[JudyKayTee]

I don't like or appologize for controlling behavious from either side. I see it as a sign of emotional immaturity to feel the need to control others.

Now if its your kids...then thats fine as long as they are living on your dime and under your roof.

But a spouse or partner? Nope. If you can't trust them or deal with minor things you may not like then grow up or move on. They have to deal with your idiosyncracies as well. Everyone has them.

You consider lying to be an idiosyncrasy?

[smoothy]

You consider lying to be an idiosyncracy?

Lying is nothing compared to her controlling behaviour. Its not her right to attempt to control another adult. She needs to get of her private ego driven pedistal and consider her husband her partner and not subserviant to her. And its never just one thing someone is controlling about. If we had HIS input I'm sure there would be many others as well.

Controlling another adult is a form of abuse. If it was a man controlling his wife in some manner how would that be different?

[confusedbyitall]

There are a few things here.

I believe you are great looking. It sounds like sex is good. You are open, which is a part of it being good. He said he wouldn't, but... He is probably hiding something, like as in, they are pictures of his friend's secretary or something more personal that maybe if you knew he'd feel that you'd be threatened by... Even if you shouldn't be.

Maybe, if you really want everything he does sexually to be all with and about you, even masturbation and pictures, you need to spend some time showing him you want and are eager to hear his innermost, most naughty nasty secrets that turn him on... And share that with him, too, and help him enjoy looking at those as he sits back and relaxes...

Otherwise, there is always that taboo element in some relationships that is, wow, I heard about something or saw something that, while I find it arousing, and would probably never, or even have the chance, to try, I also am afraid, a little or a lot, to tell her about it. Maybe I will... Even that is an erotic thing. Those pictures might be associated with a story he heard and he might work up to having the guts to talk with you about in bed, and in that way, he will have shared...

You never know.

Also, it is just two pictures. Guys like girls. Fact of life. Things are good with you two, you love him, don't worry, just encourage and love.

[JudyKayTee]

Lying is nothing compared to her controlling behaviour. Its not her right to attempt to control another adult. She needs to get of her private ego driven pedistal and consider her husband her partner and not subserviant to her. And its never just one thing someone is controlling about. If we had HIS input I'm sure there would be many others as well.

Controlling another adult is a form of abuse. If it was a man controlling his wife in some manner how would that be different?

My question wasn't about her behavior - I've already addressed that. Yes, she's controlling. I even quoted her.

So she controls and he lies - I was addressing whether lying is an idiosyncrasy or character fault.

The fact that one controls - in my opinion - does not give the other partner the license to lie. That's the old "the Devil made me do it" defense. That's like one partner has an affair and so the other partner has an affair to get even. Two wrongs.

She's controlling - what else does her "controlling" give him the right to do?

[smoothy]

My question wasn't about her behavior - I've already addressed that. Yes, she's controlling. I even quoted her.

So she controls and he lies - I was addressing whether lying is an idiosyncracy or character fault.

The fact that one controls - in my opinion - does not give the other partner the license to lie. That's the old "the Devil made me do it" defense. That's like one partner has an affair and so the other partner has an affair to get even. Two wrongs.

She's controlling - what else does her "controlling" give him the right to do?

Its not a lie when an adult does as they wish, particularly in the face of controlling behaviour.

No adult is obligated to bow down and worship the demands of a controlling partner.

He stays home... he is not committing infidelity.. he brings home a paycheck, and isn't a drunk or drug addict.

She needs to get over this because she really has it pretty good.

[JudyKayTee]

Its not a lie when an adult does as they wish, particularly in the face of controlling behaviour.

No adult is obligated to bow down and worship the demands of a controlling partner.

He stays home...he is not committing infidelity..he brings home a paycheck, and isn't a drunk or drug addict.

She needs to get over this because she really has it pretty good.

Well, we're never going to agree here, I guess. I don't think she has it "pretty good" if she can't trust her husband not to lie to her.

I think when you make a promise to your partner and break it, then you're lying to your partner. Presumably she didn't pull a gun on him and force him to promise not to look at porno without her so there goes that defense.

