[phlange]

Here's what she said when we met:

"I was fooling around with the guy I'm making music with (my drummer), but I'm not feeling it anymore...we will always work on music together...every weekend I go to his studio from 4pm Saturday to sometimes 6 or 7 am Sunday morning..."

"I was romantic with a married man but we're not romantic anymore...he just comes over every Thursday to fix my computer."


Ok.. So there I was... Now I have to admit... USUALLY, and IDEALLY, this wouldn't bother me AT ALL... a casual relationship with a really cool friend/girl, where the competition didn't bother me because I know I'm the best.

But this time... Geezus...


I was Jealous from day one. Even when she had me over her place, I couldn't even perform sexually because I kept thinking: "well don't you still fool around with those other guys?"

She insisted... again and again, and again, until it was her yelling ""NO!! I ONLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU, can't YOU REGISTER THAT IN YOUR HEAD???"

It didn't register... it kept going...
She kept trying to get close to me, but I kept insisting that she was with the guy she makes music with.

It became a pattern... every week... Friday, she'd try me... and I..
Was so anxious that I had to perform well before she went to the studio on Saturday, that every Friday I just got angry and tense and couldn't do anything.
She cried a few times.

Eventually, and more and more, I started getting mean. And more and more possesive.
I would plead with her "I swear it will get better, it already is better..."
Then I'd say or do something to keep the closeness away, a jealous comment.

The jealousy itself kept it going... every single time she would feel loose and casual with me, I would say something jealous.


Now here we are: she's moved in.

Now... I LONG, with a very aching heart, like you have no idea... that those days over the winter where we laughed and talked and had a good time together were still here.

She's been achieving her goals all winter, and me? All I've done was sit here every weekend and obsess about where she is, relishing in this f*ing PAIN of assuming she's being sexual with the studio guy.

ALL THE WHILE... she's been swearing she hasn't... it got to the point where she got sick of telling she's not fooling around with him.
Then again... I still said I didn't trust her.

Right now... even as I type this, I am SICK of myself.
Wondering if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for what I did.
I did it again... I killed love.
I killed love.

She lives here with me, and we sleep in the same bed every night...
Most nights, she just says things like: "just keep away from me"


Also: she is SWEET to the studio guy. But I mean their emails to each other have subjects: I Love you, and I love you too"

They show every sign of a lovers' relationship together.

HERE IS MY QUESTION: So what if they're fooling around??
Even if they are, can't I get all of her attention by showing how great a lover I am?
It kills me though, that every time she goes there, he builds on it.
And all the time she's home, she just tells me to keep away from her.


I lost it forever? Is there any way to fix this? Is there any way to let it heal?
To POSSIBLY win her back ?

[talaniman]

lost it forever? Is there any way to fix this? Is there any way to let it heal?

Son, you need a trained clinician to help you.

[NorthernNiceGuy]

Son, you need a trained clinician to help you.

Yea, I think this is a lost cause. I am surprised she even moved in with you. This jealousy isn't just going to go away... I think she should move out and you should cut your losses and find someone else. You're never going to be happy in this one... and I think you have pushed her to far and the damage is done.

Even if you could fix it you could only do it if you truly felt you were over the jealousy, and you're not. You admit that even as you are writing this you feel sick to your stomach.

This situation is not healthy.

[talaniman]

Please get some professional help and it can start with a doctor visit, and a referral.

[Romefalls19]

Jealousy kills the best chances at love. I know this best and only through professional help can you begin to fix it. You cannot go through this battle alone or you will fall flat on your face. I think you have lost this relationship, I'm not sure why she moved in with you.

[starlite1]

Hi Phlange,

I too am a very jealous person. It is so hard at times, and I have gotten help in the past because of it, and the affect it was having on myself, and my relationships and my life was terrible. In fact I still get jealous at times, I did with my ex boyfriend that I just recently broke up with. But that is all due to my own insecurities (I am my own worst enemy). I do understand why you are feeling jealous in your situation though. The fact that she had relations with her drummer , and the 'I love you' messages, I would be a little jealous to. But, and I do not mean to sound harsh, I think because of these actions (hers with the emails, etc and you being so jealous), it may be best that you end this relationship. Take time for yourself, get some help (either here at this site, from a therapist, or both) for your jealousy, and then you will be able to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone new.

[emopunk7]

I would def. be jealous too... You have all rights to be jealous of a woman who fooled around with the drummer and still stays with him at all hours of the night... She is ridiculous... Run away fast! You are the man. You know who you are. Don't let her bring you down. She sounds very manipulating. You don't need help... she does... leave her fast!

[sokay]

I agree with emopunk you should get out of this it seems like she is manipulating you to make you jealous. NO DOUBT, of course you'd be jealous if she 'used' to fool around with him but now she just 'stays there all night' Saturdays. I really doubt most people would feel OK with their partner doing that. She should have kept her mouth shut at the start.

And she told you about some other married guy too.

Now you must stop this, and move on. With someone who has more tact, doesn't 'overshare', and has boundaries.