[losingit77]

Awww, Tal! That actually made me cry a little bit! Ur tough love helps a lot and I hope everyone appreciates it. I know I do.

Now, 3 months post breakup, its unbelievable how good things are! I'm actually happy! Its so nice to have your OWN life back! I feel like a whole person again and if you asked me 2 months ago if I could ever imagine myself happy and whole again I would've thought you were all crazy. (And I probably did think you were all crazy when you were telling me that). But's it true! We're all much more resilient then we sometimes give ourselves credit for.

[gg23]

OK guys... wow... I ve been gone for a couple weeks now... it's going to be 3months soon... I would say that I ve been doing OK... although I had contact with my ex about 2 weeks ago.. she wrote me a message and then we talked on the phone... that was it... I m doing better... not totally healed yet, but I'm on my way... I met up with this and we ve been kicking it... so that helped a lot... :)... well also her support and companionship... but I think she want more from me... I told her that I'm not ready to give her what she wants yet but she cool... she just want to have fun... resiliency my friends... to all of you who are here and just got shown the door... IT GETS BETTER... no contact will make you better, you will move on, you will become somewhat indifferent... and maybe who knows things will come full circle and they would be the one chasing... hey tal how are you? I miss your advices... ;)... haha... keep your head up... have fun with friends... be grateful for what you have... resiliency... resist all urges...

[f104]

Hi guys I am so glad you are all here. REading what you are all going through gives me so much hope. Thanks all.

[kaneda]

Another day of NC. Yesterday I broke down,cried for a good hour and a half, pour my hearts contents on a friend and managaed not to break NC. But I sent two emails... which he will never see, because he never uses that email account. I was even surprised they didn't get returned back to me. The emails were short, I just wished him luck on his exams. So I guess I'm in the clear.

[Boristheblade]

Another day of NC. Yesterday i broke down,cried for a good hour and a half, pour my hearts contents on a friend and managaed not to break NC. But i sent two emails ... which he will never see, because he never uses that email account. I was even surprised they didint get returned back to me. The emails were short, i just wished him luck on his exams. So i guess i'm in the clear.

I've done that, sent things I know he won't get, I feel slightly better. Hang in there!

On the plus side I feel fine today. I heard of him seeing someone else and I didn't really mind, of course I still love him but it far from devastated me. Which is weird :confused: yesterday I was tragic and now I'm thinking of him with someone else and it's not breaking my heart. ODD. I'm more jealous of him seeing his ex but that's because of their closeness and friendship. That's what I miss-our closeness and friendship. I'm going to leave it for a while and then reconcile, because we have no reason for drama if we're just good friends... and I can honestly say that's all I'm looking for. :)

[pwtnu4]

My girlfriend broke up with me about 2.5 weeks ago, I hadn't talked to her in 12 days but on Monday I IMed her, it was tough seeing her online all the time and I wanted to know how she was doing... also I was kind of thinking she was half-wanting me to IM her, we talked for a little bit but it kind of became one-sided and I could tell she really didn't want to talk... so guess what I'm in for the long haul! I'm doing no contact, I'm not going to have another conversation with her if she doesn't want to really talk and I just need to get over her without any hopes that we'll get back together which I have been having and she even gave me those hopes saying when we broke up that maybe sometime we might get back together... but I'm not going to live my life with hopes like these, I need to move on... I'm on day 2, good luck everyone and keep pulling through!

[talaniman]

she even gave me those hopes saying when we broke up that maybe sometime we might get back together.

That day rarely comes, and is so much crapola.

[bigbird213]

Kaneda - Good job not calling him or breaking NC. You might want to be careful with that email address though. Just beucase he doesn't check it often, doesn't mean he won't check it at all. If you want to send these messages you write, post them up here, or send them to yourself. Or better yet, write them in a real letter, then burn it. Anything but risk him getting ahold of it.

Boris - Its normal to miss the friendship and closeness that you had. It happens to everyone. Just beucase you and him were great friends doesn't mean that you can't have these same feelings for someone else down the road. I loved the friendship I had with my ex, and it took me months to realize that if it was someone I was not otherwise involved with, I probably would not become friends with her. You need to stop and see the person for who they are, and understand what benefit being their friend brings you. If you can't then maybe it isn't worth it at all. In any case - friendship is normally a LONG ways off from a breakup, if it ever comes at all...

pwtnu - I have to agree with Tal on this one. Friendship and false hopes are a killer. Do the smart thing and ignore any inklings she may drop - they mean nothing. The way I see it, you have two options... Prolong the hurt by believe in hope, which may turn out to be false. Then you end up with nothing but weeks and months of heartache. The other option is live like it is over, acknowledge that there isn't a chance, and see what happens in the future. Then you are a healthier, happier person, and whether she wants to get back together or not, you are perfectly capable of continuing a happy life.

