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jmylove · Jun 12, 2008, 08:06 PM

Up until recently I thought my boyfriend and I were pretty much on the same wave length, however lately he's been feeling a little stifled sexually. While I'm 30 I haven't had to many partners and none who were really freaky or tried anything to crazy.

My boyfriend who I've been in a relationship with for almost 2 years now has been contemplating cheating. How I found this was by trying to throw him a surprise party. I found some past email I wish I hadn't, this was about 3 weeks ago. I was never the girl to check up on my man or try to find out everyone he was talking to, though Jealousy is part of my nature. I never felt like I needed to. He went on a trip without me I searched for people he talks to found something I wish I hadn't.

When he got home from his trip I talked with him about it and he said, he's never done anything though has contemplated it because I'm not slutty enough in the bedroom. I've tried to make suggestions about going to the adult store to get the right kinds of lube for anal sex picking out a dildo (no I don't own one) and also suggested counseling for the 2 of us, but I'm not sure what else I can do. His past girlfriends/partners must have just known what they were doing because he doesn't seem to be up for going to the store with me or the counseling, but I want to give him what he wants.

I have a really hard time with porn, I feel like he's more interested in that than me when he's watching it. Partly because he was watching so much of it that we stopped having sex for a while. So I really can't get off when we watch it together. Any suggestions?

Fr_Chuck · Jun 12, 2008, 08:12 PM

Please understand he is having the problem not you. First porn can often destroy a relationshiop over all, but esp if one partner is not into it and one person is watching it alone, It gives the man normally a poor idea of what real love making is, to a pure animal sexual behavior for the mans pleasure only. Not a equal sharing.

Also he is showing he has not concern for your feelings since he will not take about what he wants, helps to make it happen, even going to the sex store to help pick out some toys.

And his past girlfriends may not have either, he may have some unreal ideas of sex from all the porn also.

Yep, he has a porn issue and he needs help since he is putting porn over a real life relationship.

jmylove · Jun 12, 2008, 10:38 PM

I realize it's not all me, but he is trying to work on it as well. We're perfectly compatible in every other way and I'd hate for our relationship to end because I have hang ups in the bedroom. I'm an old fashioned girl I guess, and I'm just not sure where to find out about things. I do appreciate your response, and know until he is willing to give a little more we will likely be stuck. I just wish I knew what to do.

Synnen · Jun 12, 2008, 11:07 PM

Tell him you'd be HAPPY to get "kinky" in the bedroom, and that one of your fantasies is to watch him take anal sex from another man, and that you'd LOVE to fulfill HIS kinky fantasies once he takes care of yours.

When he balks at that (and he will), point out that what he's asking from you is JUST THE SAME as what you just asked for from him. If he's not willing to work with you in the bedroom, and understand that you are just NOT comfortable with some things--then HE is the one with the problem.

Though oftentimes I'm the "pro" person for porn, in this case I agree with Chuck--he's got some unrealistic expectations.

Make sure he understands (and make sure YOU are committed to this) that if he cheats, you leave. Period. "not being kinky enough in the bedroom" is not worth a death sentence from an STD.

hollylovesbrandon · Jun 13, 2008, 05:55 PM

First, you shouldn't want to change. I am sure you are perfectly fine the way you are. The fact that he was CONTEMPLATING cheating rather than talking to you about him not being satisfied doesn't speak highly of him at all. If he really cared about the relationship and this sexual incompatibility was that important to him, he would have made it a point to talk to you first. Secondly, anyone who contemplates cheating SERIOUSLY isn't worth your time because if he didn't do it this time, he WILL do it next time. Thirdly, you can't be too old fashioned if you were willing to try toys such as dildo's and take anal... he should be thankful. Hope I was helpful!

Fr_Chuck · Jun 13, 2008, 06:28 PM

Of course sex is to be fun, there is all sorts of things to spice up a relationship, dress up, role playing, sex toys, dozens ( OK more but not at my age) of positions. Varioius rooms of the house, sex is not just for the bedroom or even just for indoors.

But then it all needs to be agreed to, any activity not agreed to is never right. And your partner also has to learn to accept some limitations if there are some. He can be perfectly fulfilled within the borders

Choux · Jun 15, 2008, 03:21 PM

My opinion is that he is a porn addict, and he is using you. Not only that, he has no consideration of your feelings, and he doesn't respect you.

Pretty simple decision, not so easy in executing it... move on.

talaniman · Jun 15, 2008, 05:43 PM

First of all you should be learning together what you both like, and the boundaries that define this relationship. That takes communicating, and working together. If he is contemplating cheating for any reason, he is using an excuse to justify his future bad behavior, and lay the blame at your feet. Not fair at all on his part. His expectations are unrealistic, his excuses are abominable, and his character doesn't impress me at all. He is yours, so talk and listen, and don't just give in to please him, unless he does the same.

I doubt my wife would go along with that program, if we were in a similar circumstance, nor would she buy the not slutty enough excuse at all.

There is no excuse to cheat. None.

N0help4u · Jun 15, 2008, 07:01 PM

While everybody had good replies my reply would match Hollylovesbrandon word for word!
Also if he is not satisfied and you want to satisfy him you might want to find out how far it goes with pleasing him. He may want more than some simple kinky stuff with just the two of you.

smoothy · Jun 16, 2008, 06:31 AM

No way should you do something because someone else wants you to. Now if you want to do it because you want to try new things then that's a different story.

Only do what you want... and only what you are comfortible with. If you don't resentment will follow.

Some people are a great match and others aren't. That's life. Everyone has their boundries and those bounderies need to be respected even if it means moving on and finding someone new that is more compatible. First and foremost you have to be comfortible with yourself and what you will and will not do.

If he is a man he will respect that and not try to shame you into doing something you don't want to do.