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pixiepeel · May 31, 2008, 05:51 PM

We were together 3 yrs..
Broke up 'cause it wernt working
He had sex with a woman he knows I despise, and had been after him for aggeess..
Back together now cnt live without each other
I cnt get over he had sex with someone else
Even if we were apart or on a 'break'
HOW HOW HOW can I get over this?
I love him so much, it was out of character what he did?

Sikativ · May 31, 2008, 06:06 PM

I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear... but he was single during that break...
He had no commitment towards you.. regardless of who he slept with.
It seems you understand that but its just eating at you.

Maybe you should sit down and talk to him about how you feel. Communication is important in a relationship and you shouldn't hide anything from them.

-Sik

mrchef1110 · May 31, 2008, 07:19 PM

Im going to have to agree with Sik. He had no commitment towards you since you two weren't together. Talk to him about you feel and see what he says because in the least he deserves to know that his actions did hurt you and might have an affect on your relationship in the future. If you can work this out DON'T and I mean DON'T ever hold this over his head as that is a cruel thing to do. However if you find out that you can't forgive this transgression then you might want to evaluate if you want to be in this relationship or not.

JBeaucaire · May 31, 2008, 08:49 PM

They're all right so far, the answers above. But I don't see this issue as "how do you get over this"... in fact, it's much deeper than that.

You need to decide something now about relationships. Are you going to take the sins of your loved ones on your shoulder every time it infringes on your own sensibilities? Besides the fact that you two weren't together at the time, what is the basis you have for a) being angry about it now, and b) possibly punishing him for it, intentionally or accidentally? Seriously, how do you justify it? "It just hurts" won't cut it. You need to be able to support your betrayals if you're going to allow them this much power in your life.

This is a critical juncture for you. Are you capable of unconditional love? Are you capable of letting others make mistakes YOU wouldn't make and not rain hell-fire down on them for it? Even your closest mate? Can you? Is it even possible. For many people, the answer is an unqualified "NO!"

If you can't, then you need to be more honest about your "list of fatal sins." Try to be fair about them, but most of all be ALOUD about them. Make sure your guy(s) know exactly how far you can bear things and where you can bear no longer. This is important info.

And as for your current situation, well, you already know it isn't even fair for you to be mad about it, much less make an issue of it. Best you decide now if you're capable of actually forgiving someone who crosses lines on their own time.

If you can't, trust me, this isn't the first time you'll have some big betrayal you're trying to get over and can't. The ability to forgive others is as vital to your own sanity as it is to the stability of your dearest relationships.

talaniman · Jun 1, 2008, 07:52 AM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-221892-2.html
You have some very personal issues to deal with on your own, and I think that's where you start, as dwelling on someone's behavior, before you recognize your own, is not healthy, or realistic. How can you forgive him, if you can't forgive yourself first. Work on you and let everything else fall into place, and that includes the relationship.
Guilt is not a basis for love.