[ka1111]

Well,I'm having a tough year obviously..

The story goes like this:
I met this great looking girl 7 years ago while surfing (both).She was 20 and I 18.We went on to be best friends,since we both had beach houses at the same place,had the same interests,tastes,and generally really liked each other a lot.She has stood by me a lot in tough situations and has been a great friend really,maybe the best I ever had,well probably.. During this time there were more than a few times when we came very close,sometimes very very close,but nothing would happen.We would sleep in the same room,same bed sometimes,going on vacation together,nothing finite would happen.But there were times when she would ask me to massage her back or carress her or we would "fight" and it would feel,like if I made a move it would probably happen,but I would never do it cause,a)too scared of maybe getting it all wrong and then things getting all weird and uncomfortable,b)jeopardizing a really great friendship and c)of course she has a boyfriend.So it went for years.
Three months ago,my dad suddenly passed away.She was the first person I called.She was there all the time. staying at my place,sleeping-sleeping-in my arms and I would hold her and caress her for hours,and she would hold me till I slept.On the night of the funeral,same story but then she made a move,said she couldn't resist anymore and we made out big time,but no sex,due to logistical problems,and she really wanted it.. It was beautiful,but the next morning,I felt a bit weird.The next days I would be very casual,maybe even cold to her,couldn't even look her in the eyes,cause I did want more,but she has a boyfriend,and I decided for the sake of our friendship to classify the incident as a one time deal due to the intensity of the day.
She noticed,talked about it and said that it was going to happen some time,that it was going on for years,and that she was feeling in love with me at the time.After she told me those things,and some other stuff,I really started to think of us together,it seemed like a perfect deal.After some days and her asking me again and again we went to the beach house for a night and,well you can guess the rest... She was really into it,and so was I.But then,she does say that "this can't go on liked this" and that she thought that we wouldn't last together.But then wants more.. At that point I'm still semi OK with that.
But she wants more,we get together some more times and it's amazing,and I'm starting to have some serious feelings.Even the sleeping together feels perfect.I can't help it.But she still says that although she now is in love with me,that it's going to fade at some point and in the end it wouldn't work out,but just can't help it either.
This goes on for a couple of months,we getting together,mostly initiated by her,but no status change.At some point,I can't take it anymore,cause she is still with that guy,and I can't take it.So I meet with her and tell her that this can't go on,that I'm in love with her and can't be her "friend",much more while she is with someone else,that I want us to be together,but if not,I can't be her friend anymore.She cries,says that she loves me too,that she hasn't let the guy touch her all this while,but doesn't know what to do cause the other guy is important for her too and hasn't done anything to deserve that,that she just doesn't know what to do.I tell her that being friends with her is impossible and unbearable for me,things being how they are,and that if she won't be with me,I can't see her friendly.We don't talk for a week and then she calls to arrange to pick up some stuff of hers from my house.It's obvious to me now that we won't be together.She comes,but we end up spending the night-and morning-together,and it's great.More phone calls and talks of the same,at some point I get angry and stop answering her calls.She goes crazy and texts how much she loves me etc.Then she leaves for a short vacation trip.She calls me crying from there,tells me how much she loves me,and wants me there,asks me to go there.Although at first I deny,I do decide to go in the end having no expectations and spend a couple more amazing days with her.While there I don't talk about it at all.However after coming back,things are again as they used to be.
Now she calls me and texts me but I don't answer or return them.I just can't.But I miss her so much.Both as a friend and as a lover.My father is gone.I've lost my father,my best friend and the woman I love,all in a couple of months.. It's too much.. I love her,I really miss her.But I can't just hang out with her now.I don't know if I'm doing the right thing,but I can't do anything else either.. It feels like a real waste.I have so many memories,great memories with her.. I just don't know what to do.I want her bad,but if I can't be with her...

[nickshehe]

having no expectations and spend a couple more amazing days with her.

