[GoldenGate]

So I am in a situation that seems very strange and counterintuitive to me (though probably not to many of you). My girlfriend has told me she wants a break - she feels trapped, etc. (in what sense? It changes every time I ask, so I'm guessing she's either just confused as hell or is hiding something).

Quick background - We've dated for 4 and a half years, most of it long distance during college, we hardly ever fight, I feel like we have a healthy amount of communication, everybody says we are great together, etc. We definitely both love each other, and have discussed marriage before (but not super seriously and not recently). Really out of the blue.

Okay, so none of this is all that uncommon (based on answers to other questions like this one I have read). But the thing is, my girlfriend doesn't seem to want to start having this break until after the summer is over, in a couple of months, during which time she seems perfectly content to hang out all the time, work in the same office as me, etc. Since she has told me all of this a couple of weeks ago, and since I reluctantly agreed, we have continued to have great sex, I haven't felt like we have been growing apart emotionally at all, we laugh together, do fun things, and everything.

I've stumbled a bit and mentioned this issue a couple of times in passing, and that was awkward, but most of the time, it's been exactly like it always has been.

What's the deal? Could she be doing this just to lead me on and have some security over the summer until she can go spread her wings at school? That seems way too cold and calculating for her. But why else? If she's sick of me or I'm smothering her, why wouldn't she want a break NOW? I don't really understand the motivation here for a temporary delay.


And would I better off forcing the break to start now? That's what I've been considering. Best case scenario, I trap her here in her hometown away from the cute college boys, cut off all contact, and she ends up missing me terribly, unable to be distracted by a bunch of other people, and asks for me back soon. Worst case scenario, I've called her bluff, and she dumps me now, and I save myself from wasting the next 6 months waiting around being unsure.

Or would that almost certainly be a mistake? I really don't know. No experience here. I appreciate any input.

[hiwiseguy]

It seems as though you are comfortable enough for her to hang with now. It sounds like being with you now beats being alone now. But later, she knows she won't be lonely (at school).

There's an old 70's song.. . "Love the one you're with." It sounds like she will be taking that literally -- now, and while away at school.

Give her space. Begin looking for someone to replace her. You may actually find someone.

I can tell you this much for sure: anyone who tells you that 'being with you in a relationship makes them feel trapped,' does not have the same level of "feelings" for you that you have for them.

Give her her space (perhaps at the edge of a cliff, lots of space there), but do not make direct eye contact. Slowly back away. When you've gained some distance, run like hell.

Trust me.

[JBeaucaire]

She feels trapped because of the way you pursue the relationship. I'm sure it's more subtle than you realize. And you can see what I'm talking about in your "best case" scenario above. Reread that. Sound a little controlling?

I'm sure you're being a great boyfriend, but perhaps don't have enough other things going on to keep from aiming ALL your attentions at her. There are girls out there that THRIVE on being the center of a man's universe, but it's still not the best healthy relationship.

So, I'd absolutely pay attention when she say she feels trapped. Give her freedom. Give it to her now... but don't feel like you need to go anywhere afterwards. Instead, keep having fun. Keep enjoying each other.

But most important, look at the rest of your life. It sounds like she is one of the "normal" girls that wants to be with a guy who's well-balanced. Give her something to admire about what you do and how you do it.

The most successful relationship in my opinion is two independent, self-confident, ambitious, involved and productive people who have so much in common they work extra-hard to share that already developed life with each other. Does that make sense?

I'd say accept her "break" now and keep having a great time, but start developing your life NOW, the one that succeeds on its own without any particular woman in it, but one that is admirable. What are you going to do to be that guy?

[hjpan]

Sorry pal... looks like she's tired of you~

Four and a half year relationship.... she must be tired then?

[GoldenGate]

Yes, my post here does sound controlling, I admit. But I can see that here, and not in my relationship. I think I'm just feeling kind of desperate right now, so I'm being more tactical/controlling than I normally would.

Actually, one of her occasional complaints about us is that I could stand to do a little MORE of making decisions and plans to do things, etc. So I don't think that's really the source of anything.

Anyway, I am already willing to give her space. I am mostly just confused about when to give her space. Now? In a month from now like she wanted? No contact, or just back off a bit? I don't know. Right now, if things turned sour, I don't think I would even be that angry. Really depressed and frustrated, but not bitter, you know? But if it turned out she was just tagging me along for the summer because it was convenient for the moment, THEN I would be really pissed. That's what I'm most worried about now. Well, okay, I'm most worried about the relationship, but unlike that, summer vs. not summer is what I am most worried about that I actually have some significant control over. (Control of my own life and being played like a chump, not control of her ultimate decisions)

@hjpan, Uhh, that seems pretty pessimistic, no? People stay married for 50 years sometimes. There's not some kind of inherent time limit on when you get bored with someone. I think the amount of time two people have spent together should, on average, always be viewed as a positive measure, not a negative one, or you'll never really get anywhere.

[hjpan]

@hjpan, Uhh, that seems pretty pessimistic, no? People stay married for 50 years sometimes. There's not some kind of inherent time limit on when you get bored with someone. I think the amount of time two people have spent together should, on average, always be viewed as a positive measure, not a negative one, or you'll never really get anywhere.

