[Garrison]

Hi,
If the subject is still open, I would like to share something myself and would like to hear from others who have been hurt by the phenomena of "sexting". I don't care if you’re straight or gay, male or female. If you've been cheated on like this I would like to hear because it hurts for all victims. Im a straight male. My wife and I are in our mid-thirties. We have a 5 year old daughter. My wife is an alcoholic and we have been fighting over this for months now. At the end of June I found out that she had been sexting an 18 year old boy for months with a new cell phone she purchased (with a camera, of course). Even while sitting right next to me sometimes. I thought she was just texting girlfriends. I'm an idiot. I’m also deeply worried that she has seen the kid in real life since he was only 2 hours away. She swears it never happened in real life, but from the posts I've read, that's what they all say. I don’t know how much is really my wife and how much is due to heavy drinking and I can’t find out right now because she is in inpatient treatment for the first time for it. I’m grateful for that, but my God, I’m totally ed up by this. I’m hurting bad and the counselor I’m seeing is way behind the technology to understand how easy and rapidly these relationships develop and how intense they can get. The things my wife said and showed this guy. I threw up in the parking lot when I finally sneaked her phone away from her. I’m not a creep like that usually. I’ve always respected my wife’s privacy, but come on... she started sleeping with the phone. I knew something was up then. Jesus, I didn't even know what he hell sexting was until 14 days ago. I’m all torn up.
Help.

[inthebox]

Garrison,

I think you have every right to be worried, tore up, concerned. Sorry.
I'm an old fashioned guy, but sex is a private thing between a husband and a wife.
Erotic talk with , and exchanging explicit pictures with someone other than your spouse is [ a form of] cheating straight and simple, flat out wrong.

Forget her privacy. She is giving her privacy to someone else. If you are paying for the cell phone I'd take it away.

Does she admit to this being wrong?

Is she remorseful?

Stop making excuses for her, she chooses to drink or not , she chooses to sext or not. Adults take personal responsibility.

Most people [ at least I hope most ] don't wakes up one morning and say "this is the day I'm going to cheat. It starts out with interest, then "innocent" flirting then...

Don't get revenge or get even, stay above it. Love your child, surround yourself with supportive friends and families. There is no easy answer... sorry. :( :confused:

[Garrison]

Hi,
I appreciate your words of support. And I agree with you 100%: even if nothing ever happened in real life, it was cheating. She cheated. For months. The second she responded back to this guy’s flirting, it was cheating. It started in a game called World of Warcraft. It’s an online game where you create a character in this big ingame world with other people and go around on quests and things like that. Real geeky stuff, I know, but what can I say. We’re geeks. The flirting stuff happens a lot in the game. I never paid it any mind. I just play games for the fun of the game. I’d make a joke out of it often by responding “ Hey, I’m an overweight 36 yo married guy” and that would usually end it for me, lol. My wife was apparently more open to the flirtation, which is private and no one else can see what's being whispered back and forth. You know, I’ll probably catch a lot of flak for saying this, but I think I could have gotten over this easier if my wife had just gone out drinking one night and picked up some stranger in a bar and had a one night stand. Sounds like I’m nuts, I know, because some people don’t think that sexting is such a big deal. But long before it turns into sexual stuff, other things are shared. My wife shared all kinds of stuff with this guy. Her hopes and fears. Her frustrations. Mundane details of her day to day life. The kind of stuff that people share in a close relationship. That’s what hurts the most, actually: she stopped talking to me and started sharing the “boring” stuff of life with him. And he was sharing his boring- life back. That’s the kind of stuff that causes people to develop deep emotional attachments. When I confronted her, the first thing she wanted to do was call him to say goodbye and get closure. Oh my God, or OMG, as they say online. Was I pissed off about that!! Closure? She wanted to get closure with the guy she was cheating on me with? Like he was a dear old friend or loved one? Somebody call a psychiatrist! For me and her. I’m just rambling now, and need to get some sleep, but I want to send out a warning to all of the men and women out there listening: this stuff is so easy. I mean easy. There's no trying to figure out your significant other’s schedule and sneaking away to the Bambi Inn to have a fling. They can be doing it sitting right beside you now. Seriously, if you see your significant other just texting away all the time instead of talking on the phone in front of you, it’s time for a honesty check. I got to get some sleep. Peace.

[confusedbyitall]

I would say, don't throw away love. She has issues. She's dealing with the real one right now. See how it is after she's had treatment. If she has stayed with you, and shows you love, genuinely, work through it. Cheating is "wrong" in our society. I agree that it does totally suck. With that being said, if she is with you, and loves you, and stays with you, and doesn't embarrass you with her carryings on, let her know it's not acceptable for her to carry on like that. It might be just telling her that will show her well enough that you care for her. It might partially be that she's acting out by engaging in that behavior. A part of the behavior, though, it seems, is normal. I mean, everyone wants to feel flattered, lusted after even. It's good for your ego. Once she's done with treatment, address that chapter in your life together. If, in the future, she flirts with a guy here or there while you're out, don't let it get you down, and use it to your advantage. That is, she will have gotten her boost or thrill out of that and not a bottle. You have to be assertive, too, and keep her in line. If she won't cut it out, and you can't live with her that way, then by all means, run far and run fast.