[need2know1]

I have been dating a guy for 2 years now and again... the feeling that may be gay has arose. He is the sweetest, hottest, sexiest most loving man that is AMAZING in the sack but some of his unspoken behaviors has led me to think he may be gay. He is a very handsome guy, very concerned about his looks, almost obsessive (has had eating disorders and body dismorphia in the past), loves fashion and knows his in that department, likes to be neat and tidy, clean, likes high end beauty products but doesn't sit in the mirror, and just recently overcame additctions and is sober. A lot of the following that I am about to described has happened in his days in which is was intoxicated (both alcohol and drugs) so I am not sure if that was the reason or just brought our the truth. In the past, during a game of truth or dare, with both men and women, he has asked the guys to get naked, ("because he thought that was funny). I found that odd. He mentioned in high school he kissed a guy on a dare. That it was all in fun and games. He seems to check out guys as they walk by or drive by and sometimes makes comments when looking through magazines about how good looking a man is. He says that too many people are jealous and that he can just accept and appreciate beauty. But he seems to do it more with a man than a woman. He mentioned that one drug dealer would always ask him to give him oral but he never did. He was arrested one weekend in SD visiting a old friend after a night of drinking they got into a fight and he locked himself in his friends bedroom to keep him away and that the cops took him from the bedroom... naked... which he said he probably was just in bed sleeping because he doesn't remember. I've seen him around a few of his friends ed up and they seem a little too friendly. I also remember when we first met, the style was 80's mod, tight jeans, etc and he would wear women's jeans. I always felt that he was hiding something from me and still to this day, he leaves the room to chat on the phone, I haven't really spent time with his family or friends. Now, I know I have messed around with women when I have been intoxicated but I am not gay, I just want to know if he is, and maybe he doesn't even know yet. More so, my first instinct when I met him was I knew I was in his life for a reason and I felt that that reason was to help him come out. That I didn't want to fall in love with him. Well I did and those initial feelings are coming back. I know he loves me and pleases me in bed (loves to give me oral) but I feel that with his upbringing (who his parents are - influential figures) I don't think, even if he figured it out, would ever come out. And maybe that's why he has addictions.
Please, any advice would be great, because I want to know am I making this up, losing my mind or should I trust my instincts (because for the most part are always right).

I have asked him before and he just said he wasn't gay. I can't commit because I can't deal with the fact that down the line, he just may be.

Please help.

[simoneaugie]

Imagine a bell curve where one end is female and the other is male. All people are somewhere on the curve. In other words, we are all a combination of male and female with some of us ending up on the "John Wayne end."

Your boyfriend is a wonderful balance of characteristics. His drinking lifestyle, which is now over, put him into weird circumstances. That's drinking! I believe that all humans have an attraction to the same sex (to the rest of the humans on the planet.) Some feel it in themselves and express it. Sometimes the attraction is sexual, and acted upon.

Give his sobriety some time to allow him to find his real self. Observe his behavior from the perspective that he is your friend. Allow him to be, and express himself as a friend. If commitment is going to become a drive for you it will become apparent.

[kp2171]

Honestly, nobody here can get into his head, and if we could, you would be the one id put my money on.

All that said... could he just be a sexually primed guy who is fashion conscious and who isn't afraid to mention beauty, male or female?

The thing that would worry me most is the friends and family thing. If you are now into this relationship this far, its past time to meet the parents, to spend at least some time with friends.

What's up with that? Are his parents near? Are his friends in town?

[Fr_Chuck]

The dress and other issues is just people, A man who cares about his looks and clothes is the right thing, not a gay thing

And to be honest to make the other guys get naked would be funny and something I can see a guy making other guys do in front of other people.
** not aprove of, but see it happening for juv males

But a gay man will not want and desire women, they want men. He may be bi-sexual and he has told you no but you don't beleve him so there is nothing he is going to do, so leave him or accept him. That is very simple.

[Xrayman]

I'd bet he is bisexual and this may also be a reason for his addictions, everything else you mentioned does not seem outright homosexual either. I'd hazard a guess that no one around him over the years accepted gay/bisexuals-he is living in fear.

Just because he may be bisexual though, I would not be too fussed-as you seem to be the sex he is most sexuallly attracted to.

I think he will finally tell you he is bisexual-I would encourarage him to do so considering you are his girlfriend. BUT ONLY IF HE AND YOU ARE COMFORTABLE with it.

