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mmmbopdoodle · Jun 9, 2008, 01:02 PM

That's what I was thinking, that it was selfish to not let me have my own time. He says we need to talk about it and work through it together. I get quiet whenever I'm deep in thought and he tries to pry it out of me. I asked him to let me come to him when I'm ready to talk. No he isn't pressuring me into having a baby, I wasn't even planning on it the first time. I think he tried the first time. Now we were planning on it but I am unsure on that right now. Just because I feel like we should work things out completely before we make any life-changing decisions.

mrchef1110 · Jun 9, 2008, 01:11 PM

Originally Posted by mmmbopdoodle

i feel like we should work things out completely before we make any life-changing decisions.

Well trying to find out what is wrong is the guys way of trying to deal with a problem, you have to make it clear to him that what you are going through cannot be solved the way he wants it to be.

Right now its not about us its about me and my feelings. You have been very forthright with how you have approached this and made your needs clear, whether he respects your needs or not is another issue which could very well hinge the success or failure of this relationship.

Also if you weren't planning on your first pregnancy but he was trying to get you pregnant without talking to you about how you felt about it, don't you think that's a problem?

You hit the nail on the head. You owe it to yourself and your children to have a healthy relationship for them to be born in.

mmmbopdoodle · Jul 9, 2008, 12:33 PM

My fiancé and I had a dilemma a couple of months ago about his ex. I felt betrayed and in a way it kind of put my trust for him on the line. I've been in a few bad relationships. I was one of those bitter girls that thought all guys were the same until I tried something different. Kind of like switching your dating scene from football players to skaterboys? I guess because cheating and being hurt was all I knew I expected it from every guy. "They're all the same", you know? Anyway, my ex whom has cheated and lied and hurt me numerous times calls or texts me every now and then. (we hooked up for a long time after we broke up) One night he called and I let him come over, we hooked up that night. I cheated on my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have had our problems but we try our best to forgive and look past them into what's important. We love each other very much, I am very thankful for him in every way. We're engaged and are not going to be getting married until October of '09. I feel awful even though this happened about 4 months months ago. I would never do it again. I didn't think he'd become my husband one day. If I could go back in time and take it back then I would. I read in an article that telling your partner you cheated on is selfish because it makes them feel horrible yet making yourself feel better and less guilty?Teen Advice Love Lady: You Cheated Should You Come Clean? I want to tell him just because I'm ready to spend my life with him and I want to be faithful to only him, start on a clean slate I suppose? But I'm so terrified of losing him. The deal with his ex, she still loved him and wouldn't let go. They've kissed while we were together but that's not as bad as sex. This article did sound reasonable, I don't want him to hurt, and I wouldn't dream of cheating on him again in the future. We've been through so much together and are extremely close. That's the only secret I have from him. Everyone carries a secret that can shatter you. I don't know how to tell him? I want to, I don't want him to hurt and I don't want to lose him. I don't want our relationship to change. Unless its progressing. It didn't bother me at first, I was cool with eveything. I know that sounds bad but I didn't care for him as much back then than I do now. I love him with everything I've got. It just started bothering me today randomly. And I never thought it'd bother me so much. So I brushed it off and moved forward with my boyfriend. A lot has changed for us in 4 months. Please help. I had insecurities to work through and now I'm content with my life and everything, I want to tell him but reading that article,. I don't want him to hurt. I don't know what to do and how to do it?

Romefalls19 · Jul 9, 2008, 12:41 PM

You question is how to tell him? Sit him down and say "Hunnie I made the worst mistake of my life, I cheated on you with so and so about 4 months ago" Then pray he forgives you and looks past it. Expecting your relationship not to drastically change is wishful thinking, it will change and change drastically.

f104 · Jul 9, 2008, 12:54 PM

I really have mixed feelings on whether he should be told or not in this situation. It seems to me that you would tell him mainly to make yourself feel better. You were selfish enough to cheat and now you are selfish enough to make him feel pain. Wow, sounds like me a long time ago!

Glad this is your choice and not mine. I will say that cheating sucks. I cheated on my fiancé and I told her. Well she suspected and I confirmed her fear. Like you it was only once. She did leave me. Cheating is horrible for the person who has been cheated on. Outside of a marriage I am not convinced that telling a partner about a solitary incidence of cheating is the right thing to do. I guess if I were in your situation I would not tell him. Just make sure it does not happen again. Making amends to a person is fine but be careful of your motives. Telling him what happened just so you feel better is wrong. Of course he may find out eventually anyway (like my ex fiancé did) but that is a fear I think you should live with.

