[Emeraldgreen7]

My Husband and I have been married for 23 years. We have always had an incredible sex life often having sex at least 4 times a week on average. We have always been very open about fantasies,etc. and keep a porn movie for occasional use when our son is out of house. In the past on a few occasions I have found magazines(porn) stashed away and we have talked about viewing it together. I explained that we could also keep mags or anything he wanted as long as we enjoy it together. He agreed fully. Recently I found a pic of 2 naked women together in his garage office and was extremely, emotionally upset. We spent an entire week talking about this due to my urging. He said he only looks at it once in awhile and doesn't have a problem. He also knows he was hiding it and that means we weren't viewing it together. I enjoy porn myself, just not without him. Iv'e been beside myself ever since finding it. He says it's not worth losing me so he'll never do it again. Lots of the guys at his work keep them in the trucks and now I feel like he'll look whenever he can. I also don't know how long or often he's been doing this. The biggest issue is we have a pact, We share together! Please help!

[smoothy]

Well, don't worry about it so much for one thing. I commend you for keeping an open mind about it in general so why make such a large issue of a couple mags. Perhaps look at it this way... have you ever bought a purse, shoes or something you didn't bother to tell him about? Was there any malice intended when you did? It does come across as controlling behaviour at least in how the post is worded.

[southerngalps]

I think as long as he's faithfull to you, that's all that matters, and you might be too over concerned about the picture. I would trust in him that he said he won't do it again because you aren't fond of it.:)

[Fr_Chuck]

I think everyone needs to have some private time and some private items, If this is all he has I think he deserves a little private fantizy time as long as that is all it is.

[Choux]

I think you are being way too controlling.

Everyone needs their own private part of their lives... their own private thoughts, their own private actions. He sounds like a good guy.. rejoice, don't complain!

Best wishes, :)

[J_9]

Recently I found a pic of 2 naked women together in his garage office

I have never seen a garage or a garage office without pics of naked or half naked women. It's a guy thing.

[kp2171]

I cannot tell you what is right for you or your relationship. That is completely your call.

Chances are, if you found a few things, there might be more. On the other side... there are women who would KILL to be married to a man who gave them a wonderful sexual experience 4 times a week after two decades of marriage.

Seriously. I hope you know what you have... however "imperfect" it is.

I understand your feeling of betrayal. Its mentioned over and over here on the boards... but usually from women who are neglected completely.

As long as what he has viewed is legal and within your mindset morally OK... meaning it doesn't violate some basic tennet of yours... id say let the man indulge now and then in peripheral visual stimulation as long as he is an attentive lover and a good mate.

Guys are visual apes. We are idiots about it.

To put it in perspective perhaps... last week I had a sprinkler system running on a public land that is adjacent to mine... one that I've landscaped and tended to over the last few years. I went out back to turn off the system and I spotted a beaufiful, curvy young woman walking down the path adjacent to this land. Seeing this gorgeous woman at a distance, and knowing the sprinkler might get her wet, I rushed like mad to my house to shut off the water. Then I walked back to the path to see if she were still there. I had no intention of seduction, just wanting to see her.

Turned out that beautiful woman was my wife... whod slipped onto the path a few houses back and was coming by to inspect my work wearing new clothes id never seen before.

In this case... the object of my inflammed imagination was my betrothed, which makes for a cute story on our side. Whenever she wears that outfit ill tease her for copying that cute girl I saw. Shell tease me for scampering off to not get a young woman wet.

Point is... if id known it was my wife, would I have scampered? Sure... but I might not have had the who-is-that drive. Doesn't mean I don't love her or that I'm not attracted to her. I'm just an idiot who likes what he likes.

That your man had viewed other women visually isn't proof he is lost from you. My partner has erotica she stores in a special drawer. That she's excited by it doesn't bother me at all. That she has a cute pink vibe doesn't upset me. As long as she seems attentive and engaged in the bedroom... things are fine.

I don't care that she flirts with other men sometimes. I don't care that she loves erotica. I don't care that she checks out the guy at the restaurant with the long, slim build and the tight arse. As long as she channels that energy into me, its OK.

I can't tell you what's OK for you... but honestly... if you don't want him, there are a lot of others who will.

Unless there are other issues... id take great pleasure in that he can see other women he might even desire and still performs great in bed with you so often.

