[bigbird213]

Hey all,

So today would have been 4 years for my ex and I. I'm a little upset, but I don't think that's the reason. It's funny, for the past few weeks I haven't really missed her in a bad way, but yesterday and today have been rough. I guess that's part of the territory, but I just feel like I REALLY screwed up the other day. I'm back to having a little bit of a pit in my stomach, feeling down about her, wanting to talk to her and I even started questioning things that I did which I have made peace with long ago. I don't want to second guess my actions in the relationship, that's pointless now.

Well, I wrote the check for the money that I owed her today. I didn't mail it yet, but I will on my lunch break. I didn't write a letter with it or anything, just a plain envelope with my check in it. I had immature thoughts when sealing the envelope like spraying my cologne on it or things like that, but obviously didn't do it. I don't know why, but I REALLY want her to miss me now.

It really hasn't been as long as I thought. I was feeling good, but its only been about 5 weeks. That's not much time now that I think about it and I'm sure that she still must think about me.

Why do I miss her so much now?

Why do I know that we weren't working out, but don't want her to move on?
I want her to be happy, just not yet. I don't want to think about her laughing, smiling all day, enjoying herself while I am being upset and wanting her to miss me. The worst part is, just a week ago I was laughing, smiling all day and having fun, and who knows how she felt.

I just don't want this pit in my stomach anymore. I am fully aware that we would have problems if we were together, but I almost don't care...

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

[talaniman]

Not stupid, human.
Fact, your were attached to this female for 4 years.
Fact, its only been 5 weeks form last contact
Fact, Past events have brought old buried feelings to the surface
Fact, Anniversary has those what if feelings back where you can feel them. Special days usually do trigger and intensify those feelings.
Fact, you need more time, and WORK, and above all patience with yourself
Fact, Low motivation, as its easy to slide into the pity pot, when our feelings ambush us. Especially the strong intense ones.

Solution, Weather the storm and get busy with what you know works to bring back focus, and motivation. Love yourself.

[jpm247]

Big bird,

Sorry to hear you're a bit down today, I guess I probably would be as well, in fact I was when it was our anniversary but we had split up about 6 weeks before. I was really looking forward to it, but it wasn't to be.

After 5 weeks I was still well in the mess of the breakup. It isn't a quick fix sadly. Your bound to have her running through your mind on a day like today, its only natural.

As for how she is feeling and what she's thinking, well that's her problem. Everyone will tell you the same and you know this, but I know that its not easy to shift from your mind. I used to think the same, what's she doing, whose it with,is she happier?

Then after a while this goes to what the hell, why bother thinking about that, I cannot control that. Thinking about your ex in this way is like riding a rocking horse, gives you something to do, but ultimately gets you no where.

In time your thoughts will change to thinking less of what she's doing etc, to more just missing her company.

Then you start thinking that I can beat this, I am going to beat this and I will come out the other side.

But for now, I know how you feel, because I was there. I don't think I did anything at work for about 3 months, couldn't think of anything else but her.

But then, she gave me up, and that's her loss not mine.

Keep digging deep, it's a crap time, it will probably get worse, but it does and it will get better.

Just accept that it will hurt because you cared. If you didn't care and you didn't love the girl then it wouldn't hurt.

Stay with the NC, it will get you out of the hole you are in my friend.

[bigbird213]

in time your thoughts will change to thinking less of what shes doing etc, to more just missing her company.

Absolutely,

I know this, I know what I should be doing and I'm doing my best. Sometimes a little motivation just helps a little, you know? Fact is, that's exactly how I was feeling for a few weeks, and I'm looking forward to getting back there. I'm sure it'll happen, I was just spoiled lately and don't like going in reverse.

One thing I found is that I rely on music to make me feel better, however once the music caused me to start shutting myself off (headphones at work, etc) I was missing the social interaction which helps just as much.

Thanks for the words guys, I'm on my way, no worries.

[chuff]

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Beating yourself up for temporary pain is not the answer. Nor are you stupid, you are emotional which at this time is taking over your logical brain. Stupid is not learning from any of this and despite what you think you are taking lessons that will make your life that much stronger when the emotions die off and the logic is still there. Stupid is making the same errors over and over which is something I did for years, you at least recognize the problem now, the problems in the relationship and that you are strong enough to change. That's smart, smart, and smart because I guarantee you most people never make the positive changes that will direct the rest of there life in a better direction. Real growth usually involves real pain... and how could it not, if you don't ever know something's wrong how can you ever expect to fix it.

[bigbird213]

Thanks Chuff,

You're certainly right about more pain = more change. I think that applies to just about all aspects of life.

