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friend4u178 · May 26, 2008, 08:34 PM

Hey bigbird
You know I think you give some great advise to a lot of people on here. One of the main things is obviously NC and how it affects people etc.. First of all 1 month is not a long time to be broken up and you will still be carrying emotional baggage at this early stage.

But by looking at that photo on Facebook you actually broke NC to an extent , learn from that and realise what damage it does. We're all on your side and you just have to keep going with what you were doing before because you seemed to be going so well. It just goes to show how easy it is to go back a few steps.

And thinking about what she's doing or what is happening in her life is not going to help you one little bit either , remember its out of your control anyway.

We're all with you mate so just keep coming on and venting.

And NO LOOKING AT HER FACEBOOK AGAIN! That's an order :)

losingit77 · May 26, 2008, 08:45 PM

Oh, bigbird! I feel for you. Don't worry about it. Don't start with all the "what ifs"... it could be something, it could be nothing. Either way you're still awesome! Think of all the plausible scenarios:

- Just some guy she happened to be hanging out with that night along with 10 other friends who you can't see in the picture
- Some guy maybe she did something with, but please even if she did, most likely the "relationship" will crash and burn (or already has) long before you even stop thinking about it.

If you're going to make assumptions, make them realistic assumptions (not a "happy ending story for her")... She's not "in love with him or thinking about marriage" already. Come on, you know that! Anything she has done since the break-up is in no way a reflection on you...

To be honest, I've slept with 2 guys since I broke up with my boyfriend ( I know, I know, I feel a little slutty about that) but in no way is that any reflection of how I felt about my ex during our relationship or even, heck, how I still feel about him. No comparison!

losingit77 · May 26, 2008, 08:49 PM

Also, I know you're shaking now and your mind is racing frantically, but don't worry. Give it 1-2 days and you'll be back to good days again. Remember that! Like you just told me a couple of hours ago, its an emotional rollercoaster! Just take the ride...

jrsg · May 26, 2008, 08:53 PM

And no more slip ups on your NC, bigbird. Once you get back on track, everything will be okay. And losingit is right, there are several reasons that guy could have there for.

bigbird213 · May 26, 2008, 08:57 PM

Thanks guys,

I was talking to her step sister online (which I have done a few times since with no impact on me) and heard one thing that I didn't like also. I don't know if it has anything to do with my current state or not, but she told me that she wanted to get drunk the other day. That's EXTREMELY unlike my ex as she used to get angry with me for getting drunk, though she did drink with me a few times...

I'm sensing it now, my mind making up stupid things, and I'm sure you all see it, I'm just missing it. Ahh so stupid...

Thanks for the support, I just hope that I can keep getting over it.

I'm starting to feel like just sleeping and not doing much, I hope that's just fatigue from tonight.

jrsg · May 26, 2008, 09:04 PM

Bigbird, you need to wake up, and get out. Even if you feel like sleeping and lying around, get out. Go out with a couple friends, do anything to distract yourself.

And I'm sure that you will get over it.

But you know what you have to do, you always give great advice when it comes to NC. You have to distract yourself, and not think about 'her'.

And no problem for giving support, its what we're here for. I just joined a few days ago, and I love the support I get here. Makes life so much easier.

losingit77 · May 26, 2008, 09:05 PM

Yes, the mind loves to play tricks on us.

Sometimes I think we forget the point of NC is not just to eliminate contact with the exes, but its also to help us stop thinking about them and to remove them from our day to day lives. Hearing about what they're doing or seeing info about them on the net, can be just as painful and set us back as much as proactively breaking NC so the best bet is to just remove all temptation and stay the heck away.

Right now, its best to not know anything! Our lives are no longer any of their business so their lives are no longer any of ours. If it helps, rewrite history in your mind, and pretend that you broke up with her. It helps me all the time.

And in terms of moving on, don't rush it if you don't feel ready. We all move at varying paces so don't take any of what possibly did or didn't happen with her as any indication that you're not moving on fast enough. When you're ready, you'll feel it. You have the whole summer to enjoy!

bigbird213 · May 26, 2008, 09:11 PM

Yeah,

I want to say I'm done thinking about this, but it really isn't that easy.

I'm setting out to prove to myself that this isn't as big a deal as my brain is making it out to be (my heart I should say). I didn't find out anything, I'm making wild assumptions.

Rookie mistakes, I'm better than that.

Thanks again everyone,

Good night all.

starbuck8 · May 26, 2008, 09:16 PM

I'm here too Biggie! I think everyone has got you covered. I've been through it more than once, and you are neither pathetic, or being stupid. You know that! I know the sick feelings you get, and how it makes you want to jump out of your skin and just run away. You'll be OK. It hasn't been long, so try not to jump to conclusions, and just let yourself go through it. I feel for you bud! I've soooo been there.

NorthernNiceGuy · May 26, 2008, 09:37 PM

Bird, yea like I said before I had to delete her and 5 of her friends from FB, it just gets too tempting... I mean it could have been much worse. The day I decided to delete my ex was the day I saw pictures of her at a bar, in a shirt sized dress and high heels, grinding, holding hands, and wearing the jacket of this 30 year old or something steroid bound loser. It was absolutely devastating. Really the picture you saw means nothing and I am glad to hear you removed the temptation... you don't need that getting in the way. I went to dinner tonight with a girlfriend and she even mentioned that this guy has been all over her wall and stuff. That one little comment made me sweat... but you got to think of this rationally and tell yourself its no big deal. There is nothing you can do about it, and your going to rise above it. Think of all the people that have been dumped because their ex was moving on with someone else... or cheated on...

Stuff like this kind of brings you back to earth and lets you know how much more healing you got to do. You'll get over this picture quick, its just a bump in the road.

