New and Desprate

Kryc · Apr 12, 2006, 08:53 AM

I am working on my jealousy issues see a counciler today. My problem is my wife has a male friend who she says is a strictly platonic relationship. If you do a Google search on this the frist 10 things is how platonic relationships never work out or they are something more. Also she had a friend at work before this who I heard rumors that they were having an affair. I took them as rumors but one day I saw she had an email account I didn't know about. After a few tries on her password I discuvered that it was the name of the man she was supposedly having an affair with. I read a few emails and they had came up with a code to say I love you. I know this cause I asked her. She told me it was a platonic love and she loved him like a friend and not like me. So I know I have issues but Im sure these don't help any. Now that she has a new guy friend Im worried that Im getting a song and dance story. What do I do?

pab · Apr 12, 2006, 11:08 AM

It doesn't sound like she was ready for marriage and commitment. I do not think it is right that she wants to go dancing with her friends. That is Not appropriate for a married woman. I wouldn't call yourself jealous. Do not confuse jeolousy with her kind of behavior. If children are not involved, move on. Get some personal councilling to reassure that you have normal feelings about the situation. Hang in there.

Depressed in MO · Apr 12, 2006, 01:36 PM

If they are trying to hide it, they are cheating. Trust me...

Krs · Apr 13, 2006, 12:54 AM

Originally Posted by Kryc

I am working on my jealousy issues see a counciler today. My problem is my wife has a male friend who she says is a strictly platonic relationship. If you do a google search on this the frist 10 things is how platonic relationships never work out or they are something more. Also she had a friend at work before this who I heard rumors that they were having an affair. I took them as rumors but one day I saw she had an email account i didn't know about. After a few tries on her password I discuvered that it was the name of the man she was supposedly having an affair with. I read a few emails and they had came up with a code to say I love you. I know this cause I asked her. She told me it was a platonic love and she loved him like a friend and not like me. So I know I have issues but Im sure these don't help any. Now that she has a new guy friend Im worried that Im getting a song and dance story. What do I do?

Now that's bad. That's a new issue arising.
Its not about being jealous. This is something else. If rumours have it that she is cheating, then be careful.
She needs to be honest with you and be upfront. If she is cheating she should own up to her actions.

milliec · Apr 13, 2006, 01:42 AM

You ask "what do I do?"
First of all, you go counselling. You mentioned you already do.
Face to face you can get deeper into the issue, be more detailed about it, and find out:WHY do you label yourself as "jealous"? Where did this idea come up?
Was it yours, or her?
Because, it might, just might be, that she "helped" you get to this conclusion?
It might come handy IF she's cheating on you.
I live far away from you, but the culture here is pretty much the same, from what I know and also read here, on the forum.
Isn't it strange the way she's carrying on, never asking you to join?
And these two relationships with other man?
Looks like a pattern to me.
I think you need help to get over it.
It doesn't look like she feels committed to you.
You must be very careful not to persuade yourself that you love her so much you couldn't be without her! BEWARE!
It seems like you owe something better to yourself, and I'm sure you can get involved in a healthy relationship.
Good Luck,
Millie
:)

DJ 'H' · Apr 13, 2006, 01:51 AM

Originally Posted by Kryc

I am a jealous person this I know. This is also a huge reason that my wife and I fight. She says that the harder I try to stay in our relationship the further I push her away. She wants to go out with her friends dancing at clubs and I dont like it. Im not against her going out with friends I just dont know why she needs to go to single's places. We have separated and are trying to figure out what we want. She wants some space and freedom and I want her. Does what she says make sense to anyone? I want someone who wants to spend a majority of there time with me but I want that person to be my wife. She wants to spend some time with me and the rest doing things that make her happy. What do I do?

I say stop being so selfish. She is not going to "Singles Places" as you put it, she is just being herself and doing things she enjoys doing, she has committed no crime and you should have trust and faith in her. Without trust you have nothing. Trust is essential in any relationship.

Why should she stop being who she is? More importantly why do you not do things you enjoy doing - things that you used to do as an individual?

Too many marriages fail because you forget who you are - things may adapt slightly because you are now one, ut that does not mean you have to lose your individuality - that's what makes us who we are!

If she goes on a night out with the girls, why don't you have a night with the guys? Be yourself! The worst thing to do is smother someone and tell them "I don't want you doing this" and "I don't like you doing that" - that will only push someone away.

She is not doing anything wrong and everyone needs space. I love spending time with my partner and I miss him greatly when he is not with me, but my friends are a big part of my life and have been for a long time, why shouldn't I go out with them? My partner does the very same, he will have nights out with his mates and sometimes we join forces and we all go out together.

You could go out with your partner on occasion - you have to have an equal balance. Just because you are now married does not mean that you automatically stop needing your own space from times, and that your life has to evolve around one person. Its not healthy and only leads to failiure.

