[E3soldier]

I'm 23 years old and have only had one serious relationship which ended badly about 2.5 years ago. Since then I honestly haven't thought about the prospect of finding another girlfriend. That was until 10 weeks ago when I met this girl who is 28.

I moved into new acommodation and she lives in the room opposite. We've been at medical school for three years but I had never seen her before. I was instantly taken away by her and, lame I know, I just cannot stop thinking about her!

We've been getting closer over the past weeks but suddenly last week she started ignoring me. She doesn't randomly knock on my door anymore and I really miss that. Last Sunday she asked me how I behave around girls I like. I told her that it depends on whether I feel comfortable around the girl. It can range from talkative to not so talkative. She then asked me if I liked anyone at the moment - I SAID NO. I wasn't sure what to say! Since then she's been acting funny. When we first met I remember her telling me that if she started to ignore me then it meant she liked me. But I don't know!

A few weeks ago I went through a personal crises. She was there for me and more importantly, she completely understood where I was coming from. I've never felt that before and want more! She has similar views to me and we come from a similar background. These are all things that make me like her more.

To complicate things further, she has a boyfriend. They got together 7 years ago when they were both living in the UK. He now lives in Malaysia and they see each other once or twice a year. They speak on the phone but all they seem to do is argue. They want completely different thing from life and fail to understand where the other is coming from. She told me that when she sees him she turns into a submissive repressed housewife. This is so not the girl I know - she is independent, carefree, fun and basically the complete opposite. She has this notion of being 'alone and single' at 30 and I feel that this, and the fact that she hardly ever sees him, is contributing factor in the survival of their relationship. In the time that I've known her, she has not said a good word about him, except that he is 'reliable'. Last week they had a massive argument. She spoke to me about it afterwards. She said that this is what it was always like - argue-makeup in the summer-argue. I don't think that either of them are happy. She talks about the relationship like it is a business deal.

Now, I really like this girl and am not sure whether my feelings are clouding my judgement. I think she likes me but can't be sure, and even if she did, I'm not sure that she would throw away her 'safe' 7 year relationship for someone she met 10 weeks ago. She goes back to Singapore in the summer and I won't see her until September. I'm not sure if I should tell her how I feel before she goes. If I don't, I will go insane!

Any advice welcomed.

Thanks

[talaniman]

Be warned, my friend, as it's a very red flag to be involved with a female that is already in a relationship with a long term partner, and it's a bit shaky right now. She is inviting you to distract her and help her through this, but its none of your business, and not your place to influence her about her b/f. That's for her to make her own mind up about.

Another thing, and you are seeing this correctly, she will never get over a 7 year relationship, in a matter of weeks, or months, and will not be ready for another relationship, for sometime to come.

If I were you, keep your feelings to yourself, until you can be a lot more objective, and realistic, and not just caught up in the emotion, or attraction, and the confusion, and drama of her life. Stay friends for now.

She sounds nice on paper, but it takes longer than 10 weeks, to know a person well enough to overcome the fact, she is unavailable, while committed to another.

[E3soldier]

Thanks for the advice.

I think your right. I don't really know what their relationship is like, I've not met the boyfriend! All I know is what she has told me. I don't give her adice because I have nothing to base it on. What I do know is that she is not happy and has felt like that for 4-5 years. I think that long distance relationships that aren't working last longer than normal relationships that aren't working. I don't know - I'll just have to wait and see.

[talaniman]

I don't know - I'll just have to wait and see.

That would be sensible, before becoming more emotionally invested, get a lot more facts. Broadening your circle of friends, and activities is also a wise move at this point.

Food 4 thought-
You don't argue with someone, and be unhappy with a relationship for 4-5 years, without making changes. That's a red flag, and a fair warning that there is much she is not telling you, but does want you to be there, for whatever reason, EYES WIDE OPEN!