[thekid55]

Hello. I've made posts on here before, but I am looking to gain new insight!

I was with this girl for about 2 months before summer break came at college. Her and I would do a lot of things together. Go out together, share a bed, have sexual moments, etc. We were basically acting like a couple and things were great between us.

The summer came and we decided to not go into it with a title. She left for home and was extremely upset to leave me. Since she left, we have been talking almost everyday together. Things have been upbeat. However, there has been one problem.

Her social life at home is a mess. Her ex boyfriend has been trying to get back together with her for the longest time. They have been broken up since January. He seemed to leave her alone when we had our time at school, but ever since she has been home, he has been blaming drug addictions on her, having his friends yell at her, causing scenes at parties.

They have a lot of mutual friends so she ends up running into him at a lot of gatherings. Some of her friends have made her feel bad for having a new guy (me) when they see her ex is so obsessed with her. People in her town seem to be unwilling to let go of the past.

To make her feel better, I arranged a trip to come visit her this week. I made the plans a few weeks ago to go see her since we are 5 hours apart for the summer.

Here's the twist in the story. 2 saturdays ago, a huge fallout with her ex happened when he tried to kiss her and she slapped him across the face. She called me upset about it and I tried to make her feel better. The problems with the ex continued for the next few days and it got to the point where I told her that I didn't want to hear about the ex anymore. I would talk to her about any other problem she had, except the ex because it was starting to get ridiculous and no one likes to hear about an ex.

We ended up getting into this huge argument about it. Where she said that I should listen to her problems if it's bothering her. But why listen when she is not doing anything to make it better? She just said "I can't do this anymore. You don't know how I feel. I just want to be friends".

Boom. The fight happened last Wednesday. We didn't talk until Sunday when I called her and told her that I was sorry since I should have been more supportive. Yes, a little crazy I know. And I asked about the trip. She doesn't think it's a good idea if we stay in the same house. It's just mind boggling to here her say this after she was counting down the days till I came.

My room mate lives near her so I told her that I was coming to see him and she said that she would come hang if I were to visit him. I said to her that I could tell that she isn't into this anymore and she just says that she has a lot going on at home right now.

We haven't talked since this conversation on the phone. It's just mind blowing because things couldn't get any better when we were at school. She rarely comes on AIM anymore and if she does, her away messages are always depressing like, "Get me out of here." "I want to go back to school" or just like, "yep"... It's a shame that she has let these problems interfere with us. I haven't even done anything wrong here. What do you think of this situation and what should I do? Obviously I really like her a lot, but the ball is in her court. I just wish she would view the trip as a way for us to reconnect... Why would she not want to see me after I apologized to her and all and why do you think she is not talking to me now? Thoughts of this situation?

[plonak]

I say give her the space and time that she needs.. it's a difficult situation I agree, since there is no title. And I can see why you're scared to give her her space because you're worried she'll just give up or forget about you.. but unforunatly that's your only option here.. if you're meant to be then it will be and you just have to have faith in it..

When you get in town, I suggest you call her and let her know you're there but leave it casual and don't make her feel pressured.. she's dealing with a lot now, I'm sure she's feeling a lot of guilt and if you add to that, she's just going to see you the same as her ex.. give her the thought that you are different from him, and when she thinks about the fun she had with you ( and if she's a smart girl) she will want to go back to it.. if not, then she's not the kind of girl you want anyway.. (always going back to the EX and not deciding, confused) hope that helps

[JBeaucaire]

Step off, step back. Relax. You can't save your friendship while you two are pursuing a failing relationship. Get your friendship back before it's too late.

And when she shares her problems with you, try listening and not offering her advice. Just listen and let her know you understand her situation. Ask her if she needs you to do anything for her. Don't tell her how to solve it unless SHE asks you for suggestions first. Girls just like to vent sometimes and being there to listen is all they really want.

[thekid55]

Long story short, I was with this girl at college for 2 months. We broke up when summer started since she couldn't give me 100%(We are 5 hours apart in the summer and she had loom ex boyfriend problems at home)... I went to see her yesterday after she told me she wanted to see me. We were never in an official relationship but we had a lot of mutual feelings and sex.

Yesterday was so awkward with her. I get out of the train and I hope that I see her right away and I don't. I go to the car and we meet and hug for a long time. No kissing or anything. We go to lunch and I asked, are we good now? And then it just got on that whole topic. I asked one of our mutual friends for advice and this friend I guess went to go try find out what's going on with her and she already knew that I had asked. She just wants me to come to her and talk. And she was just very, non-committal I guess is the right word? Like, she told me that I was trying to tell her what to do by suggesting to not go where the ex is, etc. And I explained that that wasn't the case.

