New and Desprate

Kryc · Apr 10, 2006, 06:43 AM

I am a jealous person this I know. This is also a huge reason that my wife and I fight. She says that the harder I try to stay in our relationship the further I push her away. She wants to go out with her friends dancing at clubs and I don't like it. Im not against her going out with friends I just don't know why she needs to go to single's places. We have separated and are trying to figure out what we want. She wants some space and freedom and I want her. Does what she says make sense to anyone? I want someone who wants to spend a majority of there time with me but I want that person to be my wife. She wants to spend some time with me and the rest doing things that make her happy. What do I do?

Krs · Apr 10, 2006, 06:45 AM

Hi Kryc,

Firstly how often does your wife expect to go dancing with her girlie friends?

Kryc · Apr 10, 2006, 06:55 AM

Was about 2-4 times a month kind of varied. Now that we are separated when ever she wants.

Krs · Apr 10, 2006, 07:03 AM

OK so that's either once a week or less.
Is it so bad to let her go out with her girlie friends once every 2 weeks?
Do u trust her?
Trust is always an issue when you don't let your partner out alone!

So at the end you did push her away.

Im married, been with my husband for a total of 8 years. We have our ups and downs but I trust him with my eyes wide shut.
We are not the kind of couple where he goes out with his mates drinking alone a lot of the time and nor am I, because as you said a couple should spend the majority of the time together, so I agree with you there. But then again we are all human, we all need our space.
When my husband very occasionally told me he is going out with his mates, I won't mind and vice-versa.

You were probably not given her enough air to breath.

Kryc · Apr 10, 2006, 07:22 AM

So now that we are separated what do I do? I want her back with all of my heart and I know she cares about me. Do I just let her make all the decisions on when to see each other? I know I miss seeing her like I used to now I'm lucky to see her once a week.

Edit
For the trust question I do. Its hard sometimes but when I talk to her I believe what she says.

Krs · Apr 10, 2006, 07:46 AM

As her back. Go out for a nice romantic meal and talk things through.
As her to come back home with you and work things out.
Explain to her that you have sorted your jealousy issues out.

As my mum always said - abit of jealosy in a relationship is nice but a lot of it pushes your other half away. And that is entirely what you did.

Kryc · Apr 10, 2006, 08:04 AM

Thank you Ill give it a try.

Depressed in MO · Apr 10, 2006, 09:28 AM

Kyrc-No you don't go blaming yourself for all that went wrong in this relationship!
There is nothing wrong with your wife to go out once a week on her own with her own friends and this and that, but where is the time that she makes for you both together? That should be priority. You know what-you sound just like me because I am in the same boat as you. Only I'm not married. But we are not on me-If she truly wanted to be with you-she would be-just like she is with her "friends".
Does she dress up for you when you do things together like she dresses up when she goes out with her friends?
Does she avoid cell phone calls? There are so many questions you need to be really asking yourself about this situation.You said you are lucky to see her once a week now that you are separated. Been there, done that. She will come back eventually-when she is done having her "freedom"-because she knows you will take her back. But you will only be happy for a little while...
Maybe you did push her away (by the way, I hate hearing those words)If she did not want to be loved so much, why did she marry you in the first place? I feel.

Kryc · Apr 10, 2006, 09:35 AM

That's part of what she complained about. She did make time for me I just wouldn't let myself be happy with the time she made for me. Added info she works evenings and I work days. So we really only got to see each other a few hours a night and on her days off. She would usually go out with her friends on first night off and then go out with me the next night.

Depressed in MO · Apr 10, 2006, 10:10 AM

Originally Posted by Kryc

Thats part of what she complained about. She did make time for me I just wouldn't let my self be happy with the time she made for me. Added info she works evenings and I work days. So we really only got to see each other a few hours a night and on her days off. she would usally go out with her friends on first night off and then go out wiht me the next night.

