[caraleigh228]

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and he is very loving and trustworthy, smart and has never lied or done anything to hurt me. Sometimes I think it's too good to be true except for one thing... First, I am not a material person. I always offer to pay and I usually actually do pay for my half most of the time. We split our rent and bills 50/50. I like it that way. We are both starting in our careers, so we don't have a lot of money. So, I am being honest when I say, I am not wanting or expecting any grand or expensive gestures. However, a small token of appreciation once in a while would be great. Even if he picked a flower from the ground and gave it to me, it would mean the world to me, but he never has. We have been through several holidays together, birthdays and promotions and he has never brought me flowers or anything. I drop hints all the time about little things I like or want to try and he never seems to pick up on them... except for one thing. I said once that I wouldn't mind watching porn with him to spice things up and the other night he went to pick up takeout for dinner and he came home with "a surprise" for me, a porn DVD. Why couldn't he have brought me home a bottle of my favorite wine or even a single flower? This is hard to even write, because he is such a great guy and is not obsessed with porn or anything, but it just felt so wrong. I thought his surprise was going to be something romantic.

My question is this: Is this just how some guys are or does he seem not to care?

One other concern I have... we don't have this connection that I have had in the past with other boyfriends. He is generally a quiet person, but he never wants to talk about anything deep. I mean, for example, we both have very similar careers and I like to talk about it with him and he never seems interested or passionate about it. I understand some people like to separate work and personal life, but he just seems so empty sometimes. Not depressed or anything, but it seems like he doesn't have passion for anything. Whenever I share something that happened to me that made me upset (not something he did, but anything) he just kind of ignores it and changes the subject. He is just so aloof. There is nothing in his past that would have made him become this way, so I don't know if that's just his personality or he just doesn't care. I find myself missing the passion that existed in past relationships, not the person, just the connection we had and could converse about anything. I never fight with my boyfriend, and I mean NEVER. I am starting to think this might be a bad thing. Am I going nuts? Please help!

Thanks for taking the time to read my long question!

[plonak]

It seems to me that you guys have more problems than you think.. but let me start first with your first question..

Why don't you just tell the guy that you would like something now and again.. tell him you would like a flower or some wine.. he's not a mind reader you know.. it doesn't mean he is cruel or not caring, but I believe that you should communicate with guys directly because they generally don't get hints.. and yes, you hinted about the porn thing and he picked up on it.. but that's different.. guys are wired to tune in when they hear anything about sex..

Ok now about the second question and this is where I think your relaitonship is having major problems.. the fact that he doesn't listen to your problems or doesn't talk about his feelings or communucate is a very bad thing if it's important to you (such as it is with most people).. I don't think that's a good thing that he's aloof.. as you were describing him (you never fight) I'm getting the sense that this guy is very passive.. kind of guys that lets someone walk all over them, and he's just a body filling space in the world.. let me tell you, if it's annoying/bothering you now just imagine how horrible it would be if you married him.. it would be impossible to live with.. that's my opinion though..

I have a thought though, and this MAY be a reason why he's not listening and seems aloof.. does he have ADD? He might be having a hard time concentrating..

Ok so here comes the advice.. I suggest you talk to him.. sit him down and communicate.. no matter what.. tell him that your relatinship depends on it.. tell him that it's really hard for you when you don't communicate with each other.. just try it and if it doesn't go well, then I'm sure you will have to decide if this is what you are OK living with... it's tough this whole relationship thing.. but it's important to weed those people out before we find that right person..

[talaniman]

Opposites attract, but communications are how we humans relate. Talk to him, and see what his actions say. Tell him what you expect, and let him know directly.

It will take a bit of work for the both of you.