[Emeraldgreen7]

I appreciate everyone's opinions whether I agree or not. Please keep in mind I don't want too control my Husband. We view porn together and enjoy it. I've told him we could just as well look at magazines too. But he states that he don't want or need them, that he enjoys watching movies with me. Also keep in mind how open we are with each other except for this. The biggest pill too swallow is that we made a pact too view and enjoy porn together. I have always loved sex as well as him. I am in my forties, 5'5 and 125 ponds. Most people think I'm in my 30's easy. I was a previous model in fact. The hardest thing for me I guess is knowing he is viewing, if not masterbating with me at times. Although he denies masterbating. I assured him that he can do anything he wants with me, just please do it together. I know also fear him doing this in the future were he is around it at his job at times. Please read my first post and then this one and tell me, Is there anyone out there that feels the same way? What can't a sexual experience remain between 2 committed,willing partners? Thank you to anyone who applies. By the way I love my husband very much, after all we've been together 23 years.

[J_9]

Threads merged.

[twinkiedooter]

Emerald - let's be realistic here for a second, okay? After 23 years of being together doing everything together sex picture wise - are one or two pictures going to really make a huge difference in the way you two feel about each other? NO. Maybe he liked that picture(s) and wished to view it a few more times by himself. Do you invite him to watch you douche or shave your underarms? Sure hope not. (And that was not to be considered a rude comment either - just a comparison to show you how silly you are making a mountain out of an ant hill here). Let the man have a few minutes to himself once in awhile, okay?

[kp2171]

I don't usually speak for others, but yes... there are members here who have stated what you feel... as well as others who feel very differently.

My partner absolutely loves sensual pictures of men and women when its well done. Good composition. Good lighting. She loves it.

That said, were I to have a stash of beautiful women hidden aside, shed be ticked. A good friend is married to a woman who doesn't care what he sees, as long as he's faithful and attentive in the bedroom.

Just wanted to state "yes" there have been members here before you who are in that gray area where some external visual stim is fine, just within certain limits... in case those members didn't see this thread.

[sideoutshu]

I think you are being WAY too sensitive. So what if he looks at other women? He's married, not dead.

[hjpan]

Atleast he's not screwing other girls behind your back.

[astrogurl]

After reading this post and the answers to it I think people are missing a VITAL point of what is making her upset with the situation.

They made a pact, which for those of you who don't understand is a promise between two people that they could enjoy porn as long as it was together. He has LIED to her, HIDDEN it and therefore betrayed her trust.

It's not just over a few pictures, but the fact that he has lied and kept secrets. This can be very hurtful and damaging to someone.

I understand how you feel honey... I am very open to watching porn with my boyfriend. I guess you could say you are luckier than I am cause mine would prefer to watch it alone than watch it with me at all... :-( Yet he has betrayed my trust time and time again. People keep on saying "it's just a few pictures" or "he's a man... they all do it", but it doesn't give them the right to lie and keep secrets. Honestly is key to a healthy relationship, but apparently it's okay to lie and hide porn usage - even when your woman is supportive of it.

I REALLY feel for you because sometimes as a woman it seems no matter how attentive you are to your man's needs it's NEVER enough. That's just how it feels for some of us anyway.

One thing that I have noticed reading other people's posts is that when it's banned it can become more appealing and they will find more genius ways to hide it. Something I am beginning to do and it may be helpful for you, but concentrate on your own sexuality. Maybe start watching it on your own. He can so why can't you? Look at things that maybe turn you on, but that your husband isn't into.

I haven't been married before and my longest relationship is 5 years so I can't comment on long term sexual relationships in marriage, but it's not like your denying him looking at all. If you were I would understand his behaviour.

[smoothy]

After reading this post and the answers to it I think people are missing a VITAL point of what is making her upset with the situation.

They made a pact, which for those of you who don't understand is a promise between two people that they could enjoy porn as long as it was together. He has LIED to her, HIDDEN it and therefore betrayed her trust.

It's not just over a few pictures, but the fact that he has lied and kept secrets. This can be very hurtful and damaging to someone.

I understand how you feel honey... I am very open to watching porn with my boyfriend. I guess you could say you are luckier than I am cause mine would prefer to watch it alone than watch it with me at all... :-( Yet he has betrayed my trust time and time again. People keep on saying "it's just a few pictures" or "he's a man... they all do it", but it doesn't give them the right to lie and keep secrets. Honestly is key to a healthy relationship, but apparently it's okay to lie and hide porn usage - even when your woman is supportive of it.

I REALLY feel for you because sometimes as a woman it seems no matter how attentive you are to your man's needs it's NEVER enough. That's just how it feels for some of us anyway.

