[magrock]

my boyfriend & I have been dating for 11 months now. We knew each other 10yrs ago but were only friends but we always had that spark. We later met up yrs later & we both thought "it was meant to be" to find each other again. We love each other very much & had a great relationship until our flaws started to come out- he is border-line alcoholic who did not finish school & tries to be financially stable where I am "drama-queen" who my parents have spoiled me & expect me to marry a man who is financially stable, educated,etc... but somehow we made it through the tough times & stuck together but I pick fights at least 1x a week because part of me knows I can do better but I love him & we have broken up 2x before but always came back to each other.

I recently asked him if he was still in love w/me? He could not answer because he told me I stress him out so much & fight w/him that it effects how he feels. I am confused should I break free or try to make it work by not fighting w/him? One thing I know for sure is we love each other a lot... any tips/advice would greatly be appreciated!

thanks!

[progunr]

How much longer do you plan to torture this guy?

You admit you "pick fights" at least once a week, because part of you knows you can do better?

You need to grow up, since you said you were friends 10 years ago, that would indicate to me that you are no teenager!

He may not be the greatest guy, no high school diploma, border line alcoholic, but he does not deserve to be tortured by you for the rest of his life.

You admit to being spoiled, you admit what you really want is a guy with money and more desirable qualities, OK then, leave this one alone and go find THAT guy.

[talaniman]

You know your faults, and feed into them instead of changing into a more complete, and balanced person. That is immature, and shows your not ready for an adult relationship.

Since its not fair to torture this fellow with your own childish ways, set him free, and work on yourself, so you can grow up. Sorry I couldn't sugar-coat this better, but you need to know, how your actions affect others in a negative way.

[Romefalls19]

Never change for someone else as the change does not stick. You must change for yourself, and yourself only. Then and only then will you truly be changed completely and know you did it for the right reasons. If you two mean that much to each other then he will notice the change and things will start to turn around

[kp2171]

I have loved a couple of women I couldn't be with. I honestly loved them, but it wasn't the right fit.

Those who say love conquers all are clueless. Love is a big part of a relationship, but compatibility in many areas, including sex, financial responsibility, goals... these are the areas that can make or break many marriages and relationships.

So I don't doubt you love him. But time invested isn't a reason to stay. Love alone isn't a reason to stay. You state you know you "can do better"... I think this places you and he on different levels. If my girlfriend said that about me, id have been out the door.

So time to cut the ties for good. Get a backbone and own up to the situation. no... its no fun to be in this place.

But the presence of the familiar isn't going to save this relationship... it might seem comforting short term, but long term you are just delaying the inevitable.

Its time to solve these problems or to walk away from them.

[magrock]

kp2171- I just re-read your advice & we made decision to part ways... you are right love is not enough you need more in order to have a lasting relationship. I confused the fact that I loved him so much that I could make it work. I did not see him in my future because he was not ambitious at all & not only that but I can finally admit that he was alcoholic & it really scared me as much as he told me he would stop it was still there in front of my eyes. I wanted to be his angel & save him he has been through a lot in his life & he truly is a great person but he is not the right match for me.

How do I get through this... I miss him & being w/him... thank you for telling me to get a backbone which is what I did but I finally admitted that he is not the ONE...

[kp2171]

Well... how you get through it is day to day. Its no fun to be alone when you are used to the comfort of what is familiar. But you also know that having a battle or two every week isn't what you want in a relationship.

You stated you are a drama queen. You admit to picking fights. Some of this probably comes from your situation... when things are stressed its just not hard to find things to fight about... and usually you are fighting about nothing, certainly not the real issues that need resolved. And some of this is your "nature".

Understanding your nature is important. You still need to find ways to talk to and understand a mate. During this time when you are trying to figure things out, trying to get through the noise, its not a bad time to step back and take stock. Start a journal or simply use a notebook. Write down what went right and wrong. What was missing from this relationship? What did you need that you didn't get? What did he need that you didn't give?

Read The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman... easy read, short, gets you to think about how easily we can confuse each other by "speaking" in different "dialects"... he also wrote Covenant Marriage... which is angled to those of Christian faith, but has good ideas for anyone concerning communication and relationship building.

So... how you get through this is you trust you are doing the right thing. You need to step away from the relationship. Take some time to be alone. You have to mourn this much like a death of a friend.

Been there and done that myself a few times.

[magrock]

Wow beautifully put... I know deep down inside that I have some soul-searching myself on what I want in a relationship & what a guy should want from me as well...

I really appreciate your words & advice... one day at a time... but breakups are so hard & even harder when you still love the person very much & neither us hurt each other...

[talaniman]

Break ups happens to us all, click on the links in my signature and read the "stickies" for tis forum for some insights and suggestions about handling a break up.