[dreamgirl2008]

Hi,
I am married for 4 years now. Trying for a child since the last 8 months. My husband is what you call a very nice gentelmenly sort of caring husband who tries to cater to my every wish if it is within his means. But from the time we have married I have been subject to verbal abuse from him, specially if he feels that I speak too much to my folks, get in touch with my family or friends... he hurts me to the core by saying down right insulting stuff about them for no reason at all. He keeps saying I just need you and me in our house and no one else. He has been a loner from what I have gathered from his childhood, very few friends with whom he no longer is in touch, was away in a hostel till we got married from the age of three and a half to 27 with seeing his parents once in a year. His parents are quite strict and he was not used to seeing the kind of love and fun fights and emotional attachment in our family. Of course they love each other and smother themselves with gifst and all but spend very little time together.. he was initially to himself when we got married withdrawn and moody sometimes, other wise normal and fun loving- exact oppsotie poles which I coulndt gather at times even if I tried to reach out to him.
.. slowly with time I started to get to know him. I even aborted my first child in our first year of our marriage for the fear that we still need to know each other and not consantly fight over everything. I sense whenever someone comes over from his side or myside family or friends.. he wants them away quickyl feeling it will disrupt our privacy. But I need my social circle too specially since the last one year I am not working. He feels threatened even if I shower abandant love and affection on him. He then resrots to hurting me by calling up my folks and insulting them.. I am surprised by this kind of attitude... I cry a lot then he ignores me and later on comes as if nothing has happened and tries to carry on all lovey dovey with no explanation for his behvaiour. I was a very outgoing person, adventurous and bubbly, lately I shut myself to home.and don't keep in touch much with anyone. When I meet up with anyone I am my old self.. otherwise I just help those people who needs conuslelling emotionally when I am very much aware that my life too needs someone to fill up this void I feel lately. I feel scared to even ask my folks to visit me or go home with him thinking hwat scene he might create next. It happens even in public places, if there' something he doesn't like.. he tends to creat a scene and insult me verybally irresepctive of whose watching or listening while we have been brought up to wash dirty linen in private. There were times when I used to cry , een now he asks for what am I crying.. has someone of yours died?? I try to comfort myself and don't share my hurt with anyone. I feel lost sometimes in these four years of marriage its nice to say that he has not let me out of his sight (ie for a night out or staying in with my parents or anywhere I want to go he wants to be always with me) like I should be proud to say we are the lovey dovey couple cannot bear to stay out of each other's sight. But if this is the case how can I even have a child for fear of his insulting insecure nature if I shower more affection on the baby?? I don't keep in touch with anyone lately... scared and confused out of my wits... I had to undergo treatment too last year because of depression fits I had while trying to sleep.

[justme8]

You need to go to a marriage counselor or leave this man. Do not bring a child into the marriage. He is isolating you, probably from your family, and things will most likely get worse. So leave now before you have a child with him.

[hollylovesbrandon]

Well, from the sound of things it might be best that you had aborted your first child
(please no bad rep... I understand this is a harsh subject). Your marriage was not yet ready and probably still isn't. I think first he needs to get some psychological help. He could have any number of disorders that causes him to lash out and displace his anger. Once he's in therapy ( possibly on medication and getting better) I think you should go into couples counseling together to solve his attachment issues. Also, let your folks know what is going on and that help is being gotten. They will understand. Don't bring a child into this world unless you are completely ready. It will only makes things more difficult. So, to sum up, 1) get him help for his possible disorders 2) get help together 3) stop trying for a child. Hope this helps.

[Fr_Chuck]

You know I don't believe in abortion for any reason but you did not ever need a child with this person.

And he has you in a victim mentality, you say all of the great things about him, but he is not any of those things, he is an abuser and controler, he needs seroius help, professional help and you both need, in addition to his treatment , marriage counseling.

Now to be honest I am sure he will never agree, men like this want the control and will never give itup, and if just in counseling alone will often just lie and say what they are suppose to but never really change.

You should stop him, period, any negative thing, tell him no, he is not allowed to talk like that. Stand up for yourself NOW.

[JBeaucaire]

I'm not sure you need to divorce him, but you do need to separate to wake his butt up. Calm and matter-of-fact "I'm willing to do whatever work is required to help us make this marriage work AND you stop being an a$sh0le, but I'm not willing to be treated this way like it's OK. It's not, and you actually know that. So, I'm getting a place of my own and you can decide if you can remember what it's like to 'woo' someone. You need to 'woo' me and when I come back to you, you better not ever stop wooing me again. Here's my new address, call me when you calm down."