[bigbird213]

Hmm,

Posting a little more often than usual -- not a great sign.

Been feeling down lately as I was reminded of my ex online the other day. Didn't really learn anything new, don't want to, just that she was (apparently) going away somewhere. I don't know where, when or with who and don't really want to. After some thought, I realized that I didn't learn anything new, so my being upset must be due simply to being reminded of her and that she seems to be happy...

In conjunction with that, I have been feeling pretty frustrated with myself lately. When we first broke up, I was feeling fine. I went through the first few weeks with hardly a hiccup. Now, almost two months later, I feel like I am spending more time thinking about her then I did back then. Its getting to the point where I'm sick of it - I wake up in a bad mood because she is the first thing on my mind -- and the images are never good. Just thinking about her talking, cuddling, loving, etc, etc, etc with anyone else puts me in a down mood.

I don't want to drone on about the thoughts I have of her, but I guess I am looking for insights from people who have been there and done that. As far as I can tell I am doing all the right things. I go out as much as possible, have been eating healthy and going to the gym religiously. I haven't had contact with her, and when I was exposed to things online I didn't enjoy, I deleted the links. How long does this really go on for?? I know that's a question nobody can answer, but do I really have to put up with feeling like sh*t for the next year?

I'm sick of it already, and thinking that she is happier than she ever was with me makes it a million @#$@#$ times worse... :mad: :mad:

[starlite1]

Hi BigBird,

Sweetie, I know how you feel. I was pretty good for a month, and now I am feeling worse as well. This, I believe, is completely natural, although it does suck. I think the more you loved someone the harder it is to get past, as well as all the feelings, what they are doing, who are they with, etc. I know it is so hard, but try not to think about those things. Unfortunately they are beyond your control (and mine), and we have to think about us now, and focus on moving on. And yes, you are doing everything right. You are doing great! I think another reason why we start going to that dark place in our minds is the fact that they may be with someone else, but we aren't. Now, that does not mean that we should find someone to be with, just to be with (not that we would), but just know that we will be happy again with someone who will appreciate us, and love us, that we will love back, and appreciate. I wish I had a magic wand, and I would wave it for all of us.

[bigbird213]

Yes, your right on many points.

It is natural, it does suck. It hurts because I loved her a lot and it just sucks not knowing if they are missing you or not. I know I shouldn't concern myself with that, but nevertheless it creeps in at times.

The hardest part is the thoughts of them being with someone else and you being left behind. I feel like a fool, but I almost feel as I have been cheated on. Maybe it's the fact that she was my first love, and my first for pretty much everything, so the thought of her with anyone else kills me. It doesn't matter now...

What I feel is a hybrid between anger and sadness. On one hand, I am furious with myself for not feel better, for not doing better than her and for not getting over this. I'm frustrated with the enormous amount of time this is taking and the toll it is having on me. I have wasted so much time and energy being upset about something I can't control - and there's nothing I can do to feel better faster.

On the other hand, I am sad that she possibly may not be thinking about me at all. She probably isn't the same person at all anymore and that is sad. To think that so much has changed in her life since I last saw her and I know nothing about it is a tough thing to think about. I suppose the same is for me, she might be feeling the same - but I can't depend on her feelings to make me feel better - and I won't.

Sorry for the ranting, for some reason today is going to be tough and I have a long, boring day at work ahead of me. Seriously looking forward to the gym after work so I can vent a little bit.

Thanks for listening...

[starlite1]

Hi BigBird,

You don't ever have to apologize. We are all here for you :) And I know you feel frustrated and angry, but please, PLEASE don't feel that way. You are normal, and most important? You know how to love, and feel love. That is beautiful! Be proud :). It will take time, unfortunately, to heal. If I may ask, BB, do you want to get back with her? I know you are missing her, but, if you were still together, do you see yourself having a future with her?

[talaniman]

Progress however small is still progress. At this point I will venture a guess that you are experiencing buried feelings coming to the surface to be dealt with. How? By making new memories to push the old ones aside. If that means a change in routine, something or someone new in your life, or just more work, do it!

Volunteer!!! A great way to fill your time. Doing for others is the ultimate way of putting things in perspective.

