[Kitty81]

Ok so there is this guy I'm "seeing" we seem to get along, and I think we have quite a bit in common. I really like, possibly even love this guy, however I know I am more emotionally involved in this than he is. He says he's not ready for a relationship right now (I've told him that's cool) and he's not ready to get emotionally involved. Now it gets complicated, I thought I might be pregnant, and suddenly he's like oh yeah let's get together, and what not. I tested negative, and he's back to "well I'm not looking for a relationship". So the other day I went to him and told him I'm not sure what I want to do about the situation any more, because I know I'm more "in to" him then he is me, he says my coming to him to tell him this scares him a little, because I don't understand what makes me OK to be with if I'm pregnant, and not OK to be with when I'm not. So any way, a few more days go by my period does not start and I may still be pregnant, by this point I have not seen him in several days, but I have told him I still might be pregnant.

Ok now to get confusing There is this married man I've been head over heals for since before he got married, I have told him how I feel, he has told me he kinda/mostly feels the same. Now we have "done" a few things and I'm the only person he's cheated on his wife with. Now he and his wife re splitting up, and I'm hoping this means something good for me. He has told me before if he where not with her he would be with me, so I guess I'll see. I know I sound like a bad person for having sex with a married man, but I'm not here to be judged. I'm here for help with my dilemma. So I guess there is no one real question here, just if any one could give me some help of any kind, suggestions. HELP!

Thanks.

[starbuck8]

I'm not here to judge you, but there are a few things that really stick out with what you had to say.

You were "seeing" a guy that you "seem" to get along with? "He is not ready for a relationship"? You are "more emotionally involved than he is"? You "think" you might be pregnant, and he says "like oh yeah, lets get together". He's back to "well, I'm not looking for a relationship"? Then you coerce him into thinking you may be pregnant after all?

Then you seduce a married man?. and you say "I'm hoping this could be something good for me"??

Listen sweetheart! If he will do it with you?. HE WILL DO IT TO YOU! Shame on you for doing it with him to begin with! In a month or two you will be back here crying your eyes out because he cheated on you!

I honestly am not trying to be mean to you hun! I am just trying to tell you that you can NEVER EVER KEEP A MAN, by a pregnancy scare!! AND, you will never be able to trust a man that is willing to cheat on his wife with you! He WILL do it to you too!

Why are you selling yourself short, and going for boys that will never be fully committed to you, and be there when you really need them to? Trust me, you will need someone that truly cares about you someday, and I can almost guarantee you that neither one of these boys will be there when you are down and out, and need a helping hand!

[talaniman]

Your trying so hard to find love in all the wrong places, that your passing up the obvious, you don't love yourself.

[Kitty81]

Well I saw that coming. I was hoping someone would have insight not judgements.

A. I'm not trying to keep guy 1 or any guy for that matter by using a "pregnancy scare".

B. Even if guy 2 "cheated" on me, I'm an open minded person, and have always has open relationships. Therefore, in this case it would not be "cheating"

C. I never seduced any one.

I suppose people have different opinions, and some people are more open minded then others. Thanks for your imput, but as I said I'm not here to be judged.

Oh and by the way I love myself just fine thank you.

[JBeaucaire]

Insight is a clear understanding of a particular situation and its ramifications.

Judgement is just insight with a sense of right and wrong added.
===========
Insight alone is... at best... an opportunity to be clever. Add judgement, and the insights take on the ability to guide your life onto positive, successful paths.

There is truly nothing confusing about your situation(s). You seem to be reaping the crop you have sown. I simply mean you appear to have no moral basis from which you are operating. You think it/feel it and you do it. And it feels good. For awhile.

But since none of it includes any sort of plan or restraint or moral compass to it, afterwards you find you have no sense of security or direction... apparently with either man.

Worse, even if they were to turn their full attention toward you, would that include an instant sense of security, too? I don't believe so, since men tend to be creatures of habit, what they did before is a good indication of what they will do in the future.

So, whether you agree in the usefulness of judgements, I hope you will at least step back and make some judgements of your own regarding what you are actually getting by the way you are leading your dating life... and what you are NOT getting.

I bet you KNOW you can do better, you can GET better, but that will require you to be more restraining and making clearer judgements ahead of time.

At least consider it. We actually WANT you to succeed, we're not just about making speeches. We really care.

[rawsushi]

Ok so there is this guy I'm "seeing" we seem to get along, and I think we have quite a bit in common. I really like, possibly even love this guy, however I know I am more emotionally involved in this than he is. He says he's not ready for a relationship right now (I've told him that's cool) and he's not ready to get emotionally involved. Now it gets complicated, I thought I might be pregnant, and suddenly he's like oh yeah let's get together, and what not. I tested negitive, and he's back to "well I'm not looking for a relationship". So the other day I went to him and told him I'm not sure what I want to do about the situation any more, because I know I'm more "in to" him then he is me, he says my coming to him to tell him this scares him a little, because I don't understand what makes me ok to be with if I'm pregnant, and not ok to be with when I'm not. So any way, a few more days go by my period does not start and I may still be pregnant, by this point I have not seen him in several days, but I have told him I still might be pregnant.

Ok now to get confusing There is this married man I've been head over heals for since before he got married, I have told him how I feel, he has told me he kinda/mostly feels the same. Now we have "done" a few things and I'm the only person he's cheated on his wife with. Now he and his wife re splitting up, and I'm hoping this means something good for me. He has told me before if he where not with her he would be with me, so I guess I'll see. I know I sound like a bad person for having sex with a married man, but I'm not here to be judged. I'm here for help with my dilemma. So I guess there is no one real question here, just if any one could give me some help of any kind, suggestions. HELP!

Thanks.

