs right now. I know the first time we broke up that he brought some girl home from the airport 3 days later. So this is just who he is. Just hard to grasp. I know I want and deserve more from my partner. But it still doesn't take away all those whys. I guess it just comes down to the fact that we aren't on the same level and we have different values. I really thought he would miss me and try to figure it out, but I guess it is easier to just got to the next. I just always think he will make those positive changes for someone else. But the reality is PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE their core values.

[Romefalls19]

Let's see...

Long way - you don't slip back into the wondering about everything he is doing and why the car outside was parked there.

Easy way - you are constantly reminded that he is moving on while you are stuck on repeat.

Long way seems easier to me, but hey that's just my opinion. I hope I did anger you, because when people get angry they bring about change. Nobody will ever change for someone else, they change because they want to.

[Homegirl 50]

Romefalls19,
Well it goes without saying that she should not be driving by his house. She is still in the process of breaking away. She is having NC. She is having a hard time and is needing reassurance that this will pass, that he is not the one for her to begin with. That is what I was doing.
If I felt she was stalking, I would have said so.