One thing that I have noticed reading other people's posts is that when it's banned it can become more appealing and they will find more genius ways to hide it. Something I am beginning to do and it may be helpful for you, but concentrate on your own sexuality. Maybe start watching it on your own. He can so why can't you?! Look at things that maybe turn you on, but that your husband isn't into.

I haven't been married before and my longest relationship is 5 years so I can't comment on long term sexual relationships in marriage, but it's not like your denying him looking at all. If you were I would understand his behaviour.

Nobody missed the fact that she is very controlling about that he can have porn if she knows about it. I mean step back and take a look at this. Exactly what position is she as an adult to demand another adualt does exactly everything she demands? Lets put that on the other foot and make it a man that's doing the demanding about where she goes and who she talks to. See where this is going now?

[astrogurl]

Nobody missed the fact that she is very controlling about that he can have porn if she knows about it. I mean step back and take a look at this. Exactly what position is she as an adult to demand another adualt does exactly everything she demands? Lets put that on the otehr foot and make it a man thats doing the demanding about where she goes and who she talks to. See where this is going now?

Okay... so now we are going to blame her because her husband is spineless and won't be a man and come out and say that he doesn't agree with their pact?! She said they agreed that HE COULD LOOK AT WHATEVER HE WANTS as long as it was together. Therefore, HE has control of the content! So he's not entirely a controlled victim like you seem to make out. If he didn't agree he should've stepped up and said so! He could've said NO! Instead of DECEIVING her! It may be in part that she is controlling, that could well be the case, and I'm not ruling your suggestion out. However, he should've been a man and not a mouse and disagreed if he felt this way.

[smoothy]

Okay... so now we are going to blame her because her husband is spineless and won't be a man and come out and say that he doesn't agree with their pact?!?!? She said they agreed that HE COULD LOOK AT WHATEVER HE WANTS as long as it was together. Therefore, HE has control of the content! So he's not entirely a controlled victim like you seem to make out. If he didn't agree he should've stepped up and said so! He could've said NO! Instead of DECEIVING her! It may be in part that she is controlling, that could well be the case, and I'm not ruling your suggestion out. However, he should've been a man and not a mouse and disagreed if he felt this way.

He's an adult, he doesn't have to answer to the queen of the house for every single thing he does.

She most certainly does stuff he doesn't like, and I am certain she doesn't tell him every single thing she does and every single cent she spends.

Exactly what right does she have to be controlling? I'll bet he didn't just step up and say no because she might be the type that goes postal any time she gets second guessed or contradicted. I'm not saying she is, but I've seen enough women that are exactly like that to know its not at all rare.

If it comes down to keeping quiet about something or having a pissing match over every single thing every single day most people will just do it and keep quiet.

[JudyKayTee]

He's an adult, he doesn't have to answer to the queen of the house for every single thing he does.

She most certainly does stuff he doesn't like, and I am certain she doesn't tell him every single thing she does and every single cent she spends.

Exactly what right does she have to be controlling? I'll bet he didn't just step up and say no because she might be the type that goes postal any time she gets second guessed or contradicted. I'm not saying she is, but I've seen enough women that are exactly like that to know its not at all rare.

If it comes down to keeping quiet about something or having a pissing match over every single thing every single day most people will just do it and keep quiet.

I am right in the middle of both sides here - I find a huge controlling aspect in: "I explained that we could also keep mags or anything he wanted as long as we enjoy it together." She explained? They didn't discuss and agree - or disagree? OP goes on to say he didn't want to lose her and so - sounds like an over reaction and emotional blackmail

Then OP found a picture of 2 women together and was upset all over again.

Maybe what he wants to see and what she wants to see are two different things - maybe he doesn't show the porno to her or discuss it with her for fear of this reaction. He wants to see women together (or men with sheep or whatever) and she does not and he's afraid (based on this reaction) that she will decide he's some pervert and leave.

However - if he said he wouldn't look at porno without her and he has he's lied to her, well, I think little lies lead to big lies. Once you can't trust your partner's word, well, then who can be trusted?

I also think - concerning the accounting for every penny she spends and may not tell him about - if she promised to account for every penny and did/does not, then she is lying to him, the same way he is lying to her if he promised not to look at porno without her and did.

Do I think she's overacting? Sure. Would I be jealous of pictures of other women? No. Would I care if he looked at porno? No. It's not where they get their appetite, it's where they satisfy it that counts. Would I be upset if my husband made a promise and didn't keep it - sure.