[need2know1]

He says he is extremely attracted to me and I know I make him horny and excitedly erect for that matter. Sex is not an issue, but who knows maybe he is bi.
He grew up in a strict Christian family that does not to this day approve of bi/gay individuals let alone their son. (Father is a pastor)
That's also why I feel if he is, he would never say anything due to the possibility of being rejected, frowned upon, etc. I think this may be a big factor of his addictions.
I guess as one commented, just love him and accept him as a friend and see where it goes in his sobriety.

[liz28]

Now, I know I have messed around with women when I have been intoxicated but I am not gay, I just want to know if he is, and maybe he doesn't even know yet. M

All because you messed around with female while your drunk does not mean your at bi, at least when your drinking.

Your boyfriend may be at least bi or confuse/curious. Being clean and tidy and taking pride in your appearance, even if you're a guy, does not mean your guy. On the hand, some of his other actions might mean their there. You stated you knew he might be from the 80's and you thought by being with him you could help him come out, but if he is he might not until he's ready. I don't know exactly to tell you what to do, but if you truly deep down believe this, then stick with your plans going into this and be there if he ever do, because he will need a true friend to lean on.

[Xrayman]

He says he is extremely attracted to me and I know I make him horny and excitedly erect for that matter. Sex is not an issue, but who knows maybe he is bi.
He grew up in a strict Christian family that does not to this day approve of bi/gay individuals let alone their son. (Father is a pastor)
That's also why i feel if he is, he would never say anything due to the possibility of being rejected, frowned upon, etc. I think this may be a big factor of his addictions.
I guess as one commented, just love him and accept him as a friend and see where it goes in his sobriety.

Okay-the strict christian thing and father as a pastor has sealed the deal-he is scared-I love that about Christians, they are sooo forgiving...

Be kind to him, he needs some understanding-but I still doubt he is gay, as I said he's more likely bisexual

[Choux]

He is a guy trying to overcome problems in the past... addictive problems... he is to be commended for this. He has a lot of growing to do and lots of positive life to experience in order to overcome, somewhat firmly, his negative past.

You have to accept him like he is... he is taught to live one day at a time, and so should everyone. :)

In essence, you are trying to *control* the future by refusing to accept what he tells you about his sexuality. You don't want to love him, for real, without a guarantee no one can give for the future let alone about sexuality.

If you can't stand the tension of living day to day with this relationship, then, I think you are going to have to turn it back to just friends.

Good Luck in the future, :)

[need2know1]

Wow. Thanks Choux.
That is a beautiful answer... and you're right. I am trying to control which I have a tendency to do.
It is a difficult thing for me to decided and to be involved in but I think I need to make a decision either way, otherwise it's going to make me go mad!
I already know that he is teaching me a lot and maybe he is in my life for a reason. To teach me how to be accepting and understanding of an individual other than myself and to live in the moment.
I'm still not sure what I want to do but I can tell you I do not want to live without this individual in my life in one way or another.

Thank you for your clear and kind words.

[avcom]

Not to be discouraging and all, but I signed up to this site just to answer your question, because I really can't stand the answers above that above posters's been giving. You mentioned something about him complimenting on looks of other men in magazines and him checking out other guys on streets/while driving. Those 2 things distinguished him as being bi. Because NO STRAIGHT GUY IN THE WORLD COMPLIMENT THE LOOKS OF OTHER GUYS. Only women does with other women and it's not strange, but guys, no. Anyway, bisexual people are sexually attractive to women and may be able to build quite a lasting relationship with them, but depening on his spectrum of bisexuality, he occasionally need to have sex with other men once in a while. Bisexual people are the ones that we find getting married, have kids, and also have a secret male lover that they keep on the side and get together once in a while. Ever seen Brokeback Mountain? That's exactly what they're like, although a lot of bisexual men don't like to have anal sex as far as I'm concerned. I could tell you with 99.99% certainty that your BF is definitely bi. Hope this helps to reassure you, because I really hate those comforting/neutral sounding answers that may put your judgement into dismay and potentially cause you to get into more serious problems later on.

