[mrenigma]

I've had a lot of thoughts over the last few months about leaving my wife. And I'm at the point of taking action. Why? I care about my wife but if I'm completely honest with myself I'm not in love with her. And I think if she's honest she's not in love with me either. The only way to know is for us to have that conversation and we will but before that really I just want to know if I'm way off base or not.

The first few years were good but over time as a lot of couples do we started arguing mostly over petty things. The main conflict came when she started sleeping on the couch and chatting online all night. We went months with no intimacy. Eventually it boiled over to a huge fight and she spent a week living with her friend while I stayed home with our child. We came to a crossroads at that point and decided to give our marriage another chance. We both would and did make changes but they only lasted for a while.

Over time she migrated back to the couch but we've stopped having huge arguments. Now if we have arguments they're short, no yelling, and we just stop talking for a few days but the problem usually doesn't get resolved just ignored.

The main change has happened over the last few months. My wife was having trouble moving up at her job and was offered a higher position at another company. This company however is in another part of the state and she would have to work there on site not remotely. She said she wanted to take this position for a few years and then come back and I said yes.

I hold the decision to take the job against her. Yes, I did say yes. But the choice came down to career vs family she chose career. I didn't stand up and say no because it sent a signal to me of what is important to her. And I didn't want to stand in the way of her career. She didn't have to take that job we're not strapped for money. I wouldn't have left her and the child for a job I didn't absolutely need.

To be honest it wasn't hard to let her go. I think internally selfishly it was a trial run to see what life would be like without her and the same on her part. I've not looked to start another relationship and have no one in mind when and if we do break up. She comes back to visit once or twice a month for a weekend and when she leaves I'm not sad. The intimacy is lacking severely and when you only see each other a couple of times a month it makes it that much worse. We basically are living separate lives.

It has effected our child who gets good grades but acts out in school. And that's one of the main points that holds me back is it's effect on our child. I know a divorce would be hard on our child but seeing us like this can't be good either.

I think we're still married because it's safe for both of us. We make good money we say we're married our child's in a good school. But we're now leading two separate lives. This is not what I think marriage should be. And I ask myself why don't I miss her when she's gone. I think a side of me thinks says leaving is okay because she doesn't need me she's basically already living on her own and can support herself comfortably. But then I think I took the vows of marriage. Neither one of us seems to want to fight to make this better but neither of us is making a move to end it.

[N0help4u]

You say you hold her decision to take the job against her yet you are okay with it.
It sounds to me like she herself also realized that your marriage isn't the best and she saw no reason to continue in it. Maybe she was looking to you to take the lead and show you wanted her to stay and figured that if you didn't care enough to say "Honey, I really don't think it would be good for our marriage if you go''
It sounds to me that you both hold a good bit of tension and resentment and are looking to the other as the one that should be 'fixing' it.

As you said, over time as a lot of couples do...
Yes most couples fall into a complacency and do not feel the old spark but by that time
Your marriage should be based on commitment not feelings.

You both need to learn to communicate and break down the walls, the tension and the resentments and find what you lost.

I know when I would go sleep on the sofa it was because I was hurting inside that I felt
That my feelings and self worth was not appreciated. I think your wife is really hurting inside and the best thing you can do is ask her to pour her heart out about what all is bothering her so much and don't take it offensively or defensively just listen and then discuss.

[mafiaangel180]

Never stay cause it's familiar and safe. If you guys seriously don't want to be together, don't drag it out. Everyone deserves to be happy.