[NorthernNiceGuy]

Hey bigbird,

Kind of feeling the same way you are lately... after a week or so of feeling pretty good. My ex has been contacting me pretty steadily since the break up via texts, saying how she is thinking of me and stuff. I decided to respond 4 days ago when she got upset that I didn't visit her when I was in the area. I sort of said that you would have to convince me it was the right thing for me to do and that she would have to prove herself to me. She texted back that I was playing games (this made me pretty upset). I responded saying I definitely wasn't. She hasn't responded since and its bugging me. I know I will get over it though... and that I can't break down and text her again. She will be home the weekend after this one for graduation, lets see what happens there.

I feel the anniversary thing along with you bird, our four years will be in two weeks.

I guess I have haven't had anything to do the last two days which has left me alone with my thoughts, never a good thing. I decided on a limb to book a flight out to British Columbia yesterday to go see a friend. I am leaving tomorrow for 4 days so that will help I am sure. I am also booked to go skydiving on the 14th which will definitely take my mind of things... it's something I would never dream of doing but I think afterwards it will really make me feel better about myself. Anybody want to come??

[NorthernNiceGuy]

I had immature thoughts when sealing the envelope like spraying my cologne on it or things like that, but obviously didn't do it.

Wow, glad I am not the only one who thought of this. 2 weeks in I had to return a pillow to her that she left at my place. I did it though and I can't believe I did... So immature and silly. The things people do when they get dumped... Can't wait for the day I can look back on all this and laugh at myself for some of the things I have done or thought...

[bigbird213]

NNG,

One comment - when you told her that you said she would have to convince you it was the right thing to do, you were almost inviting more contact, which I don't think you really want. Maybe you do, just telling you how it came off to me.

I know time is really sort of relevant, but its nice to know your in there with me for the same amount of time (4 years).

Oh, I went skydiving last summer. One of the best experiences of my life. I think you'll definitely enjoy it. Have fun.

[NorthernNiceGuy]

One comment - when you told her that you said she would have to convince you it was the right thing to do, you were almost inviting more contact, which I don't think you really want. Maybe you do, just telling you how it came off to me.

Haha, reading that really makes me realize what a bonehead move that is... I think like you that in the back of my head, I still don't want her to be over me. I know I can't get back together with her, she has made me miserable in and out of our relationship.

Saying that though it kind of makes it seem like she is right. Inviting more contact when I know I don't want to be with her is PLAYING GAMES. Damn! I will come here next time she contacts me, I sort of do these things when I am emotionally charged from her contact...

[bigbird213]

Don't sweat it, its not really a big deal.

We both know what we need to do and are able to do it, sometimes just need that little kick from someone else. When one slips we have all these people to help us get back up so we can give that kick to someone else :)

[zooropa1985]

Hey peeps, me again lol, listen this is a little of topic but I didn't want to start a new thread with it all as its not really a question more a statement, plus you guys already know my back story.

Well anyway I was dumped about 3 weeks ago and its got me more down than I thought it would have, see I didn't feel as strongly about this girl as I did my first love whom dumped me almost exactly a year ago.

So its been bugging me about why am I feeling so down about her and I think I know why... I'm pretty sure I'm still in love with my first love, I thought I was over her but getting dumped has brought out all the old feelings I had this time last year. Its weird its like I've went back a whole year in my life.

I saw my first love for the first time in 7months the other day and my heart literally skipped a beat, my adrenaline was going and I really did get a high, this made me think and realise that yes I still love her.

So my question would be is all this pain because my mind has somehow went back on itself, likes its almost mistaking the lose of this girl to the loss of my first love?

By the way ill understand if this doesn't make sense lol

[NorthernNiceGuy]

Hey peeps, me again lol, listen this is a little of topic but i didnt want to start a new thread with it all as its not really a question more a statement, plus you guys already know my back story.

Well anyways i was dumped about 3 weeks ago and its got me more down than i thought it would have, see i didnt feel as strongly about this girl as i did my first love whom dumped me almost exactly a year ago.

So its been bugging me about why am i feeling so down about her and i think i know why... im pretty sure im still in love with my first love, i thought i was over her but getting dumped has brought out all the old feelings i had this time last year. its weird its like ive went back a whole year in my life.

I saw my first love for the first time in 7months the other day and my heart litterally skipped a beat, my adrenaline was going and i really did get a high, this made me think and realise that yes i still love her.

So my question would be is all this pain because my mind has somehow went back on itself, likes its almost mistaking the lose of this girl to the loss of my first love?

btw ill understand if this doesnt make sense lol

You rebounded with your latest ex... It got your mind off things for awhile and was fun, but now that its over, your left thinking about the girl you really love.

[losingit77]

Hey Bigbird - I'm right there with you.

