[glow]

I am having issues. My ex boyfriend / friend in a different state searched for me for 3 years and found me 3 weeks ago. We haven't seen each other in a decade, but he felt strongly like he had to find me. At first I didn't know what to think because I have been married for four years. I feel such a strong connection to him that I don't have with my husband. We broke up in the first place because we were young and dumb. We have both grown into cool people and feel so strongly in our guts for each other. It makes me sick to feel this way since I am married, but I can't help how I feel. I am not a bad person and don't want to hurt my family. I will add that I have never cheated in my life. My husband wants me to stop chatting with him (understandably) or it will ruin our marriage. I know it seems insensitive for me not to stop, but it's not fair to me because I don't like to be controlled. I might as well be a robot otherwise. I just think there may be a reason why this all happened and I can't ignore it if it's fate. I don't want to hurt anyone and am so torn. Another thing is my husband and I are so different and don't have many experiences in common at all. It was the opposites attract thing. I just don't know if that's enough. My ex gives me something inside that I don't get with hubby and that is why I can't ignore it. Does anyone understand me?
:confused: :confused:

[Jayjay027]

You broke up because you were young and dumb... I'm a firm believer in fate, however I'm thinking that if you were meant to be with your ex and it was fate, he would have found you when you were available.

I can totally see where your husband is coming from. If it were the other way around and your husband was having second thoughts about your marriage because his ex was in town all of a sudden, would you like it if he kept chatting to her regardless of your feelings?

You got married, you took vows.. if you still had feelings for your ex you shouldn't have taken the vows.
I don't know what else to tell you, I'm not going to tell you to leave your husband, because I honestly think that the idea of a new adventure entices you.
You should take time to sit alone and really think things through.
Can you see a future with your husband without your ex in your life?
Or don't you think you are willing to let your ex go?

It's a serious situation, you need to think of what your priorities are!

[kp2171]

yes I understand. There's a girl I dated that got to me in a way that no one else ever has... and I will promise you I am a very happily married guy. My wife, I think, is also happily married. =) we are great for each other, but this other relationship... may not have been the best for marriage, but it was intense... and I'm sure id stop in the street were she to turn the corner.

this one person just gets to me. Can't help it.

if she called me up tomorrow id feel excited and desire to see her. But I wouldn't. I am happily married. I am committed to my marriage. Period. I really wouldn't feel like I was denying myself anything, but again... I think I am married to a great woman.

so... you need to take this person out of your life for a moment and ask yourself are you committed to your marriage? Because you didn't take vows with a "shop around" clause.

if this person were not in your life again, would you stay with your husband? What is the condition of your marriage and your vows to him?

while I am pretty strict myself on honoring the commitment I have made to another in front of my family, friends, and my God... I'm not going to even try to answer this for you.

sometimes you marry the wrong person. My aunt did. My friend did.

but you are going to have to talk to someone about this before you make a mistake... since staying or leaving might be a mistake. I guess id say try to get some help with your marriage first, since you gave a promise to this person. If you find that the marriage is over, then you'll still need to approach this other relationship with caution and patience.

[fredg]

Hi,
Yes, I understand where you are coming from. You are now having serious doubts about your marriage, and staying with your husband, since your ex boyfriend offers you more in a relationship than you have with your husband!
You would rather talk with your ex, against your husband's wishes, than to respect his wishes. If you don't mind me being blunt, your marriage is in trouble.
If you and your husband don't go together, at the same time, to a Marriage Counselor, or some other person you both can talk with about this, it will only get worse!
I've been married now, second time, for 29 yrs. and "compromise" is the key to a good and lasting marriage. Took me 7 years to learn that, when my 1st marriage ended in Divorce.
You have a choice; try to make your marriage work, or keep talking with this old boyfriend, and hope it doesn't eventually end your marriage.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

[talaniman]

No matter how green the grass is on the other side of the fence its not your yard to play in . Maybe you need to take better care of your own yard before you jump the fence!:cool: Why did you post this twice?:eek:

[Depressed in MO]