Yes, well let me ask you this... Is she usually hungover and want to go to bed early on your nights out? That's usually what I end up with. Evaluate the following questions if applicable:

Does she ignore your incoming calls?
Again, does she dress up for you when you go out like she does when she goes out with her friends?
Does she tell you one thing, but do another? In other words, does she lie about where she has been
Only you know the facts-that's why I say you may have "pushed" her away-but she wanted out before that ever happened. And by you trying to figure out why she didn't want to be with you in the first place and all that... well she probably caught on to the fact that you were going to find something out and I am guessing she left which is why you two are separted, which is why you only see her maybe once a week...
Just be careful. I've recently learned not all relationships are bad like mine, so I'm really not trying to have you compare your relationship to mine; however, I know alibis that people can make up, and I've made up my own so I know how people from both sexes can "work" on another person's emotions.

Wildcat21 · Apr 10, 2006, 10:34 AM

She SHOULD be able to be with her friends.

You need things in your life besides her - your significant other is part of your life - NOT your life. YOU need friends, WORKOUT, work harder at work, hobbies, family.

People want what they can't have - even in a relationship/marruage. When you are busy with other things, have a lot of friends, hobbies etc - it's a big turn on.

You seem really needy and clingy and that's a big turn off. You are TOO available to her. You need GUYS night out every week. Every week.

Do something else with yourself - get busy - she will love you for it - of course she is being pushed away. She needs her nights out.

Depressed in MO · Apr 10, 2006, 01:05 PM

Wildcat is right, but you need to be a part of what "makes her happy" too.
Damn, I know how you feel, but Wildcat is always right... seriously. You should take his advice.:cool:

getupboy123 · Apr 10, 2006, 07:50 PM

Good luck with everything, hope it all works out

talaniman · Apr 11, 2006, 12:22 PM

You need to work on that jealousy thing or you will lose your wife forever! This is your problem not hers so get a professional on it before its too late!:cool:

s_cianci · Apr 11, 2006, 07:01 PM

You're in a tough situation here. It sounds as if you and your wife have different priorities. Personally I believe that spouse comes first but it doesn't sound as if your wife would agree. Frankly, as a married woman she has no business going dancing at singles' clubs unless you're with her. If I were you I'd confront her with this and give her an ultimatum ; either she make her husband her #1 priority in her life or divorce court. Unfortunately it sounds like those are your only two options given the circumstances.

Bevjcope · Apr 11, 2006, 07:58 PM

Nothing wrong with a wife going out with girlfriends. 3 or 4 times a month is a little much but you should go out with guy friends occasionaly also. If you show trust when she goes out she might not do it as often. Extreme jealousy will push another away.

Wildcat21 · Apr 12, 2006, 07:55 AM

Yes, nothing wrong with the wife going out with friends - and its called TRUST. SHE NEEDS her night out with friends - ALWAYS.

Jealousy is an evil emotion and will push away anyone. The only way it goes away is thorugh knowledge, trust, maturity.

Does he ALWAYS come home to you? Do you know how to LISTEN to her? Do you actually know how to communicate with a woman? Do you understand women communicate MUCH differently than men?

Depressed in MO · Apr 12, 2006, 08:01 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Yes, nothing wrong with the wife going out with friends - and its called TRUST. SHE NEEDS her night out with friends - ALWAYS.

Jealousy is an evil emotion and will push away anyone. The only way it goes away is thorugh knowledge, trust, maturity.

Does he ALWAYS come home to you? Do you know how to LISTEN to her? Do you actually know how to communicate with a woman? Do you understand women communicate MUCH differently than men?

Yes but what if they don't always come home to you, and you haven't been able to trust them in the past? Is there any reason to trust them every single time they go out at this point? Because you can't stop them from going out even if you beg (which would be pathetic).

talaniman · Apr 12, 2006, 08:09 AM

Hi Depressed in MO, yes while I agree with you there is nothing in this post to suggest she has cheated on her husband,but there is by his own admission he has jealousy issue that need to be worked out

Krs · Apr 12, 2006, 08:25 AM

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

yes but what if they don't always come home to you, and you haven't been able to trust them in the past? Is there any reason to trust them every single time they go out at this point? Because you can't stop them from going out even if you beg (which would be pathetic).

Well if couldn't trust them in the past for any reason, then what would still be doing with them now? That's the question to ask. Coz what wildcat said made complete sense to me.
If you trust your partner 100% then why wouldn't u trust them every time they go out?