Sounds like a no-brainer to me :)

[chuff]

Talaniman Rant, The method to the madness.

Those early relationships with the inexperience, curiosity, and fears are all about doubting yourself, and that leads to indecision,, or not taking necessary actions, for yourself. In other words kissing butt in the name of love. Thats why we feel so bad, when we get rejected, after all that butt kissing, and putting ourselves SECOND, we get rejected.

You could not be more dead on. I've never been as upset about a break up as I was about what I invested in compared to what I got out of it at... especially at the end when you try to throw everything at the wall to see what sticks, which at that point is nothing. Kissing butt in name of love is so true, and unlike kissing butt at work or with friends or anywhere else, kissing butt for love is the ultimate sign of desperation which only scares off anybody else.

Many of you are growing right before my eyes, and I do take a sort of pride as I see you find yourselves, get stronger, and learn to put yourself first.

This is the honest to God's truth. Durning my recent break up I was clouded by emotions and couldn't think straight so instead of thinking what I would do in a situation around my ex I would think, "What would Tal tell me to do here in this situation?" and I'd try my best to act accordingly.

I'm not here to write one of those "my childhood sucked so my adult life must as well" things, but I didn't have a great set of parents or an older brother and being a emotional guy I've ALLOWED myself to get sucked into some pretty bad relationship issues over the years. I can say that since I started posting here about 3 years ago Tal, you set the bar as to where you can take a relationship, what not to take in a relationship, and where you can take yourself if you look at the bigger picture.

Tal, you talk about people growing and the truth of the matter is I don't think people give you the credit you deserve or recognize the power of the simple truths you hold in sometimes just a one or two sentence answer. I can say with great confidence that if I hadn't been screwed over by the original girl that brought me to this site to begin with, and come across you postings and knowledge I'd never have changed, because I was doing the same things year after year despite getting no different results.

You talk about watching people grow, and I have to say I'm a prime example, I went to the school of Talaniman and I came out a completely different person. Not perfect, but certainly not the same person that stood by and let himself get sucked in as I had before. I guess what I'm saying is sometimges we don't realize the influence we have on people, but I think your influence can be felt all around the world through this site, even if you don't get the admission from the posters here for it.

Its never about what you find yourself caught up in, but what you do about it.

Amen. Everybody has problems, few find solutions.

[lola nyc]

Hey all..

So just thought Id share my situation. Im was with my BF for 6 yrs 4 of which were long distance.. he's in CA I'm in NY.

He decided that he wanted to take a break.. he needed to figure his life out, what he wanted to do.. he is severely depressed about his family problems their mental issues, his job, etc... and I just added to his stress.

He said that he wanted the clock to stop ticking in his head.. That I make him the center of my world.. I emailed him a lot , texted a lot. Always asking whatcha doing?? Making it look like I had no life I guess...

He said "cant you just do this for me?" it doesn't mean we can't date again after... after what??
OK so the break started may 31st... and I slipped up 2 weeks into it and texted him that I regreted being so emotional when he asked for a break.. I got NO response. Shocking right?

So NOW its been almost 7 weeks NC I don't count that dumb text LOL

Our 6 yr anniversary is next week. Im having a heart attack wondering if he'll call or text or send me a flower... what if he ignores it!?

Then the next test is my birthday the end of aug.. If he doesn't call me for that! UGHH what should I do? Just move on without officially breaking up? It isn't like I have a guy waiting on the side that I need to be with..

[pwtnu4]

Yea I know, the way things ended, she seemed really confused about her decision to break it up and said she doesn't know what she wants right now... I go to study abroad in about a month and ill be gone for about 4 months, we go to the same school and hang out with the same people when we're there so this will be a great time to get over things... she said that she doesn't know if things will change when I get back in January but I'm not going to hold out any hope because I feel as if I won't enjoy myself as much and once I do come back I could go through another heartbreak so I'm just going to try and forget about her for now (easier said than done) and if anything happens when I get back, great and if nothing does, I feel I'll be ready to just be friends

[chuff]

Hey all..

So just thought Id share my situation. Im was with my BF for 6 yrs 4 of which were long distance.. he's in CA im in NY.

He decided that he wanted to take a break.. he needed to figure his life out, what he wanted to do.. he is severly depressed about his family problems their mental issues, his job, ect... and I just added to his stress.

He said that he wanted the clock to stop ticking in his head.. That I make him the center of my world.. I emailed him alot , texted alot. always asking whatcha doin???? making it look like I had no life I guess...

He said "cant you just do this for me?" it doesnt mean we can't date again after... after what???
ok so the break started may 31st... and I slipped up 2 weeks into it and texted him that I regreted being so emotional when he asked for a break.. I got NO response. shocking right?

