[friend4u178]

He just called and i didnt answer. I decided to move back to my country without telling him

Good for you , I think that's the right decision. You have an obligation to your daughter to bring her up in a safe and happy environment , which this situation isn't.

[starbuck8]

He just called and i didnt answer. I decided to move back to my country without telling him

I'm sorry that this man turned out to be such a jerk to both you and your baby! Just know that you are so much better off! Set your standards higher, for the good of you and especially your baby, that deserves to grow up with a male figure in her life that loves her and will welcome her as his own. You haven't mentioned anything about your baby's father, so I am assuming he is out of your life at this point in time.

If your daughters' father is willing to step up and take responsibility, by all means let him be in her life. I'm only saying this if he is a safe and secure person to be around her. Otherwise, cut your losses, and try and find a decent man who will stick around and be willing to be a real father and set an example for your little girl, and respect you, and be proud to introduce you to his family and friends. Don't settle for anything less!

I'm happy to hear your decision, and I wish you and your daughter all the best luck and life that is ahead of you! :)

[AustProd6]

I'd say he's looking for reconcilliation with his ex, and you are just convenient.

[Chery]

Im from South America, I moved to the US 7 months ago and I dont have any family or friens here. I used to rent a place before moving to his city

Honey, no matter where you are from, you now are a mother of a US Citizen and you should do your best to find a safe and secure environment and a job to independently pay the rent and bills. It is your responsibility to take care of your child's need first - you opted to keep it, so the responsibility goes along with it.

You can probably find a shelter where they can help you seek a place to live and a job. Then, you could also find a single-parent group - and believe me, there are single dads also - and might be able to make friends, share babysitting time so that you can go out now and then and find new friends. There are many possibilities, just go ask or look for them and stop thinking that this 'dude' will eventually make your future all better. Your future and that of your daughter's is in your hands and the more secure and independent you get, the better choices you can make in the men you choose to have in your life from now on.

If you do leave before he gets back, at least leave him a letter letting him know that you could not live the way he expected you to and that he should get his life in order.

Again, good luck - and don't be too proud to ask for assistance wherever it is available for you and your daughter.

[sully123]

What made you come to America and just leave your family? You have nothing to be ashamed of, you have a beautiful baby girl? Just leave the boyfriend behind, and think of you and your daughter, that's what important now, not him, you. But I still believe you should confront him once and for all, and get it out in the open. Don't know if you will get truthful answers, he seems a bit too shady for me. I go to South America and forget you ever met him. Don't let him bring you down, you seem like your heading in the right direction now... Good luck and keep us posted..

[blubblub]

Hey Xim just read your last post... Hope you stick to your guns and do what you say. I've read all the replys and they all speak sense... I say again good luck and my best wishes:)

[Ximenita]

What made you come to America and just leave your family? You have nothing to be ashamed of, you have a beautiful baby girl? Just leave the boyfriend behind, and think of you and your daughter, that's what important now, not him, you. But I still believe you should confront him once and for all, and get it out in the open. Don't know if you will get truthful answers, he seems a bit too shady for me. I go to South America and forget you ever met him. Don't let him bring you down, you seem like your heading in the right direction now... Good luck and keep us posted..

I came to America running away from my baby's father, he didn't want to have the baby and told me that if I did he would take her from me. So I told him I wasn't going to have tha baby. Ill probably leave a note to my boyfriend esplaning why I left.

[Chery]

Good for you my dear. It's always better to make a 'clean' break.

I sincerely wish all the best for you and your daughter - and please remember that we are here for you when you feel you need to talk to someone.

Hope the road to your future is blessed with success and happiness!

[nikosmom]

She would get full custody because he's a married man. You're dating a married man. Separated is "cloak and dagger" terminology for "not really available".

Knowing that, it makes perfect sense. You're not as important to him as his kids, and that's the way it should be. You are endangering his link to his kids. Is that OK with you? Really?

If you're continuing to date him suddenly put your daughter at risk, would you keep doing it? Forget why/how it endangers her, just pretend it did. Would you date a married man if doing so risked you losing your daughter?

Until they get divorced and an official legal decree outlines his rights as a joint-custody parent, he is at the mercy of his wife's good graces. THAT'S WHY HE'S HIDING YOU.

Now, stop pretending this is hard to understand. This is the situation you've chosen. If you love this guy you will help him protect his relationship to his children. You're a parent. You know that.

THIS IS BRILLIANT!!
How long in total has this been going on? You said you met when you were 8 months pregnant, but how long ago was that exactly? I think what you should do is focus on YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER. If the relationship with this guy is the real deal, it'll be there waiting AFTER his divorce is final. You have to ask yourself, is this really OK with you? From your posts, it doesn't sound like it is. You sound like you WANT to be part of his whole life, not just every other week. But right now, give your daughter a stable home life. Get yourself together and everything else will fall into place. But leave the married man alone. It does sound like he's being a bit manipulative by forcing you to hide and then begging you to stick around. If he's doing it to protect his relationship with his kids, which is understandable, it still ends of making you feel bad and that's not the way relationships are supposed to be. Leave him alone and let him work out his problems with his WIFE first.

[Ximenita]

Thank you all for your comments. I've been seeing him for 5 months now. My baby is 4 months. And yes, Im leaving him. He won't find me when he gets back from his vacation next week. I'll leave him a note explaining why I left.