Facebook is evil!!

bigbird213 · May 26, 2008, 09:42 PM

Thanks NNG,

I know, I have calmed down a little bit. Still a little down, much more level headed though. I think I handled it pretty well, but I jumped the gun posting here so it looked like I went nuts (I did for about 10 minutes, before I went for a walk.)

I was going to go for a drive, mom took the keys away heh, didn't want me driving, she knew I was upset. Either way, I was headed to bed, but there's a funny show on. I could use a laugh, so ill be up for a little while longer.

friend4u178 · May 26, 2008, 09:47 PM

Originally Posted by bigbird213

Thanks NNG,

I know, I have calmed down a little bit. Still a little down, much more level headed though. I think I handled it pretty well, but I jumped the gun posting here so it looked like I went nuts (I did for about 10 minutes, before I went for a walk.)

No biggie you did the right thing , without venting you may still be thinking about it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting things off your chest.

ajhastings88 · May 26, 2008, 10:40 PM

I don't even know you guys and I love you all, I was about to go insane, and read this and saw how you guys are here for each other, it's just way too amazing that total srangers can be so close. Bravo.

jpm247 · May 27, 2008, 01:56 AM

Big bird my man - stay strong you are doing fine. 1 month is very early days into a breakup. I was still all over the place then.

I didn't even accept my exes attempts to be a friend on Facebook, as I new id look at her account, and it wouldn't do me any good at all.

The best way to think about things I found was this -

Your ex may be with another guy, but it isn't big bird. Big bird being the best thing that happened to her, her opportunity of a lifetime which she threw away.

So no matter who she may or may not be with, smile inside and outside, because no body will be like you my friend. What a fool she is!

I always thought this and still do whenever I think of my ex. I still do, and its been six months now,with a hiccup in the middle, so on 80ish days of NC now.

Just keep going pal, and think that those good times are around the corner, because they are. Friend4u is right, you have been giving out quality advice for the last few weeks, we've all seen it.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

jj240 · May 27, 2008, 02:31 AM

I can't wait to do this - however I need to speak to my ex as we have a house together and need to discuss finance - we were going to do it today face to face (we have been split since 20th May - I have went to stay with my mum but have to go back home today) I emailed him and told him I couldn't face him and will contact him by phone later. Originally I think I wanted to meet hime face to face to make him see that he was making a huge mistake, however his emails etc have told me that he does not regret his decision. He thinks this will be best as he has fell out of love with me. Im not sure I can even call him tonight because I break down in tears and can't bear to see how cold he has become. I know I have to do it - but then after that I'm going to try and have NC - (it will be tough though as we work at the same company)

ka1111 · May 27, 2008, 03:52 AM

Bigbird,

Hang in there buddy.Allow me to say this though : this is why you-and everyone else-should be a bit less strict and hard when it comes to telling other people what to do.It's hard for everyone,even when you know what the right thing to do is.

Next time it hits you,go for a run.A fast,long,getting your heart in your mouth kind of run.Run till you see blurry.Then run some more.

I know it sounds stupid,but it helps.

bigbird213 · May 27, 2008, 04:20 AM

I wanted to say thanks again to everyone.

After having a (half) night's sleep, I guess I feel a bit better. I have been trying to heed my own advice that I have given out, but its nice to hear from other people as well. Sometimes I just disregard what I say as trying to make myself feel better.

So far this morning my mind has been pretty consumed with thoughts of her, but I sincerely hope that will change a bit as the day goes on. I'm looking forward to getting out of work to go home and sleep -- just beucase I'm tired I think, not really depressed...

Thanks again.

jpm247 · May 27, 2008, 04:39 AM

Stay strong. It is a rollercoaster, sometimes your up, sometimes your down, but you will reach the end of the line. Just hang on!

bigbird213 · May 27, 2008, 05:03 AM

Originally Posted by jpm247

Big bird my man - stay strong you are doing fine. 1 month is very early days into a breakup. i was still all over the place then.

Thanks for that, I was just upset because I was doing so very well (attributed to NC no doubt) and this has set me back. I was hoping for a full recovery without ever stepping back, but sometimes you have to be burned to learn I guess.

Originally Posted by jpm247

i didn't even accept my exes attempts to be a friend on facebook, as i new id look at her account, and it wouldn't do me any good at all.

I was very strong about that for the whole month. I never looked at it, and to be honest, the only reason I did was because I thought I could handle seeing the one picture I wanted to. Meaningless things caused my mind to go wild with assumptions, and that doesn't help anything.

Originally Posted by jpm247

the best way to think about things i found was this -

your ex may be with another guy, but it isn't big bird. Big bird being the best thing that happened to her, her opportunity of a lifetime which she threw away.

So no matter who she may or may not be with, smile inside and outside, because no body will be like you my friend. what a fool she is!!

I found myself doing that too. It helps for a few minutes, then I feel down again and just do it again. I'll be limping along that way for a short while now...

I guess it was just a combination of what I saw, my assumptions and what I heard about my ex (Drinking). It almost made me feel like I wasn't good enough for her to change, but now she will. Then I thought - "Why not assume shes drinking because she is so upset about our breakup and doesn't know what to do."

Thanks jpm

nickshehe · May 27, 2008, 05:22 AM

Big, I missed last nights episodes.. but I've been there too - under the first month, saw Facebook pictures uploaded from when she was in london(where I got dumped), she was with some guy all the time in the pictures,leaning on him,hugging him e.t.c.. I knew him though- and I was suspicious of him when we were going out.. it drove me insane when I saw the pictures. I wanted to drive to his house and beat his face to the ground - but then I thought.. It's just not worth it - let her make her own mistakes.