[kcook]

Ok, so I dated this guy for a little over a year. I knew there were some red flags from the beginning, but I let myself ignore them. I always tried to help better his life... etc. Well he lost his job a few months ago and decided that he was not really going to try anything for awhile. I am extremely motivated in life to have nice things and work hard for them. So after several weeks of trying to push him to fix himself and him doing nothing I broke up with him. Well about ten days later I took him back again and within a week I felt the same way. Well another few weeks past and we talked and he said he thinks about me all the time, but he just needs time to fix things on his own and he is not happy with where he is in life. Of course at this point I now feel like I miss him more and more. I try to talk to him about relationship things and he freaks. I want to repair things and it seems like the more I talked about it the farther away he got. Well in our last conversation I was very upset because I miss him so much. He got really rude to me on the phone and said I am driving him crazy. Of course it just go worse from there. He ended up telling me that he is just not attracted to me anymore, that's why its done now. I just am confused. I know I initiated the breakup, but I guess really to motivate him to want more and take on my values. It;'s like he doesn't want to grow up and he is 30. I am the first girlfriend he has ever had, he just screwed around girls before(strippers, bar girls etc.) but never cared about anyone. He used to tell me all time how much he cared about me and how I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He even told me how much he he still thinks about me the day before he said he is not attacted to me( What?). How can he switch from one to the other that fast? Or is he trying to just say things to hurt me? I am afraid that he is just going out and being a pig again because that is easier than having a relationship. I am so confused... anyone got suggestions on why he says he misses me... but then when there are expectations he is not attracted to me anymore? Very hurtful thing to say and makes me question myself. Why?

[Rockstar714]

Guys get upset when us girls try to do everything for them. They start to feel worthless and things like this happen. He's right, he needs to fix all his mistakes on his own. Give him his space and see what happens.

Let him fix what he messed up.

[talaniman]

Doesn't sound like a very equal relationship to me, and he may even be caught between intimidation by your success, and frustration at his own inability. I wouldn't take what he says personally, but would make him do something, or get off the pot.

[Chery]

When a man looses his job it's hard enough and he then looses his self-respect. This can do a lot of damage to his ego. The last thing he needs is advice from someone who is not 'down' to his current level, no matter how much he loves and misses you.

You cannot fix this for him - he needs to do this on his own. Until then, you should give him space and let him collect himself and make his plans. He needs to succeed in this or he will not feel he deserves you anymore, that's why he is probably being verbally abusive.

Don't be pushy, wish him luck and let him work things out. If it does not work for him, leave him alone and go on with your life and your goals, no matter how hard it will be without him around.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[ylaira]

"I always tried to help better his life"
"He ended up telling me that he is just not attracted to me anymore."

Believe only that ur are loved if there's an action that comes after words. U cannot change a person unless he loves u enough or he's willing to improve for himself.

[kcook]

Thanks to all of you that have commented. Yes I do believe that he feels like a failure in his own life, but it is so hard to not try and help him when I care so much for him. He has never really been stable in a job. He kind of just moves from one to another, not ever really being happy. He sleeps on his couch and I thinks is in some depression. I am just insecure I guess when it comes to losing him. I have been down this road before and I know love goes away. I was married for 12 yrs and have 3 boys. My ex husband had a affair and ran with the other women. Well 4 yhrs later he has nothing and lives with his mom(karma). I am just stuck on that text "I am not attracted to you anymore". It just blows me away. I just keep trying to analize it. I gave Everything to this man. I know that I was his first love. I dwell on the fact that he is probably hooking up with some random, that's how he lived before me. I know I deserve much more, but those darn feelings are there and I really want him back in my life.

[talaniman]

but those darn feelings are there and I really want him back in my life.

Ask yourself, is it worth the misery, and pain you put up with, with this fellow? Do you love, and feel its fair, what he is giving you in exchange? Think hard, and know, maybe, we can't help who we love, but we can control what we do about it.