Chery · Jul 9, 2008, 03:05 PM

To err is human, to forgive is devine and every human makes mistakes that we have to learn to live with and learn from.
OK, so you were both human beings doing the normal dating thing, sometimes one or both of you went back a few steps instead of moving forward.

You had a fling four months ago. Were you officially engaged then? No matter what reason you had for accepting, you now feel stronger towards him than you did then - You've grown and bonded.

I think that if you have 'shared' enough of your past histories and still want to spend the rest of your lives with each other - that you both have outgrown your 'wandering' days.

If I were you, I would not purposely place myself in a position to be tempted again, and if you both can be true to each other, communicate about all other things, have a wonderful time with each other then nothing should stop you from having a chance at happiness.

So, if this keeps you faithful to him until October of next year - don't tell him... wait twenty years down the road after you have achieved your goals, i.e. family and marital bliss, I'm sure that he will forgive you and not be hurt.

After all, we are only human and do make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. I would not go through guilt trip because there are people out there that cheat just 'one more time' the night before the wedding (which I would not do, but for some it's the norm.) But if you do get the urge to wander, then it's time to be truthful to yourself as well as to him - and if the urge is gone, then go for it and be happy.

Good luck dear, and my best wishes for the dreams of your futures. We all deserve them.

talaniman · Jul 9, 2008, 06:15 PM

EDIT-
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=2962098
Given your short history together, I would think you would tell him now, as opposed to later, if your serious about wiping the slate clean. Soon as possible as a matter of fact.

If you wait until later, all that progress you speak of will be one big waste, and he will feel much worse.

Romefalls19 · Jul 10, 2008, 05:00 AM

I won't give you a reddie Chery, as I have much respect for you, but I disagree with that. It seems(and only seems that way not saying you are) telling her wait until he is already fully committed to the relationship i.e. Kids and marital bliss and then tell him? To me that is going to the outside effort of making him feel guilty and stay because of the kids. I am a firm believer in coming clean, I also think it would hurt her spouse a lot mor if she waited longer to tell him than if she told him right now.

Chery · Jul 10, 2008, 01:22 PM

Thank you Rome.. I did in a sense suggest that she wait.. but only if she was not officially engaged then. That's why I asked if she was already engaged at the time.

I believe that when one goes that far in a relationship and makes a promise to be exclusive, one should not make a mistake like that, tempted or not. I never even looked at another guy while just dating - always broke up before looking for another partner because I thought it only fair.

But I also believe that we have choices only we can make depending on our beliefs and morals... and I try not to force people to see only my point of view or judge.

In the end, it's the original poster who has to make the choice and live with it.

Even though I don't always agree with you, Tal, and some others, I still respect the heck out of all of you and share the belief that we all have a right to our opinions - and posters the right to their choices - whether we agree with them or not. That's what is so unique about this great site.

C.U. on the forum...

mmmbopdoodle · Jul 11, 2008, 03:30 PM

We were not engaged at the time I cheated

Chery · Jul 11, 2008, 03:46 PM

Originally Posted by mmmbopdoodle

we were not engaged at the time i cheated

Thank you for letting me know the answer to my question...

No matter what you decide, you know we will be here for you, so keep us posted, and good luck dear.

mmmbopdoodle · Dec 31, 2008, 12:23 PM

My fiancé and I have been together for a while. Recently we've been fighting a lot. We have our differences and some I can't quite overlook. I'm in college and plan to be successful with everything I do, I'm very determined and hard-driven. I know my life is going to be what I make it. He, on the other hand, barely got through high school, has no interest in going to college to better himself or accomplish any goals. He doesn't want to do anything. He's a mama's boy and doesn't know how to do small household stuff. It makes me insecure (I'm older than him) and I feel like I'll be the only one carrying weight around here. I moved all of his things out of my place and he wants to work it out. He says we're going to stay together. I love him and would be more than willing to work it out he just needs to grow up and tell his mom to cut the umbilical chord. How can I keep my foot down and not take him back? How can I move on?

KertAllikvee · Dec 31, 2008, 12:39 PM

If you love him then I don`t suggest you to leave him or something... You two can work this out. Just tell him what you think of him and he will understan but in the other hand guys don`t like to be changed

talaniman · Dec 31, 2008, 02:17 PM

The only way to heal and move on, is to disappear from his life, and live your own, if that's what you really want to do.

You to don't sound to well matched for marriage, or a future, to be honest.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=3544375

liz28 · Dec 31, 2008, 03:35 PM

Your only 18 and have a lot experience. With all the lies, cheating, lack of communication, etc this was doomed from the beginning.

You two aren't on the same page and don't know how to work with one another. Relationships take work and it won't work if only one person is on board. Marriage won't change this.

It's good that you see the signs now because marriage is easy to get into but hard to get out of.