I don't think bowing down and worshipping her demands enters into this - he promised.

Well, it could be worse - he could have promised her not to have sex with other women and then broken that promise.

Do I think this whole situation is a mountain made of a molehill? Sure. Did I make promises to my husband that I could or would not keep? No. Do I keep promises I make to other people? Yes. Would I break them because I felt they were controlling me? No. I'd keep them because I promised.

Once you lose your personal integrity what else is left?

[smoothy]

Well, we're never going to agree here, I guess. I don't think she has it "pretty good" if she can't trust her husband not to lie to her.

I think when you make a promise to your partner and break it, then you're lying to your partner. Presumably she didn't pull a gun on him and force him to promise not to look at porno without her so there goes that defense.

I don't think bowing down and worshipping her demands enters into this - he promised.

Well, it could be worse - he could have promised her not to have sex with other women and then broken that promise.

Do I think this whole situation is a mountain made out of a molehill? Sure. Did I make promises to my husband that I could or would not keep? No. Do I keep promises I make to other people? Yes. Would I break them because I felt they were controlling me? No. I'd keep them because I promised.

Once you lose your personal integrity what else is left?

No we will have to agree to disagree.


She isn't the queen and he isn't her subject. This situation IS her making a mountain out of a molehill. He is within his right as an adult to have some porn or whatever stashed away (its not like its 2 or 3 footlockers full). She is not in her rights to demand he bow to her every whim. If she believes that he has to then her marriage is on real shakey ground from her own actions. I for one would not tolerate that from my wife. And I have zero doubt she has been 100% truthful with him about everything she does and says to others. Nobody that is that paranoid is doing exactly what they demand of others. And that has held true in every case I have personally known in my 47 years on the planet so far.


He isn't out drinking with the boys, he isn't abusing anyone, he isn't into drugs, and he doesn't neglect his family. If all she can find wrong with him is a few porn magazines and it rises to this level then she needs counceling. That degree of pettiness just isn't normal.

Hell I can find more wrong with my wife than that and I'm not bellyaching about it. I'm sure my wife can find more than that wrong with me. But we both know we are human and are damn happy the other doesn't have the issues so many other people have.

[JudyKayTee]

No we will have to agree to disagree.


She isn't the queen and he isn't her subject. This situation IS her making a mountain out of a molehill. He is within his right as an adult to have some porn or whatever stashed away (its not like its 2 or 3 footlockers full). She is not in her rights to demand he bow to her every whim. If she believes that he has to then her marriage is on real shakey ground from her own actions. I for one would not tolerate that from my wife. And I have zero doubt she has been 100% truthful with him about everything she does and says to others. Nobody that is that paranoid is doing exactly what they demand of others. And that has held true in every case I have personally known in my 47 years on the planet so far.


He isn't out drinking with the boys, he isn't abusing anyone, he isn't into drugs, and he doesn't neglect his family. If all she can find wrong with him is a few porn magazines and it rises to this level then she needs counceling. That degree of pettiness just isn't normal.

Hell I can find more wrong with my wife than that and I'm not bellyaching about it. I'm sure my wife can find more than that wrong with me. But we both know we are human and are damn happy the other doesn't have the issues so many other people have.

And so we agree to disagree - and I do understand what you are saying. We are just on opposite ends of the discussion.

And as my husband once said to me, "You're perfect. I love you just the way you are. Just try not to get any worse - " :D

[bunnybear]

Hello.
I've been reading your story,and I understand where you are coming from.the thought of my partner veiwing porn without me makes me so upset... it almost torments me that he is finding another woman more attractive than me and getting off over them.
Sometimes I don't say anything,or I get very upset at him.
The fact that he made a pact with you has broken your trust with porn.
You are lucky to still have such an active sex life... be thankful for that,a lot of relasionships
Loose sex after so long together.

[smoothy]

hello.
ive been reading your story,and i understand where you are coming from.the thought of my partner veiwing porn without me makes me so upset...it almost torments me that he is finding another woman more attractive than me and getting off over them.
sometimes i dont say anything,or i get very upset at him.
the fact that he made a pact with you has broken your trust with porn.
you are lucky to still have such an active sex life....be thankful for that,alot of relasionships
loose sex after so long together.

