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Alty · May 30, 2008, 07:40 AM

Biggie, you can't help but be concerned about her, and it's admirable that you don't want her to feel guilty, but, the more you write back the guiltier she'll feel. I know that sounds strange, but it's true. She writes to see how you are, you respond, she thinks, oh, he still needs me, he still cares, oh that's so sad and it's my fault that he's hurting, got to fix it, send another email, etc. etc. it's a vicious circle. NC, it will take a while before she realizes that you are okay and are living your life, but she will get it eventually, although she'll probably never give up hope that you can still be friends. :)

Women, they're confusing aren't they? ;)

bigbird213 · May 30, 2008, 07:58 AM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

although she'll probably never give up hope that you can still be friends. :)

Good, I think I'd like that, but I'd also like to not care :)

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Women, they're confusing aren't they? ;)

Hell, who needs them.

jpm247 · May 30, 2008, 08:02 AM

You just need yourself for now - get big bird back, that's what I've been trying to do, getting me back. I gave a shed load away to my ex, nearly forgot who I was.

Alty · May 30, 2008, 08:03 AM

Well, men need them, obviously, otherwise you wouldn't care as much as you do. ;)

You'll be fine, even though it might not feel like that right now. Take it from someone who's been in allot of relationships, some good, some bad, some downright criminal, the right girl for you is out there, you'll meet her some day, then you'll forget all about the ex.

Now, your opinion on women probably won't change, we are confusing to you poor men, as you men are to us, but that's what makes it interesting, normal is boring, a bit of spice never hurt anyone. :)

damaged · May 30, 2008, 08:30 AM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

then you'll forget all about the ex.

Do you really, truly forget about them?. I guess you will always remember right?. but do you get to the point when they don't matter any more?. and does it necesseraly take another person to make you forget the ex? :confused:

It's so depressing:(

Alty · May 30, 2008, 08:42 AM

You don't ever totally forget, but you do move on, and one day, when you remember the ex, you'll smile instead of cry, unless that's all you did when you were in the relationship.

Do you get to the point when they don't matter anymore? Depends on the kind of relationship you had, and no, it doesn't take another person to make you forget the ex, it takes time, and strength, your own personal growth and getting back "yourself". You have to learn to stand on your own before you can fully commit to another person.

It is sad, it is depressing, I remember many times crying myself to sleep because of a broken heart, it took time to heal, I swore I'd never give anyone a chance to do it again, and then months later I'd meet someone new and would forget all about the heartache. It's allot like giving birth. When you're in labor it hurts like hell, you scream and cry, threaten your husband with "Don't you ever touch me again!" and swear that if the doctor gets "it" out you'll never have another. The baby is born, you hold it in your arms, turn to hubby and say "when do you want to try for another?" Human beings are amazing, we can be in tremendous pain, pain that seems to last forever, but eventually we forget and do it all over again.

Unlike birth though, in relationships you have the chance to find someone who won't end up causing you pain, and that's when you forget everything that happened before. I promise you. :)

Work on yourself, stand on your own. Love will find you, most times when you aren't looking for it. :)

bigbird213 · May 30, 2008, 08:52 AM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Human beings are amazing, we can be in tremendous pain, pain that seems to last forever, but eventually we forget and do it all over again.

Amazing... or insane :rolleyes: :p

Alty · May 30, 2008, 09:06 AM

Originally Posted by bigbird213

Amazing...... or insane :rolleyes: :p

Have to be a bit of both to make it in this world. :)

damaged · May 30, 2008, 09:25 AM

I can't wait for the day it doesn't bother me any more.. I don't really care if I find somebody new, I just want to get to the point where I don't think about him, and if I do, then it doesn't hurt or mean anything..

Alty · May 30, 2008, 09:50 AM

Life is hard, love is hard, loss of love is the hardest. Remember, whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger! :)

damaged · May 30, 2008, 09:56 AM

That's true!

plonak · May 30, 2008, 11:57 AM

Big Bird! Clear your messages!! It's not letting me send you one because your inbox is too full!

losingit77 · May 30, 2008, 12:57 PM

Big -

I'm glad to see you didn't respond yet. I understand you not wanting her to feel bad/guilty but your actions should not be dictated by her feelings. Think of it this way:

When she broke up with you she didn't want to make you feel bad. That was probably the last thing she wanted to do was hurt you. But you hurt anyway. But she did it because she thought it was the right thing for her. She put her needs before yours.

You not responding to her e-mail is not because you want to make her feel bad or guilty or hurt. While she may feel that way (or who knows, she may not even be thinking about it at all). You not responding is because its prob what's best for you. Its putting your needs before hers. Its not selfish. Its not childish. Its not your proactively trying to hurt her. Its just doing what you need to do for yourself.

You've been really strong lately. You don't want to blow that.

The great thing about NC is that it gives you the ability to feel like the break-up happened sooo long ago. Its only been 2 months for me, and with NC its starting to feel like a lifetime ago. However, every time an ex makes contact it somehow magically has the ability to remind you, "god, i guess it really hasn't been that long".

Personally, while I'm feeling A LOT better lately, I know I'm NOT strong enough yet to have any contact with my ex. But I am strong enough to have NO contact with my ex.

bigbird213 · May 31, 2008, 09:11 AM

Its funny,

I was thinking about being friends with my ex and the future of what is going to happen between us. I remember distinctly thinking in my head that:

"I can be friends with her. I have no problem talking to her unless... "

And that's when I realized what I need to be able to accomplish before I can be friends wit her, or start routine contact.

A question I had, for anyone who has pretty much gone through to the otherside and started contact is: Does it truly get to the point where you can talk to her him/her and if you hear about them going out, having fun, or (gulp) liking someone, it truly doesn't bother you AT ALL?

Seems to me like that wouldn't ever happen, it would just be a temporary hiccup that you need to decide if you want to put up with.

spion_kop · May 31, 2008, 09:56 AM

Bigbird, I did that in the first 2 weeks after my break up. After I found out my ex was dating after 2 days, I played it calm to her and decided to be her friend. But then the thoughts came into my mind of her sleeping over, him touching her body and vice versa and it destroyed me. After that I decided to go NC and move on.

I couldn't put up with it, maybe you can.

talaniman · May 31, 2008, 10:21 AM

Its my opinion, that most people who move on, and live there life, often meet new people, and get distracted from the thought of keeping exes as friends.

When the healing is almost complete it only natural to feel attractions and get interested in new love interests. Happens all the time. And to be honest, usually you can tell where people are in there healing by what they do with themselves.

So don't try to say you've healed, and are ready for friendship, is it okay to call and be friends with the ex?

That doesn't work people. Wonder why?

bigbird213 · May 31, 2008, 12:00 PM

Spion,

I wasn't insinuating that I was going to try to do that lol. Thanks for the concern though, I know I'm far from it, if ever. I was just simply thinking about the idea of it in general, and what it would take. Doing a little reflecting I guess.

Tal,

I think your right that most people get distracted and their minds taken off the idea of friendship before it can happen. It is obvious that rushing something such as that can destroy a person and start the healing from square one. Its sad to see it happen, and the thought of that pain is enough to dissuade me from even trying.

bigbird213 · Jun 1, 2008, 08:45 AM

So I'm pretty much feeling like I did before the weekend.

I was worried that I was basically back at square one, but that wasn't the case. It took two days or so, but I feel like I'm just where I was before anything happened - feeling pretty good. Trying to go out often like before etc... I'm a little bothered because when we go out there aren't many ladies to meet, but hey at least I'm out.

When I check my email now, I think about the email that she sent, and I worry about her being upset sometimes still. I have had thoughts of replying, but haven't. Perhaps someday I will. It would just be nice to be able to say "Hi, No hard feelings, but I can't talk to you for at least a few more months" without having to worry about the implications.

Overall, feeling better.

ISneezeFunny · Jun 1, 2008, 09:54 AM

Bigbird: what I've recently realized is that you have to stop thinking about getting girls when you go out. Go out with the attitude, "Whatever happens, happens." Just go out with your buddies to have a good time. I've noticed that after a week of going out and not meeting any girls, that my entire approach is wrong.

Other than that, glad you're feeling better

bigbird213 · Jun 1, 2008, 01:41 PM

Sneezy,

I know I put pressure on myself and I think it's because I just get worried about it. I have been just trying to go out and not care about what happens as long as I'm out with my buddies. Sometimes I almost feel like I have to force myself to go out and meet people just so I can prove I can still do it.

Thanks for the response :)