Right now you can only let go and learn from this relationship because you did some hurtful things too.

mmmbopdoodle · Jun 30, 2009, 10:06 AM

My ex and I were engaged and we've had a few problems and a couple of miscarriages along the way. His ex wouldn't leave him alone in the beginning and he was getting pictures of topless 'friends' on his e-mail which he never uses, I just happened to stumble across it one day while checking an order online that we used his e-mail address for. We were devastated when we lost our babies, there were 2 preganancies that miscarried so we tried and tried for so long to conceive again. Well back in January we've had a big run-in w/ his family, (he's a momma's boy) and it just kind of tore us apart. His family and I were in a feud and the fight broke a lot of trust and loyalty between us. We began fighting and pointing fingers at each other, you did this you did that and I did this and I did that. It was horrible. I've learned to just let go and pick your battles. Our fighting grew intense, he never hit me or anything but it'd start getting physical. He'd try to restrain me and take my phone and keys away so I couldn't leave and then I'd get so frustrated and extremely angry that I'd push him back then he'd push me. As the fighting continued, things picked up he eventually started choking me and slamming my head into walls and the last time he slapped me really hard because he heard I was taking pills. That was just a one night thing. He's not a bad person. His biological father was abusive to his mother. Breaking her hands and kicking the life out of her, they split when he was 3 his dad was a bad alcoholic and drug addict so wes was never raised around him. I fought back a couple times in the beginning but I only saw it make things worse so I never fought back afterward for my sake. Back in April, we had yet another fight. This was after I had reconciled and forgave his family, things were really getting better, we were working together on the fighting and getting things straightened out then we had another fight, not as bad as any before. But we ended up breaking up for good. He moved out and I gave his ring back, we said our goodbye's. The first 2 weeks were really hard, I made a complete fool of myself, but he just wouldn't budge. He said he was scared of what he could do to me, and feels bad for putting his hands on me and he didn't want to hurt me like that anymore so he wanted to figure where alll this anger was coming from. SO I left hima lone, I understood. Then I found out he had ed a girl in between the times me and him had slept together, didn't use a condom or anything. So then it turned into, I want to experience more and I want to see what else is out there. I'm the second girl he's ever slept with. I felt sdisgusted. Come to find out I was pregnant also. Which later led to an abortion, which I deeply regret. Now his mom, aka God, hates me. His brother and sister-in-law are very close to me, aftert he termination they took care of me and helped me. I miss him and I want to talk to him so bad, we were so crazy in love and about each other and it just hurts to see how we ended up like this. I've seen him around and I haven't been anything but civil and nice to him but he gets so angry w me, he's done damages to my car over little stuff such as shirts, shoes and an iPod. I don't understand why he gets easily ticked off by me now, he wasn't like this before. I mean he'd get angry like that when we started arguing but it's take a good long argument before he got upset likke that, now I wave or say a simple yes or no answer and he gets in my face and throws up old and always says, 'thats why I left your '. Just hurtful things and I'm so confused. Idk why I set his temper off like that, it hurts and I feel like I'm the reason he's so mad, so maybe it is best he stay away so he won't be angry. He told me when we first broke up that the only time he got mad like that was when he was around me. I just wonder if it's a bad idea to miss him? Will we ever be able to bounce back after all this? After his family hating me and the abortion and everything?

CrazyThumper · Jun 30, 2009, 10:27 AM

Damn.. this message has red flags ALL over it. Do yourself a favor and start to move on from this guy as fast as you can. Will he ever stop being angry/abusive? Who knows.. that is NOT for you to figure out and stick around to find out. You already mentioned he become physical with you... bad bad. I'm a bigger guy, if I hit a girl I'd probably kill her.. is that what you want to happen?

You do KNOW there are guys out there that are nice and wouldn't ever consider laying a hand on the person they love right? Get the f out of this nightmare that you consider a relationship and find someone that is WORTH your time and energy. Oh.. getting along with your significant others family is great and all.. but this is currently the LAST thing you should be concerned about..

He is a child and he will get what is coming to him someday.. destructive people do not go far in life.