We ended up hanging out for maybe 4-5 hrs... basically had lunch and did a bunch of errands her mom dropped on her. She even said that she has no clue where the girl that I really liked at school went. She says that she has no motivation anymore. Her job hasn't started and she just resorts doing things for her parents all day. At night, she says that she goes out drinking with friends and always sees the ex around. While he isn't a problem anymore, she says that the drinking kind of gets her away from reality. This is just so shocking to have me sitting there listening to her be so depressing. It just makes me want to help her, but there's nothing I can do. We joked around at some points, but overall, it was awkward because we weren't being her and I that we always are. She doesn't know why she feels this way about everything. She doesn't talk to people at school very often and just hangs out with some friends at home mainly. She is an absolute emotional mess and I just want to help her.

Finally, at the end of the day, she tells me that she is 100% over her ex boyfriend, but not totally over the relationship. This confused me. And I just tell her, then why did you start up with me then? And she says that she knew she was totally over it while we were at school, just that she got home and she realized that she isn't over the relationship. She only wants to be friends with him. Apparently, he has this bad rep with drugs and such now and he does them because of the breakup. She told me when summer started that she couldn't commit 100% and she still can't. She still likes me a lot, is attracted to me and all. But she wants to be able to give me all of her. I told her before I left that I would wait for her because I care, but I can't wait forever. A friendship has to be rebuild before we can ever think about a relationship.

I did text her today saying like, I hope you had a good day today and all. And she immediately responded to my texts. A lot of one word answers and such, but I'm just not trying to put pressure on.

We had a lot of things working against us... we were only really "together" for 2 months before school ended. Not a large base obviously. Not being able to see each other when problems happen. Etc. I want that connection we had back so badly. I guess it'll just take time and I'll see if it's meant to be.

What's your take on this situation now? What should I do for the rest of the summer? What should I do moving forward with contacting her and such? My ultimate goal would be pick up where we left off at school. Your thoughts?

[westnlas]

I'm sorry, but this has way too much drama. It sounds a bit like a soap opera. Either she is in love with you or she isn't and she's had the time to think it through. You would be better off dating someone else, because I just can't see it happening with her. Relationships are hard enough when both people are wholly committed to each other, why involve yourself with someone who isn't totally committed to having a relationship with you ? Move on.

[taytortot]

OK so I know this girl really likes you I can tell and I think she's going though a really hard patch and so I think u should go out with her but make sure that she's over her x well... take some time till she gets over her x wait like 6 monthes be friends when she's ready go for it!!

[talaniman]

Of course you do have other things to do, places to be, and people to see.

I can see no good waiting for someone to figure out what they want, or who they want to be with.

Me, I enjoy my summer. Let her fogure her life out, without any pressure from you.

[thekid55]

Hello. I'm a 19 year old college freshman. Freshman year was a great year for me. Good grades, friends, etc. I met this really fun, awesome girl in February and it evolved to being more than from March till the end of the school year (May). We spent a lot of time together, had a great time, very sexual, etc. We did everything that couple do, except have a title. I met her family, she met mine, shared a bed every night, we were both truly happy. It was a tearful goodbye when she left for the summer.

Summer comes along and within the first week, she tells me that she can't give me 100%. Until then, we had been talking everyday and we continued to speak everyday. As soon as she got home, her ex boyfriend had been calling her non-stop. They dated for a year in high school and broke up in January. While she is over him, but she has seen him at a lot of places because they have the same friends. He has made a huge deal because she has me now and has even got his friends to make to a big deal about it. He has pinned his drug addiction on her. He even tried to kiss her one night and she ended up slapping him and he called her a "c Unt".

So after sitting there and listening to these problems for 2 weeks, I tell her that she needs to do something about it because I don't want to hear about them anymore and the situation is avoidable. This leads to a huge argument where she tells me that I "lecture" her on what to do rather than just listen to her. And I tell her that she needs to do something about the ex. And we've never had an actual fight... every problem has been centered with this ex. So she ends up telling me that she can't do this with me anymore.

5 days go by, I call her and talk to her since I had this trip planned to come see her. I tell her that I am coming now to visit my room mate who lives nearby and she suggests that I come out to lunch with her beforehand.

I agree and lunch happened last Friday. It was so awkward. She wasn't being herself. And it really bothered me. At one point, I asked her if we were okay now. And that led to opening the flood gates with problems. And she said that I was trying to tell her what to do by not going where her ex is. And I simply told her that I didn't want her to be upset. And she says that he is in her group of friends so she can't avoid him. I did get a bit needy at times when I would say "Let's just go back to normal" and she would say that it is not that easy. Lastly, as she was taking me to my room mates, she tells me that she is totally over her ex, but she is not over the relationship she had with him. He has this drug addiction, gets into a lot of trouble, and is going to community college next year to be closer to her. (Our school is 2 hours away). I got pretty mad because I asked her why she got involved with me in the first place and she told me that she was totally over him but the problem came to surface when she got home. That's why she told me she couldn't give me 100%

Recap: She told me on the trip that she still really likes me a lot, but she can't fully commit to me. She told me not to wait for her because she doesn't know how long it'll be. She also said that she goes out drinking most nights to get away from her problems. She really doesn't talk to many of her friends from school and her job hasn't started yet. It is almost like she is in a state of depression. I told her that she just needs time to let things go and having the job will help.