[brazilia]

I have been dating a guy for 2 years now and again.....the feeling that may be gay has arised. He is the sweetest, hottest, sexiest most loving man that is AMAZING in the sack but some of his unspoken behaviors has led me to think he may be gay. He is a very handsome guy, very concerned about his looks, almost obsessive (has had eating disorders and body dismorphia in the past), loves fashion and knows his in that department, likes to be neat and tidy, clean, likes high end beauty products but doesn't sit in the mirror, and just recently overcame additctions and is sober. A lot of the following that I am about to described has happened in his days in which is was intoxicated (both alcohol and drugs) so I am not sure if that was the reason or just brought our the truth. In the past, during a game of truth or dare, with both men and women, he has asked the guys to get naked, ("because he thought that was funny). I found that odd. He mentioned in high school he kissed a guy on a dare. That it was all in fun and games. He seems to check out guys as they walk by or drive by and sometimes makes comments when looking thru magazines about how good looking a man is. He says that too many people are jealous and that he can just accept and appreciate beauty. But he seems to do it more with a man than a woman. He mentioned that one drug dealer would always ask him to give him oral but he never did. He was arrested one weekend in SD visiting a old friend after a night of drinking they got into a fight and he locked himself in his friends bedroom to keep him away and that the cops took him from the bedroom......naked.......which he said he probably was just in bed sleeping because he doesn't remember. I've seen him around a few of his friends ed up and they seem a little too friendly. I also remember when we first met, the style was 80's mod, tight jeans, etc and he would wear womens jeans. I always felt that he was hiding something from me and still to this day, he leaves the room to chat on the phone, I haven't really spent time with his family or friends. Now, I know I have messed around with women when I have been intoxicated but I am not gay, I just want to know if he is, and maybe he doesn't even know yet. More so, my first instinct when I met him was I knew I was in his life for a reason and I felt that that reason was to help him come out. That I didn't want to fall in love with him. Well I did and those initial feelings are coming back. I know he loves me and pleases me in bed (loves to give me oral) but I feel that with his upbringing (who his parents are - influential figures) I don't think, even if he figured it out, would ever come out. And maybe that's why he has addictions.
Please, any advice would be great, because I want to know am I making this up, losing my mind or should I trust my instincts (because for the most part are always right).

I have asked him before and he just said he wasn't gay. I can't commit because I can't deal with the fact that down the line, he just may be.

Please help.

Some guys are METROSEXUAL you should Google it.. and if he is gay he obviusly doesn't know what he wants yet lol:D
He's not gay I think you wish he was obviosly,because if you loved him s0o0o very much you wouldn't be able to see things like that! Your friends would be the one telling you he is gay!

[smoothy]

He may not be gay... he likes women after all, but he is at least bisexual and most certainly a drama queen.

[chrissymarie]

I have been dating a guy for 2 years now and again.....the feeling that may be gay has arised. He is the sweetest, hottest, sexiest most loving man that is AMAZING in the sack but some of his unspoken behaviors has led me to think he may be gay. He is a very handsome guy, very concerned about his looks, almost obsessive (has had eating disorders and body dismorphia in the past), loves fashion and knows his in that department, likes to be neat and tidy, clean, likes high end beauty products but doesn't sit in the mirror, and just recently overcame additctions and is sober. A lot of the following that I am about to described has happened in his days in which is was intoxicated (both alcohol and drugs) so I am not sure if that was the reason or just brought our the truth. In the past, during a game of truth or dare, with both men and women, he has asked the guys to get naked, ("because he thought that was funny). I found that odd. He mentioned in high school he kissed a guy on a dare. That it was all in fun and games. He seems to check out guys as they walk by or drive by and sometimes makes comments when looking thru magazines about how good looking a man is. He says that too many people are jealous and that he can just accept and appreciate beauty. But he seems to do it more with a man than a woman. He mentioned that one drug dealer would always ask him to give him oral but he never did. He was arrested one weekend in SD visiting a old friend after a night of drinking they got into a fight and he locked himself in his friends bedroom to keep him away and that the cops took him from the bedroom......naked.......which he said he probably was just in bed sleeping because he doesn't remember. I've seen him around a few of his friends ed up and they seem a little too friendly. I also remember when we first met, the style was 80's mod, tight jeans, etc and he would wear womens jeans. I always felt that he was hiding something from me and still to this day, he leaves the room to chat on the phone, I haven't really spent time with his family or friends. Now, I know I have messed around with women when I have been intoxicated but I am not gay, I just want to know if he is, and maybe he doesn't even know yet. More so, my first instinct when I met him was I knew I was in his life for a reason and I felt that that reason was to help him come out. That I didn't want to fall in love with him. Well I did and those initial feelings are coming back. I know he loves me and pleases me in bed (loves to give me oral) but I feel that with his upbringing (who his parents are - influential figures) I don't think, even if he figured it out, would ever come out. And maybe that's why he has addictions.
Please, any advice would be great, because I want to know am I making this up, losing my mind or should I trust my instincts (because for the most part are always right).

I have asked him before and he just said he wasn't gay. I can't commit because I can't deal with the fact that down the line, he just may be.

Please help.

Does he have a gay accent?