THere will always be a woman more beautiful or a man more handsome. Sounds like its an issue of self esteme to me because most women know and accept these facts. Fact is he chose to stay with you.

[bunnybear]

THere will always be a woman more beautiful or a man more handsome. Sounds like its an issue of self esteme to me because most women know and accept these facts. Fact is he chose to stay with you.

I realise there is always someone better looking... thats not my problem.but for men to secretly get off over porn I think is wrong,I'm entitled to my opionion.
There are a lot of woman that DO ACCEPT this,doesn't mean they like it! I have not met one woman who 100% OK with there partners getting off over porn.

[Synnen]

/raises her hand

Now you have.

I'm a woman, and I don't have a problem with my husband getting off over porn.

[bunnybear]

/raises her hand

Now you have.

I'm a woman, and I don't have a problem with my husband getting off over porn.

Does he secretly hide it all from you though?
I know men love porn,I just have a problem when its all secret and they lie to you about it.
You must have a lot of confidence in yourself to be comfortable with it.

[JudyKayTee]

/raises her hand

Now you have.

I'm a woman, and I don't have a problem with my husband getting off over porn.

This is me standing next to you - I'm not threatened or upset by porn. As I posted some time ago I would be VERY upset if my husband promised no porn and I caught him but that's another issue and asking him to make that promise never occurred to me. Fantasies are fantasies, no threat.

I also - and it's another thread - have no problem with my husband going to see female strippers. Absolutely no problem. I lived in Baltimore and the strip was full of strip clubs - my roommate is the niece of a very famous stripper. We knew her, we knew the "girls." It's a business - purely and simply it's a business for them and how they pay their rent. They have absolutely no interest in anyone else's man - or at least I never met anyone who did.

If my husband is going to cheat, he's going to cheat - he doesn't need porn or strippers to give him an excuse.

So - nope. I guess I'm in the minority but I have no problem.

[JudyKayTee]

does he secretly hide it all from you though??
i know men love porn,i just have a problem when its all secret and they lie to you about it.
you must have alot of confidence in yourself to be comfortable with it.

First - men are not the only ones who enjoy porn.

Second - it has nothing to do with me having confidence in me; it has EVERYTHING to do with me having confidence in my husband.

And I'm not easily threatened.

[Synnen]

I just know that it's a picture, nothing more.

I wouldn't ask him to give up porn any more than I'd expect him to ask me to give up romance novels or chick flicks--which, you have to admit, give as an unrealistic view on romance as porn gives an unrealistic view on sex.

Does he hide it from me? Nope. But that's because he knows I've watched it, and think it's humorous and just don't care.

If he LIED to me about it, that would be a different issue. Lying would then be the problem, not porn.

[JudyKayTee]

[QUOTE=Comments on this post
Altenweg agrees: Count me in with that minority, I feel the same way.[/QUOTE]



Let's see here - you are in a leather catsuit, wearing a mask and carrying a whip -

What possible need would your husband have to watch porno?

I would suggest that the neighbors are watching you INSTEAD of porno -

[kp2171]

I would suggest that the neighbors are watching you INSTEAD of porno -

another fantastic line from JKT... I'm going to have to add one to my sig if she keeps this up...

by the way... wheres the line to buy tickets to watch alty crack that whip? I've got a 10 megapixel dslr nikkon with a killer zoom lens (with vibration reduction) I'm dying to use. =) if her hubby approves of course.

[JudyKayTee]

another fantastic line from JKT... im going to have to add one to my sig if she keeps this up...

btw... wheres the line to buy tickets to watch alty crack that whip? ive got a 10 megapixel dslr nikkon with a killer zoom lens (with vibration reduction) im dying to use. =) if her hubby approves of course.

Here, stand next to me in the bushes under her window - I'll move over and make room. Don't get in the way of my camera, though.

[Synnen]

Will you kids behave?

Back on topic, please.