My Mum and Dad are prime examples. My Dad currently on his 3rd Marriage and My Mum just separated from her 2nd marriage.

DJ 'H' · Apr 13, 2006, 02:00 AM

Originally Posted by Kryc

I am working on my jealousy issues see a counciler today. My problem is my wife has a male friend who she says is a strictly platonic relationship. If you do a google search on this the frist 10 things is how platonic relationships never work out or they are something more. Also she had a friend at work before this who I heard rumors that they were having an affair. I took them as rumors but one day I saw she had an email account i didn't know about. After a few tries on her password I discuvered that it was the name of the man she was supposedly having an affair with. I read a few emails and they had came up with a code to say I love you. I know this cause I asked her. She told me it was a platonic love and she loved him like a friend and not like me. So I know I have issues but Im sure these don't help any. Now that she has a new guy friend Im worried that Im getting a song and dance story. What do I do?

Don't read too much into this. Paranoia is very unattractive. I have several Male friends who I love as if they were my own family and I would do anything fro them as they would me. They are all like brothers to me; I tell them all the time I love yas - but the love I bear for them, is that of the love I bear for my brother.

My partner knows how much I love him, he knows how much my male friends mean to me, but trusts me and knows that I do not feel for them what I feel for him.

Wildcat21 · Apr 13, 2006, 03:49 PM

Trust me... most guys who are friends with girls want more. Always. ESPECIALLY if they have secret e-mail.

I hate to say it but I definitely think it's an affair - no question. I am sure your GUT tells you this.

You're wife appears to be a cheater and a liar.

Everyone knows what I say about cheaters.

Unfortunately - do you know a good lawyer? I am dead serious. Get to counseling or get a lawyer... but you also have to work on yourself - I AM GLAD you went to a counselor for the jealousy thing - BUT certain people bring out jealousy in people.

Kryc · Apr 13, 2006, 05:55 PM

Well things between me and my wife will most likely not work out. She has gone from wanting to fix it to not a chance. We had already started the divorce and was in the process of getting it done. I have my issues and took some blame for things that I didn't deserve. I am still going to go to the counciler and work on my problems before I start again. THank you everyone for your help and input. I believe this relationship with my wife is over and in my next one I shall not make the same mistakes I made. Easier said then done I know. I would love nothing more than for us to work it out but I am only one half the equation. Just as I can not change who she goes out with I can not change her mind. I think you all gave good advice and thank you again for all the input.

milliec · Apr 13, 2006, 11:12 PM

Good Luck Kyrc!
I wish you all the happiness in the world-you've been through enough by now.
I think for this, you need your counselling now: to help you go through the whole process, and to help your healing,
and: to help you establish a better self value, so as not get into the same position next time.
Take good care of your heart
Millie

Depressed in MO · Apr 14, 2006, 06:00 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Trust me....most guys who are friends with girls want more. Always. ESPECIALLY if they have secret e-mail.

I hate to say it but I definitely think it's an affair - no question. I am sure your GUT tells you this.

You're wife appears to be a cheater and a liar.

Everyone knows what I say about cheaters.

Unfortunately - do you know a good lawyer? I am dead serious. Get to couseling or get a lawyer....but you also have to work on yourself - I AM GLAD you went to a counselor for the jealousy thing - BUT certain people bring out jealousy in people.

Right on, I agree.

fredg · Apr 14, 2006, 06:08 AM

Hi, Kryc,
You have some great answers so far.
I am glad you have decided the marriage is over, and I do wish you happiness and hope all will go well for you.
I am 64, married 29 yrs. and I see nothing wrong with my wife going places without me... but NOT to bars.
I do agree with you that when she started going out, with friends, to bars, there was a reason. Why to a bar? Why not doing something else? Bowling, Bingo, Church get-togethers, shopping, the mall, etc.
Compromise is the key word in a marriage, and respect. If your wife really respected you and your wishes, there is absolutely no reason for her being in any bar without you. I am sure there are things you would "give up", too, for her, if anything you did that upset her. But, I see nothing wrong with being "jealous" and concerned about bars.

talaniman · Apr 14, 2006, 06:10 AM

WOW! A lot sure has happened since your original post, but I hope you stay with your therapy. Sorry about the marriage I wish you would have told us of the e-mails sooner,but I hope you take the opportunity to improve yourself and enjoy a healthy life!:cool:

Kryc · Apr 14, 2006, 07:20 AM

My post was 3 months after we have separated. Then this last month we started trying to work it out. And in this last week all went to hell in a handbasket. So thank you for your support all and I do plan on continuing with my counceling. The counciler I see is brutally honest and I know I have some things that I need to handle before my next relationship but the semi first session with her went very well. Gave me a lot to think about. Thanks again for all the support