[bigbird213]

Hang in there star, just try to stop, breathe and think next time you want to do something and try to imagine what you will feel like after. If it is better, then do it. If not, don't!

Now a question that I have.

I am well beyond the point of wanting to get back together with my ex. I suppose I miss the connection we had at times, but how much I actually miss the relationship is debatable at this point. My question is this... Has anyone ever noticed that you want to talk to them NOT FOR YOU but for them? I don't need to talk to her at all, haven't really had the urge to call her out of loneliness or missing her in a long time. Funny thing is, sometimes the thought runs through my mind to make contact because I want her to know I don't hate her.

Its pretty backwards actually... She broke up with me, and at times I have feelings of contacting her so that she doesn't think I'm mad at her. Now, don't worry, I'm not going to do it, just trying to see if anyone else knows what I'm talking about...

Maybe it's the nice guy syndrome??

[NorthernNiceGuy]

I personally think it's the nice guy syndrome... She can think whatever she wants, not your problem anymore.

If you were to call her though you might find out some things you don't want to hear right now, even though you think you might be ready. Remember what that one simple pic on the internet did to you. I'd say call her one day when you are feeling really good, and hey by then you might not care to at all.

[starlite1]

Hi Bigbird,

Thank you so much, I appreciate your being there for me :)

With regards to your post,

I absolutely understand what you are saying. I especially did that with my ex husband, and my ex b/f (the one that I am dealing with now). I always want to make sure that they are okay, and that they aren't mad at me. Even if they broke up with me, or I broke off with them. Actually, I do that with everyone, friends, family too! Even if something was done that wasn't my fault, I would apologize, and ensure that everything is Okay.

I have been accused by EVERYONE, that I apologize way too much. But that is me, and I empathize with people, and I care, no matter who is in the wrong.

[bigbird213]

If you were to call her though you might find out some things you don't want to hear right now, even though you think you might be ready. Remember what that one simple pic on the internet did to you. I'd say call her one day when you are feeling really good, and hey by then you might not care to at all.

Oh, absolutely.

Don't take my post to mean I wanted to do it. I'm just trying to gain a better understanding of what this is. I personally think understanding all of your thoughts and urges helps tremendously when trying to overcome any big issues in the future.

Thanks for the input.

[bigbird213]

But that is me, and I empathize with people, and I care, no matter who is in the wrong.

The funny thing is, by trying to "make sure they are okay" not only can you jeopardize yourself, but you might actually do the opposite for them. If they are trying to move on, and you contact them, it certainly isn't helping.

[starlite1]

The funny thing is, by trying to "make sure they are okay" not only can you jeopardize yourself, but you might actually do the opposite for them. If they are trying to move on, and you contact them, it certainly isn't helping.

That is true too, and I have come to think that as well, several months ago. It took me 39 years to realize that; by sometimes doing what I feel in my heart is good, can sometimes be very detrimental. (I guess this old gal can learn new tricks LOL)!

[classicrocker]

I know I shouldn't let it get to me but I can't help but wounder how my ex's date went last night. Its driving me nuts. I don't know damn her

[damaged]

i know i shouldnt let it get to me but i can't help but wounder how my ex's date went last night. its driving me nuts. idk damn her

That's why we should stick to no contact.I bet you that if you wouldn't have contacted her, you wouldn't know she went on a date!. NC is very important... it is VERY HARD though... but you just got to focus... & right now just watch TV, call your friends and go out, or play guitar or video games, or skate... w.e entertains you!!

[starlite1]

i know i shouldnt let it get to me but i can't help but wounder how my ex's date went last night. its driving me nuts. idk damn her

Hi Rocker,

I know, I'm sure it is. But, Damaged is right. You should get out and about with some friends, and go have fun. Do anything you can to take your mind off this. I know this is WAY easier said than done. Trust me when I say that this would be consuming my entire thoughts. But, you have to fight those thoughts somehow with thinking good things for yourself (not to think of her). If if your friends are busy, or you don't feel like seeing anybody, stay right here. We are all here, 24/7 ;)

[Sikativ]

Hang in there star, just try to stop, breathe and think next time you want to do something and try to imagine what you will feel like after. If it is better, then do it. If not, don't!

Now a question that I have.

I am well beyond the point of wanting to get back together with my ex. I suppose I miss the connection we had at times, but how much I actually miss the relationship is debatable at this point. My question is this... Has anyone ever noticed that you want to talk to them NOT FOR YOU but for them? I don't need to talk to her at all, haven't really had the urge to call her out of loneliness or missing her in a long time. Funny thing is, sometimes the thought runs through my mind to make contact because I want her to know I don't hate her.

Its pretty backwards actually...She broke up with me, and at times I have feelings of contacting her so that she doesn't think I'm mad at her. Now, don't worry, I'm not going to do it, just trying to see if anyone else knows what I'm talking about...

Maybe its the nice guy syndrome???

I know the feeling. However, with how her and I broke up, I come out looking like at a$$ either way and with her telling people I hit her, it just cements the fact.

So I'll just play the @$$ card and stick to my own business. Working on going through her stuff today and packing it up into the dressers.

-Sik

[starlite1]

Hi Sik,

She is the a$$, big time. Not you at all.