Then why do people cheat on one another?
It's not about pessimistic thinking but girls tend to reconsider their choices with their current partner. The week before my ex & I broke up, we talked about having lots of sex at my place...

then *poof*

She says she lost interest in me.

Piece of trash ex

[talaniman]

Geez fellows, when your female wants a break, give it to them, not hang around for crumbs, and false hope. The very reason you never put them on a pedestal, or see them every day. She wants to break up after the summer, and go to school with no strings to hold her back. She still needs you to keep her company till then. Sex or no sex, nows the time for you to enjoy your own freedom, and see what life has for you. Why would you hang out, knowing the end is near?

That's right, I hate it when guys act like girlfriends, so willingly.

[talaniman]

summer vs. not summer is what I am most worried about that I actually have some significant control over.

Since you know what's coming, serve your own interests. Do you have to be available ALL the time when ever SHE feels like it? WHY? Just me, I am out of here, so why wait for the end of the summer??

[mimi03]

It seems as though you are comfortable enough for her to hang with now. It sounds like being with you now beats being alone now. But later, she knows she won't be lonely (at school).

There's an old 70's song . . . "Love the one you're with." It sounds like she will be taking that literally -- now, and while away at school.

Give her space. Begin looking for someone to replace her. You may actually find someone.

I can tell you this much for sure: anyone who tells you that 'being with you in a relationship makes them feel trapped,' does not have the same level of "feelings" for you that you have for them.

Give her her space (perhaps at the edge of a cliff, lots of space there), but do not make direct eye contact. Slowly back away. When you've gained some distance, run like hell.

Trust me.

I completely agree with wise guy!!

She wants a "Break" but she's keeping you around during the summer until she's off to exciting new things/people.

This doesn't mean you weren't good to her but she obviously wants to try something new... If I were you, I definetely wouldn't allow her the benefits of being my girlfriend when she isn't clear about if she even wants that relation.

She's getting: your attention, concern, patience, compassion... sex, And then she's going to drop you like a Bad Habit.
Sorry my friend, if you really want a shot with this girl You have to start the break yourself before she leaves and don't give in, don't give her those benefits! Either she'll realize what she's missing or show you that she wants to move on.

Bottom line Dont be a Doormat.
She gave you a date in which she wants to take a ''Break'' which happens to be when she goes back to school... fishy~

[bigbird213]

Since you know whats coming, serve your own interests. Do you have to be available ALL the time when ever SHE feels like it?? WHY?? Just me, I am out of here, so why wait for the end of the summer???

I'm going to have to agree here.

You know that your relationship is in jeopardy - my suggestion: Don't kill yourself to make a better impression on her, to keep her around, or anything else. I know its hard to 'let it go', but if she wants a break then give it to her, damnit. Don't allow yourself to be played a fool.

Get busy, get happy, get independent. I'll be the first to admit that I put myself in a relationship where she was dependent on me, and I allowed myself to become more and more dependent on her. It was a similar time frame too (4 years), and is a mistake I will never make again. -- start working on that now!

[GoldenGate]

So last night I essentially told her all of the things that everyone has been saying here (filtering with discretion, of course), and she replied:

-She thinks it will be more destructive to us to be so close to each other and yet actively be ignoring us or the relationship in the summer, versus when we will be a long distance anyway, which would make it harder to make things work out in the end.
-She still isn't sure that she really wants a break at all - because we haven't really spent more than a couple weeks at most together in quite a long time. So her feelings might just be built up long distance things, not an "us" thing, and if the summer goes well and demonstrates to her that she doesn't feel the same way when we are together in real life, she could be more confident about going through one more school year of long distance. (after this coming year, she will be graduating, and we would theoretically consider living together, or at least in the same area)
-She's concerned about throwing away this great month together that we've waited so long for, which would mean fewer fond memories, more bitterness, and would be stacking the deck in favor of her making a decision to leave permanently.

It sounds to me like she is coming up with all sorts of reasons this can turn out well, and excuses for herself for why this will help us as a couple, etc. Which is weird to me, because I definitely agreed with other posters in this thread at first that this just sounded like a euphemism for breaking up.

Does this logic actually sound reasonable to anyone here? Or does this all just sound like familiar equivocation/trying to spare my feelings stuff to the people who have been through this before?

And thanks so much to everyone who has replied!

[talaniman]

I will have to trust your judgment as to her sincerity, but she is correct about one thing, as LDR's are very hard top maintain, for even the most committed, mature couples. I can see her unwillingness to go through that.

Waiting for the end of the summer to see if things can continue is something that sticks in my craw though, and I can't say if I could go along with that kind of plan.

To my thinking, either your willing to tough it out, or your not, and that's what makes a relationship last, that willingness to work together to resolve your issues. Without that what do you really have??

If she cannot be reassured of your part, then best leave each other alone now, rather than later. Your in the best position, so how are you feeling about this??

[bigbird213]

How can you be expected to continue in a relationship that you know is ending. It is a fact, not a maybe or a possibility. Its stupid of her to expect you to put up with that.

Personally, I would start bailing now. If she is confused, let her sort things out herself. If she decides that she doesn't want to break up, then she can contact you and you can decide what you want to do, but hanging on and thinking there is a chance is illogical - especially since you know it is almost definite that you will be done at the end of the summer...

Maybe your stronger than me, but I wouldn't be able to do that.