[astrogurl]

I am right in the middle of both sides here - I find a huge controlling aspect in: "I explained that we could also keep mags or anything he wanted as long as we enjoy it together." She explained? They didn't discuss and agree - or disagree? OP goes on to say he didn't want to lose her and so - sounds like an over reaction and emotional blackmail

Then OP found a picture of 2 women together and was upset all over again.

Maybe what he wants to see and what she wants to see are two different things - maybe he doesn't show the porno to her or discuss it with her for fear of this reaction. He wants to see women together (or men with sheep or whatever) and she does not and he's afraid (based on this reaction) that she will decide he's some pervert and leave.

However - if he said he wouldn't look at porno without her and he has he's lied to her, well, I think little lies lead to big lies. Once you can't trust your partner's word, well, then who can be trusted?

I also think - concerning the accounting for every penny she spends and may not tell him about - if she promised to account for every penny and did/does not, then she is lying to him, the same way he is lying to her if he promised not to look at porno without her and did.

Do I think she's overacting? Sure. Would I be jealous of pictures of other women? No. Would I care if he looked at porno? No. It's not where they get their appetite, it's where they satisfy it that counts. Would I be upset if my husband made a promise and didn't keep it - sure.

Exactly! A lie is a lie no matter how big or small. Her being controlling is NO excuse for lying no matter what it is about. I suppose you can say he is luckier than other men whose wives won't even go near porn. Yes I believe she may have definitely responded in a way that instinctively made him hide it. Lack of or ineffective communication is still one of the leading causes of divorce so I think they need to sit down on equal ground and talk it through, rather than they BOTH accept terms of a relationship they are not happy with. I believe the term is compromise. He is probably making some ASSUMPTIONS of what he can share and cannot (in terms of content they are both comfortable with). She wasn't specific about whether she was upset over the content or just the lie - especially because she said "we could also keep mags or anything he wanted". Being open and honest about needs and wants is very important or there is always someone that ends up hurt or unsatisfied. It he wants to look at it alone he needs to express this to her in a non threatening manner and she needs to respond the same way.

In terms of the controlling factor though that both previous posters mentioned. For every controlling female out there there is a controlling male. Both sexes are just as bad as each other when it comes to this. For example, the other day we got our phone bill and my partner wanted to know why I called my best friend at 5:38pm the previous week and what we talked about. I had no problems telling him exactly why and what we talked about - WITHOUT lies, hiding anything, or being defensive. I didn't take offense cause I know the sort of person he is and what he needs from me. I also speak to him BEFORE I make any purchases that are not out of necessity - he doesn't ask for this, but our financial situation isn't great so I do it out of respect.

There is no problem when BOTH partners are willing to make adjustments to improve on the relationship. She will definitely need to consider this when speaking to her husband.

[smoothy]

Exactly! A lie is a lie no matter how big or small. Her being controlling is NO excuse for lying no matter what it is about. I suppose you can say he is luckier than other men whose wives won't even go near porn. Yes I believe she may have definitely responded in a way that instinctively made him hide it. Lack of or ineffective communication is still one of the leading causes of divorce so I think they need to sit down on equal ground and talk it through, rather than they BOTH accept terms of a relationship they are not happy with. I believe the term is compromise. He is probably making some ASSUMPTIONS of what he can share and cannot (in terms of content they are both comfortable with). She wasn't specific about whether she was upset over the content or just the lie - especially because she said "we could also keep mags or anything he wanted". Being open and honest about needs and wants is very important or there is always someone that ends up hurt or unsatisfied. It he wants to look at it alone he needs to express this to her in a non threatening manner and she needs to respond the same way.

In terms of the controlling factor though that both previous posters mentioned. For every controlling female out there there is a controlling male. Both sexes are just as bad as each other when it comes to this. For example, the other day we got our phone bill and my partner wanted to know why I called my best friend at 5:38pm the previous week and what we talked about. I had no problems telling him exactly why and what we talked about - WITHOUT lies, hiding anything, or being defensive. I didn't take offense cause I know the sort of person he is and what he needs from me. I also speak to him BEFORE I make any purchases that are not out of necessity - he doesn't ask for this, but our financial situation isn't great so I do it out of respect.

There is no problem when BOTH partners are willing to make adjustments to improve on the relationship. She will definitely need to consider this when speaking to her husband.

I don't like or appologize for controlling behavious from either side. I see it as a sign of emotional immaturity to feel the need to control others.

Now if its your kids... then that's fine as long as they are living on your dime and under your roof.

But a spouse or partner? Nope. If you can't trust them or deal with minor things you may not like then grow up or move on. They have to deal with your idiosyncracies as well. Everyone has them.