Love yourself enough to make yourself happy, and share it with someone that deserves it. Not give it away, to someone who doesn't appreciate it.

[JBeaucaire]

It's your fault for initiating the breakup because you're a grownup and he's not. If it's your fault, accept that blame and realize it was a good thing. No... a GREAT thing.

Now, painful as it is, you are now actually free to date and pursue and enjoy the company of some ambitous, grown men. Won't that be a refreshing change?

Your love for this guy has allowed you to waste more time than you needed. I'm glad you finally overcame that habit. What a great opportunity you now have.

[magrock]

kcook- I was in a similar relationship which luckily he ended it because he I was not happy. He was 31 & had no amibition he had a job but was not happy overall w/it plus he is an alcoholic.. what I learned from this relationship is u #1 have to love yourself enough to know you derserve all happiness in the world & not be in a relationship where someone brings u down instead of lifting u up. We did not have the same values & goals in life which is what u need for a lasting partnership... I hope this helps I know what your going through because I love him a lot but I know he is not the right man for me & I come first in my life... good luck :)

[kcook]

I love to read all your posts. Thanks. I know when I read what you wrote that I do deserve so much more. I am very successful and have a lot to offer. He always told me that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him. All of his friends and family couldn't believe how happy he was. Like I said I was his first girlfriend and he is 30. I do believe that he has major relationship issues which includes family relationships as well. I have been through so much worse with the loss of my husband. I guess my problem is that I feel like I am losing control. I want to be the "fixer" and I did the same thing with my ex husband. I felt like I was dragging him trough life. Isn't it funny how we tend to make the same mistakes. This time I knew though and I broke it off. I guess I wanted him to jump up and decided he loves me enough to change who he really is. Core values are always the same. I knew that in the back of my head the whole time from my past experience. Just hard. I also get very jelious(also from past exp.) of him being better for someone else. However, I know this probably won't be the case since he seems pretty selfish. It just makes sad to think about. Guess mostly cause I was thrown away by my husband in the past to another women. I don't know... I just want someone at the same level as me and not another boy to take care of. I have 3 (13,10,8) already. I know that they need a good role model since they don't get that from their dad. He kind of just checked out. I really thank you for listening... it does help and helps me understand that it really isn't me. I still just hate that dumb comment "i am not attracted to you anymore". Only after there was requirement put on him. My ex husband said the same thing, maybe it's just still a fresh wound that has been hit.

[starlite1]

Hi KCook,

It is always so hard when the person we care about doesn't seem into us anymore. All I can say honey, is pretty much the same as the others have said to you so far. You truly don't deserve this from him. You have given him everything, and he either doesn't appreciate it, or is so filled with his own self pity that he is pushing you away with his comments. You seem like a wonderful woman, who also has 3 children. I would let this man go, and continue your life forward with your children. Then, you will find the right man for you, who will treat you and your children with love and respect; the same we you do ;-)

[kcook]

