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ib1512491136 · Jul 21, 2008, 09:45 AM

My girlfriend of 22 months broke up with me last week. She is going to university in about 5 weeks and says she doesn't trust herself to complete university while she is with me. She says she loves me too much and would miss me too much. She said that If she sent we would argue and split up and end on bad terms. She just wants to know she can do it without leaning on somebody.

Obviously I was gutted and feel very down but I backed her decision. I said Ill miss you lots but ill support you. She said that her heart will will be mine and there is always a chance. The thing is she has just come back from a holiday with her friends, I know they have probably helped her make this decision but I'm just hoping that if I leave her alone she will come round and realise what she is missing. She says she wants to marry me one day and have children and I do to. Can we really move on for three years and hope to rekindle our life together.

We had an amazing relationship no arguments and she feels the same. I just think she needs time on her own and maybe miss what we had. Any advice really to stop me from ringing her and texting her constantly?

She just texted me this morning saying I love you and will love you forever! Is this a serious case of just let her get on with it and she should come back?

Thanks for all your help and for reading this

xaiegen · Jul 21, 2008, 09:57 AM

I want to point out how selfish your now-ex is to be sending you mixed signals. She wants to gain new experiences (like you stated), but have something to fall back on. For now, I would keep things as acquaintances and do not let her run back to you, because then she really won't be focused on school and she'll despise herself for being weak and start despising you too when her gpa drops or she can't attend meetings for her major cause she has dates with you. Until 3 years have passed, try keeping communication to a minimum. Oh and one more thing, what I'm hearing LOUDEST is how undisciplined she is in her organizational skills since she can't balance school and a relationship. There are adults out there attending school pregnant or have families or double jobs or dying from kidney failure and they still make school. Truly this has nothing to do with you :D I know exactly where she's coming from because I feel I'm in her shoes myself and I've had to extend my graduation 2 years longer than intended since I put my mind, my time, and my money into my boyfriend (of 5 years) instead of school.

ib1512491136 · Jul 21, 2008, 10:32 AM

Thank you for your quick response. I do agree with you, she is being selfish but she is 4 years younger than me.

I'm just really scared that she's telling me the truth that she does love me and want to be with me in the future. But I think that's just me worrying. She says we are too good together.

The thing is I do believe this will work and I just want her to realise it. I know she will miss me but what is the best way for her to miss me and what we had? We still have all summer before she goes to university. Do I apply the NC with her?

I know she needs to have fun and get a lot out of her system and realise that maybe she does need me. I won't let her come running back but the fact is, this girl has been honest with me and I love her, so eventually do want her back be 1 month or three years.

Shall I just not contact her and just be there as a friend if she needs me or texts me, will this make her think she could lose me?

Thanks

supergirl2008 · Jul 21, 2008, 01:47 PM

To be honest, I have gone through a very similar situation, where the boyfriend couldn't be with me, because he was so occupied with her career (professional athlete), the only thing you can do is let her go, let her realize how much she misses you. It will kill you, but you really do not deserve to be treated this way, She doesn't know what the heck she wants, so let her be and kill her with kindess, don't get upset, just go off and have fun meet other people. You deserve that.

ib1512491136 · Jul 21, 2008, 03:45 PM

Thank you. That's what I'm going to do! I have gone the first day with no contact now. All or friends who know how good we are keep saying it's only a matter of time. I'll just be there if she needs a friend, I'm not going to not write back to her texts, I will just be there for her as a friend.

I think this is the only way to find out what she really wants. If she does need to taste the water, that's fair enough she's never had the chance. I do want her back one day but she's not going to get in control and walk all over me.

It may just be me, and everyone else feels the same in my position but I really feel that no contact will really test her to see if she really needs me as her boyfriend.

I have to point out that she has always said she is being selfish but she needs to do this, she doesn't want to split up 6 motnhs into university on bad terms.

xaiegen · Jul 21, 2008, 04:37 PM

Well it seems you have your answer and I agree with post #4! You go dip your toe in the water too!

