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Tonya Joe · Jun 30, 2008, 08:24 PM

A year ago my husband and I found out that he could not have children. His best friend came to us and volunteered to be a donor. We accepted. Shortly there after he and his wife started to have some problems, as to my husband and I did as well. His best friend and I become very close, we would text on occasion and bonded over baby details. One thing led to another, and before we knew it, we were both involved in a 6 month affair. We felt horrible and stopped it. It wasn't just sex, we would text on the phone all night at times, kissed for what seemed like hours on end, we formed a true emotional bond. That was a year ago, neither of us ever mentioned it, and we didn't talk about it. A few days ago a mutual friend grabbed me and told me that he has known about it all along, and so has everyone else. Apparently we were different around each other and folks pickd up on it. At first I tried to deny it, but it was impossible to do, he really did know. Although he swears that he will never say a word, I am scared to death that after all this time, this is going to come out. I don't know what to do, he says he si ging to deny it completely, but I don't know if I could lie to my husband if asked. Should I be worried?

ISneezeFunny · Jun 30, 2008, 08:30 PM

I'm going to spare the long comment... as I'm sure others will respond with volumes.

To answer your only question: should you be worried?

Yes. However, not what you're actually worried about. You're asking if you should be worried about being caught... but you should ACTUALLY be worried about hurting your husband's feelings and what it could mean for your relationship in the future. You should also worry about how this may affect the child.

Tonya Joe · Jun 30, 2008, 08:35 PM

Originally Posted by Tonya Joe

A year ago my husband and I found out that he could not have children. His bestfriend came to us and volunteered to be a donor. We accepted. shortly there after he and his wife started to have some problems, as to my husband and I did as well. His bestfriend and I become very close, we would text on occassion and bonded over baby details. One thing led to another, and before we knew it, we were both involved in a 6 month affair. We felt horrible and stopped it. It wasn't just sex, we would text on the phone all night at times, kissed for what seemed like hours on end, we formed a true emotional bond. That was a year ago, neither of us ever mentioned it, and we didn't talk about it. A few days ago a mutual friend grabbed me and told me that he has known about it all along, and so has everyone else. Apparently we were different around each other and folks pickd up on it. at first I tried to deny it, but it was impossible to do, he really did know. Although he swears that he will never say a word, I am scared to death that after all this time, this is going to come out. I don't know what to do, he says he si ging to deny it completely, but i don't know if I could lie to my husband if asked. Should I be worried?

Thank you.. I am more worried about my husbands feelings than anything to be honest. There is no child yet, and I am afraid to continue to use this individual as a donor now. It is my own fault and I knew what I was getting into, I just cannot believe that I let this happen. My husband would be devistated. He already has trust issues. I just don't know how this could be made so it isn't that bad, and somehow he would understand? I doubt it

ShaWashington · Jun 30, 2008, 08:38 PM

Deny it to the end. The truth is selfish. It is told to make ourselves feel better about the wrong we have done. You should hold it in until you hurt so unbearably,then hold it some more. Once you tell the truth you will be relieved and you don't deserve relief. So you have to ask yourself are you worried because of what will happen to you or how your husband will feel. If everyone else picked up on it then he did too. He probably knows and hasn't said anything so who are you to ruin it. Stop being selfish and suck it up. Then pray.

ISneezeFunny · Jun 30, 2008, 08:45 PM

ShaWashington: in some cases, I would go with "deny til you die"... in SOME cases. For example, if I dated a girl for 2 weeks, and then had a drunken one night stand with another girl. Then... deny until I die.

However, she's MARRIED to this man and she is hoping to spend the rest of her life with this guy... in this case, "deny til she dies" doesn't really apply. Her friends already knowing this isn't going to help her case in denying. And if her friends know what's going on, I'm sure the husband's picked up on it and just hasn't said anything about it.

Tonya joe: there's no way that you can "make this so it isn't that bad".. it's almost like saying, "how can I turn this murder charge into a manslaughter charge?" Yes... that was an extreme example, but it's true. I'm not sure how you'll approach this... if you'll admit this to your husband and pray that you two can work it out, or if you'll just sleep on it until it does come out (I have a feeling it will come out... if your friends know it... there's no way that this'll stay buried forever) but if it does come out, I suggest that you own up to it, apologize, and do your best to work through it.

Denying it while everyone else knows is kind of like r kelly saying, "It wasn't me"... it may help diffuse it for a little while, but it isn't going to get you far.

Tonya Joe · Jun 30, 2008, 08:51 PM

I am not worried about me, although it may have come out like that... I am worried that when this comes out... my husband would be devastaed beyond recovery. I don't think I could live with myself if that happens. I truly do love him, I made the stupidst most ridiculous decisions along the way, and the sad thing is, I am a really good honest person. I have no idea how I got here. ALthogh at the time I must admit I probably would have done anything to give my husband a child.

ShaWashington · Jun 30, 2008, 09:03 PM

ISneezeFunny: I know she's married. She should suffer and agonize over what she has done. The husband knows-- that's why he has trust issues. She knew her relationship was already strained.. why add more? Also, so what if other people know because unlike R.Kelly if you don't have me on camera I'm denying it,but I'm not married so I can do as I please. But.. when I'm in relationships I am faithful because I gave you my word as a woman that we are together as a couple. My credit is jacked,so when you don't have credit all you have is your word... I keep my word. I have seen too many broken homes over foolishness like "ohh poor me and my marriage..i'm gonna commit adultery". So I have no sympathy, but it's not up to me. It's between her and GOD. BUT at the same time.. she did ask.

Synnen · Jun 30, 2008, 09:21 PM

God has nothing to do with it.

Living with her actions has to do with it.

And frankly--he's going to find out anyway, whether she tells him or not. A secret is only a secret if only ONE person knows it.

He has trust issues either from something else entirely, or because he KNOWS the two people closest to him betrayed him. Either way, lying isn't going to help with trust issues.

I'd say to tell him, and then leave the ball in his court. Confessing isn't going to make you feel any better or any worse--but if you're ALREADY having marriage problems, it WILL make for total honesty--and you NEED honesty and trust and communication to make things work.

As for saving your marriage after you confess--no guarantees. Some people think cheating--of ANY kind--is a total deal-breaker. Some people love enough and are willing to forgive to make it work. I have no idea which type of person your husband is.

Either way--I suggest marriage counseling to get through this. Your husband already knows something is up--or WAS up, or whatever. He may not know the details, but really--it'll be better coming from you than from some random person on the street.