[qqatsii]

I started seeing a gal two months ago. We knew each other as friends for years. I was always curious about her, but she was with someone, so I did not ask her out. She then broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years when I recently re-contacted her. We met for a beer, and proceeded to mash. Since then, we have been seeing each other, getting closer, but she now is torn. She wants to date other people, that she has always professed. But we, in her mind, took it too far. That is, sexually and emotionally. She says she is not used to dating, that she has always been in monogamous relationships, never really testing different waters.
So now, we seem to be coming to a point where she wants to be true to her wanting, after the last relationship, to see other people. I have said "go for it", but so tell her that it would bother me for her to see others. I just don't want to know about it. She says she feels trapped in the sense she doesn't want to hurt me by seeing others, but feels she needs to, since she promised herself that. I do not want her to regret that.
She now wants to take a step back with me, vis a vi just date, no staying the night, no sex so we are on the same page as her other, would be, dates.
She says she has feelings for me, but is torn in the sense that she may not know if the feelings come from her always giving it all in her monogamous relationships and that she needs to see others to discover to see if that is true. Confusing?
It is hard for me to contain my feelings for her, of which I have said to her she is someone that I have never felt so strongly about, I am falling in love, etc. I do not regret those things being said, but did tell her recently that I took it too far too fast given her situation.
I gave us a break for a week, then contacted her where we had a good conversation, and made a plan to date once or twice a week and see how it goes. She was having a hard time not contacting me, as I wanted for a bit, so it felt good to hear that. She also said it might have driven her to the point that she realized I was someone she could not be without? So maybe I jumped the gun at contacting her, but was distraught and missed her.
I guess my Q is should I try reversing back to dating mode, is that possible given we have taken it to beyond that? I want to give her space, which I think she needs, for herself, to know what she wants in a man even though she says she connects with me more than others in the past. At this point we have said give dating a try and if that doesn't work, then maybe a month or two apart. She, in my eyes, is the one for me, but her saying she needs to date others, so as to not make past mistakes again, bugs me in a selfish way.
So again, what does everyone think? Should I just "date" her until she comfortably wants more, or should I let her go to date others, telling her to call if she wants to continue where we left off, that is, moving forward with a relationship.

[nelsta78]

After a long relationship sometimes all you want to do is go wild and sow some oates.
I'm not saying it's the right thing for her to do.But she's probably still hurt and confused after her last relationship and thinks that going out and tarting around will allow her to feel something different.
All I can say is just let her do what she has to do.
She might realise that tarting around isn't the thing for her and she might call on you.
But then again she might not, just be there for her and support her.
At the very least you'll keep a friend.

[Chery]

Sort of agree with nelsta78.. give her time.
When we make choices in lifestyle and all of a sudden meet someone that makes us think different, it's called growing and maturing. There is nothing at all wrong with changing one's mind, but there will be a period of confusion and guilt about not staying true to our 'word'- until we realize that when emotions are involved, those promises we make to ourselves go out the window and we take another look at the reality as is and what we would be willing to change.

So, if you can wait until her confusion has settled and she lets you know that she 'changed' her mind, you might be able to make a go at a good partnership. If not, then accept the friendship she offers and help her understand that it's OK to draw a new picture for her life.

You don't need to put your life on hold the other days of the week though, you are also free to have a good time and meet new people - with or without the overnights - that's your choice.

If the attraction is strong enough and neither of you analyze it to death, this might work. We are human, and this is the way we find out what person would be the right potential partner - nothing wrong with that.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[talaniman]

should I let her go to date others,

Of course you do! You let her go, and do as she wants, and you back away gracefully. I bet it wasn't to long ago she broke up a long relationship, and hasn't healed enough for another one. Bad timing for you, but you can give her what she wants, and tell her you understand and disappear for a while and do your thing and let her do hers.

Its very important to leave her alone, without the contact and questions, you will have about your future, so don't try that, as you will be disappointed, and push her away. Now is not the time for this romance, as bad as you want it, and as hard as it will be to stay away, and get her own head together, without pressure, or INFLUENCE from you whatsoever.

Say good bye, and disappear for a while, and be busy, and generally unavailable. If she feels as you do she will let you know so there is no need to question or push, as this is entirely her decision, so let her make it.

[qqatsii]

Thanks for the responses. Update: I called her because.. well... I was going nutz. I know I failed the first rule: NC.
She said I was glad I called, and wanted to call me on the same day, and felt upset she couldn't. So we talked, and are setting up a "date" this week. She then emailed me explaining her concerns that she was worried about giving too much time, and the last week was very hard or her. It's getting confusing for me, though I have to say. We agreed to try and just date like she would with others. I said I'd try, but if confusion reigns, then we need more time apart.
She also asked how we could take a step back emotionally, and I said that is really impossible. If she can't handle the emotionality of the relationship right now, I would give her more time.
I'm beginning to see that she has many problems with relationships, and maybe using me to understand these issues better. I'm OK, in some sense, with that. I'm not in a great state emotionally though, given my jobless and living situation. So I think we could be friends at least. There seems to be a connection, and I'm curious about it.
Lost souls just needing some comforting?
I did say go for dating others or take more time if necessary. I said I'd be hurt if she saw others, but understand her being true to her needs and am willing let her go if she finds a better suitor. Maybe I'm just delaying the inevitable.
Got to say that she missed me terribly, and is looking forward to seeing me this week. I will look at it as rediscovering each other. If is gets weird, I want her and I to say so.
One thing, as was answered, is that there is a danger in talking too much about the relationship. I would prefer to let things happen naturally, but now I see that she has major issues and am willing to help her out, at least for awhile. I'm sure eventually if it doesn't seem to be moving, I will say I got to go and call when you are ready to have a serious go at it.

[qqatsii]

Sorry about redundancies. I should have re-read my initial question.

[talaniman]

You are very accommodating for someone who, has basically been dumped, and put in the friend zone.

She also asked how we could take a step back emotionally, and I said that is really impossible. If she can't handle the emotionality of the relationship right now, I would give her more time.

And I doubt if she is as clueless as she leads you to think. She knows she wants to date others, and not have an exclusive relationship with you.