Lol sorry - I just found that funny..
Moving on.. I don't enjoy giving advice to people with intentions of breaking up a couple, but seeing as though you didn't really plan it then here we go;
Given your history with this girl , I highly doubt you're being "played" and she probably does genuinely care about you. But what she is doing now is stringing both of you guys along. In simple english, she basically wants to keep you both.. What I suggest you do is let go of the situation - she knows your terms, she knows what you want... What you are doing now is telling her what you want, disappearing, and she tells you "I love you" and you're back on the leash - where you started.
So I would keep going with the ignoring of calls and texts.. But I think you should let go of this situation altogether.. You'd be breaking up a couple and that's not cool. I know you love her , but think of the other guy that she's with.. and you've been sleeping around with her behind his back.

[ka1111]

nickshehe,
Thanks for your reply.If I wanted to break a couple up,I could have done that long time ago.The way I see it,this situation sort of landed on my lap.And,I've known her for 7 years,she's with the guy for 4 I think.. I did what I did because I genuinely-and perhaps stupidly-believed that if ever something would happen between us,it would go on to be serious.I gave her room since day one and she kept coming back for more.I couldn't resist,that I am willing to admit...

[bigbird213]

I agree with Nick.

You are wrong for allowing this girl to cheat on her girlfriend with you, so its hard to feel sorry for you. I do understand that it hurts, but you need to understand you got involved in a situation that couldn't have ended well from the beginning.

Maybe if you back off for some time you can let the feelings subside and be friends with her again in the future. At least you have a strong history to build on should this happen.

[ka1111]

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.I'm just documenting my story,is all.And I didn't "allow" anything,sometimes things happen.I had just lost my father,I wasn't exactly OK.. And as I've already said,I did leave her space after the first time,I didn't push anything,but she kept coming back for more and she was the one who first talked openly about feelings and stuff.I assumed it was over with her boyfriend,cause that's what I would do if I was in love with someone else,especially someone I know for years more.If everything was OK with the guy,I guess none of that would have happened.

And I really feel that I can't be friends with her now,after all that's happened.I just miss her so badly,and am wondering if I'm doing the right thing by burning the bridges.Cause,unfortunately,I still can't get rid of hope,hope the biggest whore...

[bigbird213]

Hope is dangerous and I think your smart for saying that you don't think you can be friends with her. Its tough, especially when not much time has passed. Someday I woulnd't mind being friends with my ex, but the pisser is that the only time your ready to be friends with your ex is when you don't want to be anymore...

[nickshehe]

The only time your ready to be friends with your ex is when you don't want to be anymore...

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to bigbird213 again.

That is as true as it gets.
Like bigbird rightly said, you do seem like a smart enough guy to know what to do.. and I think you're doing the right thing.. I understand the urge to need someone.. and under your difficult circumstances it was inevitable that you would commit more of yourself to her - but maybe you were wrong in doing so, when your future was never going to be an easy road to take.
I suggest you keep with the no contact. If she wants to be with you - she should leave her boyfriend, and at this stage it's her decision and you shouldn't influence it in any way.

[talaniman]

I didn't push anything,but she kept coming back for more

Whatever her actions or motives it was you who went along with her program.

and she was the one who first talked openly about feelings and stuff.

So you let her lead you down this path, crossing boundaries and stirring up feelings and attachments.

I assumed it was over with her boyfriend,cause that's what I would do if I was in love with someone else,especially someone I know for years more.

Did you ever meet him? Then you assumed facts that weren't there, but fit your own actions.

I just miss her so badly,and am wondering if I'm doing the right thing by burning the bridges

Of course you do, as you have formed a very strong bond with her but crossing the boundaries messed it all up, so getting your head back together, and rebuilding your life is the thing to do. Strange though, as this story is almost exactly like a few others here on this forum, about the mistress's of married men. She may not have been married, but she did to you essentially what married men do to needy females. No sir, I do not believe anything she told you of her relationship with this boyfriend, but the fact remains that during this whole time, she never was going to leave him, no matter what, so it's the same dynamic, and that means you had a choice to act differently, and do things differently, so know your part in this fiasco, and learn from it. She got you at a weak moment and you both got what you needed, but you fell deeper than she did and wanted more. Time to look at self and heal and move forward.

[ka1111]

Whatever her actions or motives it was you who went along with her program.

So you let her lead you down this path, crossing boundaries and stirring up feelings and attachments.