[bigbird213]

Starlite,

No. I don't want to get back together with her. I can say that without a doubt in my mind. There is no chance it would ever work even if we tried...

I can honestly say that before the relationship ended I knew it was going to end. When I look back, it was obvious that things weren't really workout out that well. We had some heavy discussions which didn't always go the best they could have. We argued a lot of stupid things and I had even had conversations about marriage and telling her that "The way we are now, I can't myself with you forever, we have problems we need to fix first". I guess I was a little expecting it subconsciously.

That is half the reason that I am so angry with myself now. I know there were issues. In all honesty, she didn't treat me perfectly, and I always tried to give her everything (I obviously wasn't perfect). She would get angry with me because our lives were so different. She hated my friends and didn't like a lot of my hobbies. She isn't very social and didn't have many friends, and I liked to go out and hang out with them. She didn't like that. The long story short - we were very different people.

It just bothers me that I know all of these things but it still bothers me so much to this day. When she broke up with me, she told me through tears that she "honestly thought I wouldn't care". I don't know why she thought that, but I guess she really thought I had lost my feelings for her - not true.

In any case, no, I don't see a future with her, though its hard for me to see that clearly now. At times I wish I could just hang out with her and be friendly and see if maybe she had changed, but we had a lot of problems due to incompatibility and I'm sure they would still exist.

I don't want to get back together, but I don't really want her moving on before me. I guess that's selfish, and I really wouldn't ever know if she's moving on, so it shouldn't be an issue... maybe that clears it up a little bit.

[bigbird213]

Progress however small is still progress. At this point I will venture a guess that you are experiencing buried feelings coming to the surface to be dealt with. How? By making new memories to push the old ones aside. If that means a change in routine, something or someone new in your life, or just more work, do it!

Volunteer!!! A great way to fill your time. Doing for others is the ultimate way of putting things in perspective.

Thanks tal,

I do see progress, and this is just a slump I'm sure. I have been thinking that getting out and doing new things is what I need to do and have been doing so for the last few weeks. I am working tons, so I don't know if I can fit in volunteering right now, but I did volunteer at the beginning of the summer for about a month and it did feel good.

I just don't like thinking I've been left behind - I have always been afraid of her moving on first.

[Alty]

You aren't being left behind Biggie, you are moving forward. On the path to healing there are sometimes a few rocks, you trip, you fall, stand up, brush yourself off and keep going. You might encounter many rocks along the way, but sooner or later you'll keep your eyes open for them and avoid them, then it's smooth sailing until the end of the road. :)

When I'm having a hard time dealing with something, or I'm just angry or sad, I write it down. I have tons of letters I've written to people I was upset with, letters that were just for me, never sent. It's cathartic, it helps. Maybe start a journal, write down all the feelings you are having. At the end, when you are finally completely healed (and you will be), burn the journal, a ceremony of freedom from the past.

Keep moving forward sweetie, you're doing really well. Remember, we're always here for backup. :)

[starlite1]

I don't want to get back together, but I don't really want her moving on before me. I guess thats selfish, and I really wouldn't ever know if shes moving on, so it shouldn't be an issue....maybe that clears it up a little bit.

Hi BigBird,

I know how you feel, actually, I am sure all of us either feel or have felt that way. We are so heartbroken, and we tend to analyze our realtionships (what went wrong, how could it have been fixed, etc), and now our ex's have moved on (Why? What about us? Don't we mean anything to you anymore? Are you (the ex's) missing us like we are missing you? All of these thoughts I'm sure are felt by all of us. But, the key is to try and not go to that dark place. Easier said than done. My saving grace is being here, with all of you.

Sweetie, you will get past this, I promise :)

[damaged]

I understand how you feel... We wish we could trade places with our exes.. Since they dumped us they should be the ones feeling sad.. not us!. we should be happy and having fun and not thinking about them!!

[bigbird213]

Been a busy morning for me on this site, just trying to get some thoughts out:

I think I have hit the 2 month mark for NC. Never thought around now would be the toughest part... Its morning right now, so forgive me if this post reeks of despairity, its how I'm feeling at the moment.