Well... It has been 7 days of NC. I hate this. I just keep questioning myself. The first conversations we had, he kept telling me he just needed time to get his life together, so he could figure it out. That he know I deserve so much, but right now he is not happy with himself and how can he make me happy until he was happy.Well I couldn't stand that. I wanted a yes or no answer right there because I just figured we could work through it together. So I pretty much went back and forth from being OK when we talked to just freaking out and cring on the phone asking why.. why can't you just try to me motivated and see all that we can have together. It was like I was trying to convince him what he was losing. Well that went back and forth for several weeks and last week was the final blow up. I confronted him on rumors of him just being out of the bar and hanging out with ow. I did text some pretty hurtful things, such as what a fake he was and how sad I was that he chooses this lifestyle. He said that being alone is what he knows and it is just easier to not have expectations. He can do whatever he wants. I know he lived that way before, just hanging out with women. So back to my text I get "i am just not attracted to you anymore, didn't want to say it but thats why sorry". It just blows me away. I question this over and over in my head. He just through me for a loop. He can be very mean to others, maybe I am just in the path now. I wonder sometimes if I just had not been so pushy if things would have been different. I mean evertime I talked to him up till the end he always said how much he missed me and how he talked to certain friends who really like me. I just wanted that instant turn around from him, and kind of freaked. I texted him the other day, just saying that I am sorry for pushing him and I wish him well. Kind of so that he would know I am sorry for acting like a crazy sad freak. Of course I got noting back. But I did leave it alone (7d). Just a question here. Is it possible that he really didn't mean that? That he was just push and because of his lack of relationships he just retaliated like a little kid when they are pushed. Just seems that if he had really been feeling that way that he wouldn't of been nice up till that point I wouldn't just give him time, because again this is a guy who has never really ever been in another relationship.I just really thought I was
Special to him. He always told me how I was the best thing EVER to happen in his life. I know he has slept with a lot of women over the years and out of all of them he said he never meet anyone like me. Is it really that easy for him to just walk away too. It is like he is stuck between what he knows in life. Being alone. His own Mother came to see me the other day at work and gave me a card and money and said sorry for everything. Thanks for all your help, you really deserve so much more you are such a great person.

Help... Just a really bad day.
Can anyone help me figure it out.
Is he really not attracted to me anymore? Or trying to get away from my emotional wreak?
I do still want this to work... Maybe I really am crazy.

[kcook]

Still having a terrible time evaluating this whole thing... :confused:

[Chery]

Your husband left, even after you 'led' him and practically took control over important things. He said you no longer attracted him.

Now, your ex BF is also tired of you taking the lead and suggesting things he should do - in other words, you tried to control the situation here too.

What you wanted was appreciation of being the 'fixer' but got the opposite. Sorry this happened, but some guys just don't want a 'fixer' because they think that it's their responsibility to do the fixing, not the woman's. This can be a big turn-off to men, whether they are weak or strong and they will eventually run away from this complication. You set your expectations on him not letting him deal with it himself - he wants and needs a break from you.

There are ways to guide men into thinking that they come up with ideas on their own - it's a fine art we women can learn in time.

There are also men who enjoy being under control and not have to do much work - and they don't mind as long as they get paid and continue to receive benefits while meeting your expectations - but after a while, they too will decide to try out some independence.

Whether some men succeed being independent or not, is not our choosing, it's their choice even if they fail in it. We have to let them make these choices and let them go if we cannot handle it.

This young man is going to try his independence and even if he fails, it will be something that he did without expectations/influence and that alone counts for him, so let him go.

You will have to work on your ego and decide if you want to continue to be in charge and still have a partner willing to go along with it for a period - in other words - same situations, different guys for years to come in your future. Or, you could talk to a professional and work on how to change your life so that you can find balance in a partnership to find happiness in the future.

Also, consider the role you show your sons - they will avoid women who demonstrate strength and will look for weak, (typical dumb blonds), school drop-outs if you continue to show them this type of lifestyle. Talk to them and see if they have any suggestions of how Mom can change a few things in her life to make the stress less.

I could be wrong, and this is just my opinion, so please don't take it the wrong way. Just showing a point of view men might have - justified or not - and giving you food for thought.

Good luck dear, I hope the next guy is more compatible.

You are not crazy, just different and might be too much like his mother with intimate benefits and he has chosen to look for something less complicated and demanding.

[talaniman]

Sometimes life puts us on a path to learn and grow, and this fellow was obviously not ready, and not willing, to work with you.

That's good as you are now free to move on in a better direction, and can reset your goals to make you, and your kids happy. You don't need a man for that, but finding your own happiness, will attract a partner who has the skills, and abilities to work with you, and share your happiness.

Don't sell yourself short.

[liz28]

Focus on your kids because they don't need to see you be around a guy like this and you should only be supporting them and no man. You broke it off with him for a reason and shouldn't have taken him back.