Play games, and you'll never be happy. You'll always be searching for the next game.

A married man cheats. If he marries you or not. He'll cheat. (And he'll brag about it to his friends)

If you try to keep someone by sinking your claws into them, they'll struggle to leave.

Listen to Dr Laura.

You need to learn more about yourself - and what makes you happy. THere are guys out there that want to be with you which aren't trying to abuse you emotionally/psychologically. But before they can love & understand you, you need to love & understand yourself.

[starbuck8]

Kitty81, Do you really want to be the starter salad at the smorg, or do you want to be the main course that will satisfy him, and keep him coming back for more everyday, without stopping off at the snack shop. You can't have it both ways. Who are you trying to fool? May it be yourself?

[Kitty81]

All right never mind, people seem to be in the frame of mind that I don't love myself, and that I could never be happy in either situation. This is not really what I was looking for. Thank you any way. I get what you are all saying, however I do love myself, and am happy with my life and would be happy with either man, or neither man because I am happy with me. So as I said thanks anyway.

[starbuck8]

Well we are glad you are happy with yourself! That is most important! But, you asked a question and we gave our opinions. I don't know what kind of answers you could've possibly been looking for?

Like I said before, I'm not here to judge! I'm here to give an answer to a question that was asked, and hopefully give some advice to comtemplate. Like it or leave it, but again, you asked! When people ask questions, they should be open to all advice from people with a lot of experience... or very little. I happen to have a lot, and was trying to help you understand.

You're welcome.

[talaniman]

I tested negative, and he's back to "well I'm not looking for a relationship".

Unprotected sex with a casual partner? That's not love, nor is it concern. And now the reality of a child is imminent.

There is this married man I've been head over heals for since before he got married, I have told him how I feel, he has told me he kinda/mostly feels the same. Now we have "done" a few things and I'm the only person he's cheated on his wife with. Now he and his wife re splitting up, and I'm hoping this means something good for me.

A few days after the pregnancy scare and a missed period, you hook up with a guy who is a cheater, and now hope for more? Hopping from bed to bed, guy to guy, for what. Not judging you, but pointing out the obvious, you're looking for something, and your partners so far ain't got it so you tell me how happy you are and show me where your doing right by yourself.

I'm here for help with my dilemma

Leave both guys alone and love yourself and see if your pregnant.

This is not really what I was looking for. Thank you any way.

What is it your looking for here, and what did you really want help for? Maybe the details of your story have blinded us all to your real question.

[bushg]

Kitty81 I read on another post that you are still married with a hs sweetheart and have been without him for the past 7 years and have a son by him. Doesn't your son deserve to have a stable guy around. That is committed to both you and him.

[Kitty81]

Yes he does, that's why I'm not sure what I want to do about either of the two men. I know people seem to think the married guy would not be "stable" or whatever but we've been friends for years, and I know if we did get together he would be there for me and my kids. He loves my kids.
The unmarried man also loves my kids, and would be there for me if I chose him.
I am just not sure what to do. Or who to chose.

I only got upset with the answers I had been getting because they made me look like a bad person, or a whore, or like I did not love myself, or was not happy with me.

The unmarried man is simply scared of committing again because his last long term relationship ended badly. And I'm OK with giving him time. That is why we keep it "casual".
I am not currently sexually envolved with the married man (I don't get sexually involved with more than one partner at a time), and when I was his wife knew and was OK with it, she and I are friends. They had decided long ago that the marriage was just "for show" so to speak, because they thought it would be better for their daughter if they where "together" they just could not handle the stress of fighting all the time any more, hence the split.

[bushg]

So katy how many men do you have kids with? Or plan on having kids with? I am not asking you to say that you're a bad person. I am just trying to make you understand that when people go from relationship to relationship they take all of that unresolved baggage with them instead of sticking with one and working it out or being alone and figuring it out.

I really don't think it is a good thing for you or your kids to keep getting involved in relationship after relationship. Or to bring more kids in when your feelings are unsettled. I believe that you are middle to late 20's. You have plenty of time to have a committed relationship that is healthy with someone that thinks your #1.

[starbuck8]

First of all Kitty, no one here either called you or even implied that you were a whore. That must be coming out of your own guilt if that is what you got from our comments.

I really do have to say that there is just something so wrong, and a bit contradictory, in what you wrote in answer to Bushg.

For one thing, you are confusing your children by bringing these different men around, that in your words "love them". My first thought was if the married guy was so concerned enough about his son to get "married for show", then he should be concerned enough to think of how much harder it will be on him now! If he was so concerned, he would have gone to all lengths to not engage in the fighting with his wife, and stuck it out and been manogamous.

And, how stable of an evironment is it going to be when his son, and obviously your children, see that mommy has an intimate relationship with her friends husband, and Daddy is having an intimate relationship with Mommy's friend?

Seriously, your kids should come first before you have such a dilemna like trying to pick between two men. One of which is married, and the other has told you he doesn't want a relationship with you. You have already admitted to sleeping with both of them. You say only one at a time, but if the "no relationship guy" isn't committed to anything, then who is he sleeping with, and you have said you are only sleeping with him casually, and have a pregnancy scare. At this point you should be taking triple precautions if that is what you chose to do, because it could be a lot more than a pregnancy if it's just a casual thing with him.

Let's be real here. He's not going to say he doesn't want a relationship, and be sleeping with you only. Been there, done that, lived to regret it. Thankfully no young children were involved. Make your first focus your children.

Once again, I'm not being judgemental. Only pointing out the obvious!

[Alty]

I only have one suggestion, therapy, and lots of it.

Good luck. :)

[starbuck8]

I only have one suggestion, therapy, and lots of it.

Good luck. :)

Had to spread the rep, but right on point!