Also I think a good way to find out is to set him up. Do you know any really cute gay guys who may be his type?

If you don't want to do that bring a gay friend around and see if his gaydar goes off.

I did that to an ex of mine and my friend told me he was definitely gay so I questioned him and he denied. I dumped him anyway. He had way too many gay tendiencies which turned me off.

[Ash123]

Not to be discouraging and all, but I signed up to this site just to answer your question, because I really can't stand the answers above that above posters's been giving. You mentioned something about him complimenting on looks of other men in magazines and him checking out other guys on streets/while driving. Those 2 things distinguished him as being bi. Because NO STRAIGHT GUY IN THE WORLD COMPLIMENT THE LOOKS OF OTHER GUYS. Only women does with other women and it's not strange, but guys, no. Anyway, bisexual people are sexually attractive to women and may be able to build quite a lasting relationship with them, but depening on his spectrum of bisexuality, he occasionally need to have sex with other men once in a while. Bisexual people are the ones that we find getting married, have kids, and also have a secret male lover that they keep on the side and get together once in a while. Ever seen Brokeback Mountain? That's exactly what they're like, although a lot of bisexual men don't like to have anal sex as far as I'm concerned. I could tell you with 99.99% certainty that your BF is definitely bi. Hope this helps to reassure you, because I really hate those comforting/neutral sounding answers that may put your judgement into dismay and potentially cause you to get into more serious problems later on.

Man, I got to laugh at this all for some reason.

"checking out guys on the street and in magazines" is not what I'd call straight guy stuff.

He is either bi/curious or very sexual.

Not all guys are the same, and some are more affectionate and sensitive to other guys looks but this has happened enough to make you uncomfortable.
Bottom line: I'd say accept it - or move on... he ain't changing.

[chrissymarie]

Xrayman: Please read my response again... "He had way too many gay tendiencies which turned me off." I didn't dump him because someone else said he was gay. Lol

Need2know1: I thought about this last night before bed: If his gay tendencies don't turn you off I don't see a problem in your relationship, it seems like everything else is fine including your sex life and him being completely gay would definitely hinder your sex life. Maybe he's bi? Even if so this isn't a problem. It doesn't make him less attracted to you being bi.

[Xrayman]

Chrissy: I chose to comment on that one point-there are others you stated which in my opinion are worse and perhaps make you seem even more shallow.

Eg:

does he have a gay accent?

What's that? A lisp? Not all gay men in fact only a few have a lisp.

also I think a good way to find out is to set him up.

Set him up? What about asking honestly and with understanding?

do you know any really cute gay guys who may be his type?

Again to set him up?

If you don't want to do that bring a gay friend around and see if his gaydar goes off.

Not every gay person has a "gaydar" as evidenced by the posts to this forum from gay men asking if a possible "future boyfriend" is gay-shouldn't his gaydar gone off?

I did that to an ex of mine and my friend told me he was definitely gay

Case in point, setting people up rather than discussion with care. Which would be a better solution perhaps?

I would however like to commend you on this advice though-it was good!

Need2know1: I thought about this last night before bed: If his gay tendencies don't turn you off I don't see a problem in your relationship, it seems like everything else is fine including your sex life and him being completely gay would definitely hinder your sex life. Maybe he's bi? Even if so this isn't a problem. It doesn't make him less attracted to you being bi.
__________________

Well said.

[brazilia]

man, i gotta laugh at this all for some reason.

"checking out guys on the street and in magazines" is not what i'd call straight guy stuff.

he is either bi/curious or very sexual.

not all guys are the same, and some are more affectionate and sensitive to other guys looks but this has happened enough to make you uncomfortable.
bottom line: i'd say accept it - or move on.....he ain't changin.

WELL I think a lot of guys are insecure and most guys that are gay are going to try and hide it! Most likely if he's very open about something's he's not gay wow!. but in germany guys compliment and check each other out all the time.. being completely straight! I have a friend that models for a gay magazine called dna and he's not gay at all half of the men in that magazine aren't gay.. some people are just very open into trying different things! But if it makes you uncomfortable, why are you still with him?:confused:

[brazilia]

some guys are METROSEXUAL you should google it..and if he is gay he obviusly doesnt know what he wants yet lol:D
hes not gay i think you wish he was obviosly,cus if you loved him s0o0o very much you wouldnt be able to see things like that! your friends would be the one telling you he is gay!

Rabbit what are you talking about?:confused:

[smoothy]

Well Drama queens like he is usually tend to be more gay than bi... and its rare for a straight guy to be a drama queen like that.