Thumper

mmmbopdoodle · Feb 8, 2010, 12:17 PM

[CENTER][B]I've previously posted on this site about my Ex and I. You were all right. Things ended badly. He grew violent. He never hit me, but he did everything else when he'd get into a rage. He choked me, slapped me once, and threw me into walls and furniture. I did piss him off, I'm not saying I am the reason for his behavior. I instigated it. And have slapped him and one time when he choked me and said some real vicious things, I grabbed a belt and hit him in the face. Things were horrible. We were engaged, living together and pregnant at the time. We broke it off, he moved out and I got an abortion. After the procedure was done and taken care of, we had no contact. His brother and sister-in-law grew closer to me after that. They helped me cope, deal with it, and grow. It was hard because that is his brother but I have grown a lot of respect toward him. I continued with my life. Things do get better. Even when I felt like I couldn't move forward without him. I learned about myself and who I was. I saw things in a different perspective, viewed life differently. I leaned on everybody and anybody in my life. I made some amazing friends in the process. Had another boyfriend at one point who turned out to be a douchebag, of course (sorry guys). I questioned every aspect of my relationship with my ex-fiance. Was it real? Who is he? What has gotten into us? What the F@#$ happened?? How did we get to that? I wanted him in my life. I reached out to him a couple of times only to hear him tell me to leave him alone. I had obviously grown and matured more than he. I wasn't going to keep trying to have some sort of relationship with him whether as friends or partners if he was just going to be mean and keep hurting me. This is over a span of 8 months or so. So I focused on myself once again. I wasn't going to let him see me at that low point again. I got my number changed and appplied to a college a couple of hours away.
We started speaking again on New Years Eve. I texted him Happy New Years while on a drunken night out with the girls. Surprisingly, he replied. We began a conversation through the night. Even had a 3-hour conversation into New years Day's morning. Finally, off to bed. We've been talking constantly nonstop since then. From the moment we wake up until we fall asleep, we text. I still went to school 2 hours away. I've been home on weekends to visit friends and family. And him. We started sleeping together not long after we started speaking again. Old habit? Maybe. We've talked about the past. He apologized over and over for his wrongdoings. I felt just as guilty, no matter how many times he's told me I didn't hurt him as bad as he hurt me. I know it took both of us. We've reminisced on how happy we were, Gave each other our opinions on what went wrong and told each other how sorry we were and how we could have done so much better with each other. He told me he was sorry for how he treated me while we were apart. When I did try to speak to him, it was when I needed to talk to him or just needed him for support. I lost my grandma, aunt and uncle within a week of each other. I had a horrible time. He had been my best friend, my partner, my guide, my comfort, my fiancé, boyfriend, he was everything. He is someone I will always want in my life, no matter what. I have a deep love for him and would very much like to be with him again. But when I mentioned this to him him he sais, "I just want to be friends for right now.." Now I am a very impatient person, who analyzes everything and has no self-control whatsoever. Lol. His mother hates me now, he is a momma's boy. She hates me because of the abortion. She was there for me and "loved" me up until I had the procedure done. I regret it. I wish I could take it back. Its what he wanted. He had all this anger toward me and still to this day he cannot tell me why. But its gone. He turned that aggression into Mixed martial arts, he trains with a UFC fighter. He'll be getting into that. And he has changed a lot, he grew as a person. I am thankful everyday to have him back. While we were apart, at first I was miserable. The break-up dragged me through hell and back. Once I had gotten past that period I was so thankful to be somewhat close to happy again. But something was still missing. Since he's been back I've forgotten what that pain, that emptiness felt like. I can't begin to explain how he makes me feel. I am unsure what to do about him? I talked to him about us sleeping together and said I'd be hurt and upset if he slept with someone else or got a girlfriend. Bc he was 'mine'. He said he'd be just as upset and hurt also. We agreed, no more sex. We want a real friendship. We still spent time with each other like we usually do. But he still holds my hand, He still invites himself with me on pointless errands, and kisses me a million times before I leave, and right before I hop in my car and every single night before we go to sleep he says a little 'I love you'. He is always anxious for me to be back home. And its still takes us 30 minutes just to say goodbye. We have the deepest conversations with each other. He tells me how important I am to him. I don't get it. I don't understand what he's doing or why we can't be together right now? He doesn't seem to worried about his mom, or his family "You don't know how badly you're hurting you're mother by speaking to her! That's your own mother!" I never did anything to her. My relationship was with him, not her! My family isn't fond of the fact that I talk to him (nobody knows about anything else). But my mom knows I love him, and she told me if he is what makes me happy, then she's happy too. She's never been involved with our relationship too much, only when she needed to be.

Romefalls19 · Feb 8, 2010, 12:30 PM

What is your question? If you want to continue growing into this relationship you both need to work on how you handle your anger. You both have anger issues that need to be worked on.

Cat1864 · Feb 8, 2010, 12:50 PM

I think you both need to take it slow. With the history that you share, I would look into couple's counseling to ensure that all of the hurt, pain, issues and concerns have been dealt with instead of mentioned and buried. Consider it a 'just in case something got missed' measure.

As for families, they need to understand that it is your life and his life not their lives. You two are responsible for the decisions that you make. I am glad that your mother already seems to understand that fact of parenting.

Good luck.