The last time I spoke to her was on Saturday afternoon, asking about her day and she asked about my room mate's. It was an upbeat conversation, but I think I need to stop initiating contact. Maybe not to the extreme of NC, but I will respond to her if she contacts me. And just be myself.

I think this situation just needs time since we weren't together for very long before the summer came. Plus, I'm not going to pressure her and just walk away. I've made my attempts to try to get things to work. If anything, I would just want things to go back when we get to school. Gives her a solid 2 1/2 months to get over her last relationship and allows me time to explore other options.

Advice?

[JBeaucaire]

College relationships are so convenient and fun, feel committed but mostly are just comfortable. Splitting up for the summer is NONE of those things.

She's right. You're being long-distance controlling.
You're right. She could be smarter in where and whom she spends her time.

You're both wrong by not automatically understanding the position of the other person and defending that person's right to feel/think it. You try to argue them out of their position. That's not useful.

So, you two are still too immature emotionally and relationally to do this LD thing. It's that simple. Together, I bet you two defer to each other all the time. Apart, your neurosis and insecurity are festering away and her desire to "keep having fun" is running unchecked.

You two are good together, and suck apart. If you're going to be apart, BE APART. Cut the bond (you said there were no committed titles, right?) and each have the summer you want to have.

If you want to wait faithfully for your non/girlfriend/bedbuddy to return to school, you can. That's you deciding what YOU are going to do. You can't decide/instruct her on her summer. She gets to do what she wants, too.

In the Fall, who knows, catch up on news and see how things are going. Keep it simple. Your relationship will mature when you no longer feel the need to move your girl off who she is and what she wants and she reciprocates.

[thekid55]

Right. I agree. So do you think that is only a temporary thing for the summer? We both did agree that problems were easier to overcome at school when we were both able to see each other. Do you think she is totally giving up or do you think it is just for the summer?

[JBeaucaire]

I think it's just for the summer, unless it's permanent. See how frustrating this stuff gets?

Let her have her summer. Leave her be. You have your summer, do the things you want, including pining over her, if that's what you want to do.

But as long as you're apart, it's technically over, so don't over-romanticize things, OK? You two are excellently close friends with some sexual benefits, and now you're friends who aren't around each other.

Pay attention to your REAL life for the next 3 months. Let the Fall take care of itself. Seriously, let it go. September will come and then it will be whatever it is.

By then you could 3 months into a SERIOUS relationship with someone. You do acknowledge that possibility, right? Just have a great summer.

[thekid55]

I agree with what you are saying.

I'm going to have my summer and she is going to have hers. Instead of being a needy, wussy person over the situation, I'm just going to carry myself properly. I will be viewed with more respect over it. Plus I will look more attractive to other females instead of dwelling over one.

I had one situation in the past where I acted like a wuss over a breakup. Even her ex now acted like a huge wuss when they broke up. He got into this huge drug problem over her and even forced himself to our college to see her. Back in February, I still remember looking around the cafeteria for a place to sit and she waved me over when he was there. Her and I were just starting to become friends and I thought it was so pathetic with what he was doing. Also, she was flirting with me the whole time. Haha. She told me that he got on his hands and knees and was begging her to take him back this summer... there's no way any girl could feel attraction to that...

You never know what will happen in the future. I might meet a great girl or maybe I've already met her and it hasn't evolved yet. Maybe it'll re-evolve with this girl. That's why the future is such a mysterious thing... you don't know what its going to be.

But yeah, I'm enjoying my summer... working a lot... visiting friends from home and at school... I have gone out on a few dates... I'm just having fun and you are right, September will figure itself out! Nothing to worry about... I can only control my actions.

She'll have her time to "get over her last relationship" while I'm enjoying myself and we'll see what happens.

[thekid55]

Anyone else?>

[thekid55]

I was dating this girl for about 2 months at college. Summer vacation started a month ago and we began a LDR. During the school year, we spent a lot of time together, slept together, were intimate. All of our friends were extremely happy for us. She took me home one weekend to meet her family and she has met some of mine. She left for summer and cried in my arms for almost 20 minutes because she didn't want to leave me...

