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OIF2Vet · Jun 29, 2008, 02:55 AM

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We have to beautiful daughters.About 5 weeks ago she told me that she has been unhappy for the last year or so. This is the first time she has come to me with this. I do admit we have had our ups and downs but nothing I thought was to major. She then tells me she needs to think and that she was going to stay with her mom that lives in the same town as us for awhile. From that point on she has been going out almost every night. I tried to peak with her but she seemed more interested in going out with friends and partying. This last Monday she came to the house and we started to talk and she stated that she has fallen out of love with me and that it was over. I pleaded with her and even brought up counselling which she said no to and that it wouldn't work. After getting her mom involved she finally agreed to counselling. Through a military programs we get up to 6 sessions free. She said if it doesn't work then is it over. I am afraid that 6 might not be enough.

For the last week my parents who live a ways away have taken our daughters for the week. Last night we went to pick them up together and the four of us went out to eat. After that she stated how awful she felt for eating so much. SO awful that she dropped us off at the house and hardly even gave the girls a goodbye. She said she was going to her moms to sleep since she felt that way. Well she came over this mourning and proceeded to tell me that after she left her dad called and she met him at a bar . That turned into a few beers with some friends. Then they all went to another bar and partied until it closed then she went with a couple of them back to have a house party. It was just her and 3 or 4 guys. After that she said she went to a house that she is housesitting for a coworker that is out of town and slept there. She said nothing happened. She also asked me not to say anything to here mom so her mom wouldn't get mad. My main problem with all of this I not so much the fun she is having but all of it while we have these issues. I am trying so hard for her to see things can change. We did have our first session on Thurs. and this all happened last night on Fri. Since we live in her home town she has her mom and dad and all her friends. The only real friends that I have are a couple and the wife of that couple is her best friend and they are usually the ones she is partying with. I on the other hand don't have anybody that I can talk face to face with. So I sit at home and am way beyond miserable.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I DO LOVE HER AND Don't WANT TO LOSE HER but she makes it seem like she doesn't want to try.

starbuck8 · Jun 29, 2008, 03:25 AM

Well, I have to say that your wife's story sounds VERY shady to me! No married, faithful, trustworthy, respectful woman would be spending her time alone with 3 or 4 single men.

My ex started to do things like this, and I wish I would've listened to my gut feeling, the minute I got it. Your gut usually tells you when something just isn't right. All of the common signs are staring you right in the face. She's cheating on you my dear, or if she hasn't already, she is sure thinking about it.

I realise that you love her, and want to fix this, but you have to look at the reality of it. She says she's fallen out of love with you. Very common excuse when someone doesn't want to come right out with it and say "I'm cheating on you" She is always going out, she "says" she is staying at her mom's, she is asking you not to say anything to her mom, she is "house sitting" for a co-worker, she is going to parties with men, she is making excuses, and ignoring your daughters. How much more proof do you need?

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but wake up buddy! It is so obvious that she is lying and cheating. Do you really want to be in that kind of relationship? She is playing you like a fiddle, and not respecting your vows or your children! It sounds like she is only going to a counsellor because her mother got involved.

I would call her on her behaviour, and I WOULD mention this to her mother. I would bet her mother would tell you that she hasn't even been staying with her at all.

She is taking the easy way out, and being a coward by not telling you the entire truth. I realise that you love and care about her, but do you really want to live your life like this? This is not a good example for your children either. Kids live what they learn, and mommy is not setting a good example!

Good luck to you!

SingingNun · Jun 29, 2008, 08:19 AM

Starbuck has hit the nail on the head.

I have absolutely no doubt that you love this woman, which makes what she is doing even more unbelievable and selfish. It would be nice if people could tear their own lives apart without bringing down the people that love them the most.

I was cheated on by my first fiancée - ten years ago almost. He did the same kind of things and finally I found out what was going on. What is even more unbelievable is that the woman he chose was abusive and actually slapped him once in public while throwing an angry fit. There's wasn't a lot that I could do for him - he had chosen to be with her and as hard as it was he had to make his own choices - not me for him.

If she insists on acting like this then you have to address the situation. You have to decide whether you want your girls to be around this type of behavior. This is very important right now, as custody battles get bitter really fast. But you have to protect your girls.

It's so hard. I wasn't married when I was cheated on, I had been with him for years and it tore my heart out. Here was this man telling me on the phone how much he wanted to marry me while he was driving to met her.

You can chose to continue therapy. If she hasn't cheated and comes back to her senses then there might be a way to mend this. There is always hope - you can never lose sight of that, but at the same time protect your girls and yourself.

OIF2Vet · Jun 29, 2008, 09:19 AM

Ok she did spend most of all day yesterday here with the girls and I. We talked a lot and she states nothing happened do know the guys she was with as she told me who they all were. There is only one that I have ever questioned and she says that he is just starting a relationship with someone else. I also believe that up until this event that she has been staying at her moms.

I did address this with her and it even had me so broke up over it I lost the sub that she brought me. Sorry for the details there. She no matter what denies doing anything at anytime in our marriage. I just would like to see if she was actually going to try and see if we can work it out.

oneangelmom · Jun 29, 2008, 12:09 PM

I have a favorite saying "if there is one thing women know, it's other women"
Your wife does not want to be married. She doesn't want the commitment of a husband and children. She wants something new and different. She is to be pitied. Because, that lifestyle will get real old real fast and she will be left with nothing. If she is cheating, and I have to agree, she either is or wants to be, then she should be grown up enough to admit it. I'm not sure there is anything you can say to her that will make a difference at this point. I'm not even convinced she wants to go to counseling, so don't be surprised if she quits that as well. I'm sorry you have to be on the receiving end of this. There are no words I can think of that will make this better for you, but just know: there will be a happy day again. Inevitably you are going to dwell on this a lot, so be truthful with yourself and imagine what the next several years will be like if your marriage stays as it is.

sd1025 · Jun 30, 2008, 01:58 AM

Get custody of your girls on paper NOW! Say its temporary if you have to but three of my male friends had this happen and they got screwed by custody laws even though t\it was the moms that ran off to party and have fun, the system sides with the mother if you don't get custody as soon as you can you'll finance her relapse into adolecens

N0help4u · Jun 30, 2008, 04:00 AM

I agree with the others, especially oneangelmom. She is tired of the commitment and responsibility and that is what you represent to her.
If she doesn't find it in her heart to work it out there is nothing you can do about it.
It would be like trying to confine a wild animal in a small cage against its will.
She didn't feel good, her dad called and she ended up with some other guys, sounds like a story to me. If I didn't feel good enough to spend time with a spouse and kids I would not have wanted to go out and socialize or drink either.