I'm a little annoyed with myself for not being able to stop thinking about her and what she is doing. My mind is intent on thinking about her and her being with someone else. Who knows if its true, I don't and don't want to. I'd love to find out she isn't but its not a risk I'm going to take. So I find myself turning to things she said before we broke up/as we were breaking up. She was telling me that the reason she wanted to breakup was because she had personal issues she wanted to take care of. She hated the way she treated me (long story, probably back a few pages somewhere) among other things. She wanted to be by herself to try and straighten herself out.

Needless to say, I find myself condemning her as a liar and a cheater even though I have no idea what is going on with her. The thought or her possibly being out of town with some guy already almost makes me want to cry -- something I don't know if I have done at all throughout this breakup...

I guess my mood right now would be frustrated with myself, missing the hell out of her (who knows why), and just overall down.

Still looking to get back up on that high side...

[talaniman]

Morning Big, having a rough one today huh! Normal, as I am starting to see a pattern here you may not be aware of, but whenever you feel down you turn back to the ex and follow a line of thinking that's quite depressing to say the least.

If I might suggest a slight change in tactic for a while, how about having specific tasks in the mornings, that make you get up, and focus on for a few hours. I know you work, but being busy during the normal lulls in the action, may change your thinking and out look, and help prevent you looking back, and thinking the worst.

There is a very good reason volunteer work, is always the first thing I recommend, because it allows you another perspective and MAKES you see how grateful you should be for what you have. Its especially good for those who have really high, highs, and very low, lows, as a natural human cycle of feelings. Make sense?

[f104]

Hi bigbird souinds like you are having a tough time. I know how you feel and when I get like that I find it almost impossible to do anything but think about my ex. I have to force myself to do things even if it is only taking a walk or visiting friends. Often I do not walk far or visit for long but I try to make myself do something. Hope by the time you read this you are doing better.

By the way I think crying helps. It is okay to mourn the loss of a relationship.

[losingit77]

I know the feelings of despair you can feel, especially in the morning. And for whatever reason, the mind wanders back to the ex and we start playing out in our minds what they're up to, what they've been doing, etc.

But anytime you feel that way, you need to consciously turn the focus back on you. What do you want to be doing in life? What are your goals? What can you do to make yourself happy?

I think you probably have a tendency to start imagining this fairy tale happy-ending story for your ex and her life when in reality you should be thinking about the fairy tale happy-ending story for YOUR life. Let her worry about her own life.

Read your posts on here and the help you've given others. You can see by those what an awesome and amazing guy you are! You have a great future ahead of you. Don't let some bad days, bad moments, keep you down for long. You deserve everything you want in this world and thinking about her is just distracting you from going out in living. Don't be afraid to let go of the past and move forward.

[losingit77]

And here's some practical advice. As you know, we broke up around the same time so we're in a somewhat similar place in the post-breakup calendar and I truly believe these are some things that I did that have really started to make me feel "whole" and like "myself" again. Over the past month, I've grown soooo much and feel 100X better than a month ago, and here's some things that I credit for that:

(1) Meeting new people/reconnecting with old friends. Whether its hanging out with my girls I wasn't seeing as frequently as I should have been when I was in a relationship, or simply interacting with strangers at the supermarket, etc... getting out there in the world and actually interacting with the world around me rather than being out in the world and living in my own mind has really helped.
(2) Focusing on work. For 2 months I was a walking zombie at work. Now when I'm at work, I'm 100% there. Working, multitasking, shooting the sh*t with co-workers. Whatever.
(3) Volunteer/Take a class/Join a social group. I joined a volleyball league. So much fun, great exercise, and a great way to meet new and diverse people.
(4) Redecorated my house. In the process of redecorating every room of my house. It's a strenuous task.
(5) Exercise. Started a new exercise regime. Not only helps the body looks great, but also makes you feel great... and strong!

I still think about my ex a million times a day but there fleeting moments because I have so many other things going on right now. The main part of all these activities is it lets you reconnect yourself and reconnect with the outside world. I was tired of living in my own little world, in my own little mind, for 2 months post-breakup. There's so much else out there if you force yourself to see it and do it.