[hjpan]

yea, well hjpan, it always crosses your mind that you could say that, I know it would definitely make her feel horrible. But its not me, birds right, even though she has hurt me I don't want to hurt her. I am better than that and won't sink down to her level. Chances are she is going to go through this one day, so I will let karma take care of things... and then she'll know how it feels. And I wouldn't be surprised if she called me when it did.
Who knows how honest she was about things, but I wouldn't be surprised if its a lie. But I am not even going to think about that. And advice to everyone else, don't think of the "what ifs" "could ofs" "what they're doins"and the "maybes"... You don't have control over any of these things and allowing them to take over your mind will make you miserable. '

Lets just toss this experiences into the ol NC fire.. Should keep it burning for a while longer.



Hjpan,

Well it seems your ex has just thrown you into the friends category without your permission. She still misses you a lot but obviously just wants to be friends. So being friends for her is great. She gets to talk to you and make herself feel better because she misses you, as well as lessen her guilt for hurting you. And what do you get Hjpan, your ex telling you that their life is ok... meaning ok without you!

That last line was something "told me that she cares for her friends and wanted to see how I was doing."

You're not friends right now, not until you are ready to be friends. All this has done has just made her feel good and you upset.... And don't friends not make friends upset?

Hit the NC hard!

Truly, I have set myself a limitation on her. I will not call her for a while since I still need some space. For friendship, it is still on my shoulders; in other words, I do not really know if friendship can be shrugged onto a shoulder right after being dumped two weeks prior.

Thank you all for support :)

[starlite1]

It's 8:25 pm Tues. night, and no response from him from the text I sent him this morning. I am heartbroken but I did this to myself. I guess I didn't mean that much to him, then again, I broke up with him this time. I guess I deserve the no response...

[bigbird213]

I do not really know if friendship can be shrugged onto a shoulder right after being dumped two weeks prior.

Its very rare that it can - I think your best bet is to not even try, not worth the risk just yet.

[losingit77]

Hey all -

Its been awhile but I'm back. You all seem to be doing really good and I'm so happy to see such a strong and truly caring group of complete strangers. Hang in there. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

And like most on here are saying now. I feel the same. I don't miss my ex anymore. I miss what I "thought" we had. But now almost 2 1/2 months post-breakup, I can say. What we "had" for the last year of our relationship really wasn't all that great. I was in a relationship with him, but he had one foot out the door the whole time. So forget about trying to get back "what you had" with the ex with someone else. Truly think about what you actually want out of a relationship. If you're clear about that in your head, one day it'll make it so much easier to find that person that wants the same.

If the past 4 years have taught me anything, its taught me what I truly want in a relationship and in a partner. And now back in the dating game, it makes it soooo much easier to identify the princes from the frogs. Don't ever settle for less than you deserve! And don't ever settle for giving more than you're getting!

Ok, enough of a pep talk. (That pep talk was just as much for me as for everyone).

It gets easier. Trust me, I was crying for over a month and thinking about him every waking moment. Sure I still think about him.. but not out of longing or sadness. More out of a "wow, that was a crazy time in my life...good and bad".

Keep yourself busy and find new distractions. It works!!

[hjpan]

Its very rare that it can - I think your best bet is to not even try, not worth the risk just yet.

That is what I am doing.

[NorthernNiceGuy]

Hey all -

Its been awhile but I'm back. You all seem to be doing really good and I'm so happy to see such a strong and truly caring group of complete strangers. Hang in there. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

And like most on here are saying now. I feel the same. I don't miss my ex anymore. I miss what I "thought" we had. But now almost 2 1/2 months post-breakup, I can say. What we "had" for the last year of our relationship really wasn't all that great. I was in a relationship with him, but he had one foot out the door the whole time. So forget about trying to get back "what you had" with the ex with someone else. Truly think about what you actually want out of a relationship. If you're clear about that in your head, one day it'll make it so much easier to find that person that wants the same.

If the past 4 years have taught me anything, its taught me what I truly want in a relationship and in a partner. And now back in the dating game, it makes it soooo much easier to identify the princes from the frogs. Don't ever settle for less than you deserve! And don't ever settle for giving more than you're getting!

Ok, enough of a pep talk. (That pep talk was just as much for me as for everyone).

It gets easier. Trust me, I was crying for over a month and thinking about him every waking moment. Sure I still think about him..but not out of longing or sadness. More out of a "wow, that was a crazy time in my life...good and bad".

Keep yourself busy and find new distractions. It works!!!

Hey Losingit,

I totally agree on where you are coming from. Just missing what I thought we had. My relationship the last year hasn't been very good. And she had made me literally a depressed mess for at least 4 months of that year. I found a computer wallpaper I had made back in February (2 months before we broke up), it was just a couple sentences that I wrote out one night after she blew me off for the bar... Its kind of weird because in it I predicted what was going to happen. Reading it daily helped me back then, and reading it now it helps even more... Thought I would share...

"I will not let her or the sadness created from her define who I am and how I feel. I do not need her, I am a strong, independent, good person who deserves someone who will love me unconditionally. I don’t know why I ever put her on this pedestal, she is not my life and will never define my life or what i can be. I will be ok on my own. I got family and friends that love me and soon enough she will become no more than a memory to me."

Kind of cheesy but that sort of stuff helps.

[bigbird213]

NNG,

Not cheesy, it's a little inspiring actually. I enjoyed it, thanks!

[friend4u178]

I agree with bigbird

Not cheesy at all.

[plonak]

Wow NNG,

It's a wonder you stayed with her 4 months more after writing that, but you didn't want to give up on the relationship and that shows that you're a good caring person.. you gave that relationship everything you could and it just didn't work.. at least you don't have the guilt in the back of your head telling you that you didn't try hard enough.. you sure did..