Did you ever meet him? Then you assumed facts that weren't there, but fit your own actions.

Of course you do, as you have formed a very strong bond with her but crossing the boundaries messed it all up, so getting your head back together, and rebuilding your life is the thing to do. Strange though, as this story is almost exactly like a few others here on this forum, about the mistress's of married men. She may not have been married, but she did to you essentially what married men do to needy females. No sir, I do not believe anything she told you of her relationship with this boyfriend, but the fact remains that during this whole time, she never was going to leave him, no matter what, so its the same dynamic, and that means you had a choice to act differently, and do things differently, so know your part in this fiasco, and learn from it. She got you at a weak moment and you both got what you needed, but you fell deeper than she did and wanted more. Time to look at self and heal and move forward.

The difference is,and I think it's an important one,that this is not someone I had just met and it just sort of happened.This is a person I've known for a long time and have been very close to,someone I trusted and respected.I never expected something superficial happening between us,nor that she would just take advantage of a vulnerable moment,the most vulnerable moment of my life.And she did talk about breaking up,but I guess you're going to file that under the "mistress" scenario which is not very close to the actual events.I'm not asking anyone what to do,I've already taken action.My problem is,that I know that she will miss me a lot,and that she will want to contact me.Plus,it's absolutely certain that we're going to bump on each other cause we have a lot of common interests and hang around the same places and surfing the same beach,so it's going to be
Akward but I'm not going to change my life or my habits just to avoid someone,anyone.But she knows that and she might take advantage of that.And it's just,this whole situation is so uncomfortable.It sucks to be me right now..

[talaniman]

I'm not going to change my life or my habits just to avoid someone,anyone.But she knows that and she might take advantage of that

But this whole thing has been about what you let her do. That's my point.

[ka1111]

But this whole thing has been about what you let her do. Thats my point.

I understand what you're saying,I'm just unsure if you understand what I'm saying..

[talaniman]

She ran the show in this relationship, and left you behind. Did I miss something?

[liz28]

Lets set aside your feeling, how can you even trust a women who cheats on her boyfriend and goes and share inmate moments with a another guy, regardless if it her friend.

This is a waste of time and your in a not so healthy situation because look at with your doing and putting yourself through. It tearing you apart and just left you hoping. It will never change and only contine as long as you allow it, it seems that your weak when it comes to her and she knows it and plays on it while your left with the heartache. If she loved you don't you think she be with you instead of boyfriend, actions speak louder than words and your got your heart wide open and thinking with it and your penis instead of your head.

To sum it up she will continue to sleep with you and give you false hope. If it keep going it will lead you to be jealous, make you feel insane and the frindship is over because lines were cross due to the physial relationship your shared. If you want to lose yourself respect, esteem, used, and self worth stay. Otherwise since you get weak around her change or ignore her calls don't hang out at places where she at until your stronger, it just best to avoid her at all cost so it means changing your life a little bit, but its just life so ulimately your going do what you want, it just my opinons and only that!

[ka1111]

Liz,

Maybe you haven't read my posts very carefully,cause I've already done all that.
And she's not a "playa",I know that much.

I just think that intentionally changing your life or some parts of it just to avoid someone shows weakness,that's just how I see it.It's not worth it.I'm not initiating any contact,or return any calls,texts or e-mails,but I'm not going to stop going to the beach that I love so much,and was going before I ever met her so as to not bump onto her.I'm not gonn allow her-or anyone-that.I'm not going to change numbers,I'm not going to stop talking to mutual friends,I'm not going to move out of the country...

It's my life.It may suck right now,but it's mine.

[talaniman]

I'm not going to change my life or my habits just to avoid someone,anyone.But she knows that and she might take advantage of that

If you let her.

And she's not a "playa",I know that much.

A playa is someone who bounces from on person, to another without regard for their feelings.

changing your life or some parts of it just to avoid someone shows weakness

Survival and healing, often seems like weakness, because we surrender, and stop fighting ourselves. That gives us a chance to heal, regroup, and get a better plan, that doesn't include the ex in our lives. If you have made up your mind to not always give her what she wants, to the detriment of yourself, that's fine.