[Alty]

Biggie, chin up, this too shall pass, doesn't it always? Get out, have fun, get your mind busy so you stop thinking of her. Remember one thing, she is no longer your concern, what she does from now on is her business, and even though it may bother you, you have better things to worry about. Really, truly, honestly, one day she will just be a memory, but right now you have to get her out of your head and heart. Hard work, but you are up for the challenge, I know you are, we know you are, and you know you are. :)

Remember don't stress the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. :)

[bigbird213]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I really needed it. It's the next morning and I'm feeling kind of sh*tty again, but not quite as bad as yesterday. Reading all this helped, maybe that might be part of my plan when I'm down.

Tal - I will look into some sort of volunteer work. Your advice actually lines up with advice I got from someone else remarkably well. I was told that I was so used to being selfless and giving so much to my ex that now, without someone to give to, I don't know what to do. Almost like I have a huge desire to give to someone, but that person is gone now. I think having tasks in the morning will be good too - something to keep me focused and get me past the first few hours or so of the day.

F104 - I have taken walks, but surprisingly they seem to not help me out much. It just turns into more down time for me to think and mull over what's bothering me. Thanks for the advice though. Visiting friends really does help. If I had to say one thing helps the most, it would probably be going for a drive. I don't really have any privacy in my house, so going for a drive and playing my music loud helps quite a bit. I know driving emotional isn't the best idea, but it helps.

losingit - You are right. We are just about the same point in our NC calendars. And you hit it directly on the head when you said fairy tale ending for my ex. Not to be mean, but her having a fairy tale ending right now is not what I want. Sure I care for her and want her to be happy, and two weeks ago I would have said I hope she finds someone, but recently I have backslid into a less mature state. Out of the steps you outlined, I have done a few of them. I started a lifting routine a month ago and have been doing that M-F every week.

The funny thing about me is that I feel like I did things backwards. In the beginning I was pretty much okay. I was doing well at work, going out and having fun without thinking about her, etc.. But now, I am more of a zombie now then I was ever before. It didn't effect my work a month ago, last week - it did. I feel like I accepted it was over, let go fine and then, a month later, went back in the past and grabbed back onto it. Now I can't let go again.

Alty - Getting out is what I have been trying to do. It helps to be out and be busy, it just feels like I am re-making all of the progress that I had done a while ago. I don't know why something as stupid as seeing her going out late at night and possibly out of town has thrown me back so far. Stupid stuff...

Thanks again for all the input guys. I had a thought when I first woke up and I am going to post it below this in another post. I'm not sure if its going to make me feel better, but I think it warrants putting down in case I decide to reread all of my posts...

[bigbird213]

Okay,

I found it. Did a little research and read the old posts on my profile when we were together. There is a lot of stuff in there, but I thought this summarized part of it anyway.

Highlights from the phone conversation i just had:

"Your nothing to me"
"I hope to God you get arrested"
"If you were lying on the curb, I'd drive right by"
"Your the dumbest sh*t i know"
"Your worthless"

....I dont deserve this, even if she was angry

How can I miss someone like this???? Reading that is a TERRIBLE thing to ever say to ANYONE, but I can't get over her? Shouldn't I be glad to be out of such an abusive relationship??

ARG - I'm going out.

Thank you all again.

[bigbird213]

Phew,

Back again. 8:30 AM and I am actually feeling good :)

I'm getting towards feeling like I did a week and a half ago. I can see it coming. For some reason, when I had the thought which I posted in my previous post with the quote from last year, something seemed to click a little bit. Maybe I took off the rose colored glasses and caught a glimpse?

No doubt it still sucks, but much better off than 48 hours ago.

[Alty]

Biggie, that quote two posts ago, the one about your phone conversation, print that out on a big piece of paper and put it on the wall by your bed. Next time you wake up feeling sad, look at that paper, read that and remember why you shouldn't miss her, but be grateful that she is out of your life. Just a thought, might not work, but maybe it will. :)

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, getting back on track. Reading back from the beginning can be very helpful, it not only makes you remember all the stuff you went through, but it make you see how far you've come, and Biggie, you've come a far way. Not much further to go, I'd venture to say that you've already covered more ground than you have left to cover.:)