So NOW its been almost 7 weeks NC I dont count that dumb text LOL

our 6 yr anniversary is next week. Im having a heart attack wondering if he'll call or text or send me a flower... what if he ignores it! ???

Then the next test is my bday the end of aug.. if he doesnt call me for that! UGHH what should I do? Just move on without officially breaking up?? It isnt like I have a guy waiting on the side that I need to be with..

This probably deserves it's own post but the short and sweet of it is, a break is a break up. Long distance or not, he hasn't talked to you in almost 2 months, I think you should start making plans to move forward with out him. I understand putting dates in front of you, but instead of expecting him to call, think about what you can do for yourself on those dates and not about what he's going to do for you.

[ISneezeFunny]

Lola, I'm going to have to agree with chuff. 7 weeks of no contact from him virtually means...

It was a breakup. He's moved on. Have you?

There's a chance that he may have found someone new... (don't kill me for this, but a lot of people will agree with me on this one) and is just letting you off easy.

I hope I'm wrong, and I wish you the best.

[chuff]

There's a chance that he may have found someone new...(don't kill me for this, but a lot of people will agree with me on this one) and is just letting you off easy.

I didn't want to say it, but the truth is in a long distance relationship this is usually the reason for the break up. LDR's are very diffilcult to maintain because as people move to new places they start new chapters in there lives and that usually means leaving behind their old lives and those that were in it. In many respects it is the best way to lose someone, because it wasn't about you or the relationship, it was just the distance so if you can take something positive from the experience try to focus on that.

[lola nyc]

Yea I did make a new post...

I find it hard to believe he would have a new girl.. Id be so pissed if that was the case.. just tell me.. I would have moved on by now.

He is really messed up in the head.. he hates dating.. To start all over again.. ugh I don't know..

I can't move on without closure. No way. I still love him Way too much..

[jammyb]

Lola, the whole closure thing is a falacy, a well known one at that. He could probably tell you he hates you and never wants to see you again, and you'll still want "closure". Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're in what they call the denial stage.

Pwtnu4, just do all the things u've always wanted to do and see your mates. Personally, the 2 months following my breakup in march were DAMN EXPENSIVE, but that didn't matter.

The feelings you have after a breakup will dissipate eventually, guaranteed. Personally I think I'm doing okay in a lot shorter period than I originally thought.

Fairly stupid question for you all: I heard through the grapevine that my ex got on a tough course she was trying to get on. I was thinking of messaging her to congratulate her, just a brief email.

I think I'm kind of okay now, I'm fed up with hating her and want to bury the hatchet. She thinks (and isn't entirely wrong) I'm angry at her so she might be scared to contact me, so I kind of feel the balls in my court. Im with someone new and things are going well, so I don't think its my mind playing tricks. I thought of this a couple of days ago and I still feel like doing it, so its not just an emotional trough. What do you guys think? I think I know the answer...

[talaniman]

jammyb, Lola, the whole closure thing is a falacy, a well known one at that. He could probably tell you he hates you and never wants to see you again, and you'll still want "closure". Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're in what they call the denial stage.
This is very true, I agree, especially about the denial.
Fairly stupid question for you all: I heard through the grapevine that my ex got on a tough course she was trying to get on. I was thinking of messaging her to congratulate her, just a brief email.
Naw, let sleeping dogs lie.
I think I'm kind of okay now, I'm fed up with hating her and want to bury the hatchet. She thinks (and isn't entirely wrong) I'm angry at her so she might be scared to contact me, so I kind of feel the balls in my court. Im with someone new and things are going well, so I don't think its my mind playing tricks. I thought of this a couple of days ago and I still feel like doing it, so its not just an emotional trough. What do you guys think? I think I know the answer... [/quote]
Naw, why open a can of worms when you can let time take care of it for you without any risk?

[talaniman]

lola nyc, Yea I did make a new post...

I find it hard to believe he would have a new girl.. Id be so pissed if that was the case.. just tell me.. I would have moved on by now.
Putting aside the fact your tripping off what he is allegedly is doing your not focused on what you should be doing for yourself. Don't let your feelings cloud the fact that your own needs are the top priority.
He is really messed up in the head.. he hates dating.. To start all over again.. ugh I don't know..
Just let go and stay out of his life and business and work on yours.
I can't move on without closure. No way. I still love him Way too much.
Besides his actions what can give you closure??? Why waste time on something you may never get?

[talaniman]

Thanks, Chuff, that means a lot!

[lola nyc]

No if he told me he hated me WOW.. Id be surprised and tell him to F off... I wouldn't need closure then. At least he is saying I don't have feelings for you. Or I have a new GF.. or some reason... for a final end. Im not in denial. Denial of what? He told me to give him so time to figure things out...

If he moved on and planned on never speaking to me again I would think he lost his damn mind.