[fjsmith81]

I started reading through all of the posts and I have to ask if the man that you are talking about is white? I know that you are from south america and if he won't let you meet his friends family and neighbors then he might be hiding you because you are not white. And I know it is horrible to think like that, but unfortunately my dear there are people like that. I mean if you have seen the divorce decree and the custody information then you know that him being married is not a reason. He would have to endanger the kids or do something like smoke crack around the kids for the ex to even change the outline of the custody agreement. So that's not a reason. Think about it why would his neighbors, family members, or his friends go back to his ex and tell him anything about his relationship with you?

I truly hope that is not the reason, but after reading all of the info that you gave so far that is the one thing that I could think of. Good luck with your baby

[Ximenita]

Yes, he is white and yes, I thought that me being hispanic could be the reason and I asked him, he told me no, of course, but I think that could be a strong reason for him to hide me. He said first it was his kids and then his mom, she wouldn't understand the fact that he started dating me when I was pregnant and she wouldn't like the fact that Im a single mom. But when we go to the store he keeps himself away from me and tries to hide, he asked me to hide from his ex wife and his neighbors cannot see me. I don't understand why, Im a good person, Im good looking and Im nice to everyone.

[JBeaucaire]

Anyone who acts like you're one of "those" people and then tries to blame it on other's racial biases is fooling himself. He's one of "those" people, he's buying into it whole-heartedly. THOSE people should be looked down on the way they look down on others. It's the world they understand.

Walk away, and if he persists in asking why tell him "your people" don't understand him or his people. "Your people" are accepting of everyone, him and his people have crazy ideas who's acceptable and who's not. "Your people" and his people can't mix. You don't have time for crazy.

[sully123]

Please Ximentian, get away from this man, the more I read what you say about him the more he makes me sick to my stomach. He even stays away from you in a grocery store. THis man has way too many issues. PLEASE GO HOME TO YOUR FAMILY AND GET AWAY FROM HIM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. He is a waste of your time. IT's not love, when your in love with someone, you are proud to be with that person. Don't waste another minute with him, you deserve someone so much better. He is bringing you way down.. You have everything, you have your daughter. Please keep your dignity and respect.

[liz28]

Remember even if you don't want to go back home, due to the father, like Chery said you can stay here because their plenty of help out their for you and child and support groups as well. Contact any non-for-profit agency or social service in the state of your choice, but stay on the tracks your headed and leave him alone. You don't owe him any explanations to your not wanting to be bother. Don't answer his calls and if possible change your number. I bet he was ashamed of you while your was between th sheets, if there was any physical encounters.

[fjsmith81]

All right I knew I was onto something. Sweetheart I have been in the very situation that you are in. Probably not to that extent, but I am a black woman that has a child by a white man and dates white men. (let me add not strictly I am very open minded so I don't really see race, but that is the majority of men that approach me) Anyway, what I see from all of your posts is that you are trying to make every excuse except the obvious one. If you thought so strongly about race being a factor why didn't you admit it initially? I think that you know that is the reason why you are being hidden, but you just don't want to admit it to yourself. I don't know but you are probably trapped in a situation where he has the money to take care of you and your baby so far and you're probably scared to see what else is out there. You're in a different country with no friends and family here and you can't go back home for whatever the reason. And I think you told on yourself because I think you said that you left him then you said that you were going to leave him a note which tells me that you are still there. I know that you probably think that you love him, but you probably don't. Like I said he is someone there to support you and your daughter and you probably thought any man that is going to be there for you when you are eight months pregnant is a good man that loves you, but he doesn't cause if he did he would not care what anyone said to him about you, he wouldn't want to be seen without you, and moreover he would probably eliminate the people that had a problem with your relationship from his life. If it's a money issue which it probably is don't leave in a rush because it is definitely not the best thing for you and your baby. Welfare and government agancies are not the answer people. Stay long enough to get on your feet, pretend like nothing is wrong and you are happy with the situation. And after you have saved enough money to get an apartment and to survive on your own for awhile, THAT'S WHEN YOU LEAVE. I know what I am talking about like I said I have been in your shoes. You need to build yourself esteem and realize that you are above being hidden and you deserve to be seen.
Good luck

[Ximenita]

I think you're so right fjsmith81. Maybe in the back of my mind I know that's the reason, but I didn't want to admit it. I asked him many times if he had a problem about me being hispanic and he denied it. But everythime there's a different excuse. He made me feel so small, I really don't need him. Why he doesn't date a white woman, then?

[Ximenita]

I feel like myself esteem is below the ground. I feel like Alf, it will probably take a long time to rebuild it.

[fjsmith81]

I think youre so right fjsmith81. Maybe in the back of my mind i know thats the reason, but I didnt want to admit it. I asked him many times if he had a problem about me being hispanic and he denied it. But everythime theres a different excuse. He made me feel so small, I really dont need him. Why he doesnt date a white woman, then?

The reason he doesn't date white women is because you are probably his fantasy. He has probably had a thing for spanish women his whole life. Let me tell you something though guys usually don't want to marry or have a long term relationship with his fantasy. Men and women that have families that don't want them to date someone of a different race usually don't care to be seen with them if they are good people. But I would safely say that he shares the same views as his family and friends if he is hiding you.

Btw who's to say that he is not dating a white woman or on the prowl for a white woman while he is with you?

[fjsmith81]

I feel like my self esteem is below the ground. I feel like Alf, it will probably take a long time to rebuild it.

Don't let it discourage you. It sucks that there are people in this world that are like that, but there is nothing that you can do except take care of yourself. You should really take my advice. Situations like this are what makes us stronger. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. You are not the problem he is. I know it's easier said than done, but like I said before I have been in your shoes.