Wow, this story sounds very familiar in a very "opposite" way. (Don't worry I don't expect anyone to understand this-but some might... )

Before your ex ever came into your life, were you having problems with your husband, or were you happily content with the way things are. See people make things out to be more than what they really are. People get comfortable in their life and they simply get bored. Then when something new and exciting happens in their life unexpectedly, they tend to act on it and make it out to be bigger than what it really is. Your husband is probably very upset and confused as to why this is happening to him. If you don't love your husband, then move on and let him go so he can be with someone who can give him what he deserves. If you do love him, Don't try to pursue this relationship with your ex who has missed so many intimate years of your life already-years in which you have spent with your current husband. If you are in love with your husband-try to make things work out.
I bet he is willing to save his marriage before you decide to just leave him. Think about it.

[s_cianci]

Well, regardless of how you may feel, you're married and that means other men are off limits. You made a commitment to your husband and took vows. You now have a duty to be faithful to those vows. Nobody said it would always be easy or that temptations would never get in your way. However you knew what commitment you were making when you got married. It's kind of hard to understand how you could even have such a "connection" with someone you haven't even seen for 10 years. If you make any rash decisions you could end up regretting it for the rest of your life. Quite often these things never turn out the way we expect them to and the one who makes the biggest sacrifice (in your case, your marriage and family) ends up being burned the most. Frankly I really don't think it's worth it.

[giggles]

I'm not denying there might be a strong chemistry or connection that still exists between you and your ex, but don't forget that a lot of these "feelings", which are completely real, are bound to be in part a projection of what you want to feel right now in your life.
It's obvious from your post, that you have doubts about your choice in partner for marriage (you say you don't know if that's enough etc), and on some level, an emergency response is to develop a strong attachment to someone else. Don't we all do this on some level when feeling vulnerable? Moor ourselves to something or someone that reinforces who we are, who can identify with us and vice versa? Someone who "gets" us? Because we might feel a little lost at sea in our supposed "closest" relationships or in our lives in general.
I just think you should take some time out on this one. It's got more to do with you, than either of these men. You are doubting the path you are on. Don't complicate it by adding a homemade remedy in the form of your returning Sir Gallahad - this will, I believe complicate things more.
Meanwhile you are married to someone. That should count for some consideration of this matter - do you want this marriage? Are you mature enough for the reality of it, when you are comparing this period of your life to when you were "young and dumb" as you say? I think in deliberating over all of this, you need to remember one thing: while people change, and grow older and wiser - the dynamic between people doesn't always adapt in the same way. Siblings brought together for family occasions always row in the same infantile patterns, class reunions bring out the old schooldays tensions, and old lovers will generally ignite the same passions. BUT - also on that note, the reasons for your breakup will probably still be there, more glaringly than ever. That may well be the summation of your dynamic.
I would try to leave it in the past. At least for now, while you work out the present. Good luck.

[suminjavi]

Hi glow
By any chance do you have any children. A girl?
And how far away is your ex? Does he come see you?

In my opinion I think you need to remind yourself of how you fell in love with your husband. What are the little things that made you look at him differently. Remember how it felt when you both first fell in love.
Temptations are everywhere, but you can not and will not cheat on your husband.
Set boundaries for your ex. I know sweet talk is flattering but don't let him get away with it. Tell him if you both are to keep in contact and stay friends he will need to understand that you are married.
Before you continue with your ex; ask yourself if your willing to get a divorce. If your willing to change your children's life over this guy.
You should really THINK DEEP, before you LEAP.

[Wildcat21]

This is the same women who is married to 'depressed and confused' - NOW she plays all nice here.

Its NOT OK to converse and share feelinsg with an EX when you are married.

At least she went to counseling once. She claims she stopped talking with the 'musician' (which I doubt - she is selfish).

Again - she FORGETS why they broke - this guy is a musician and probably just wants a gal to hang with (see sleep eith here) in their city and then move on.

I am about 90% sure he broke with here or did something major (see cheating) to break them - she still pines away and only remembers the good.

AND she seems to have a great loving husband - although he is a little too much of a 'nice guy'.