JBeaucaire · Jul 21, 2008, 06:11 PM

Any person who can be "talked into" breaking up with you, by a friend, another guy or even herself, she should be let go. Her ability to "second string" you won't go away.

talaniman · Jul 21, 2008, 09:00 PM

Is this a serious case of just let her get on with it and she should come back?

Letting her go, and moving on with your own life is the way to go, as far as her coming back, I doubt it. Ithink she has her mind made up, and is trying in her own way to ease the blow.

She is 4 years younger so I assume your around 22, so there is a whole world for you to explore. No one knows what happens in the future, so good luck.

ib1512491136 · Jul 22, 2008, 03:28 AM

I will let her go, but I know it's only a matter of time. This girl has had a lot of troubles over the years with her family. Here are a few of her last texts to me.

The last 22 months have been so amazing, theres nothing to cry about because wev got somthing so special that no 2 other people will ever experience :-) xx

just remember I love you and always will xx

i promise my heart is always yours xx

thank you for the last 22 months but im so hopefull for our future, you can achieve great things and so can i the world doesnt want us together right now and thats fine because were going to achieve things, learn who we are and build a future that we will eventually spend together x

I want this girl back and I know the only way to get her back is to make her realise that I have gone, she will hopefully get lonely and miss our amazing relatiosnhip

bigbird213 · Jul 22, 2008, 04:46 AM

Reading what she has sent to you is making me angry and I don't even know her.

She is incredible immature to be sending you things like that and not expecting it to affect you. At this point, or sometime soon, I think you will realize how she is treating you and how she isn't ready for a relationship like the one she had.

Do yourself a favor and do use NC. She needs to understand that you are gone. You are letting her have the best of both worlds - you can't sit around and wait for her decision. I get the impression from your posts that you have a lot of hope and are waiting to see if she will come back. Hope is a very dangerous thing.

Get busy, be unavailable and try to move on. Whether she comes back or not, moving on will help you out.

ib1512491136 · Jul 22, 2008, 06:22 AM

I think your last post was amazing!

I went round to pick my stuff up this morning and I got very upset. Silly really. She told me she is not going to promise anything anymore and we need total closure. She said that she has realised the things she has said are not making me deal with it and says she doesn't know what will happen in the future.

I left and told her to achieve and I would support her through it. Feel abit down now today because I shouldn't have got upset, I was quite happy to get on with my life and see what happens in the future, now she won't even tell me she does still want us.

I think I will have to apply a strict NC. And as you said be busy and unavailable, I'm probably just pushing this girl away if I carry on ringing her. The best way to make her miss me is to go missing so she doesn't have me around waiting for the next phone call.

She's become very hard now. She says she's not interested in anybody else she just knows that we need to be apart now.

bigbird213 · Jul 22, 2008, 09:12 AM

Originally Posted by ib1512491136

I left and told her to achieve and I would support her through it. Feel abit down now today because i shoudlnt have got upset, I was quite happy to get on with my life and see what happens in the future, now she wont even tell me she does still want us.

I think its great that are you being civil, understanding, and nice about it, but you need to be careful to put yourself first. It is your turn to take care of yourself first, and worry about others second. Like many people here, this may be hard for you, but if you spend your time worrying about how she feels and if you are hurting her feelings, you will end up burned in the end.

You don't need to tell her you will support her through it, she is choosing to continue without you, and you need to make her realize her decision. Don't keep telling her that you will be there for her and tat you will be her friend and help her if she has problems - that's the opposite of being unavailable. I think total NC is the right choice.

Originally Posted by ib1512491136

Shes become very hard now. She says shes not interested in anybody else she just knows that we need to be apart now.