Suddenly, last night, I started crying. Its been weeks since I've done that. It wasn't like the usual cry. I just suddenly started crying heavily, almost sobbing, for literally 2 minutes than just stopped and went to sleep.

It wasn't like the cries in the first weeks of the breakup. Those "beginner" cries were cries of sadness, anger, confusion, hurt, feeling bad about myself, wondering "what did I do" "how can i get through this" "how can he do this to me". Last night's cry was just more one of "wow, I miss him." Don't necessarily miss the relationship I guess, but just miss him. Miss my best friend. Miss sitting on the couch with him until 3 o'clock in the morning watching awful TV shows. Miss stupid stuff. Miss grocery shopping with him. Miss him here playing with our cats. Miss him leaving his dirty towels on the floor. Miss his awful music we used to dance and listen to. Miss him rubbing my head after a long day.

Its not loneliness. I've made a point to surround myself with my great friends and family and have been keeping busy with them. But every now and then (ok, still pretty frequently) the mind wanders to the good memories.

I hope this sudden feeling is transition into the acceptance stage.

I just keep reminding myself I have many more good memories to make with myself, my family, my friends, and maybe one day a new love. But now, I got to close the book on the past 4 years and keep on moving.

People come in and out of our lives for a reason. And god, yeah I miss him. And as I write this I feel myself start to choke up. And while I know its definitely over and there's many great stuff yet to happen in my future, for all the pain of last 2 months, I wouldn't trade the past 4 years for anything.

[bigbird213]

Losingit,

Don't sweat it, the crying helps and it wasn't a lot of crying, just a quick release. It really helps, I know what you mean.

The funny thing about that is, when I saw what I saw earlier in the week, I stormed out of my house and went for a walk. When I reached the road, I wanted to cry. My stomach hurt, my heart was burning, something was wrong and I wanted to cry. I even tried to force it, but the tears just felt like they wouldn't come out.

I don't know why, but my body didn't want to. I'm not sure if that's a sign of anything, but it happened.

Either way, I'm starting to feel normal again, still having the mood swings, but they are evening out as usual.

Its great to know that you will feel better someday when these things happen. When it happens, you feel like it will never end, but eventually you learn that it will end.

[jammyb]

Day 29,

Feel like crap. I know what you guys were saying about ups and downs. About a week ago I would go as far as to say I was feeling "good", and kind of free to carry on with my life. The past few days however have been real hard work. Constantly thinking things like "what if i hadn't said ...", "what did she mean when she said ...", "was there someone else", "could i have saved the relationship had I known what i do now", and "why did she turn so cold at the end". Even things like "is this a problem with me and will all future relationships end up with me getting screwed over". I'd like to think I'd learn from the mistakes but logic takes a back seat in these situations. I really can't wait for this phase to pass. Roll on summer

[bigbird213]

Somewhere between 40-50 days I'd guess...

Woke up this morning feeling pretty bad. I always thought of her in the morning, just for a while it wasn't hurtful, just a little bit of a sad, missing feeling. Now in the mornings I miss her pretty bad and it hurts. Plus, when I think of her, I always have a few little extras to think about as well now :(

Either way, by the time I was done showering I felt all right. I may start to keep a journal of how I feel throughout the day so I can note my progress. I'm worried this might slow me down though. I'll give it a shot and see how it works out for a few days. I guess that's sort of the point of this thread.

Off to work, hoping for a good day.

[bigbird213]

Another note:

Found a great link. Pretty much aligns with what is said here, but it showed up on my Google homepage this morning so I thought I would share.

One disclaimer: I'm not sure how I feel about the last line which says: "The best way to fall out of love with someone is to fall in love with someone else." Any opinions on that?

Link: How to Fall Out of Love - wikiHow

Hope this helps someone

[talaniman]

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with.

[DazT]

I have been N/C for around 70 days (I haven't counted exactly how many). Wow, I never felt I'd last this long. I have had contact with her 2 or 3 times since then though, just 1 or 2 text messages about mine and her stuff. She initiated the contact each time and I've felt I've been very strong.

Seeing a new girl at the minute, no emotional crap involved though. Just sex and that's it. I still think of my ex every day and miss the old memories but I've came so far after 70 something days. I never thought I could do N/C when I first came here and failed after the first couple of attempts but then your mind gets up with being unhappy and you don't want to contact them any more.

Today, I'm a little sad - just one of them days. On Saturday I bumped into her on the street, we said hello and I walked on.. I thought about her for a couple of hours but then the rest of the day I wasn't thinking of her but was thinking about the action I was getting that night (LOL!).

Anyway - keep your heads up fellow N/C'ers. It does get easier.