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apprentice69 · Jun 5, 2008, 08:57 PM

HISTORY... This is an ex-girlfriend from 5 years ago. She is 24 and I'm 38 single parent of 2 adorable kids (13 & 10years old) We have remained good friend since our split-up and I consider to be one of her best friend. As much as I wanted for our relationship to work we didn't get the approval or support from her dad the pressure was to ended or face the wilderness, which was not an option as they are very close knitted family. Since our separation she has been out with 2 different guys and each lasted about 2 years before she broke it off, reasons were mostly too similar in childish behaviour and not trusting each other. We use to work together but I was posted away to come back and discover she's having an affair with our boss, who is happily married and too the best of my knowledge is in a happy relationship. I know this because I use to socialise with him outside of work and knows that he does sleep around. She has told me it materialsed overtime and now they are seeing each discreetly. I have always been supportive of her and originally I joked "you haven't lived till you have an affair with a married man" didn't expect it to come back and bite me hard... She has selective hearing when it comes to advise from me, whenever I try to approch it in the sense its wrong and the implication it will have when it comes to light is enourmos for all concerned regardless who started or at fault and how it can destroy families. At the sametime you can't help but get caught up emotionally as this was my ex and maybe I'm abit jealous. I want to be supportive but don't know how too approach her to end the affair as its wrong and not fair on his wife or her for that matter. She's very emotional person and can be needy and seems attracted to "funny and fun"guys. How do I approach it without being looked as if I;m jealoius hense the reason I want her to end the relationship. I don't have an ulterior motive aside from wanting to help her, but I know she will see it differently.
I'm the only one she has opened up on this affair and if her family or friends knows about this it will have huge emotional outcome and I don't think she can handle it??

Alty · Jun 5, 2008, 09:37 PM

You don't approach it. She's not your wife, she's not your girlfriend, whatever she does with her life is her business. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you don't have the right to tell her what to do, and when you do tell her it's falling on deaf ears. Keep pushing the issue and you will be minus a friend. She needs to figure this out on her own, the best you can do, be there for her when this all comes tumbling down. Or, admit that you are still attracted to her and that you'd like a relationship with her, that much is obvious in your post, even though you have yet to admit it.

Good luck.

talaniman · Jun 5, 2008, 10:16 PM

Friend or no, its her business, and life to do as she pleases. Back off, and mind your own business, but keep the band-aid, and crying towel handy.

friend4u178 · Jun 5, 2008, 11:53 PM

You say you don't have any ulterior motives but to be honest reading your post it sounds like you have.

Leave her to sort her own mess out , its another of lifes lessons for her.

apprentice69 · Jun 6, 2008, 01:00 AM

Yes, parts of me see it as none of my business and yes nor is she my girlfriend or wife. Since I'm the only one she trust to confide in this affair wouldn't it be fair to say as a friend to point out the dangers should someone finds out? Or I just sit there and listen like a puppet and offer the suggestion, do whatever you like but know I'll be there if you need a shoulder to cry on? As a parent and a friend I would expect someone to point it out as you might be lost or blinded by love and not see the dangers. Fair enough, I could step back and be there if she needs a friend. I but I would expect a friend to show me right and wrong in case I can't see. I know them both and don't want the suffering to come if they get caugh, as I don't think she can handle it regardless of how you learn from your mistakes might sound fantastic in some great quote. Maybe my expectation of a friend is different?. NO I was asked back to the relationship on many occasion but chose the one made by her parents as I could not see past that barrier and accep it many years ago. My feelings is that of a genuine friend as this person did have a past with me and you tend to be on the look out. No it is not my call to end it but I think the least I could do as a friend is to point out the dangers?

talaniman · Jun 6, 2008, 04:33 AM

That's right a friend is supposed to tell you that you need a helmet, if your going to run head first into a brick wall, but if she is still going to do it, now what? Our point was that you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to. Right or wrong!

bushg · Jun 6, 2008, 04:43 AM

I'm sure she knows it is wrong or else she would not be hiding it.
You might ask her what she expects to gain from the relationship and if it is fulfilling her needs. You can also voice your concerns that you are afraid that she is going to end up getting hurt, but other than that I would leave it alone.