[Blue Eyes 1963]

Hi

In a difficult place right about now. We have 2 sons - 23 and nearly 25. Youngest lives locally - about 2 blocks from us and the other one lives in another state about 2000km away.

Just find it difficult dealing with their selfishness and thoughtlessness. We have not been able to schedule things like a simple family meal for at least 2 - 3 years. Youngest boy is erratic with contact. He does suffer depression, however is on antidep and is studying at Uni. Promises to come over - then doesn't turn up - or ring to let us know - then wonders why we get upset when he turns up the next time. Just can not rely on him at all. He does not answer his phone when we ring him - he makes promises to pay us back some money by way of work around the house then doesn't do it - or we have to chase him to make him. Then I am the from hell about it all. I have tried speaking to him about his behaviour - but he just doesn't engage - which gets my blood boiling and adds to the problem. What does one do - you don't want him to continue this behavior of not turning up - but you don't want him to think he can do it either - by us not referring to it the next time. I just see him using this as a reason to not show. His current g/f - is very young - 18 or 19 and we have had little contact with her. She did make a mistake and said a few words once when I had finally tracked him down after 6 weeks and numerous phone calls to find him. I just don't know anymore.

The other one. He flew home here for a weekend - and didn't come and see us or his grandmother. I found out later and this was after he had rung me for mother's day and told me that I should never doubt his love for me as his mother. Then I suggested he needed to come home on a weekend so we could do family things - to be told -how hard it was to get a weekend off - yada yada... then I found out he had got home without seeing us. All I have said to this - was - I rang him on his cell - and told him that I had been extremely humiliated to have been told by 3rd parties that he had been home and that was it. Have heard nothing for 4 weeks.

OK - its my 45th birhday today and have still heard nothing from the boys. I get embarrassed when friends ask me how they are or what are they doing. Hard not to get upset and teary about it all.

We have been married for 25 years - worked hard, and believed we were reasonable parents. Theyhave never been subjected to alcoholism, domestic violence, drugs etc so I am at a loss here.

I am just so sick of the rollercoaster ride of emotion and the hurt. I am at the point of just telling them not to bother anymore and just cut off all contact and pretend that we didn't have kids.

Anyway - least its off my chest.

Any advice would be good about now.

Blue Eyes

[N0help4u]

To not deal with it cook for you and your husband. Anybody else can eat left overs
Don't lend out money.
Don't expect anything from them.
They are grown and apparently need to learn the hard way.
You are concerning yourself too much with making their life comfy and they don't even seem to appreciate it.
Just put the effort into having a good time with your husband and if they visit they visit.
Don't expect anything from them and then you can't get disappointed.

[JBeaucaire]

My wife and I are going through this very thing. (I too am Blue Eyes and born in 1963, cheers!)

We feel the sadness of separation. We feel the desparation of wishing our oldest would contact us more and our youngest would be more appreciative of our sacrifices to keep her in college.

But in the solace of our own home, we've gotten honest about it. My wife and I chose the life we live. Our kids are JUST starting to make choices. Everything we've had togeher was completely out of their control. They had no power in any of it.

Now they do. So, we wish for more communication and appreciation, but we don't NEED it. We wish for it because we believe their lives would benefit from our continued influence. So far, as young adults, they don't seem to agree. Not fully. Not yet.

So we are enjoying our life and the things we've chosen and are choosing. My kids failure to "perform to my expectations" has no bearing on our ability to happy and successful as we continue our journey.

Meanwhile, the door is always open. We stay the same. When we DO make contact with our oldest, we NEVER speech at her anymore about contacting us more often. We put no guilt or pressure on her at all. We just mention the things we planned and invited her to and how they went. She can feel guilty or not on her own.

And the youngest, well, she really DOES have a lot on her plate in college. We're in a much better position to be patient and forgiving of her lapses than she is. So we do.

Being older and wiser needs to HELP keep the peace at home, so use your experience to keep your interactions with your boys positive and supportive and admiring. People seek out positive energies, so make sure the energy coming at them over the phone from you is SO POSITIVE they want more of it.

And don't lend your kids money. Give it to them... or don't. Never lend. Money is a horrible bed-fellow. If you have the money and appreciate what it's needed for, give it to them. Or say "no, we don't have it." But don't lend money to family.

[Blue Eyes 1963]

Thanks to both of you for your time in responding.

Hubby and I have been doing a lot more things so we are not at home waiting for these kids to turn up! Just was never how I would imagine their adult life to be - so far.

Good point JB about giving and lending money. I think the prob at the moment is that I am still feeling so miserable about it all that I find it hard to be positive about now - but hopefully I may get there.

Thanks again and cross our fingers that things will improve.

Cheers

Blue Eyes 1963 downunder.