[cats23]

I am a new mother in law and I need help. My son and DIL have been together for 5 year and have lived together for 1 year but recently married. My DIL used to come to my work every day at lunch time and called my often until the wedding... now she is really mean to me. Last night I was talking to her and I said that my husband and I had just seen her husband (our son) and how it makes me feel good to see his smile because he is such a good looking man. Well my DIL went off on me and told me that I am sick for saying that my son is good looking... that he is a married man and that I need help because I have a problem. I tried to explain to her that as a mother I am proud of my son and I do think that he is handsome to which she told my son that, "your mom is being weird." I told her I needed to get off the phone. Our conversation really hurt me and I spent all night and today crying about it. I didn't say anything and won't say a word to my son about it because I don't want to say anything negative about her to him and cause problems. I don't understand why she and I can't be close. I thought the way she acted before the wedding that we were close but now I don't think she likes me at all and this isn't the first time she has treated me this way. Does anyone have any advice?

[Alty]

It sounds like she's jealous of the relationship you have with your son. I went through the opposite. I was really close with my MIL for the five years that my hubby and I dated. We got together for coffee all the time and really loved spending time together. After we got married she would stop off at our house whenever she wanted and let herself in (she had a key for emergency purposes) without callling first. She would make nasty comments about my housekeeping and cooking, and tell my husband "no one treats you as good as your mother, whenever you've had enough you can come home". Little jabs here and there.

Are you sure this is all her, or have you maybe been a bit jealous too?

Communication is key, I talked to my MIL about my concerns and it got better, but it took a while, and a few fights, before we worked it out. Don't give up, one day they'll have kids, I'm sure you want to be a part of their lives.

Good luck.

[cats23]

I don't think I'm jealous. I have been really excited about the marriage and having a DIL. One time I did say that I was excited about the prospect of one day having grandchildren and she said that she would make sure that I would be the last to know when she does get pregnant. At first I laughed this off but my sister was there and when we left my sister said that my DIL was mean for saying that. The more I thought about it the more upset I became so I called my DIL and tried to talk to her about us being open about our feelings and that I thought what she said was hurtful she said I would be the last person to know because she didn't like the fact that I was pressuring her but that is not what I meant to do. I told her that I would not bring it up again. I just feel that what ever I do it is not enough. I don't ever go over without being invited or asking if it is okay. I have called her lately because her mom was in the hospital. Maybe I call her too much. One minute she was complaining about people asking her about her mother but then she told me she was upset with people who weren't calling to ask her. I keep getting mixed signals. My husband says I should just quit calling her but I don't know if that is the right thing to do or not.

[Alty]

How old is she?

Does she ever say anything hurtful to you in front of your son? If so, how does he react?

I think that you need to sit down with your DIL and ask what's going on. Ask her why she is being so nasty. Communication is important, you need to get to the bottom of this.

Good luck.

[cats23]

She's 24. She doesn't say anything in front of my son unless she laughs about it. When I have tried to talk to her about things that she says she sticks to her opinion. She has told me that when she has an argument with her mom that she is always the one who apologizes because her mom won't apologize to her ever. Her mom just won't talk to her if there is a problem. I am the opposite... I have to talk about it or it just wells up inside of me and I don't like to feel angry. I don't feel as though I can talk to her about my feelings because she can be cold and indifferent. I am really wondering if I should just back off from her any just be civil but I worry that if I act that way it will push away and relationship we could develop and I don't want that to happen. From all that I've read on the sites it seems as though the MIL and DIL relationships are doomed from the start.

[NowWhat]

Your relationship isn't doomed.

I don't know why people act like this - my mother in law is totally different than my mom and she some times leaves me scratching my head - BUT, I would never talk to her that way. I love my MIL and accept her for the way she is.

You may want to back off for a little while. Limit your phone calls, etc. When she calls and asks what is going on - tell her. You don't have to be mean - just tell her how her actions make you feel. And that you are truly confused as to what she wants from you.

You can always invite your son and DIL over for dinner and spend time with them. But the one on one stuff - I would put on the back burner for now.

You have NOTHING to prove here. You do not have to "measure up" to this girl. You are her husband's mother, she deserve respect.

[talaniman]

Maybe your DIL, was having a problem with your son, and you caught the fall out, so back off her a bit, and see if things can change in the future. This may just be something a new wife is going through and may have nothing to do with you at all. Be patient, and don't make this a big deal for now. Just let them initiate the contact, just to be sure your not unknowingly stepping in the middle of something.