[momwith4kids]

I have a daughter who is soon to be 14 years old. She is very shy and has a hard time making friends in school. She throws tantrums when she wants something that I tell her she can not have and then she gets abusive with me and hits me and kicks me. I would love to give all 4 of my kids everything they want but she know that I am only working part time and my husband works full time and we cannot afford everything she wants. She is failing in school because she has no motivation to go to school and gives me a hard time every morning. My kids are bused to school but she will not take the bus in the morning, so I need to drive her every morning. I have two other kids who I need to take to school too and she knows that but she does not care whether she makes them late every morning. I don't know what to do because she does not listen to me or my husband. She manipulates her brothers at home. She is normally a great sister but there are times that she gets very bossy and her brothers typically do not like to play with her because of that. I love her and my three boys but I just wish she would understand that she can't always get everything she wants and that she needs to do better in school and then I would not mind getting her something special as a reward for doing something good. Please let me know what to do about this situation.

Thanks so much,

[Alty]

Okay, I'm going to be a bit harsh.

Who's the parent, you and your husband or her? She won't get on the bus in the morning so you have to drive her to school, no you don't, let her walk if she misses the bus. She kicks you when she doesn't get what she wants, well, then she can work for the things she does get, like soap and shampoo, clothes etc. She's a spoiled and you are only feeding in to it. It's time to lay down the law, no more mister nice guy, she's the child, you're the parent, either she shapes up or she ships out, to boot camp. Put your foot down before she breaks it.

Good Luck.

[Wondergirl]

I have a daughter who is soon to be 14 years old. She is very shy and has a hard time making friends in school.

I'd start here. She's 14. That's a horrible age nowadays. Her being shy and feeling like a social misfit doesn't help at all.

I'm guessing she doesn't want to go to school and deal with the social stuff. At this age, she won't confide in you, since, after all, you are only a parental unit, as my son used to call me.

Is there another adult she would be willing to talk with? It would have to be someone willing to keep her confidences yet be a good advisor and mentor for social stuff.

Or, find a counselor who works with young teens. Tell your daughter it's only for a short time, a few sessions--she and the counselor alone, confidential. (Most counselors have a sliding scale, by the way, so money shouldn't be a reason not to seek counseling.)

If your daughter won't go, then you go. That will affect your daughter because you will change and, because of that, she too will change.

[Bicho]

May be she needs to acquire medical help and it's better for it to be sooner than later.

[Fr_Chuck]

First I will be even more harsh, it appears you have allowed and accepted this behavior, the staement you can't afford "everything" means you are trying to get a lot.

So at 14 first you walk her down to the bus stop and force her to get on the bus, if she mis-behaves, you take everything she owns out of her room and ground her to it. You stop giving into her.

I do also agree with the counseling, and also if she hits you, turn her in, get her into the Juv system, perhaps a boot camp or even a few weeks of detention and she will learn that getting her way is not going to work any longer

[amberlynn]

This might also be rude sounding:

What??


YOU are her mother.
The way she is raised will reflect her
Adult life tremendously.

That sounds like a spoiled brat to me.
You seem to put up with a lot,
And sound like you deserve a lot.
She is failing school too?

That sounds like me when I started getting into bad things.
But,

That is not right.
Don't let her do that.
She's 13?
Wow.stand up for yourself momma

If she kicks/hits you again,
Show her that it is WRONG

Beat her @$$!!

[Wondergirl]

beat her @$$!!!!!

Yeah, who can hit harder?? That'll really teach her to behave...

[Wondergirl]

Yeah, who can hit harder???? That'll really teach her to behave.............

Um, guys. I was being sarcastic.

Of course, beating up on each other is the exactly wrong way to go.

[ilanimals]

You need to start slowly at first say NOTHING until she hits you then send yher to any room were there is nothing fun it doesn't matter which and let her out once she has calmed down reapeat this until she stops arguing?shouting making them say sorry only makes them rebbelious but make it clear that it will happen again if she hits.then move onto doing this when she shouts too loud swears or is rude.I used a boring room as an example but you can really do what everr you want but stick to it. If there are any social things she really wants to do then threaten to cancel them.she will want any friends she does have to think her cool.she can walk to school or get the bus tell her those are her options, but she should really walk it is relaxing and there may be issues on the bus. I know it seems extreme but have you considered another school?

[liz28]

Let me tell you what aunt did to my cousin at the age 13. First of all she was spoiled and when she did not get her way she yelled at her mother, one day yelling turned into trying to beat up her mother and her beat her a**. Then dragged her 9 blocks to the police station, while my cousin was trying to get away. Once she got to the police station she told the cops what happen and she press charges against he daughter, long story short she stayed at the police station a day and the cops put her in a scare straight program and it worked. She scared of jail and mother and now listens.

