[heave_falling]

I've just moved 5 hrs away from my boyfriend of 4 months and there's already problems. But he doesn't see it.


Me still getting used to the new area away from family and friends would like to talk to her boyfriend you know for comfort, moral support, to see how he's doing, cause well I miss him. I will not be seeing him for at least another 3 weeks because of his job. He's always too busy to talk even for a few minutes unless its likr past 1 am or he's falling asleep. Not really the best time to talk you know. I've tried to talk to him about it, he doesn't get it. He's just too busy. But busy doenst always mean work. It means friends, parties working on his car his friends cars and bikes. No he's not a machanic its just a hobby. When I still lived near him he still found time for me even with all this. We spent everyday together. Every weekend we were together. I basically lived at his house on weekends and after work. Why can't he find time for a little phone call? I don't expect to talk to him for hours at a time. But maybe a little phone call every once in awhile? Am I being irrational? Needy? I'm used to being able to lay in bed with him and talk tohim about everything for hours. Now its hard to get him to talk I don't know y? It hasn't been that long that I've been gone. Its sometimes hard to even get an I love you out of him. What could be wrong? And is there anyhtign I could do to fix this little problem?

We are both pretty young, I'm 19 and he's 20. Our relationship is fresh and this is something that I would like to keep going but its hard sometimes being alone away at college. I've been in a long distance relationship before and I've seen how fast they can crash and burn and we were together for more than a year before the fact. And he ended his last relationship when she moved across country and it worries me a little. We've both been through a lot already and something like this breakign us up is something kind of small. Yet big since comunication is important. And advice would be nice. Please and thanks

[JoeCanada76]

4 Months is not really a long relationship. Do you feel he is avoiding you, was there an agreement to continue to try to see each other. Maybe he feels or already has moved on? I know it is not your fault that you moved away, but distance can be a deal breaker. It is hard to keep any relationship going when there is distance. The other thing to is that your only together for 4 months so you both do not really know each other that well. To expect an I love you from him I think is asking a lot myself. I am not saying its doomed, there is always a possibility of things working out but right now the way circumstances are? It will be difficult.

[heave_falling]

4 Months is not really a long relationship. Do you feel he is avoiding you, was there an agreement to continue to try to see each other. Maybe he feels or already has moved on? I know it is not your fault that you moved away, but distance can be a deal breaker. It is hard to keep any relationship going when there is distance. The other thing to is that your only together for 4 months so you both do not really know each other that well. To expect an I love you from him I think is asking a lot myself. I am not saying its doomed, there is always a possibility of things working out but right now the way circumstances are? It will be difficult.

We both decided that we would try to keep it going. I know 4 months is not a long relationship. He has been saying ilove you for while. He actually said it first and now all of a suddent he doesn't. We actually know each other pretty well we've been good friends for years. But if he decided to move on why not tell me first?

[JBeaucaire]

Phone calls can be very fulfilling to emotionally motivated creatures... like women, or long-time married men.

He's neither one of those things. He's a single male. He will derive little to no enjoyment from a phone-relationship. He already knows that and his actions indicate it clearly. Now it's up to you accept this fact and not be mad about it. We're talking about normal behaviors here.

So, what are your options?

1) Move back. Dear, relationships take actual commitment. At 4 months, there is no reason AT ALL to expect your relationship to survive that. None. IN fact, it's pretty harsh on both of you to even consider it.

Being in a relationship you've decided is "worth it" means making sacrificial choices in other parts of your life.
- You stop listening to your heart/body's attraction to other men.
- You start building up permanent tolerance for his characteristics you don't actually like
- You begin making family/career choices with him in mind

That last thing means, most importantly, you don't move 5 hours away. So your first (and in my opinion only) option to solve this immediately is to move back.

2) Accept your occasional contacts must come during the times he deems allowable, and probably put it on him to initiate those contacts.

If you choose this, you may hardly ever hear from him. But at least this will allow you to focus your energies on your real responsibilities and not fret about why he's not calling you back or making time for you. You make it a non-issue.

I have little confidence this will be bearable.

3) Break up. This is the only honest option (in my opinion) based on you living 5 hours away.

By fully investing your energies in your actual geographical location, you may find much more attractive and readily available attentions from prospects at hand. A real-life relationship requires a real in-person companion.

SUMMARY - those are really your only options. There is no win with you chasing him down by phone and email and text-messages and fret your nights away wondering if he's ever going to call. Even when he does, it will be completely unfulfilling to him, and only mildly so for you.

That's no way to live. And you both can and should do better.

[JBeaucaire]

Separate add-on thought... notice my response above is based fully on actions? Spending any time at all debating yours and his feelings solves nothing.

Whether you love each other not is actually beside the point. I hope you see that. Feelings are a great motivator, but only ACTIONS make a relationship.

Further, you can't control him at all. You can only inspire him. Men are visual creatures, so how exactly will you daily inspire him in the progression of your relationship over the phone? You can't. At least not in any meaningful way.