So here is the summer. We are 19 years old and 5 hours apart for the summer. As soon as she gets home, her ex boyfriend starts calling her like crazy. They dated for a year in high school and broke up in January. (We got together in late March). Their colleges were about 12 hours apart. They broke up because the distance wasn't working out and he told her that she wasn't worth it. Since then, he sent her flowers, tried calling her, everything that most dumpees due to try to win their ex back... and you know what these actions did... they pushed her right into MY arms.

So summer comes, we have great conversations everyday. Keep things light. I plan a trip to go see her. Being at home, she goes to a lot of parties. Since her ex is in her friends circle, she has seen him a lot. He has started numerous fights with her. Blamed his drug addiction on her, got his sister to yell at her, got his friends to make her feel bad for having me, etc. It was always a constant problem with him and she kept putting herself in that situation because she wanted to be with her friends. He even tried to kiss her one night and she slapped him.

So I'm listening to problems about him for a few weeks and in the beginning, I would try to help her with the problems, but over time, the problems with him started to dominate the conversations. I told her overtime that I just didn't want to hear about the ex anymore and she needs to do something about it. I tried to offer her advice, but she viewed this as "I was trying to control her" or "Lecturing her on what to do" This led to a huge fight and she told me that she just can't do our relationship anymore since she is stressed out, I don't understand her, she is over her ex, but not over the relationship with him. I don't get that. This all happened about 3 weeks ago. Concerning the advice, I told her in the future, I would be more sympathetic to her needs without injecting advice without her asking for it.

So I let about 4 days pass before contacting her. Her and I had this trip planned for me to visit her. So I called her, asked about the trip, she said it wasn't a good idea for me to come and stay with her. I told her that I was coming to visit my room mate who lives near her and she wanted to have lunch with me when I came. We ended up going out to lunch. Things were really awkward with her, we had a few laughs, but overall, she seemed depressed. At the time, her job hadn't started up yet and she told me that she would go out at nights to drink and just get away from her problems. She told me that it was unfair to put me through her problems at home. She told me not to wait for her and she doesn't know how long it'll be.

After the trip, I visited my room mate and had a great time. I ended up IMing her a few days later bragging about the Lakers winning and she responded the next day when the Celtics won the title. Bragging and joking around.

That was the last time I heard from her. Around last Wednesday. I really have no impulse to contact her. And I realize that her and I are just in two different places right now. Seems like she has some demons from the past to put away before she can move forward. I'm probably 95% confident that there is no one else in the picture. I didn't do the whole needy, begging deal that some dumpees do. I do miss her. We would talk a few times everyday and I always looked forward to it. I haven't wallowed in the breakup.. I've been exercising, working, hanging with friends, and even dating! If it's meant to be, it'll be. Maybe we just need some time apart.

My question: Given the situation and the outside forces, do you think that we might have a shot to resurrect things come September? It is a long time... Over 2 months away.

[ylaira]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...me-230817.html

[JBeaucaire]

I haven't wallowed in the breakup.. I've been exercising, working, hanging with friends, and even dating! If it's meant to be, it'll be.

You're dead on, dude. Follow that path!

Maybe we just need some time apart... Given the situation and the outside forces, do you think that we might have a shot to resurrect things come September? It is a long time... Over 2 months away.

Fortune-telling doesn't really help and distracts you from the great summer you SAID you were already having. Stay focused on reality, not "what-ifs", OK?

[thekid55]

I agree. Anyone else?

[confused1145]

Just try to keep her off your mind for the summer. Do what you enjoy doing. Like you said, if it's meant to be it will be. You don't know what's going to happen until September rolls around.

[thekid55]

Anyone else?

[thekid55]

Anyone that has followed my threads knows that my girl at school and I decide to take a break. After about a week of not talking, she called me around 5 yesterday. Since I have not been moping around or doing nothing with my life, I did not see her call. I was out running and trying to better myself. I ended up calling her back around 7. We had a good conversation. For about 10 minutes. She was asking me about my life since we haven't talked in a little while. I asked about her new job and things of that nature. No talk at all about the relationship. No neediness on my half. Plus I haven't been needy at all since we have been apart. She told me that she was making dinner and jello-shots with one of her girlfriends.

She is really busy with her life working 5x a week... I'm working 5x a week and going on vacation next week. Both of us have busy lives, so it was good to talk to her. I'm not going to play any games... I'm just going to treat her like everyone else. We joked around a few things and it was overall, a good conversation. I'm not plotting any games or anything. I'm just going with flow... After I told her that I hadda get going she said something like, "Well it was great to hear from you..I just wanted to see how you were since we haven't talked in awhile...I will talk to you later"

I know she didn't say, "I want to work on the relationship" and I'm fine that she didn't say this. This was probably a test to see how was I and how I would act. And I definitely passed. It was good to talk to her and we will see what happens in the future!