Just don't get caught up looking for crumbs about her life. Stay away from anything that might lead you to hear things about her. No Facebook, text messages, instant messaging or myspace. Its unimagineable the amount of heartache caused to so many people by these things. Myself included.

ib1512491136 · Jul 23, 2008, 06:00 AM

Well I went to my local last night and I was with friends. She walked in and I didn't see her for about 5 minutes I looked up and she was there at the bar about 10 metres away. She smiled nervously and I think I smiled back, Im pretty sure I did. She went and sat with a few of her friends. I left with my friends, two of them girls that she doesn't know and smiled and walk past and waved, she smiled back. She looked down and in the corner of my eye she was talking and looking over very strangley.

I didn't text her or Facebook her Ive carried on the NC. She texted me this morning saying did you go to work today. ( I took 2 days holiday). I haven't wrote back I just want her to know I have gone and that I'm not available to her anymore. Its hard very hard. But I think it is the best thing.

My friend came around today and said she looked miserable and slumped after you left. Maybe she was waiting for me to come and talk? Make a fool of myself and break down into a wreck. She's going to a music festival this weekend, my plan is to continue NC let her have a good time and really hope that something hits her while she's away.

Don't get me wrong, I really want to have a good time myself but something deep down tells me that she's going to be hurting soon.

bigbird213 · Jul 23, 2008, 06:09 AM

Try not to over concern yourself with how she feels. How she reacts to your actions should have no bearing on how your actions continue...

Good job on the NC though, keep it up!

Romefalls19 · Jul 23, 2008, 06:19 AM

Keep going No Contact, but don't do it for the wrong reasons. There is a chance she may never come back, don't hold out for her. Use this time to continue going out with your friends and heal. Don't worry about what she is doing, who she is with or what she thinks of what you are up to.

ib1512491136 · Jul 23, 2008, 06:22 AM

Thanks Romefalls19! Its so bloody hard!

I know if I ring or text she's just going to be in control and won't miss me. So ill continue NC.

Has anyone ever used NC and got there loved back?

Ill use NC to get her out my mind. I do worry about her though because I love her and know she loves me. I think she just needs to realise that that's why I'm so head messed!

ib1512491136 · Jul 23, 2008, 06:23 AM

Cheers Big Bird, didn't see your post! There's a very good song by a band called Maximo Park called going missing. That sort of inspires me not to contact her!

ib1512491136 · Jul 23, 2008, 06:26 AM

I'm going missing for a while,
I've got nothing left to lose,
Oooh I'll listen to anything,
I've got nothing in defence,
I've got nothing left to lose,
Oooh I'll listen to anything

ib1512491136 · Jul 30, 2008, 10:15 AM

Just a little update! My ex deleted me on Facebook, so when I asked why she said that she can't deal with me moving on. She thought I had a date and said are you going on a date! I did not say yes or no, I said its unimportant and I just want to be friends and for us to be happy.

She then said that this isn't about other people and I'm moving on too fast for me to of loved her. I said I've been upset the last two weeks and I'm not moving on I'm just enjoying some me time. She was really annoyed. She said she doent want to see me talking to anybody so has deleted me.

I said I just want to be happy for each other and be really good friends. She said OK and then we said goodbye.

I really wanted to tell her I love her and want her back but I just thought for myself I need to be strong or I'm back at square one.

She has now gone back on holiday with her family for a month. I have kept the NC and so has she. She did however say she was going to email me.

Does she want her cake thinking ill still be there? Im not looking for anyone else but I'm not looking if that makes sense. I miss hee terribly but I'm becoming stronger everyday now.

I just feel like I have an upper hand at the moment. She knows I just want to be friends now and also she knows that I could be going out and meeting other people. Could this force her to reconsider sooner rather than later?

One thing I think whenever I'm down now.

Ive let someone I love go, if she comes back she comes back and ill deal with it when it happens. If she doesn't things wer never mean to be and I can just think of a great 2 years we had toegether.

So

1. Am I in a good position?
2. Will this be getting to her?
3. Does she still want to be friends?

Romefalls19 · Jul 30, 2008, 10:20 AM

1. Yes, because you are starting to heal
2. Who cares? Move on with your life, if she comes back great if not you're better off
3. Maybe not right now, but who cares