So, don't romanticize your feelings. Be honest about them, then move back to an ACTION PLAN concerning the things YOU will do. He is responsible for what he's willing to do, and you've already seen now that you're apart, his actions don't match his words anymore. That doesn't mean he lied, it just means this isn't working.

You have to honestly decide the next actions, and they don't include long-distance guilt-trips. Choose wisely. Your life / time is a precious commodity.

[heave_falling]

Phone calls can be very fulfilling to emotionally motivated creatures...like women, or long-time married men.

He's neither one of those things. He's a single male. He will derive little to no enjoyment from a phone-relationship. He already knows that and his actions indicate it clearly. Now it's up to you accept this fact and not be mad about it. We're talking about normal behaviors here.

So, what are your options?

1) Move back. Dear, relationships take actual commitment. At 4 months, there is no reason AT ALL to expect your relationship to survive that. None. IN fact, it's pretty harsh on both of you to even consider it.

Being in a relationship you've decided is "worth it" means making sacrificial choices in other parts of your life.
- You stop listening to your heart/body's attraction to other men.
- You start building up permanent tolerance for his characteristics you don't actually like
- You begin making family/career choices with him in mind

That last thing means, most importantly, you don't move 5 hours away. So your first (and in my opinion only) option to solve this immediately is to move back.

2) Accept your occasional contacts must come during the times he deems allowable, and probably put it on him to initiate those contacts.

If you choose this, you may hardly ever hear from him. But at least this will allow you to focus your energies on your real responsibilities and not fret about why he's not calling you back or making time for you. You make it a non-issue.

I have little confidence this will be bearable.

3) Break up. This is the only honest option (in my opinion) based on you living 5 hours away.

By fully investing your energies in your actual geographical location, you may find much more attractive and readily available attentions from prospects at hand. A real-life relationship requires a real in-person companion.

SUMMARY - those are really your only options. There is no win with you chasing him down by phone and email and text-messages and fret your nights away wondering if he's ever going to call. Even when he does, it will be completely unfulfilling to him, and only mildly so for you.

That's no way to live. And you both can and should do better.

The only reason I'm here is because of the school I got accepted to. It was a great program for the major I am in. if there was a better one closer I would be there, but there isn't. Some long distance relationships can work, it just takes hard work and commitment. Yes you are right those are my options. But what about actually working it out?

[Fr_Chuck]

I would say he is putting no effort into keeping it going, if he did, he would have some priority into calling you, sending you emails, text messages ( still hate them) doing web cam calls on computer and more.
If he would rater be with friends and hanging out he is telling you where you stand.

[heave_falling]

I would say he is putting no effort into keeping it going, if he did, he would have some priority into calling you, sending you emails, text messages ( still hate them) doing web cam calls on computer and more.
If he would rater be with friends and hanging out he is telling you where you stand.

Yea...

[JBeaucaire]

the only reason im here is because of the school i got accepted to.... yes you are right those are my options. but what about actually working it out?

I know you "want" to work it out. But you're in college now. You're learning every day more and more what it means to make sacrificial life choices. Doing one thing means NOT getting to do another. Taking one class instead of another... early AM classes or late nights... study over days or cram in one night... pay for school as you go or borrow your way through... THIS major or THAT one?

The common thread here is that all of those things are in your control. YOU get to choose.

However, there is no option for working it out with this man. The problem you describe isn't IN YOU. You can only work out things IN YOU. The problem is in him. You can't influence him from where you are now, not at all.

This is harsh, this is true, this is frustrating, but as a college girl, treat it maturely as what it is.

That means your choices are down to #2 and #3. My advice is still the same.

[heave_falling]

I know you "want" to work it out. But you're in college now. You're learning every day more and more what it means to make sacrificial life choices. Doing one thing means NOT getting to do another. Taking one class instead of another...early AM classes or late nights... study over days or cram in one night... pay for school as you go or borrow your way through...THIS major or THAT one?

The common thread here is that all of those things are in your control. YOU get to choose.

However, there is no option for working it out with this man. The problem you describe isn't IN YOU. You can only work out things IN YOU. The problem is in him. You can't influence him from where you are now, not at all.

This is harsh, this is true, this is frustrating, but as a college girl, treat it maturely as what it is.

That means your choices are down to #2 and #3. My advice is still the same.

I've never been to known to give up because things get a little hard. Ill end up trying until all else fails. I would rather fail trying than to no try at all. I know it is going to be hard. For all I know something may be going on in his life that I do not know about. He's not one to openly talk about things that are bothering or if things are wrong. He tries to seem like he's "superman". So I shall try. Thank you for advice it actually helped. I'm talking ot him now actually which I odd for time. So maybe things will work out. Thanks

[JBeaucaire]

So, option #2 it is! I wish you the best of results. Deep breaths. Calm.