He might have said that to be hurtfull to you and wanted you to feel pain so he knew texting that would have a deep impact of you.

He's 30 and should have his life in order and when things happens you pick yourself up and move on. He seems to lack that motativation. When my boyfriend lost his job, I knew it hurt him, but within a few days he had a new one with better pay.

Maybe, like you stated, he miss his old lifestyle with the strippers and bars and might be where he belongs.

As far as you, worry about yourself and boys and try to stay busy. You work hard to have all the things you have and if you met someone else they should add to it instead of you adding to their life. In time you would heal and laugh at that text,which you should do now. Look at yourself in the mirror and laugh at what he said and turn the frown upside down.

[Chery]

Liz and Tal are right. You deserve to find someone at your level in life and out of their juvenile phases and don't feel threatened by your independence and strength because you have a lot to offer. You just need to look in the right place.

[kcook]

I know what you all are saying makes perfect sense. I know deep down I deserve so much more, that's why I broke it off in the first place. But my heart loves him so much it makes me sad that he chooses this life. He sleeps on his couch, has no food in his house and lacks ambition in all areas. It truly is like he is stuck at 21. He only wants to think and worry about this moment nothing else. He said in one of our last conversations that he will probably always live this way, just his dog and him. He complains all the time about how things are not fair in life with regards to where he is in life. But it all stems from his choices so far. He truly did seem like he was on the road with me to better his life and then just couldn't handle it or something. All I required was for him to have a job. I have everything to offer someone. I guess I just was buying into the fact that he would tell me all the time how he never felt like this and how I was the best thing that ever happened (until there was expectations of him) and how luck he was. I know in the long run that I will be OK. I do not feel like I am controlling of anyone.. however I do expect him to be ambitious. I do not want to feel like I am his mother or that I am leading him through life. Why is it that I was so confident when I broke things off (twice) and now somehow I feel like am the one losing out? He literally has nothing to offer me. I guess it is just that dumb comment or something. I am sure he was hurting and just wanted me to feel like crap too. But I still wonder why he wouldn't try when there is so little I require of him. It is pretty sad how everyone of his friends and family thinks he was so lucky to have me and how rare it is to find someone so real and giving. I do really hope he misses me and wants to make those changes. Is that weird? Maybe it is just that I want another chance for us to fix this. Thanks again to all of your advise. Sometimes it is so hard to what you know you need to. I bet in 1yr from now he probably will still be doing the same old nothing and I will be happy I let go (people don't change) because I want the fairy tale.

If there is a chance of him changing what do think it is going to take?
Will NC be the best?
Any other suggestions about what I can do to make him think about what he is losing?

It truly does make me feel better to post and get your words of wisdom:)

[JBeaucaire]

The only way he'll ever inspire HIMSELF to change is if his laziness costs him things. That includes you. And I don't mean it costs him you as a "TRICK", I mean it really costs him YOU. You're gone and onto a better life.

The only downside is that if you're leaving him (and other losses that are the result of laziness) finally DO inspire him to do better, you won't be there to enjoy the change. If you were there, he may NEVER do better. Vicious circle, isn't it?

Oh well, it is what it is.

[liz28]

NC, would be best. Sometimes you have to follow your mind not heart. Who cares where he live, what he's doing, how he's living, if he's eating, etc. He's a grown man and if he's comfortable and chooses not to change his life for the better than its his life. Nobody can change it but him and he have to want to change. You or nobody else can't. Worry only about yourself and the things you can control.

One way to get over someone is to let go and accept he's going be who he is. Stop taking time out your day to think about his life and focus on yours. You can expect anything from him and he already stated how he wants to live and if it don't bother him then it should not bother you. The only thing you can do is raise your boys and hope they don't turn out like this. Otherwise, like everyone stated early you did good in getting him out your life so don't go back on your decision. You don't want another child to raise because with him that's all you would have been doing.