Go to the police station and tel them about your daughter and find out what they can do or Google boot camps because out of control teen means out of control adult soon she try hitting with other things then her hand. If my dauggter ever raise her hand and hit me that's the day she would be lay out on the floor.

[Wondergirl]

Let me tell you what aunt did to my cousin at the age 13. First of all she was spoiled and when she did not get her way she yelled at her mother, one day yelling turned into trying to beat up her mother and her beat her a**. Then dragged her 9 blocks to the police station, while my cousin was trying to get away. Once she got to the police station she told the cops what happen and she press charges aganist he daughter, long story short she stayed at the police station a day and the cops put her in a scare straight program and it worked. She scared of jail and mother and now listens.

Go to the police station and tel them about your daughter and find out what they can do or google boot camps because out of control teen means out of control adult soon she try hitting with other things then her hand. If my dauggter ever raise her hand and hit me thats the day she would be lay out on the floor.

Sounds like the mother should have been dragged to the police station right along with the daughter that she messed up. I certainly wouldn't want a kid who's afraid of me. That's not the way to parent.

[rnfowl]

Consistent consistent consistent consequences. My 7 year old tries to get her way. This morning, throwing a fit because she couldn't find her library books for school. Too bad, car is leaving, should have gotten them ready last night. Tears in the eyes, we left, she was dropped off at school. Guess what... she came home after school, found her library books and placed them in a safe place for next week. Over the weekend she was fighting with her brother and a friend was supposed to come over. Called them friend, sorry, can't come over because she is not behaving. Her jaw dropped to the floor. Imagaine this.. no more fighting for the rest of the day. There has to be consequences and you should have started much earlier than 14 years old. Better to start late then never! Go mom!

[liz28]

Dear Wondergirl,

In my youth, the typical child was afraid of their mother. Furthermore, she did not have to spanked or yelled, but glue her feet to the ground and give you nothing more than a look, the same I do with my daughter. Now a days most parents are afraid of their kids, without fear this what happens.

My mom and dad would have beat my a** if I ever raised my hands to them. My mother always said"I brought you in this world and I will take you out". That statement alone scared me. I love my parents to death and I am glad they were great authority figures and with that being said I never crossed the line. Also, when my mother was really upset she won't say wait until your father get home then I really got scared.

If my daughter ever starts to smell herself and hit me not only will I hit her but I take her to the police and place her in juvie and let her stay there for a while, this is called tough love in case you didn't know.

There are two basic elements of parenting and it must be install in the kid as a child and these was not and this is the actions you get as they grow.
Sensitivity-this is when parents provide warmth and support.
Strictness-this is when parents provide supervision and disciple.

Nowadays a lot of parents think in order for your child to respect you, you must be their friend, wrong. It nice to have a good relationship with your child but still let them know who boss.

Back to the OP, your child might think this behavior is OK, but it not. She will soon be an adult and you don't want her to be an out control adult. Give her tough love and stay strong and do whatever you need to. You have 3 other kids at home and you don't want them to follow her steps, you lost control of her but she needs help or you might really try to harm you its not to late and she may thank you in the future. Go to troubleteensolution.com, or go your local social services agency to see how they can help you. Instents theraphy is needed for her.

[liz28]

Sounds like the mother should have been dragged to the police station right along with the daughter that she messed up. I certainly wouldn't want a kid who's afraid of me. That's not the way to parent.

My aunt did what was needed and her daughter loves her for that. When she took her to the police station and explained to them what happen and what she did the cops applause her and told she the right things if a child thinks there grown enough to hit you then their grown enough to take the licking. This again is tough love. Have you ever watch a show called Judge Matis, he said his mother did the same and look where he at today, he even say if he didn't have a mother like this he would probulary be dead or in jail. Note: there many styles of parenting the mother must do what fit best. i.e. when I was younger my mother always told me not to play with her sewing needle, but I always did. One day my mother showed me why by pucking the tip of my finger with it, I never touched it again. It oblivious you can't do this with everything.

If a child can hit their mother they would try it with another adult and that adult will not care about their age and can do mor harm and don't want that to happen because now a days don't car about that child age.

[ladieedee21]

Ladyy wake up and be in charge!

[George_1950]

This mother/daughter relationship is in need of a management plan. I recommend contacting a family counselor in the local mental health clinic, or private practice, or minister (priest or rabbi). All children are different and I do not necessarily blame parents for the problems of their kids; kids bring some of this stuff on themselves; always have and always will. It may be too late for a mother and/or father to use corporal punishment on a 14 year old, especially if it has never been part of the family discipline plan. Besides, kids know how to report parents for 'abuse' if they are so inclined. Get professional help with this.

[helpwithlove123]

Get her to therapy or talk it out with her. Maybe she's just in the "mood."
My parents give me 20$ every A or A+, and 0$ for anything else. Make sure she has some kind of motivation. And if you get her in activities then she will be forced to meet new people. And make sure not to get frustrated around her, IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE!