Check out some similar questions!

bigbird213 · May 30, 2008, 04:59 AM

Thanks JPM (and everyone else)...

After sleeping on it then rereading all my advice, I have made a few realizations... I think

1) I believe the reason I was worried about her getting upset is because I don't want her to have a reaction similar to: "Fine, if hes going to ignore me, I'm going to go out and ____" (fill in the blank with some ridiculous scenario). I'm seeing now that's an immature way to think.

2) I still haven't fully convinced myself not to respond. I am taking my time, trying to examine every angle before I make any decision. I HAVE decided, however, that should I respond, it will be nothing more than what plonak said in an earlier post. No explanations, no apologies, a simple "I am doing well, thanks for asking. Hope you are the same." That way, it invites no response, implies no hope, and shows no emotions.

I know you guys are in disagreement with a message at all, but I'm just trying to be honest :)

Thanks again, you guys are great

jpm247 · May 30, 2008, 05:38 AM

That's OK I guess. Then back to NC?

bigbird213 · May 30, 2008, 05:44 AM

Originally Posted by jpm247

thats ok i guess. then back to NC?

I haven't decided, but if I were to do that, of course, back to NC. Trying to just let it go for now, maybe it won't be a big deal in a few hours and I won't feel bad for not responding... thats sort of what I'm going for.

Romefalls19 · May 30, 2008, 06:16 AM

BigBird, question did your ex ever reject one of your calls or texts after the break up? If so, do you think she felt bad about doing it? That's the question I always ask myself

jpm247 · May 30, 2008, 06:17 AM

Good point Rome. I bet they didn't.

bigbird213 · May 30, 2008, 06:19 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

BigBird, question did your ex ever reject one of your calls or texts after the break up? If so, do you think she felt bad about doing it? That's the question I always ask myself

To be honest no, but that's because I refused to text or call her :D

I do see your point though.

Romefalls19 · May 30, 2008, 06:23 AM

Lol! Just imagine that they did.. That was the one thing I used to prevent myself from replying to texts, calls and other suttle ways of trying to be contacted while I was healing. I really didn't want to be bothered with the age old question "How are you doing?" Stupid stupid question.. You just want to scream at them "how the do you think I'm doing" ha ha

Keep your head up, and I don't think you should respond because lately you have been a little down and this could possibly set you back and I'd hate to see that happen. You've come so far

jpm247 · May 30, 2008, 06:24 AM

All I know is that the break up and the following 6 months have been the toughest I've ever gone through. Its my first breakup being on the receiving end, and it is no fun.

We are all in the right place though, amazing the help you can get on this site. Truly amazing.

bigbird213 · May 30, 2008, 06:28 AM

Certainly is,

I owe you guys big :)

I'm actually proud of myself for not replying right away and giving myself time to think. I can feel myself becoming more okay with not responding - there is not necessarily any finality in it. If I feel better in a few weeks/months, I can ask her how she is doing, nobody says I cant.

jpm247 · May 30, 2008, 06:32 AM

That's true,

Id still carry on with living your life, and not worry about replying to the email. Have a look at my question 2nd email from the ex. Maybe quite similar. In the end I didn't bother as her emails were just wanting to know if I was OK etc, which I found really patronizing as how in the hell did she think I was doing?

At least NC will always leave them guessing.

bigbird213 · May 30, 2008, 06:36 AM

Perfect example of patronizing,

Just sometimes makes you wonder... "WHY?!"

jpm247 · May 30, 2008, 06:44 AM

Part of me thinks its them being selfish, and trying to make themselves feel better, and the other half of me thinks they may care.

When I split up with my ex ex a few years back, I never spoke to her again, as I was so over the relationship when I finally ended it, as it had gone really stale. It was the best thing I could have done for her. No texts or emails for her to mis interpret, no false hope, no what does this text/email mean. No more pain than was necessary.

Yet I didn't get that. Every bit of contact I had prior to the latest nearly 90 days of NC, was like a jab to the heart. You just don't need it. That's why tal says when you get dumped get gone, best thing you can do as the dumpee. Just wish that the dumper would do the same, as there's a lot of people on here who hurt more when they receive any contact from their exes. Unless it's a 'im so sorry I've made a massive mistake we should get back together' type of text/email, they in my opinion they shouldn't bother!

bigbird213 · May 30, 2008, 06:52 AM

I agree, and I have been in the situation when any bit of contact sets you back immensely, a year ago when we broke up the first time. I couldn't ignore her, and it was killing me. At least this time she wised up and knew that couldn't talk much. When she ended it, she asked me if we could still be friends, and I said I would like that, but I can't do it now. She was a little upset at that, but I think she understood...

It helps when they are somewhat understanding about it, and I agree... either guilt or caring, or maybe a mix of both.

Romefalls19 · May 30, 2008, 07:02 AM

When me and my ex first slip in December, the next day we saw each other at work and she sent me a text saying "wow, you can't even come and talk to me now?" I just said "this is what you wanted, I never asked for it." She goes "gee thanks for handling this maturely" I was kind and pleasant in my response "No problem, anytime" And then she would text me periodically or talk to my parents about how am I doing and stuff like that.

Mind manipulation at it's finest. They call it a break up, because it's broken.

Ash123 · May 30, 2008, 07:04 AM

Originally Posted by bigbird213

Shes pulling out all the stops because she is in a panic that you are giving her what she asked for. Don't give into her ploy. You need to get better being by yourself.

You want the truth? You DONT want to be cool with her beucase your not together. If you try to be cool with her now, you will never be cool with yourself. Whats more important?

MAYBE Bigbird you answered your own question.

Maybe?

ISneezeFunny · May 30, 2008, 07:04 AM

It's been a while...

Romefalls is absolutely right.

4 months after my ex and I broke up, she started to call/text me... then after I ignored those calls, I got voice messages and e-mails saying, "We can't fix anything unless you talk to me"

... I wasn't aware that I needed to fix something.

bigbird213 · May 30, 2008, 07:13 AM

Sneezy!

Welcome back, how you been?

Thanks Ash, I've pretty much known that I'm not responding this whole morning, I just don't want to admit it :) Funny how I still care how she feels.

Alty · May 30, 2008, 07:27 AM

Found you guys.:)

Sneezy, you're back, so happy, how are you?

Biggie, I didn't take the time to read all the posts, way too much reading. I gather from the last few posts that you and your girlfriend are officially not together. I've also seen a few other people give their opinion about NC and that it's not fair when the dumper doesn't seem to get the NC rule. As a female, here's my take on it.

In my youth I've been both the dumper and the dumpee. Funny, I always handled dumpee better than dumper. If someone else called it quits I was upset, but had no problem staying away, after all, that person made it quite clear that they no longer wanted a relationship with me.

My role as dumper was always harder to accept. Yes, I'd call it quits and then call up the ex to see how he was doing, was everything okay, etc... Why, because I felt bad for breaking us up, I felt bad for hurting him and I didn't want him to think badly of me. When you're young you don't realize how hurtful it is to have someone "dump" you and then keep contacting you, it sends mixed messages, but to a female it's just that bit of nurturing instinct, even though it's quite frankly the opposite of nurturing.

Even after 13 years of marriage, I still haven't completely figured out men, and I know hubby feels the same way about women. If men and women could only learn to communicate better, then the world would be a better place. Gee, why hasn't anyone thought of that before? ;)

Hope that gives you a bit of insight in to women, if not, ignore the post. ;)

bigbird213 · May 30, 2008, 07:31 AM

Haha,

Thanks Alty. The quick back story is that we haven't been together for almost a month and a half now. I haven't had contact with her since (2 or 3 emails to straighten out the inevitable stuff WAY early in the breakup). I just got an email from her yesterday and was stumbling a little on the NC issue.

The problem I had was where you said you felt guilty, see for some odd reason I don't want her to feel guilty, no ill will I guess.. Almost like I wanted to make her feel better regardless of the potential cost to me. I've pretty much got it figured out, I'm not going to respond, just need to realize that she can take care of herself :)

damaged · May 30, 2008, 07:34 AM

Originally Posted by bigbird213

Funny how I still care how she feels.

That's why you should not reply to her email.. because even though you can't admit it, you want her to write back (& she prob will).. but not only she will say " im doing fine/not good/happy or w.e" she will prob start a conversation something like " so hows your summer so far"... & you will be tempted to reply again... :(
The best thing to do is what everyone has told you Don't REPLY.. let it go.. I believe that's the best thing to do, but it is up to you.